Victim Roles and NPD

Narcissistic personality disorder
#21

Victim Mentalities are a real issue that a lot of people deal with. That analogy is great story of someone who suffered a trauma and moved on with their life, but it doesn’t represent someone who has a victim mentality.

A better analogy of the victim mentality is someone who goes on a walk on the same high crime beach every night, and gets mugged every night, and never carries mace, never takes friends, doesn’t get a concealed hand gun, never reports the crimes, and never considers finding an area of the beach thats safer… and thinks they are doomed to get mugged forever.

People with abusive childhoods often go through it, but I don’t see it often in a single N relationship other than the people who wont remove themselves from an abusive relationship. People who think they attract bad men/women are victims, but they also need to consider where they go wrong in where and how they choose their mates.

A victim mentality is how I spent a large amount of my feeling bad about the consequences of the unhealthy decisions I had a habit of making.

#22

Oh, and my ex had it bad, so I wouldn’t imagine lots of N’s have it too. She’s an eternal victim…

#23

I agree

its unfortunate, however, that there is a trend (for those of us who found ourselves in the glass menagerie of a relatioNship) from a growing variety of sources that we shouldnt be feeling like a victim, that we cant move on until we’ve let go of our images of ourselves as victims, even on this forum a number of months ago there was a push by a couple members to admonish and criticize those of us who claimed we were victimized

one thing I am a big believer in is feeling our grief, our anger, our disappointment, our resentment at having been used, abused, taken and all the other slights and injuries we suffered while “trying to make it work”

because in swallowing whole other people’s critical introjects of our conduct and behaviour we deny what we have A RIGHT TO-- and get mired down in yet more self-criticism, when I dont know about you, or anyone else, but I took on more than my fair share of that WHILE IN the relatioNship, I wont take on anymore

at least thats whats feeling right and fair and balanced to me

#24

my exN, in spite of being Mr BadBoy had a victim mentality too
I heard things like
"guess I’m having to deal with shit all on my own, just like always"
“I told you, I’m tired of taking all the criticism”
“my business failed because of the dot com crash”
“my 1st business failed because of an evil american corporation”
“the reason I lie is because you make it so painful for me to ever tell the truth”
“the police are corrupt and discriminatory, I know, they targeted me for years”

blah blah blah

#25

It is unfortunate that people would use the concept to criticize or pass judgment. Its meant to be empowering to those who deal with it. I done a lot of rounds in support groups, and I dunno, I’ve learned a lot but theres a whole lot of concepts I still don’t understand or they just doesn’t apply to me, but having tons of info available eventually led me to figure out what did. Abuse can lead to some serious damage from PTSD to depression to dissociation and knowing how you got there or what you’re dealing with can be helpful.

I like having lots of information available so people can decide for themselves whats relevant, and to make sure people don’t lead them astray. I don’t want to see people thinking they are codependent when they aren’t, or… denying its an issue when it might be relevant. If hear somebody say the word victim, or if I hear the word depression, or anything about PTSD… I’m going to share how it effected to me and my experience with it because occasionally its useful.

#26

Oh, and the whole lying issue reminds me of my ex. It used to drive me up the wall. She lied constantly and somehow it was always my fault. She “had to lie” because I didn’t trust her and wouldn’t have believed the truth. Its the logic errors that really get to me… how telling the truth never seemed to be an option.

#27

Joh! everything which was said is exactly what i am going through with my husband and everything that he went through with his family including the sister who uses others. This is so hectic!pls tell me more how to deal with finding myself

#28

you know

I was thinking about how much I want to read these types of threads, not because I want to defend myselkf against them

but on some level I want to hear what works for other people

how shifting their frames of reference about themselves and others helps illuminate their paths

so while I post about “that may be true, but not for me”

I dont want to discredit or invalidate the processes everyone else is working

#29

Hi Spiralupwards and every1 else :slight_smile:

My hubby also enjoys being different, in the sense of GOD OF WAR! he believes that he is Cratos the God of Chaos. lol just like a little boy all his missing is his super heroe suit! Anyway
yes i also see him battleing within himself especially when he realizes that because of his action his daugher distance herself from him and he cant handle it .But what can you do?

Im at a point where im just taking it as it comes, like last night i never heard from him & i didnt even bother to contact him as to where he is.Now this morning im getting emails like crazy from him.

#30

Hi Joh130

I thought my N was the only person who invlves his Mom in our marriage life lol.He done the exact same thing when the deciete which he was hiding in the dark came to light!I havent even put the phone down then my N-mother inlaw called me to find out why her child is in a “panic” She never finds fault with any of her kids,when i got to a point where i couldnt handle my N i seeked comfort from her to speak to him about the abuse and her response was but i shouldnt press his buttons,when i told her he betrayed me with another she said “oh was that in the time we were seperated?well a man is a man”!i was so dumb struck as i was afraid to speak to my folks because my father is a Senior Supt Policeman but he knows now and i think his just waiting for 1 wrong move from him to put him behind bars.

Thanks to everyone elses response i made a decision to stand for my belief/worth or fall for everything and i refuse to fall anymore than what i did.I trying to cut all ties with him as i cant watch how myself and my N is destroying our babys life not a chance in hell! he can go F@#$ himself!I had enough emotional abuse,i had enough roller coasters and i had my fare share,my eyes are opening and i can only hope that God will strengthen my heart to pull through for whats still to come as i know its gonna come!

Please keep me in all of your prayers as i will keep you guys in mine

Bye