Poem 4 "what will become of me?"

#1

Everyday i wonder what will become of me
I can’t imagine the simple joys of the future
Like getting married and having children

I don’t because i don’t know if i can find someone that would want to take part in these things with me in full knowledge of the way that i am

I wonder sometimes how many years i will live
and how many times in a year i wish not to live

i wonder why i was chosen for such of a fate of dispair
What had i or my ancestors done

I wonder when i can be normal and how i long so much to be
How i took all the moments of normality for granted from before

I wish to be invisible
Not by sight but by smell

I think of myself as having all the potential
And insurmountable obstacles

I know because of the way i am people fear on how long i will live
as if there is something so wrong with me that i should not live

I’m normal doctors tell me
But what are their clean bills of health in societies eyes

I fear even opening my mouth in a public place
as if the very stench of hell rises from deep inside me and radiates through the air

I work so hard
I try so hard

I try to pretend, you know
That things will get better because i make them better

I try to pretend i have the oppurtunities available to everyone
And i am the controller of my destiny

But in all honesty i’m not

I’m tired
Emotionally
Physically
Mentally

Even if i don’t get out of bed in the morning i’m exhausted
Exhausted of this life

Exhausted of pretending that i can be like everyone else
How i long to be like everyone else

My dreams of being normal to me is like the stuff you read in fairy tales
You know you wish for it but you know it’s only make believe

Why dream at all
When your dreams are unimaginable realities

When i think of what i will become
i think of eight years of not moving forward
and staying in this misery that i am
I have lost hope of things getting better
I just hope to get through the day

I hope the stares will not come
the whispers and laughs
I am a walking joke
a disgusting freak

i know thats what people think of me
but ill try to get through the day
cause what are my options
i live
death is no better
I live in make believe
forever wondering what will become of me?

#2

ty. I keep my struggles to myself so it’s nice to come to terms with them and be honest with myself and i’ve never known people like me so this is also interesting.

#3

thank you

#4

Your poem explains exactly how I feel sometimes. Some days I try to just forget that I may smell. I try to go out in public and enjoy life. I try to pretend that this is all in my head, but in today’s society thats hard to accomplish. I even remember going to church and people pinching their noses. It’s crazy that we long for something so simple that people just cant understand. I used to cry and ask why me? out of all the people in the world, why me? I stopped asking that question b/c my Lord will never take me through something that I can’t handle. I know that one day I will blessed with a solution to this condition. I know that One day you will be able to write a poem about over coming the struggles that you are enduring now.

#5

Your poem really hits home. I can identify with some of the feelings you have expressed. It is a lonely world for those of us who have to deal with this on a daily basis. I often wonder how much longer this is going to go on! Will it ever end and will I ever be able to hold my head up! Thank you for your poem, it definitely speaks for some of us.

#6

I was just thinking the same things… so you know it’s real. Im in tears. I just don’t know what life is about. I don’t know what to do and it’s hurting so much.

Thank you for expressing yourself.

#7

WOW,that brought tears to my eye’s because everything you were able to release into your poem is how i feel inside only bottled up. thanks

#8

TY for writing your poem. When I read it, I told myself, she’s talking about me. Yes I do relate to everything that you said, but I do hold my head up high as if I own the world b/c nobody really understands what we go through every day.
I’d had this problem for @ least 49 yrs. but I don’t nor will I let others who say those nasty remarks get the best of me, I wait until I’m alone to let my sadness out & then I wonder, when is there going to be a cure (if possible) so that we that have this will be able to @ least try some of our dreams, hope, ambitions so that we can say @ least I tried.
One of my sayings is "Don’t give up,give up, or give out"
I pray that some day, we will be talked about for the good instead of the way that we smell, which is no fault of ours.
So I say. " The sky’s the limit, so keep your head to the sky.
.