happiness is meeting the challenges you have set for yourself.
Great one, Cyndi!
Good friends coming home~
HAVING A GOOD FRIEND TO COME HOME TOO
Hi Everyone, Happiness is…having your meds work for you so you aren’t manic nor depressed. I am still coming out of a depression, a bad one, that had lasted for 2-3 months. I’m beginning to feel alive again, still depressed but not like I was.
I thoroughly enjoy my job. I work the late shift, 5-3 three nights a week. For the most part, the passengers are really pleasant and easy to get along with. My dispatcher one night was kicked in the face; and another driver was kicked in the back. But I haven’t had any physical agression on me yet; mad because they didn’t want to pay the fare, or was late; or even too early, believe it or not! But it is still an interesting job.
My other happiness is: seeing my Mom laugh at some silly remark one of us makes. You know she lives with me. She has dementia, in a w/c, and we have to do every thing for her; but it is so rewarding to provide a home for her; and us making sure she gets the proper care. My sisters and myself were CNA’s in a nursing home for a good portion of our working years; so knew how t take care of her. I just can’t seem to lift her any more. Any way, happiness is taking care of your parents and watching them laugh!
Ike…be careful and aware while working at night. I am sure you are, I guess it can be dangerouse but maybe also interesting too??
Your story warmed my heart the way you spoke of your mother. My father in law also lives with us with Dementia and it presents so many challenges every day. Meeting them with love, patience and humor make every day special!
Happiness is being able to share laughter with an elderly parent and to see the twinkle within thier eyes!
Ike, I wish I had your grace in dealing with your Mother, and Bon you too, I didn't know you had that going on in your life as well. My Mom is in the same place and exhibits intense angry outbursts and then doesn't remember she did it. I struggle with this and feel so inadequate. It hurts me deeply even though I may understand.
OOPs forgot my HAPPINESS IS part. sorry
Happiness is knowing your heart is coming from love.
Thank you BonBon and River. Well my meds were working,however the LIthium has give me some bad side affects and they want me to go off it, and just take the Trazadone. I’m not sleeping, but in parts of 2 hours at the most. But that is neither here nor there right now.
My sister has had do most of the care of Mom because of this reaction to Lithium, I have no balance and I easily get light headed if I move too fast or bend over.
My Mom was way back when she was either a teen or a kid, as after her ride she kept saying “we have to tell Mom where we are for the night” and would not be talked back to reality. Some times her mind is really “bad.” She too, has angry outbursts at us; esp. if she thinks we don’t understand what she is talking about. She keeps thinking she is just staying here, and keeps making the remark “she wants to go home.” But we haven’t figured out if she means the ranch, or the house she last lived in. She thinks my cats are her cats from the other house. lol
I get new upper dentures this month! I am so excited. This upper I’ve had since '87 so it is pretty worn out!
Thank you guys for talking to me. River, I’m going to say something tha is very hard to do! But…but don’t take your mother personally. Even though we tend to because she is our mom, but we have to remember her age, the progression of the disease. If you want to blame, blame the disease not your self. Remember you are the one that loves her; she may not be able to love back because of her own inadaquacy due to the dementia. She may be angry because she has lost her independence, and is confused most of the times, not understanding where she is, and worse yet, why she is there and not in her own home. Also she may be depressed, try getting an antidepressant for her, if you haven’t already.
I don’t know if that helps, but it does me when Mom gets angry at me or one of the twins.
Love you all,
Ike
BonBon
Thank you for your comment about be safe. You know I’m either stupid, too secure within myself, or just plain naive, I’m not afraid when I’m out there driving. I’ve found for the most part with the drunks, if I laugh at their jokes, interact with them, and keep a sense of humor, I don’t have a problem. But let me go to work in a negative mood, then I get all the lashings out of their temper. I’m sure my time is coming when someone is going to be really mad at me, and I may have to defend myself. But on the rez I have many friends! Any way, thank you for your concern.
IKE,
I again, am crying, I am just very emotional of late and tears are unusual and hard for me.
But your words Ike strike home so directly.
I know she must not mean what she says, they are vile and so pointedly hateful. It is so hard to hear without feeling like such a failure.
I have to share… she told me just yesterday out of no where, she would rather slit her throat and die rather than have to speak to me again. It came out of the blue. I tried to ask what I did, and she would begin screaming “oh God, Oh God, leave me alone”. I feel so torn, to just hang up the phone with such discord and pain so evident. She is unable to explain what is going on and doesn’t see herself as sick, or on any level causing pain. Her Dr. does not recognize her dementia as worthy of treating. Her heart is in horrible condition, she has used every vein they could strip to do several bypasses, and she’s had a ventricular resection removing all but 10% of her left ventricle so there would be enough living muscle to pump the blood from the chamber. She has had multitudes of TIA’s (small stokes). she refuses to stop driving and had a bad wreck recently, as well as leaving her car running after getting out and it driving off and running through the wall of the house. She will not stop getting on tractors and trying to bush hog the farm. She will not allow anyone to live with her believing everyone is a thief and trying to take advantage of her.
We were a loving family till my father passed and now, we’re like strangers and with all these ‘out of the mind’ painful attacks coming at odd times… it’s so hard not to be hurt deep in my heart.
your kindness brought to the fore my pain, not in a bad way, but I’ve not talked about this aspect of my life much. It’s hard not to take personally her rages.
Thank you so much for sharing about your experience and giving me a chance to share a bit of mine.
I feel like you hugged me and it really feels good.
My God, I hope someone takes her keys away from her. She really doesn’t mean or even know what she is saying. Don’t take it personally. Everyone that my mother has known with dementia in the first stages accuses their family of stealing from them, even their bed sheets, if that is any comfort…I think that has to be a “usual.”
I CAN’T URGE YOU STRONGLY ENOUGH TO CONSIDER IKE’S WISE MSG. YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY FEELING BETTER, BUT STILL AWARE OF YOUR OWN FRAGILITY. IN SPITE OF YOUR GAINS, “FAMILY” STILL PULLS… DO YOU REALLY WANT TO RISK THEM-YOU- TO GO THERE? IT’S AN IFFY PROPOSITION, RIVER. AND NOT EASY TO GET OUT OF ONCE COMMITTED TO.
WISHING YOU NOTHING BUT THE BEST,
ME~A/K/A PHOENIX
River, it sounds like your mom has crossed the threshold of being a danger to her self and others. You need to hold a family meeting if possible, and decide who will take responsibility for her care. There is a legal procedure, in Florida; it's called a "Baker act," that facilitates involuntary admission to a psychiatric facility for at least 72 hours for evaluation. There must be an equivalent process in your state.
When financial resources are at stake, there is potential for some very uncharacteristic behavior among family members. Who ever becomes the primary caregiver is usually the person who controls how financial resources are distributed. In many families, that individual suddenly becomes very unpopular. Therefore, I suggest you proceed with the advice of a lawyer who is familiar with this area of practice if possible.
This situation alone is enough to demand a person's full emotional resources. In addition, you are going through a difficult divorce. You need to accept help and support from every possible source, especially God.
You have my deep admiration for maintaining such a positive outlook in the midst of such difficult circumstances. You're also in my prayers.
Many hugs, Aaron
River,
I can relate to where you are coming from. I would suggest with your Mom driving, go down to DMV and ask what you can do to stop her driving. Legally they can her drivers license away.
I understand about “after your dad dying,” as the same thing happened in our family. Our dad was the one that kept the family together. Then after he died, Mom and the three kids moved across the road from me, and we enjoyed a 15 yr. relationship; until I left my first husband,as he was a child molestor and abuser. But I lost every thing when I left him. My friends, my kids, my family, and I had nothing but my clothes on my back; and in a huge town not knowing any one but the women in the shelter.
When elderly people, including your Mom, get dementia, in the beginniing they know something is wrong, but don’t know or understand what it is, it just SCARES them tremendously. In their generation, dementia wasn’t dealt with, or even understood. Yes she does sound pretty horrible, but hon, just remember you aren’t really talking to your Mom, it is a person getting old and with dementia; and she is very afraid. She is fighting back, thinking that is what she has to do to survive. You my friend need to find a support group of care givers. If we are here at cp is enough, that is okay too. But talk about your feelings, otherwise they will bottle up and you will end up in the hospital. YOU have to take care of yourself!!! in order to take care of some one else.
Love you,
Ike
Thank you all, just getting to speak it helps. I am hoping she will calm down and let me come to visit. It’s a very long drive and to go there and be turned away is too much of a drive and for me right now an expense.
River,
Hard, but then don’t go there! In your heart you know you love her! So you have nothing to feel guilty about! YOU have to TAKE CARE OF yourself in order to stand her anger. If you aren’t in the right place with yourself, you are only tearing yourself down.
love you,
ike
Ike, you’ve lightened my heart. Having ‘permission’ to take care of me without feeling guilty is a treasure. thank you for your understanding and compassion.
Thanks for your supportive and loving words. I have much to think about.
be safe river either way
Hi River,
You know I do know where you are coming from. It is not easy for to take care of ourselves before others. My counselor has been telling me to do this since I brought Mom home. I don’t leave my house unless it is with her and my sister. Unless it is to go to work. She’s been preaching to me to start taking care of ME! But I would feel so guilty. It has been encouraging talking to her, because she was in the same situation. She had been taking care of her Mom with dementia.
So I’m learning from the best and one that actually knows. So River, PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF first, no matter how hard it is to do!
love you,
ike