Needing your advice

Depression
#1

Last February my then 18 year old son left home because he was an adult and he didnt feel he had to follow any of our wishes. In the next 4 months he was awful, his cruelty, especially towards me was to depths I never imagined he would be capable of. In that time he also blew off school and blew his diploma…June 1st, the night he was to graduate, he called us, basically homeless and full of remorse…I realized after we let him come back home, that he never muttered the word sorry, not even once.

Since he came back home he’s worked a total of two weeks, he’s disappeared for days at time, rarely lifted a finger to help us. He would stay up all night and sleep all day, regardless of all the times we came down on him because he was disrupting the lives of my husband, 11 year old and I. He enrolled in an online high school, was always on the computer, but we soon found out he is failing all of his classes…everyone told us to toss him out, that we were destroying our family and not really helping him…but we couldn’t, mostly because he has marfan’s syndrome, and in 2006 he had lung surgery, heart surgery, both because of the marfans, and he had brain surgery to remove a clot from an artery in his brain that was caused from him falling off a moving car…and he lied to us all the way in to surgery about what happened…theres been so many lies, so much heartbreak…he went off vital heart meds when he left in Feb., one stipulation we made when he came back here was that he needed to get back to the doctor and back on the meds…he never did. His cardiologist told me its not a matter of if but when his heart will fail without treatment, but our hands have been tied because he was an adult, and not talking meds is not grounds for a risk to themselves to get a committal…

So today, in a matter of being gone for three hours he moved out…he completely trashed his room, leaving a mess of what he didn’t want behind…and also taking with him our stereo equipment and a Tv…we found out he’s been telling his friends that we were kicking him out December 1st, not an ounce of truth to that…so on top of the lies he’s also robbed us…

I don’t know how in the hell to get thru this…again…he seems determined to crush and destroy this family. Last time he did this it nearly killed me, I was back on my knees from being face down in the dirt, and here he goes again…I don’t think I have anything left to get thru this again…ad last time we could say teenage rebellion…but this time was so planned so deliberate.

I don’t know what to do…

#2

I am going to please please please beg you to seek professional help, guidance and advice. You have a great deal of very stressful and horrific events / emotions going on in your life, and you need more help than just the support and comfort we have to offer here… though you have that too. Please seek a counselor for yourself, please.

#3

I must agree with Punky. This is something you can’t do alone.
I wish you luck. I am so sorry for you. You must get help.
Hugs and prayers, sammi

#4

I am adding my I AGREE to Punky’s and Sammi’s remarks. I have been just where you are now except for the medical conditions. My son moved out when he was 17, he did graduate, tho, and moved back in 2 years. Decided he still didn’t like our rules and moved out again. He had a drinking problem and I can’t count how many times we bailed him out of jail. We enabled him until I thought I would be committed myself. He blamed me if the sun rose in the morning or it was my fault for…whatever. Ididn’t realize how bad it was until my internist sent me to a psycologist. He has helped me so much though it took a very long time. Long story short, you must find a professional to help you through this. Because of his medical problems, I know it will be so hard to realize he is making these choices, wrong ones, but his. But please, please find some one to talk to. And don’t let it come between you and the rest of your family. Get help NOW!! I know I’m glad I finally did. Many prayers for the days ahead. And a few HUGS for you, too.

#5

The advice given to you before me was so good that I can’t add anything but Big Hugs and many prayers that you listen to them, right away so that your family does not self-destruct, also. God Be With You! Lindy

#6

Yesterday, I came home to find the entire street lined with police cars.  My son's landlord and my friend had come home from visiting his family in Vietnam to find that his place had been vandalized, valuables stolen, and someone had been using his car.  Very valuable items of sentimental value are also missing, including WWII relics, photos, etc.  It was either my son or his friends or both who did this.  He's on crack and is essentially out of his mind.  He has placed himself beyond my reach in terms of "rescuing."  Presently, he's not allowed around the house, and we had an alarm system installed.   

Whatever decisions you make need to take into consideration the well-being of yourself, your daughter and your husband.  You won't help him by losing your ability to maintain a decent relationship with the rest of your family, which is bound to happen if you allow him to cause you emotional devastation. 

 Prayers, Aaron

#7

My Dear Friend, Please read my journals about my sons. Different circumstances than yours, But in many ways the same. It’s all about children who choose dysfunction. It is heartbreaking for parents who have to deal with children who follow a distructive path. Please share my story and see how we enable our children out of love. I know your son is ill and how that must tug at you to aid him.But I,ve been there and done this and lost younger children because of my choices. My deans list child felt neglected and has abandoned her love for me . We as mothers give the most attention to the child that needs it. Forgetting the other children who may be trying thier best to get your attention are taken for granted. I read your story and my heart leapt out for you and what you must be going through, I,m now seventy years old. Please save what family you have and treasure all of them. The one who is out of step must learn life lessons and I hope to God he will survive them. As a mother I cannot stress enough, how important it is to seek help for your surviving family. Your son is non-complient and an adult. All you can do is pray and not assist him in his choices. Love and a basket of hugs, gramms

#8

Thank you to you all for your advice…it has been 5 nights now and not a word from my son, which I now know is intentional. He has not left our small town as he had left in a note…and we have came to find out that he has been planning this for some time…and he has continued to throw awful lies and stories around about us almost from the moment we took him back in. I spent three days so desperate for answers, even sending him emails asking him why over and over, showing him my devestation…of course with no reply… how I regret that…there have been moments where I have truly felt there was no way thru this, being totally irrational with my husband, blaming myself for the what ifs and we should haves…I even asked him to tell my oldest son not to make the trip to visit us that he has had planned for weeks. Luckily he didnt listen to me and my son came as planned…holding my grandaughter, having her smile at me and cuddle me, to see the love in my sons eyes, to know that he was willing to drive 5 hours up to spend time with us, knowing what his brother has done again and how torn up I was…to be there at my youngest sons basketball tournament as a family…a fractured one, but a family none the less…tonight my heart still aches over, and I still fear for my son…but I was able to look past that and see there are people here who do want me in their life, and somehow I have to hang on to that, and find a way to let go and let God…I am starting my search tomorrow for help for us…Thanks again to you all…it means so much to me
Elisa

#9

nlightn, This seems to be the only way I can get a message to you. You’re on my friends list, but I’m not able to message you through friends. I feel your pain and frustruation so much. Did you put me onyour friends’ list? Please do, so we can message one on one. Seems like you have so much to talk about to try to get things straight in your mind. Remember, none of this is your fault, so don’t play the guilt game like I did for so long. That doesn’t get you anywhere except crazy!!!. Judy