A Better Chapter - Thriving

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

(sorry mercenary, this is L O N G)

Its no secret I’ve been feeling frustrated with my own recovery. 14 months post N and whether I’m in a new rage phase, or feeling the emptiness phase, doesnt matter, I ALWAYS feel frustrated and impatient and wishing it would be over already.

I feel like I cant fully enjoy my romantic life because I’m not fully present with the guy,

I still have some form of temporary ADD (perhaps its PTSD?) and find it hard to concentrate or remember things,

I still dont feel back to normal whatever normal is, I was so miserable for SO long in my relationship I cant even remember what normal felt like.

Today my therapist told me not to sweat it, the recovery would be over when its over, and normal’s not coming any sooner just because I’m impatient.

But in the meantime

“why not start mapping out how fabulous your life will be after the recovery is over?”

wow…nice idea for homework.

So I’m going to start writing in a beautiful untouched journal I’ve been saving for just such a rainy day, about plans for 1) a summer in Italy (my friend and I already started making over dinner tonight).

Then it occured to me there have already been some changes that leave me feeling like I have a better life today than I did 14 months ago.

I have gorgeous red hair now!!! Sure it came out of a bottle, but I LOVE it!!!

The dark circles under my eyes have disappeared…what?? yes! they disappeared…havent been crying my eyes out and losing sleep like I did for 7 years makes a difference I guess.

I’m a lower weight “just because” I eat better, not because I’m at all disciplined (gawd knows I aint disciplined).

I’m on a lower dosage of BP meds…wow…I never expected that would come about but with so much less stress it makes sense.

I’m more emotionally present for my son.

I’m the social planner for my hub of friends and we do a LOT (compared to my universe-revolves-around-N previous life).

My photography took off, even got some paying gigs and a request for doing a shoot for a band’s CD cover.

…and there are more…probably a lot more if I really stop to think and make a list. I guess things sort of happen and shift when youre not really paying attention. The rhythm of life sort of returns after having been so out of beat for so long.

So I’m wondering what fabulous changes YOU’VE noticed? what fabulous plans have YOU got for the future?

How are our lives shifting from surviving to thriving?

#2

Phoenix, Mamolie - This is a special gift for you two especially. I hope you will at least read far enough to hear Ellis’ three core beliefs that cause us to create our own emotional distresses.

Albert Ellis (September 27, 1913 – July 24, 2007) was an American psychologist who in 1955 developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. He held M.A. and Ph.D. degrees in clinical psychology from Columbia University and founded and was the president and president emeritus of the New York City-based Albert Ellis Institute.[1]. He is generally considered to be the grandfather of cognitive-behavioral therapies and, based on a 1982 professional survey of U.S. and Canadian psychologists, was considered as one of the most influential psychotherapists in history (Carl Rogers placed first in the survey; Sigmund Freud placed third).[2]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Ellis

The Rational-Emotive Therapy (RET) Approach to Marriage and Family Therapy
Albert Ellis

Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy in New York City.

The Rational-Emotive Therapy (RET) approach to family therapy holds that people largely disturb themselves emotionally when they take their socially learned goals, standards, values, and preferences and irrationally reconstruct them into absolutist, inflexible demands on themselves, on others, and on world conditions.

Acquiring a philosophy of acceptance would significantly help people’s personal, marriage, and family relationships. This philosophy includes accepting human fallibility, demandingness, some degree of responsibility for one’s own disturbance, unconditional self-acceptance, and unconditional acceptance of others.

http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Rational-emotive-therapy.html

Rational behavior therapy see Rational emotive therapy

Rational emotive therapy (RET) is a psychotherapeutic approach which proposes that unrealistic and irrational beliefs cause many emotional problems.

Purpose

RET is a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). The primary focus of this treatment approach is to suggest changes in thinking that will lead to changes in behavior, thereby alleviating or improving symptoms. The therapy emphasizes changing irrational thinking patterns that cause emotional distress into thoughts that are more reasonable and rational. RET can be used to treat people affected from disorders such as anxiety, depression and stress.

Precautions

There are no major precautions, except that persons entering treatment must be willing to change behaviors that promote symptoms.

Description

Rational emotive therapy was developed by Albert Ellis in the mid-1950s. Ellis proposed that people become unhappy and develop self-defeating habits because of unrealistic or faulty beliefs.

In research reports from Ellis in 1979 and 1987 he introduced the model that most irrational beliefs originate from three core ideas, each one of which is unrealistic. These three core and unrealistic views include:

  1. I must perform well to be approved of by others who are perceived significant;

  2. you must treat me fairly—if not, then it is horrible and I cannot bear it;

  3. conditions must be my way and if not I cannot stand to live in such a terrible and awful world. These irrational thoughts can lead to grief and needless suffering.

As a therapy, RET is active. The RET therapist strives to change irrational beliefs, challenge thinking, and promote rational self-talk, and various strategies are used to achieve these goals. These strategies may include: disputing irrational beliefs (the therapist points out how irrational it would be for a client to believe he or she had to be good at everything to be considered a worthwhile person), reframing (situations are viewed from a more positive angle), problem solving, role-playing, modeling, and the use of humor. The client may also be requested to complete certain exercises at home, and bibliotherapy (reading about the disorder) may also be used as components of RET.

More on RET

http://www.albertellisinstitute.org/aei/index.html

#3

well done phoenix…thats great to read . What a good piece of HW to do

Its funny but on a smaller scale I did something similar recently…I was wallowing in self pity and wishing healing would move faster when I stopped to really look and focus on the fact that in small ways I AM improving…maybe theres a long way to go but I can defo see some small steps.

Also Ive recently made 2 books…one of which I write in all things that make me happy so that whehn I feel down I can see its NOT all bad !

As for fabulous changes Ive noticed hmmmmm I spend more time with my family and friends who really love me and dont hang about at home hoping he will come online…Ive been very busy helping my daughter decorate her new home and painted a fantasy mural on her babies bedroom wall. My little grandaughter is just an amazing tonic too.

I defo agree that how we think and what we believe can colour how we feel…
we can defo perpetuate our own misery and set our self unrealistic goals etc then feel bad when we fail. I think there are many ways we can allow ourselves to feel worse at bad times. I know Im guilty of this at times .

as for the 3 points listed in the RET info ,on a personal level I disagree with all 3 of those points

HUGS

#4

"How are our lives shifting from surviving to thriving?"

Long journey...it's a long journey from surviving day-to-day with Kleenex strewn from one end of the house to the other and a pocketful of Xanax. Even thinking about 'thriving' is an insult to the depth of pain we are feeling at the time. In fact, there were moments when I didn't want to survive just to prove to all those chipper-dipper-pollyannas that my suffering was beyond description. Admittedly, this was kinda screwy thinking but many of us are so stuck in overwhelming emotions, that being told to Think Rationally is putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. It's a very long journey from the head to the heart. Never demean the courage and strength it takes to FEEL what must be felt in order to HEAL.

It has taken me quite a few years to feel safe in my skin again. To trust people without suspecting they were lying or manipulating me for their own agendas. Little by little, my faith in a benevolent and meaningful world was restored as was my belief in myself as a worthy and good human being--despite some of my regretful behaviors trying to hold on to a man who refused to hold on to himself. We do a lot of crazy things when our perceptions of reality are shattered.

At this point, I'm not afraid of being rejected and have learned to reject those who are not good for my mental health or my spiritual welfare. I guess that might be part of thriving: discernment.

Another thing that has changed for me is my ability to tolerate uncertainty in the realization that none of us can control the terrible things that happen to very good people. We can't force someone to love us but must behave in ways that facilitate loving ourselves. That usually means becoming very familiar with our personal values, our principles, our understanding of what is important in life; and then, doing the arduous work of living up to our potential in order to become the person we hope to be.

For me, being able to forgive my husbaNd of so many years, was integral to releasing myself from destructive emotions stemming from unresolved pain. I put the intention to forgive uppermost in my mind and then allowed my heart to chart the course.

In my journey from surviving to thriving, educating myself about NPD freed me from obsessive self-blame and the miserable cycle of questioning 'why' a man could not love his wife and children enough to restrain his inner selfish bazturd and think outside the box of his own personality. The why-why-why process finally ended with this realization: If he could have loved us, he would have.

Serving others has been foundational to my healing and has restored 'meaning' in my life. Talking openly about mental disorders has liberated myself and family members from the shame of mental illness. It's a purpose that gets me out of bed in the morning, gratefully typing messages on keyboards encouraging people to keep learning, keep struggling to restore a sense of self-worth after experiencing the devastation of rejection, abuse and neglect. To remind people that any human being is subject to victimization, but we are not victims forever. We can and we do, rise above the terrible things that happen in our lives.

Hugs,

CZBZ

 

#5

Thanks  for your concern susiejo, didn't think you had it in you.

but it has been my experience that living with an N has lead to a lot

of grief and needless suffering. Wish I could have had Sams book

even 10 years ago, so much suffering could have been eliminated. It

 is about the need for education about personality disordered people

like this. Knowledge is power. I do hope that you and blitzen read

your info and took it in. It is never too late for self improvement. 

                                           hugs mamolie

#6

I JUST FIND IT SO FASCINATING THAT MANY OF US ARE ARTISTS…
On Nov 12, 2007, at 5:44 PM, lonelyplace wrote:

#7

Thriving? Its a heckuva lot better than surviving. I think when we go through the stages of grieving the relationship that was not meant to be in the first place, we go through the obsessing, the anger, finally the acceptance, we think we are through it all. But we aren’t. There are steps beyond acceptance. There is the stage of trying to figure out what WE did and why we did the things we did that we have to take care of. We need to start planning for the future that does NOT include a disordered person, no matter what the disorder may be. We have to fix our own inner selves.

I know that in the last few years, I have always commented “the guy sure does take a lot of energy.” People worry, obsess, go over motives over and over again, fearing that they will find another disordered one. They haven’t gotten to the stage of realizing that if someone takes that much energy and worry, he isn’t worth worrying over.

I tell people that “if he’s that high maintenance, he’s not worth the trouble.” or “If you have to bend over backwards, change things”, he’s not worth the trouble either. When we are so involved that we can’t walk away, we are stuck. If we are dependent in one of many ways, if we fear being alone so much that we will accept bad behavior just to keep someone around, we need to step back and look at our needs and our problems.

IMHO the situations where we HAD to have that person, and we HAD to accept certain behaviors, instead of walking away, we were ripe to be a target. Twice today I said, “if he’s that difficult to work with, let him walk away.” Once about a friend’s relationship, once about a real estate deal.

I’ve been away now for over 4 1/2 years. My life is good the way it is. It is not for me at this stage in recovery to date yet. I may, but I don’t know. My life is a “do over” and it is exactly the way I want it to be. (if only I were thinner, less lazy, oh well we all want to improve).

I told a friend today, “One year ago, you felt old, fat, useless, ugly and wrinkled. Today you are wearing make up, new haircut, getting a new car, dressing nice and dating. But a year ago, you would not believe that life was going to continue, you thought it was over. And it certainly is not over.”

wahela

#8

WAHELA NICELY PUT…

I STILL AM IN SHOCK THAT MY N BROTHER SOLD A HEIRLOOM FOR $50,000 AND
KEPT ALL THE MONEY (WHICH CAME FROM OUR HOUSE WE HAVE HAD TOGETHER
SINCE 1961). HE TOOK IT FROM MY FATHER’S CLOSET WHEN HE WAS DRUNK AND
MY FATHER ALLOWED HIM TO HAVE IT BECAUSE HE IS IS FAVORITE CHILD.
THERE WOULD BE NO WAY IN HELL I WOULD BE ABLE TO DO THIS. AND MY
WHOLE FAMILY LIED ABOUT IT TO ONLY ME…AND HE LIED TO MY FATHER
SAYING IT IT WAS FOR HIS UNBORN CHILD’S PRIVATE EDUCATION BECAUSE HE
REFUSES TO MOVE TO THE BURBS. AND MY FATHER REVEALED THE TRUTH SEVEN
MONTHS LATER BY SAYING THAT MY BROTHER’S CHILD WAS THE CUTEST AND MY
BROTHER HAD THE BEST TASTE AND THE GREATEST EYE. WHILE INFACT MY
BROTHER HAD GONE INTO DEBT BECAUSE HE BOUGHT A PROJECTOR SCREEN TV
THAT WENT INTO THE CEILING AND HE DID NOT HAVE MONEY FOR CABLE (ONLY
ART MOVIES COULD BE VIEWED ON IT) AND A MAHOGANY MURPHY BED( NOT OAK–
GOD FORBID ) THAT FIT NEATLY BEHIND THE SCREEN WHICH WENT INTO THE
CEILING WHEN HIS WIFE WAS EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT( HE ADMITTED TO ME
THAT THIS WAS THE REASON HE HAD SOLD THE EAGLE–LIKE THESE THINGS
WERE VITAL) AND NEVER HAD A CENT TO PAY FOR ANY OF IT AND ASSUMED
THAT HE COULD MANIPULATE MY FATHER INTO PAYING FOR IT ALL.

THEN WHEN I FOUND OUT ACCUSED ME OF ALWAYS PUTTING MYSELF IN THE
VICTIM ROLE AND I REALLY HAD TO GET OVER THE BAD STUFF THAT HAD
HAPPENED TO ME AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE LUCK, BUT I DON’T. TOO BAD MY
BUSINESS WENT UNDER BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET AND 9/11, BUT IT WAS MY
FAULT. EVEN THOUGH THEY ALL LIED TO ME FOR SEVEN MONTHS WHILE MY
MOTHER IN LAW WAS DYING OF CANCER AND NEVER EVEN SENT A NOTE OR A
FLOWER WHEN SHE DIED AND NEITHER DID THE WIVES. NO ACKNOWLEDGMENT
WHAT SO EVER. AND THEN HE MANIPULATED MY FATHER FOR MORE MONEY TO
GET ANOTHER HOUSE BECAUSE A NEIGHBOR WAS SMOKING POT AND HE HAD TO
PUT AIR PURIFIERS IN THE HALLWAY. AND SO THE MAHOGANY MURPHY BED WAS
A USELESS ITEM AFTERALL.

AND THEN TOOK A THREE WEEK VACATION IN OUR SUMMER HOUSE (WHICH IS TO
GO TO THE THREE CHILDREN NEXT YEAR FOR TAX PURPOSES SO THE EAGLE WAS
SOLD JUST IN TIME) WHICH HE HAD TAKEN THE EAGLE WITH 16 OF HIS
"FRIENDS" WHICH PROBABLY PAID FOR HIS FOOD. AND GAVE ME 1/3 OF THE
MONEY AND I FOUND OUT FROM THE INTERNET THE REAL PRICE OF THE SOLD
ANTIQUE, AND HE HAD STIFFED ME $5000.00. AND THEN SAID THAT THERE WAS
NO ROOM FOR MY CHILDREN TO GO BECAUSE OF HIS FRIENDS SO I NEVER
BOTHERED GOING THIS YEAR-- IF EVER AGAIN, I AM SO ANGRY…

AND TO “APPEASE” THE FAMILY, MY FATHER INSISTED ON FLYING US ALL TO
THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC FOR CHRISTMAS BECAUSE THEY HATE TRADITION AND
GIFT GIVING, BUT GOLF IS MUCH MORE ACCEPTABLE. AND I REFUSED TO GO
AND NOW THEY THINK I AM UNSTABLE AND HAVE MENTAL PROBLEMS AND I AM
DENYING MY FAMILY CONSIDERATION BECAUSE MY FATHER IS GETTING OLD.
On Nov 12, 2007, at 3:45 PM, wahela wrote:

#9

Hiya Lonelyplace!!

Your post was so nice to read. Its very easy to imagine the excitement and joy of a grandma painting a grandbaby’s bedroom. Thats just sweeter than mangoes!!

Painting, dont you find, also has the magic ability to not only stop time in its tracks, but shut out all the noise and mess of the outside world. For me anyway, its my most favourite form of meditation. If theres a God, thats when a thread is linking the two of us together.

I love magic in all its forms, especially the kind flowing between loved ones.

…sweeter than mangoes…

#10

(I've got things to say in response to everyone who's responded to this thread that i dont want to lump them together so forgive me...)

CZ,

I never feel very gifted when I write, words are my second language but this is not the first time I've read your posts and marveled at how beautifully you capture the experience as its been for me so far. Just a few things that stuck out for me:

 In fact, there were moments when I didn't want to survive ...my suffering was beyond description. ... many of us are so stuck in overwhelming emotions, that being told to Think Rationally is putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. ... Never demean the courage and strength it takes to FEEL what must be felt in order to HEAL.

I can remember as though it were yesterday the horrible deep empty blackness that seemed to fill every cell...for MONTHS.  It was too dark most days to even cry about.  Too horrible to be distracted from.  Often, too overwhelming to tolerate.  If it werent for loving my son and putting his needs consistently ahead of my own, I suspect there were moments I wouldnt have chosen to "hold on just one more hour, just one more day".  I had to keep telling myself "I can withstand ANYTHING for one day for my son" and I did, again and again until I had a string of 100 days that I had whiteknuckled it.

I had a friend who flippantly suggested I lacked selfesteem if I considered such a choice , which floored me -- I liked myself more than anyone I knew at that point -- that wasnt the problem.  But its clear to me now that unless you experience it, its impossible to fathom that there are times in people's lives, that feelings can be intolerable.

 part of thriving: discernment

yes, yes, yes, yes!!!  I like to think I have lots of faith and energy to be generous with, because I dont feel like a distrusting or snobby person, but the truth is, at this point anyway, theres only so much to go around.  I pick and choose carefully.  It seems these days I have a low tolerance for bullshit, I dont want a mess, I just want faith and generousity and energy in mutuality with my friends, family and associates.  And letting go of people who seem to require too much tapdancing or backbending or brainwork dont mesh well...and right now I need people who will mesh well (except of course for work where I get paid handsomely for exerting care and thought).

 my ability to tolerate uncertainty

UNcertainty is what I demand right now.  I told someone else in private chat I'm not reliable right now, I'm forgetful, have a hard time concentrating, have times or even days where my emotions seem to run amok of their own accord.  I find it dificult to be disciplined, steadfast or predictable.  I put energy into being normal, and theres only so much of it to be had on any given day, and I save most of it for my job.  What I'm finding is people around me find that hard to tolerate about me and I have a lot of empathy and understanding of that.  I had to let go of a man who fell in love with me a few months ago because he needed more stability from me and I just dont have it to give right now.  That doesnt feel good to have to do, but it seems thats the stage I'm in right now.

becoming very familiar with our personal values, our principles, our understanding of what is important in life; and then, doing the arduous work of living up to our potential in order to become the person we hope to be.

 Thats precisely where i am right now.

In difficult and confusing situations that the last 7 years of my life were filled with I OFTEN asked myself "what would a loving person do in this situation?"  That seemed like an excellent divining rod at the time.

I've now come to realize that love isnt enough, in fact its only part of the picture, because a person has to be smart, with foresight, with priorities and values and principles deeply entrenched and a willingness to choose whats difficult, not whats loving or self-sacrificing or romantic.

 

And the work, as times goes by gets easier...not easy...and feels more healthy and self-loving than neurotically "driven".

 

 

wow...so many important points

 you blew me and my bottled red hair out of the water !!! :D

 

#11

Heya back phoenix…yes painting is just wonderful…I had lovely songs on and just went into my own world as I painted for her ! she sure is sweeter than mangos…what a great saying !

I also enjoy pencil drawing but do it so rarely…maybe its something I should try to do more often !

HUGS

#12

There is the stage of trying to figure out what WE did and why we did the things we did that we have to take care of.

Indeed, internal house cleaning is a must that I've always known would be necessary.  I actually tried to do this too early.  In the relationship I was always battling between being frustrated knowing something was terribly wrong with him, and  feeling like everything was my fault -- if I just changed, if I just didnt have such high expectations, if I just learned how to be the kind of partner he needed, if I could just find a more diplomatic way of getting my needs addressed etc etc etc. 

When it was over, I went through the stage of blaming myself for it having gotten too impossible to save, too difficult to try, too unhappy to nurture.  Thank gawd for a therapist who kept telling me over and over "I'm not saying you didnt have behaviours that frustrated and bothered him , but youre not the one who did anything wrong...YOU WERENT the one who did anything wrong....you were adapting and adapting to the things HE did".

 Now, 14 months postN I can see that was necessary to accept THEN, otherwise the grieving process would have gotten all screwed up and I would have been at risk of returning to the insanity.  I had to get a grip on reality first right?  Because 7 years of being emotionally pretzeled requires some undoing first.

But as I take a step back and look at my present romantic relationship, that I actually keep from being too romantic, I realize its because I havent gotten through the stage yet of internal house cleaning, and nobody deserves a committed partner who hasnt done her own work yet.

 I wouldnt want who I am right now, for a partner...and I dont want someone who's dragging a 300 lb weight behind him either.

Thank gawd I know, theres no big rush :)  Theres so much to do...and SO MUCH time :D

In due time right?  all in due time.

 

thanks, another insightful and thought provoking post.

 

#13

"I told a friend today, “One year ago, you felt old, fat, useless, ugly and wrinkled. Today you are wearing make up, new haircut, getting a new car, dressing nice and dating. But a year ago, you would not believe that life was going to continue, you thought it was over. And it certainly is not over.”

LOL…I am the one she said this to today.
A year ago I was well past the abuser, but on the coat tail of that came many family illness’s, along with my own. Financial problems, etc…

I was exhausted, and damn sure looked and felt it, too.

What can I say, I actually love men. Never been a mmahater, tho I could hate a few abusers…lol…but not for long.

The difference in surviving and thriving is a huge step!
It gives you breath again. Breath you most likely thought you would never feel again.

Funny, I was going to start a thread on just this, on our board today, and was wondering what I wanted to say, and here y’all are talking about it…lol

For me, thriving is the difference in living and LIVING GRAND. Having a joy for life once more. And it’s great.

Sand

#14

“Thanks for your concern susiejo, didn’t think you had it in you.”

Your welcome Mamolie. I understand how we all at times fail to think, and at other times, the lid gets stuck on that box and we have trouble seeing beyond it.

“is about the need for education about personality disordered people”

Nobel gesture but it helps to educate one’s self first so not to misinform or mislead others, and cause more harm. The most respected and most commonly used therapy for PDs and their families is cognitive behavioral. Possibly you missed this in your readings of Sam. I thought he would have provided links in response to this by now but I’m sure he would be happy to since you find his writings so valuable.

A bit more of Albert Ellis, the grandfather of the field for those not crazy about Sam’s writings. Next would be Arron Beck, the father, if I decide it is worth my time.

Recommended reading:

For the victims: #4, #7, #12

For abusers, psychopaths, vampires: #2, #4

For saviors: #2, #3, #4, #5, #7, #9, #10, #12

http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/ellis.html

There are twelve examples of irrational beliefs that Ellis often mentions…
12 Irrational Ideas That Cause and Sustain Neurosis

  1. The idea that it is a dire necessity for adults to be loved by significant others for almost everything they do – instead of their concentrating on their own self-respect, on winning approval for practical purposes, and on loving rather than on being loved.

  2. The idea that certain acts are awful or wicked, and that people who perform such acts should be severely damned – instead of the idea that certain acts are self-defeating or antisocial, and that people who perform such acts are behaving stupidly, ignorantly, or neurotically, and would be better helped to change. People’s poor behaviors do not make them rotten individuals.

  3. The idea that it is horrible when things are not the way we like them to be – instead of the idea that it is too bad, that we would better try to change or control bad conditions so that they become more satisfactory, and, if that is not possible, we had better temporarily accept and gracefully lump their existence.

  4. The idea that human misery is invariably externally caused and is forced on us by outside people and events – instead of the idea that neurosis is largely caused by the view that we take of unfortunate conditions.

  5. The idea that if something is or may be dangerous or fearsome we should be terribly upset and endlessly obsess about it – instead of the idea that one would better frankly face it and render it non-dangerous and, when that is not possible, accept the inevitable.

  6. The idea that it is easier to avoid than to face life difficulties and self-responsibilities – instead of the idea that the so-called easy way is usually much harder in the long run.

  7. The idea that we absolutely need something other or stronger or greater than ourself on which to rely – instead of the idea that it is better to take the risks of thinking and acting less dependently.

  8. The idea that we should be thoroughly competent, intelligent, and achieving in all possible respects – instead of the idea that we would better do rather than always need to do well and accept ourself as a quite imperfect creature, who has general human limitations and specific fallibilities.

  9. The idea that because something once strongly affected our life, it should indefinitely affect it – instead of the idea that we can learn from our past experiences but not be overly-attached to or prejudiced by them.

  10. The idea that we must have certain and perfect control over things – instead of the idea that the world is full of probability and chance and that we can still enjoy life despite this.

  11. The idea that human happiness can be achieved by inertia and inaction – instead of the idea that we tend to be happiest when we are vitally absorbed in creative pursuits, or when we are devoting ourselves to people or projects outside ourselves.

  12. The idea that we have virtually no control over our emotions and that we cannot help feeling disturbed about things – instead of the idea that we have real control over our destructive emotions if we choose to work at changing the musturbatory hypotheses which we often employ to create them.

(From The Essence of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, by Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Revised, May 1994.)

#15

thriving is the difference in living and LIVING GRAND. Having a joy for life once more. And it's great.

 

Oh Sandahl,

perfectly said :)

 

I hope you keep coming back and contributing.

#16

BUP Baby!

and thak gawd we are artists I say! If it hadnt been for my creative pursuits in the last 14 months I’ve surely turned to something less healthy.

Oh I wish I could remember that quote properly, something like “art is the only way to runaway without leaving home”. So true for me, it gave me relief from the pain and the grief for large chunks of time, in a way that kept me grounded and at least in photographing models, to be in contact with other human beans.

Art is magic medicine, for sure.

#17

I totally and utterly agree Pheonix… It is just so interesting
why it is the REACTION of people with NPD. I need to write a thesis
about this before I die…DEFLOWERMENT and I don’t mean that
sexually, but how your flower is chopped at the stem from the twisted
abuse.

In my reaction to the discovery of NPD, I wrote this poem which won
a silver medal in an amateur poetry contest, won a haiku contest, got
a line of stationary made of my art work, and got an illustration
job…All within a 5 month period. Anger drives passion.

This poem was about my first boyfriend…who either had
asperger’s or NPD. I
will never know because he enters and exits my life with out saying
hello or goodbye or make any connection of why he still wants to be a
part of my life.( stalker?) He treated me terribly sometimes, but
intuitively I know that he still loves me just by one glance. But he
would never consider admitting it because he is incapable of reality
and coming to grips with real feelings. He always wanted to be in
control of his own destiny. He will always be my enigma.

We did meet in a garage behind a cafe we both chose to work for that
summer. I met him amongst boxes and the smell of old gas one week
after our 18th birthday. We were born the exact same time. I fell in
love instantly. Chances of this are slim. It was an experience that
I will never forget. I made the parallel between how ants roam. I
always think WHY did I choose that job? Why was he there THAT summer?
Why did we even have the conversation within the first 5 minutes of
work? Chills…

Gemini Twin

We met in a broken-down garage.
Our first sighting, amongst boxes and the smell of old gas.
We were born the same year, same day, same minute.
Your blue eyes lassoed my soul, Gemini twin.

We were inseparable that summer, uncanny we met.
Crawling into a narrow crevice together.
Stuck in the syrup of coincidence and fate.
Our bug eyes staring, ever staring at our own reflection.

College arrived and we said our goodbyes by dancing for a week.
We knew we would return to that garage of wonderment.
And we did, over and over again for four years.
Smelling the same odor each time, such an empowering aroma.
We danced and stared, spun and stared, laughed and stared.
Feeling high from the fumes.

In the end, you had to move from our garage.
Your new ant hill was far away, deported from our crevice.
I was stuck in the goo, waiting to dance again.
Trying to smell the fumes.
But they had evaporated. Poof.

On Nov 12, 2007, at 7:09 PM, thephoenix101 wrote:

#18

 I wrote this poem which won a silver medal in an amateur poetry contest, won a haiku contest, got a line of stationary made of my art work, and got an illustration job.....All within a 5 month period

 holy crow woman!  the stuff just flew out your fingertips, didnt it!!!

 

Stuck in the syrup of coincidence and fate.

 

(sigh -- I just love that line)

thanks so much for sharing it with us