I used to make the thoughts stop like this:
I wold picture myself gone - dead - did it - so my physical body is gone, I can’t move, talk, touch, react so that anyone will know it. There is no way to reach the peole who are still alive. The thing that stopped me was I know there is an afterlife.
If there is an afterlife, that means I would go on. I would not be able stop my thoughts or my feelings. They would be in another place, but they wold not stop. my soul would remain here on earth for a while. So Although I could no longer speak I would be watching the person who found me - dead. Then the phone call to the closest relative -(no matter how distant they feel ). It most likely be my parents. since I would be dead and able to see most everywhere, i would see the devestation in thier eyes when they were told over the phone that their daughter was gone. Then, they would have to try and pull it together if they could - they might not be able to -. They would be driving down figuring out what they would say to my sons. or depeneding on how it was done they may be the ones who already know - at 17 and 23 years old. They would be in shock and confusion. it would be so severe. it is always hard on the cloest ones. And then the funeral and people think - oh then it is over…
But it is not - as they go on because they don’t have the luxury of just leaving - they would all live with the pain. When asked about thier family they would have to say oh my mother - sister - daughter - friend -neighbor etc killed herself. So inessesnce, they would no longer have a mother not have a daughter, not have a sister. And that is the hard part for them. Yes they can get through days - some good some bad, but their pain would stay. and when they thought of me -they would alwyas be sad. It would take a long long time to get past the sadness of a suicide - so other than in a normal death, their inital thought would be what could i have done. And why why why. And in a spiritual world having left this earth, when we thought of them, we would feel their pain, not our connection to them,we would feel their sadness, and it would take a long long time to get past it. past the guilt -
many of you know peole who have committed suicide.
I am not condemning them, because I know they did just want to get out of their pain. It was too great. and i know the pain.
But I know the grief of losing a son to suicide.
I try to get past it. Many of my memories are just his happy ones now. But it is hard - I still often feel his pain that I could not relieve. i still feel responsible. Most of all I will miss him - I do miss him incredibly, But I will miss him for my enitre lifetime. I don’t believe he is “stuck” here anymore. But I think some of my and probably others’ uncontollable grief kept him here - in limbo. And I can’t imagine anything harder, than to be watching the ones who you care about in pain. all they want to do is see you - talk to you laugh with you and you can no longer do anything about that. No matter how rejected and hurt and mad at them you feel now. You are gone permanently from this earthly world, and all you can do is try and send signs, maybe they will get it. - ,maybe they won’t, but at best all they can do is believe and hope you are near and okay
That is what we don’t realize. Herre on earth we have control overr how we touch people. Many of us feel so out of control and that is part of our pain. we don’t know why we are out of control or sad - but we just want it to stop. But if we just try and imagine what we do have cotrol over no matter how limited. At this moment, we can touch,see hear smell, feel, taste anything. simple simple pleasures of life seem insignificant. But when we are dead, we will feel -which is what hurts the most - but I believe we will still feel, but we will not have the opportunity to touch someone. just a hug helps sometimes. or taste anything, just something sweet sometimes, or hear like we hear on earth - beautiful music - or the sound of a voice… or see . a beautiful sunset, or smell, the scent of a freh picked rose. Do you think all of those will be gone? I do.
When my son died, I didn’t want to hear the birds sing in the morning - it is still not as pretty.
I still have a hard time looking at sunsets, because I know he never will again.
The ocean and the waves don’t feel as good, but this is the one thing that doesn’t feel as bad.
Sometimes I don’t think I enjoy food as much, but sometimes i appreciate it more. For the first few days after he died I barely ate at all.
And I just realized now, i don’t really look for pretty scents anymore. Although I would try to find his scent in his clothes. That is all there is left to be able to smell him.
I think he wishes or wished he could take it back sometimes. Maybe his pain is gone -I hope so. But no one can know. The transition is very hard the moving on and away. it has been a year and 8 months and 8 days today. Yes I count the months. you just can’t help it-
they say when you are gone - ther is no time
the spirit world is timeless - so the only time we have is here
a lot of people have given up on this world. espcecially young people
this world is corrupt in many ways-
I think kids look at the world and see that we as adults ahve not done enough to make this world a better place
it is full of violence and hatred and hurt. When we look at going out into it, it seems odds our against us
we have to go- we have to make a living we have to find our friendships and there are many to be made,
we can offer good or we can offer bad
or we can choose to leave
all I can do is try to make my corner a little better
and maybe spread some love…
