Barely hanging on

Depression
#1

I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I really just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t know what the rules are here about suicidal posts, but suffice it to say that I am feeling just that low. My T wants me to go to the hospital, but I really don’t see how that is going to help anything. Especially not now when I only have 5 more weeks to find another job. Also, my mother has plans this weekend and I know she’ll be mad if she can’t go away because of me. Of course, she should go anyway, but she wouldn’t.

I just don’t think I can face my life for much longer. I’m 38, had to move back in with my mother because of financial difficulties from chronic illness, and now I’m losing my position, which is the only real thing I had going for me. I tried to tell one of my closest friends the other day how truly bad I’m feeling, but she kind of gave me a guilt trip for coming to work and not getting anything done (“but you’re getting paid!”).

All I can think about is how to make it stop! I’ve even started having physical symptoms which has never happened to me before (besides appetite and sleep). Now, my stomach is constantly upset, and I’ve started to feel all edgy. OMG, I can’t stand it!!!

#2

Robsmom, you poor woman. I have seen people like that on television and I can’t even imagine living like that…

#3

keep hanging in there keep talking

#4

YOU GOTTA HANG IN THERE. YOU ARE WORTH IT. I KNOW IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS NO HOPE OR HELP BUT THERE IS. YOU CAN PM ME ALSO. PLEASE HANG IN THERE. THIS WILL PASS. I HAVE BEEN THERE ALSO AND I KNOW IT SUCKS BIG TIME BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO LOVE AND CARE ABOUT YOU. PLEASE DON’T DO ANYTHING THAT WILL HARM YOU. HOSPITAL CAN HELP. PLEASE DON’T .
HUGS AND LOVE
DREEN

#5

NEB you poor thing. It is horrible when you are stuck in the blackest part of depression. I have those days myself. Nothing nothing seems good. You are reaching out for help so you do want to live. so it may help to talk to others or call a helpline. Usually these forums have rules on discussion of such a serious nature because it triggers others I think who may be recovering. You can private message me if it helps. Or there are some online groups where you can talk through your worst fears etc…Don’t give in. Talk to someone outside your family if you can and get medication if you want to help you through the bad days. here is a link for a forum where people discuss their fears and I bet there are many more. What you are thinking about is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
http://www.mytherapy.com/discussion/forum.asp?FORUM_ID=63
hugs marmy

#6

NEB, I just posted you, but it didn’t show up. please hold on. I think you should call a Helpline. When my son was in your position, we just stayed with him till his feelings passed over. It sounds like you need someone to talk to right now. I’ll try to get some people for you.

#7

We are all here to help support you, as we talked about. In your situation, you can’t worry about anything but YOU, and getting yourself better. You need to do whatever helps, and don’t worry about losing your position or making anyone angry. Your life is more important than anything else. Please believe me that things WILL get better. Don’t leave us, Nicole. Get the help that you need. We understand, all of us. We really do. You can private message any of us, we will be there for you. Lindy

#8

NEB, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I USE TO PRAY TO GOD THAT HE WOULD LET ME DIE IN MY SLEEP. I DIDNT WANT TO GO ON EITHER. SOME DAYS I FIND MYSELF THINKING THE SAME THINGS. BUT YOU NEED TO REALIZE YOUR SELF WORTH. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF JOURNALING? I KNOW ALOT OF PEOPLE ARENT INTO JOURNALING. BUT IT CAN BE HELPFUL. WHEN YOU FEEL WORTHLESS OR DESPAIR, WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED, OR SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. AND YES, YOU DO HAVE GOOD THINGS TO SAY ABOUT YOURSELF. JUST THE FACT THAT YOU ARE HERE AT CP AND POSTING SAID ALOT. IT TAKES GUTS TO DO SO. WHEN EVER YOU FEEL BAD, FLIP THROUGH YOUR JOURNAL AND READ WHAT YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED OR ABOUT A GOOD TRAIT YOU HAVE. IT IS BOUND TO CHEER YOU. JUST A SUGGESTION

#9

NEB, I hesitated to answer your call for help because I was so afraid I’d say the wrong thing. First of all, you need to call a HOT LINE and talk to someone until you are talked out. The national Hot Line number is:1-800-273-8255 OR another line is: 1-800-799-4889. Get off the computer and make that call right now. We can give advice, but they are trained to help. I want you to message me in the morning to let me know you have done this. We are all here for you and are praying for you. CALL one of those numbers NOW and send me a message in the morning. Many, many, many hugs.

#10

I've been there, immobilized by depression and grief.  Obviously, I don't know the details, but I get the impression you are facing more challenges than just needing another job.  My prayers are with you.  When life circumstances become overwhelming, desperate escapes come to mind.  I think an escape is an excellent idea, but not the option of eliminating all future birthdays.  There are many beautiful moments and tender embraces in your future.  Whether you are creating them or receiving them, it's all good!  Start with small escapes.  Have your morning coffee on the porch at dawn.  Visit someone who loves you, or needs love.

 

It isn't possible to think clearly or take full advantage of your valuable intuition, if you allow these problems to dominate your consciousness constantly.  In other words, you need a break from the issues.  A tragic act of ultimate despair is certainly not what you need.

 

If life has been rough up to this point, you need to hang around long enough to reap some of the good stuff!  My first thoughts of suicide occurred when I was about 10 years old.  They did not become rare until I was in my 40s.  Even now, I am at risk for sudden devastating mood crashes.  Apparently, for some, it's a comorbidity of chronic Lyme disease.  When it happens, everything looks bleak, everyone is saying things to hurt me, and life seems to be suffocating me into a panic.  When it happens, I set myself a goal, usually a day or two ahead, and tell myself that if I am not feeling better, then I will think about ways to abort my future on this planet.  Fortunately, the awful feelings have begun to subside by the designated time.

 

Getting back to the good stuff, I did not experience much of it until I was in my 40s.  So much has changed.  I have changed.  Looking back, it's difficult to imagine both how I survived, and the extent to which I undermined my own pursuit of happiness.

 

There are places to see, animals to stroke, hands to hold, hugs to give and receive.

 

Joy awaits.  I bet my life on it.

 

Many hugs, Aaron
#11

Thank you all so much! I really appreciate hearing from people who DO know what it’s like, and aren’t just saying trite things like how much I have to live for, and it’s not that bad. I have an appointment with my T in the morning and I guess I’ll have to think about what to do. I am just SO low right now I can’t even find the floor.

I really don’t know how my mom will react. Last year I was hospitalized with pancreatitis, but also experiencing some depression, and she came to visit one day all angry and crying, and told me that she just couldn’t take it! She vented at me and then stormed out. Needless to say, that didn’t help me much. Hopefully she’ll cope better this time around if it comes to that.

Without going into much detail, I am set, have a plan just not a date. I’m sure I’ll make it to my appointment in the am, but after that, I don’t know. Thank you all so much for your hugs, prayers and thoughts!!

#12

Right now you’re feeling that you have more on your shoulders than you can cope with. Believe it or not, that feeling will pass.

Please hold on for a second, just keep reading – read this one post.

Go back to the forum and read the next one.

Go back to the beginning, and start reading with the first reply to your call for help. We heard you. We’re listening.

If you can help it, PLEASE DO NOT read your own first post again. Start with the replies.

Keep reading – write another msg – we need to know you’re out there and OK.

OK, you’re still here.

Let me explain something. what you are feeling is not shameful, and is nothing to be ashamed of. Just in case, I carry an “emergency card” with me at all times. I take it out and read it out loud to myself when I start to feel it’s just too much.

The card says:

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Remember that when I feel suicidal,my brain is lying to me and making things seem worse than they are.

Remember that my life is valuable and worthwhile, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

Suicidal felings and thoughts are not true and are not your fault.

All these things are true – your brain is just not letting you think of them right now.

Listen to your T – don’t think “what good will it do?” It can make all the difference in the world.

Last September I spent 8 days in the hospital, because i just could not handle anything in my life.

Sure you’re right. Everything will still be there when you get out. But you’ll be better able to deal with it.

When i was being admitted to the hospital I had never been so afraid in my life. But it was OK. I was allowed 8 days to focus on me.

You mother has plans? Gguess what, that’s not your issue to solve. Right now the only solution you need to find is the one for you.

The job search is in the future. Get stronger, so you can face that with hope.

Please, just keep reading.

Stay with us here.

Click on this link and start reading. Please. http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

We want to be able to talk you again tomorrow, and next week and next month.

Don’t let fear or pride keep you from getting help, going into the hospital.

please. stay with us. Keep reading.

we here on CP want to be able to talk to you a bit later, tomorrow, the next day, the next week, and the next month.

peace,
c

#13

Well, I’m back from my T – he still wants me to go to the hospital, and I guess he’s trying to work something out. I don’t know…he’s supposed to phone me later. I’m still not really sure that’s what I should do, but even I can realize that I’ve basically stopped functioning, so…

Thank you all for your kind words and support! And thank you for the messages as well. It has meant a lot to me! I was actually even looking forward to getting online this morning. Hopefully today will be a bit better, but I don’t have any faith that the big picture will change. I’d still really like to get hit by a truck. I know you’re all rooting for me and that does make a difference.

((((((hugs)))))) to all!
Nicole

#14

Hang in there, you know there is light at the end of this tunnel, all your friends have flashlights and we are looking out for you!!!
Stay in touch. Hugs

#15

How did your visit with your Tdoc go? I hope he gave you some good advice and that you took it to heart. Didn’t get that message that I was looking for, but I did see your post, so you’re still with us. Reread Arron’s and Seesaw’s post. Both of them are so good and encougaging. From people who have been where you are now and lived t o tell the story. Could you get your mother to go to counciling? She’s coming from another generation (mine) and sounds like she unfortunately doesn’t get it. Wanted to check in with you and remind you DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOOLISH. This will pass with time, but death is permanent. (an overused statement, I know) but never the less true. Stay with us and write any od us anytime. Judy

#16

Me again. I wrote before I read your message from this morning. Glad to see you’re still here and talking to us. Keep it up. We’re all here for you, as you can tell. I’ve been here long enough to know the people that are answering you are for real. They really care and want to help. So listen to us all. Go enjoy the sun (or rain), listen to the birds, look at the flowers, and think of all you’d miss if you weren’t here. Don’t I sound just like Pollyanna? Stay with us and you’ll always get a reply from someone. (((((HUGS)))))

#17

You know what’s so ironic? My mother sees a counsellor, but I know she doesn’t share everything with her. I have no idea what she says about me, but judging from some of the things my mother says to me (and the fact that one time she read a book on how to live with a person who has borderline personality disorder (which NONE of my docs thinks I have)) I can only guess what she’s telling her.

Her old social worker asked me to come to an appointment one time b/c she thought it might be helpful, and so I mentioned the house (my mom’s got a bit of a hoarding problem, which even she will admit is really messing up her life), and she HAD NEVER MENTIONED IT!! In, like, 3 years of seeing this person.

So, I guess you can get the picture that I don’t think counselling is going to help her much. Oh well. I just have to GET OUT! My big problem is, of course, that b/c she has been all I’ve had all these years, I’m very conflicted and I don’t really want to hurt her. And, yes, she uses guilt mighty well.

There really is no hope. sigh

#18

hi neb lots of our families use guilt etc to manipulate and I guess I have been guilty of this too. Try and focus on you and you alone. What do you need what do you want what can you do to make yourself feel better. It is not easy to turn your back on depression and start the climb out but you have done the first step by asking for help even though you still feel bad. I too had a plan and kept it there in the back of my mind but gradually I realised I hadn’t thought about it for a while and my focus shifted. Do one nice thing for yourself each day. Buy flowers or a coffee or go for a walk or a swim or just sit in the sun. Write down stuff and get it clear in your head what is upsetting you. You are precious and we want to hear from you…there are some kind people on here who will always respond so keep posting!!! hugs hugs and more hugs.

#19

Remember, we are all here for you, no matter what, Nicole!

#20

SOME PARENTS DO HAVE A HABIT OF IT’S ALL ABOUT THEM. MINE SEEM TO THINK MY DEPRESSION IS BECAUSE THEY SAY I AM LAZY. MEANWHILE I AM THE ONE WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR BOTH OF THEM. BUT THE SECOND MY BROTHER SAYS SOMETHING OH WHAT HE SAYS GOES CAUSE HE WILL SPEAK UP AND TELL MY MOM OFF AND DOESN’T CARE. IT IS DIFFERENT WITH DAUGHTERS. MINE MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY ALL THE TIME. MY BROTHERS JUST BLOW IT OFF. OH WELL BUT I GET UPSET. I HAVE LEARNED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS THAT I MATTER. EVEN THOUGH I GET DEPRESSED I STILL MATTER. WE SPEND SO MUCH TIME THINKING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSES NEEDS EXCEPT OUR OWN. IT IS HARD TO CHANGE BUT IT IS A SLOW PROCESS BUT IT WILL HAPPEN. YOU DO HAVE TO START TO THINK ABOUT YOUR NEEDS AND YOUR WANTS AND BASICALLY TELL THEM TO (CAN’T SAY IT ON HERE LOL) AND NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND THEM. MY SON SAYS TO ME WHEN I GET UPSET MOM WHY DO YOU LET HER GET TO YOU. YOU JUST FALL INTO THAT PATTERN AND AFTER ALL THESE YEARS THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS. BUT THERE IS HELP OUT THERE . WE ALL LOVE YOU HERE ON CP BUT PLEASE DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT FAMILY THINKS. IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW.
MUCH LOVE AND HUGS