Managing People's Expectations of Me

Depression
#41

A lot depends on a person's determination to communicate fully in whatever medium used.  Consider poetry or a good book.  A well written passage can create a much more vivid mental picture than the widest screen HDTV, or theater. 

 

At the same time, I'd hate to see someone avoid posting in a forum because of limited time and/or limited confidence in writing ability.  I'd rather see a short cryptic message that lets me know someone is thinking of me than not receive anything because the sender doesn't think the message can be made "pretty" enough. 

 

I wonder if this is a good time to bring up Paltalk or some other live chat program...

 

Oh yeah, this thread has to do with expectations!  In some social contexts, expectations are considered prejudice.  People tend to see what they expect to see in themselves and others.  As words and actions are pass through the "expectation filter," a person can feel his/her beliefs are validated, even if the reality of the situation is quite different, which usually means that the validation becomes a delusion.

 

Positive expectations tend to bring out the best in us, but it's not as simple as controlling another's behavior in a positive way by thinking well of that person.  Still, that person's behavior probably will be influenced by another’s expectations. 

 

I believe our best discernment comes from objectivity, intuition, and a conscious choice to see as much good as possible in others, as long as we don't put ourselves in a pointless and vulnerable position while doing so.  At the same time, I would rather invest trust, and have it betrayed repeatedly, than to become cynical and withhold trust from someone who deserves it.

 

A useful introspection is whether we are prejudice against ourselves, and have become cynical and unwilling to invest trust in ourselves.  When we fall short of our own expectations, have we betrayed ourselves?  Do we engage in self-deprecation as a result?  When someone else betrays us, do we assume that we did something to deserve it?  Food for thought…

 

Love and many hugs, Aaron

 

#42

Aaron - excellent food for thought. I, too, would rather people try to communicate than not communicate at all, but honestly, it is tiresome when I’ve been misunderstood through internet / email communication, and when I’ve tried to clear the air / explain I didn’t mean what another person thought I meant (they interpreted the wrong “tone” of my message), I have then let it go. It’s very hard on me at this point to try to meet others’ expectations when I know their filters keep messing up my communication with them… and the same has been true in my past, where my filter fowled things up - that’s why I have worked so hard on that :slight_smile:

Pretty messages - I hope no one feels they have to write things that way, but I bet some (perhaps many) do… honesty works in it’s purest form :slight_smile: For example, I get frustrated if I make spelling errors, and I always go back and fix them (it’s one of my “things”), but it never stops me from communication attempts… and I never ever care about someone else’s spelling, grammar, etc. errors. So correct, often times people hear only what they want to hear and discard the rest… human behavior. It’s a lot to overcome that desire, I’m sure, but well worth the effort. We lose so much when we stop listening.

I understand what you said about trust - you’d rather give it and be betrayed then to withhold it from someone who needs / deserves it - but I have found in my life that someone who betrays my trust repeatedly does NOT deserve my trust… and, at the same time, I am still open, willing, and able to share my trust with others… this, of course, has taken a lot of work on my part, as I used to withhold my trust from many. Of course, the abuses from the past have tread on this ability greatly, but it’s always worth my working on. I won’t, however, go out of my way anymore in this life to extend trust to someone who simply can’t find it within themselves to respect what I am offering (which really means they don’t respect themselves).

#43

I just wanted to share my happiness at having "former expectations" blown out of the water... last night, I had occasion to be at someone's house when a person whom I had had significant trouble with months ago came in. I was very upset to be in the same place with this person, however, as I watched and listened, I realized that the person she presented as last night (for several hours) is likely the person she really is most of the time... I now believe that last year, when she blew up at me and was completely irrational, defensive, and blaming, it was likely because she was overwhelmed by life and everything that was going on, and I just happened to be there when she "blew"... it was a nice "surprise" and turned out far better than I would have expected when she walked in the door :) It's a miracle nurse!

There's a positive!

#44

Hooray!!! Punkey, It’s wonderful to hear the circle come full and eyes are open and all is well. Puts a smile on my face right from my heart.

#45

I’m glad I could make you :slight_smile:

I hope each and every person who reads this thread (hey, anyone anywhere!) has this kind of moment, and I hope it’s a true and lasting moment :slight_smile:

It’s better than being screamed at for sure :wink:

#46

Every body has some expectations of others I expect my family to take care of me when they don’t I feel unloved and have a fit but then I have to be reminded that I am 32 I am an adult then I calm down and figure out how I can do what needs to be done myself until then the world is coming to and end but then I realise that every thing can’t be done the way I want it when I want it I am the youngest and have always lived with my parents and have no kids and is treated like a kid a lot but I don’t like it except when it works for me slightly spoiled thats what I am but kind hearted just thought you care givers needed to hear the other side we take you for granted yes but some times a reminder of what you do and a set of limits of what you are willing to do and a reminder of we can do for our selves is in order

#47

I agree Vicki a great message.
I find the line between nurturing and codependancy to be very narrow. Expectations can pull you back into a behavior patterns you’ve worked hard to get past. The expectations they have of me are well beyond doing dishes, or taking care of myself, help me out Punky or Spirit River. I am at a loss for words here.

#48

That’s a great message, Vicki! And a message which works for all of us - whether a person is a care giver or receiver of care given (and, we all fall into one or both of those categories every day throughout our lives, I’m sure) :slight_smile:

#49

You are so right River - you can cross from nurturing to codependency in a heartbeat… it’s something you and I, River have to keep in mind constantly… old patterns which would appear uncomfortable to others around us feel comfortable to us in that sad sort of “God help me” way because we have been trained since birth to be the caretakers of some very unhealthy people… it’s one thing to care for someone while they are physically sick, and then they get well, and life goes on, each person caring for the other and yet taking care of themselves… BUT it’s another thing to be raised to take care of everyone and everything from the day you’re born until the day you pass on… it’s very unhealthy and ruins your physical and emotional self UNTIL you can get out of the pattern… and River, WE CAN DO IT! :wink:

#50

Hey punky thanks for the great advice your profile is set to privat so I cannot message you personally Iam leaving this place tired of being a peace keeper care place needs to take over that job Iwill try to take baby steps

#51

I wanted to get this back to the top of the forum because there are so many positive, heartfelt messages in this thread... if you have the time to read them (and if you don't have the time now, please take the time later, it truly is worth it!)...

On the topic of expectations - we know we all have them, and we realize that some are in our subconscious, and others are right out there in the front of our minds... but we don't always know what others expect from us. Honesty is a great policy when it comes with tact and is meant in a good way (not in a critical, harsh, demeaning, etc. way). 

I wanted to leave everyone with this reminder - if we are on the receiving end of poor conduct from anyone even one time, there's a possibility we will expect that (poor conduct) from that same person EVERY time we have an interaction with them (therefore, we might avoid contact with them altogether or say cruel things based on one "false" or "bad" interaction - I say this as I've done it in my past AND it's also happened directly to me).

That would be awful - because we're not bad people, we just have bad moments.

Someone once told me to live my life as I would like it to be written in my obituary or for my epitaph... sounds morbid, but if we lived in such a manner that the things that were said about us when we passed were mostly positive, that wouldn't be so bad, would it?

I'm trying to relax on my expectations of myself (which are tremendously high) and everyone else, while not ever losing hope that I can expect respect and decency (because that is what I give) :)

#52

From me, you have both respect and admiration.  HUGS, Aaron

#53

And Aaron, you have my respect, admiration, and some awe thrown in for good measure :slight_smile: I so very much appreciate what you add to this site… it’s wonderful!

#54

Other people’s thoughts about expectations… see if you agree with any…

Abraham Lincoln:

The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.

Alexander Pope:

'Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed' was the ninth beatitude.

Alice Walker:

Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise.

Brian Tracy:

Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy.

Candace Bergen:

People see you as an object, not as a person, and they project a set of expectations onto you. People who don't have it think beauty is a blessing, but actually it sets you apart.

Cervantes:

Those who will play with cats must expect to be scratched.

Charlotte Bronte:

Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.

Dame Edith Evans:

I can't imagine going on when there are no more expectations.

Dennis Wholey:

Expecting the world to treat you fairly
because you are a good person
is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you
because you are a vegetarian.

Edward de Bono:

Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations.

Ellen Galinsky:

Cultural expectations shade and color the images that parents-to-be form. The baby product ads, showing a woman serenely holding her child, looking blissfully and mysteriously contented, or the television parents, wisely and humorously solving problems, influence parents-to-be.

Goethe:

Treat a man as he is, he will remain so. Treat a man the way he can be and ought to be, and he will become as he can be and should be."

Henry David Thoreau:

We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn.

Henry David Thoreau:

We are always paid for our suspicion by finding what we suspect.

Henry David Thoreau:

Our circumstances answer to our expectations and the demand of our natures.

Henry Ford:

If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right. (also attributed to Mary Kay Ash)

Joan Didion:

To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves--there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.

John Lubbock:

What we see depends mainly on what we look for.

Leo Buscaglia:

Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations.

Mark Twain:

Always do right--this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

    message to Young People's Society, Greenpoint Presbyterian Church, Brooklyn, New York, February 16, 1901

Mark Twain:

A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes.

Mark Twain:

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

Mary Decker Stanley:

I've always got such high expectations for myself. I'm aware of them, but I can't relax them.

Mary Kay Ash:

Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.

Michael Jordan:

If you accept the expectations of others, especially negative ones, then you never will change the outcome.

Patricia Neal:

A master can tell you what he expects of you. A teacher, though, awakens your own expectations.

Samuel Johnson:

As I know more of mankind I expect less of them, and am ready now to call a man a good man, upon easier terms than I was formerly.

Thomas Alva Edison:

If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves.

Thomas Jefferson:

I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.

Victor Frankl:

A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any "how."

Walt Whitman:

Reexamine all that you have been told in school, or in church or in any book. Dismiss whatever insults your soul.

Yogi Berra:

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
#55

It’s hard not to expect the worst when we see it so frequently on a daily basis, however, I have HOPE.

#56

I expect the worst thats why I get stuck I am afraid if I take another step it will not work out and I will be disappointed and feel hopeless and others will feel frustrated because I couldn’t do it or didn’t do it

#57

I think before anything else we are human…Most of us nice humans.
And with great respect for life.

#58

I am with you Punky, I was recently blown away with my own ability to forget myself and my needs and my health in an effort to make someone else feel comfortable. Ended up with my STBX husband furious with me, and to me I was doing the “right” thing. For everyone but me. Will I ever get it right?
And Eeyore, attempting to do things you physically haven’t done or are unsure about doing would be lessons in trial and error not success or failure. There are many things that can be modified to make your goals manageable by breaking them into smaller parts, and there may be things that just require assistance. One day of good outcomes can’t predict that for everyday as I am sure you realize. I hope your family does. I know right now, My family keeps wishing me to get well. I have a chronic illness, it’s not gonna get well. I’ll have good days and bad days, and still if I have a good day the expectations they have go up and as yall know my sense of wellness goes down. Is this what they call loved to death?

#59

Good post River… lots of thinking to do - this thread helps me, I like it!

:slight_smile:

#60

Vickie - it just occurred to me that perhaps our being worried about the frustration that others experience “due to us” (and I say that rather sarcastically) is likely a large part of the problem… let’s think very carefully - do (most of) the people who get frustrated with us and our (supposed) failed attempts CARE AT ALL when they frustrate us - do they notice and / or apologize to us when something they have or have not done affects us negatively - or do they think we should just “get over it”?

I get the feeling that most people who we are worried about pleasing are not concerned in the same way or to the same degree that we are about them and their feelings… so let’s work on ourselves and our needs because if we are fulfilled and healthy, the rest falls into line. Working on ourselves, caring about ourselves, and putting our health at the top of our list does NOT make us selfish… only healthier!

Good luck as we continue on the journey together…