I’m tired of being a virgin…but I don’t talk to people. I don’t talk to people…because I am shy or whatever…I feel like everyone is my enemy basically…it hurts badly. I don’t need to be told it’s ok there’s someone for everyone…I don’t need “it’s not that big a deal”…I just want help somehow. But nobody can do that…I won’t do anything…unless it can somehow entail friendliness to the fullest extent…next problem and this is the main problem is that I make a pitiful $8 an hour being a 22/m and screwed up…I forget if this is a no holds barred kinda place so I’ll refrain from more aggressive comments. I just want a girlfriend…but I can’t ever get one the way I am now…or maybe I can. I don’t know…but I have no patience and I don’t talk to people…so naturally I figure it’s pointless. I have no complaints on my appearance…though my physical health is beyond terrible…I eat horribly daily…the only thing lately that is of any use to me is the water I drink (I work outdoors). I have no control at all…zero. None. I waste money easily…on whatever route/thing I feel will help me feel better…(not drugs, though I do drink) Still, not heavy drinker really either. I don’t need the “your not alone speil” because I never thought I was. I can only focus on myself…and with this logic who should care at all about me when I don’t care back? And with this…I continue to wage an endless brutal war in my mind daily…literally every friggen second of every minute of every hour of every day of ect ect…I never stop thinking about it…I only think about how I will ever have sex…but ultimately a girlfriend is the ideal situation…of course. But…I don’t know. I need to be free on the social level…or at least enough to communicate. I can’t ever hope to have sex without communication. Free that is…and paying is no answer at all with my kind of income.
Have you talked to a professional, like your doctor, or a therapist or a social worker? Maybe you have something like depression, which so many people do, or an anxiety disorder, or social anxiety disorder, which may clear itself up with some temporary medication until you feel more comfortable in social situations. It is worth a try–I don’t think you sound as if you have anything to lose. Good Luck!
The main problem is not that you make eight dollars an hour. As you said, why should anyone care about you if you don't care about yourself. My question is, why don't you? Are you a defective human being? What disqualifies you for self respect? Are you angry with yourself for being shy? You really would do well to see a counselor of some sort. It is not unusual for a guy your age to drift along the path of least resistance, but in your case, it is taking you ever further away from the goal you seek, even if it's only to have sex without paying for it. If you ever did find a woman who would maintain interest in you at your current level of communication, I think she would eventually drive you insane! You may even lose respect for, and interest in her for the simple reason that she is attracted to you, kind of like Groucho Marx saying he would be ashamed to be a member of a club that would accept him. There is a basic natural phenomenon about life that you need to consider; in order to receive friendship, support or what ever, you must be willing to give it. It's awfully hard to give it, if you're too damn shy! I suspect that the shyness is largely based on your lack of self-regard. I suggest that you take inventory of what there is about you to like. While you are at it, think about those people who have traits that you most admire. Then dwell on this: you cannot perceive or understand those admirable traits, unless you have the potential to develop them in yourself.
Hang in there, and let me know how it's going, Aaron
There is nothing about me to like…I excel at nothing…and I don’t feel compelled to do anything. I shove junk food down my throat daily…I can literally feel myself degrade. I am lazy and any options I’ll pretty much give up on unless it provides some kind of immediate fix or solution. Is this whining or depression? I have no clue…at this rate I’ll certainly die…I’m not suicidal but I can’t exist in this world the way I am…far too weak. I’ll be a train wreck by 30 unless I can change…but I just don’t do anything. I need medicine to fix my outlook…make me feel better…or something. Talk isn’t going to cut it…but I don’t have a ton of money and I am so shy that this stuff I"m talking about right now I won’t say in real life to professionals. (I have went to a counselor once and it was useless…I mean I wasn’t even honest with her). I can only communicate truthfully through here…because I can’t face to face with somebody talking about this kind of stuff.
It is whining, but it emerges from depression. The depression is a result of your perception of self ineptitude. You indicate that you are not suicidal, but in the next sentence, you describe a long, slow process of suicide. If you want a pill to repair your outlook, you will need to see someone who is able to prescribe it. However, there is no such pill. Antidepressants are instrumental in elevating mood. That in turn gives your mind an opportunity to reevaluate your circumstances with less negative bias. I believe you should see someone and get an antidepressant prescribed. If you see yourself dead in eight years, due to your current lifestyle, what do you have to lose by trying an antidepressant? You don't come across as being terribly afraid to self-destruct, yet shyness is a form of fear, generally related to the possibility of negative judgment by others. I doubt if anyone judges you more harshly than you judge yourself, but if someone does, they are clearly not qualified to make such a judgment, and are most likely reporting their own character rather than yours. It is interesting that you appear to have greater dread of talking to people than you have to slowly destroying your life. What do you imagine might happen when you communicate with others?
Most communities have some form of mental health assistance for those with low incomes. They are usually not hard to find. One way is to call the local crisis line for your area. They are usually on a first name basis with such providers. Sometimes, social anxiety can be resolved by gradually increasing interaction with others. As your confidence builds, your anxiety will diminish.
I would write more, but I am exhausted. Hang in there, AaronWhat I agree with is that you need to talk to someone–HONESTLY, or they cannot help you, they cannot help you if you are not HONEST, I repeat. You need to get on some type of medication so that you can interact socially with other people more easily until you learn to do it without the medication. Believe me, you are a young man and not the first to have this problem and certainly not the last. This problem in no way makes you a freak–believe me. After you start getting the help you need, you will see that. In ten years, you will be married and have 2 kids and look back at this time and wonder how in the world you could have ever felt this way about yourself. This is only temporary, I promise. Call a help hotline number in your area and explain the situation and they will direct you in the right direction. If they don’t understand, call right back, they can’t see you, so don’t worry about it and you don’t give your name and it is their job to help you find what you are looking for, such as a local Family Service agency or local Mental health agency in your area. Make an appointment today, please. Karen
Thank you for your post Spiritriver. It was so clearly stated that it really helped me too! I so appreciate your wisdom, experience, kindness and generosity and vision.