Hi I’m Mike, a 22 year old male from upstate NY…and I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life. I am a virgin…and it’s not like I am a bad looking guy…it’s just that I can never talk smoothly and confidently to girls the barely a handful of chances in real life that I have even had. It’s driving me insane…I get pissed off and cry at the same time basically and it’s been getting worse and worse. These past couple years it has been gradually building up…it hasn’t always bothered me to this extent of course…but I tell no one at all, save for a friend of mine yesterday that I’ve known since the 4th grade…however what I never tell anyone is just exactly how upset really I get with the whole deal…being a virgin and never “gettin” any…it’s so painful…everything around me screams “sex” yet I get people trying to tell me off from it and tell me it’s not worth it despite the fact that they themselves seek it out! I mean cmon…please think before you speak! I know there’s a huge world out there with a trillion far worse things going on…but still this is what I suffer from. I don’t know…I figure that the “gettin” some part can only happen if I can break free from this repression…or is it even that simple? Or is that depression second guessing myself there? Will anyone care? Will this all just be laughed at? Some will scoff at me…others will be more sympathetic…all I can do is try and possibly just get dismissed immediately.
Hi Mike…hopefully some of the guys here will be able to offer you some ‘manly’ advice but I just wanted to say that from my perspective…you are probably not as alone as you think. I have several guy friends now in their mid-late 20s who admit that they were not so sexually active as they proclaimed to be in their late teens or early 20s. I have personally had one guy who went round our group teling everyone that he had ‘scored’ with me when we were about 20, when in fact we only went to a movie and kissed once.
I was incredibly shy and had some awful experiences with guys beyond my control when i was in my early teens. As a result I would blush profusely and be unable to converse with boys other than getting out a “yes/no” or “maybe” retort. I would sit in agony trying to think of something funny or cute but then the moment would totally pass me by. I have also had more than one guy drop me because they said that although I was nice, I was too shy. For a couple of years my nickname was “statue”. Sheesh they were fun times NOT!!
Im now almost 30 and about to be married with kids! Because of my anxiety/social phobia etc etc, it is a sad fact that my fiance is the first man I have kissed sober (not that Im a huge drinker but I used to need a couple of drinks to loosen up in social situations oops…probably still do).
Anyway, my point is that the more you focus on “sex” and/or the fact that you are still a virgin…the more likely it is that you will come across as desperate and the more you are likely to continue feeling bad about yourself. Maybe you should be proud of who you are and just try and kick back a bit…focus on doing things that are going to build up your self-confidence and meeting girls that you are interested in as people without any expectations.
Yeah we are bombarded through popular culture with images of sex, physical perfection and the current definitions of the “ideal” and it is difficult not to internalise some of that and feel like we are not good enough…but when it comes down to it, you can only start with YOU and liking what you see in the mirror (metaphorically speakin of course)…
Sorry for rambling and maybe Im not much help given that there is still a bit of a double standard when it comes to sexual experience and gender BUT I just want to assure you that you are ok!!
Good luck,
Poppy
poppy that was good advise…mike relax when the time is right it will happen. i am sure you don’t want to wham bam thankyou mam. i know it must be hard i waited till one month before i got married. i was afraid i wouldn’t like it and didn’t want my future husband dissapionted ok to much tmi but wait relax make sure you found a companion who will appriciate you … racy
i will say too from my own past…(and yes that makes me officially old 
)…that hind sight is 20/20…if i could do it all over again boy would i have done things differently…
i lost my virginity at 18 with a man of almost 30…who i then felt i had to marry out of obligation…which i did…which ended in an abusive relationship and a marriage of only 18 months…
i always have had low self esteem and just wanted to feel accepted and loved…so i would fall in “love” very hard…and not get that love back in return…after my divorce i met a man who i thought was different…WRONG…only this time i ended up pregnant…and then was abused by this man too…
i wouldn’t trade that precious little one for a second…but like i said hind sight…
i then ended up married to another man who has completely become someone who i don’t even know anymore…someone who i don’t even like…someone who have nothing in common with…
but again I will speak from experience…fate will bring that special person into your life at just the right time, just when youre not even looking…and what a lucky girl she will be to share that with you…i would be proud of that if i were you…i don’t think many people get to share that with someone…and when you truly love someone it will be an amazing experience worth waiting for!!!
hey mike,
thinking back i can remember concerning myself with the fact that i was never the guy within my circle of guy friends that would never “get any”…I had girl friends when i was younger, around middle school…when just kissing someone was a big deal …but high school and beyond things were a bit more difficult…i went all through high school without haveing a girl friend, but around the age of high school is kinda when i fell into my social distortion so contact of anykind was out of the question…after highschool and into the real world, there was no college for me…instead it was an apartment with 4 other friends who were having sex on a regular basis but me…what the hell was going on…i was able to make really good girl “friends” but was never able to have the glory of mateing a girlfriend…( god i kill myself)…
I cant really give any advice…fate is all that it is, when the planets allign and your 3 degrees left of saturn, that will be your time…
my time came when i was 23 the moon was full and i think i stuck my elbow in some barbacue sauce…it really is rough…but dont dwell on it…your on fates list…did i mention i was 23, geeeez, what was fate thinking…
take care, social-d