Thanks everyone for all your kind words! I apologize if I came off a little defensive in my previous posts. It’s just that nobody REALLY knows what I’ve been through the past few years. And I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW that part of this was my own bed to make that I’m now lying in.
First, let me comment on the issue of when I told her about my sexual issues. As I said at the beginning of my story, I KNEW that there would be details that others wouldn’t understand or be able to relate to. Having been an Evangelical Christian, I believed homosexuality was a perversion and was something God could “heal.” There is actually a vast network of ministries that are dedicated to helping people who are living a gay lifestyle, to realize that God didn’t create anyone to be gay and that through therapy, Christian fellowship, etc. they can “Come Out Straight.” There are also several success stories of men (and women), who have done so and are now happily living heterosexual lives with their opposite-sex spouses and children. — This is the primary reason I was seeing a Christian therapist in the first place. It was HE who encouraged me to date a woman. His approach was “just do it” and the feelings would follow. (I actually have to admit, I DID enjoy courting Sara and giving her big surprises! I even proposed to her in the middle of Times Square, after she pulled up in a big, black limosine that had just taken her on pre-planned scavenger hunt around mid-town Manhatten picking up a dozen roses! I held the last rose as I stood in my tuxedo waiting for the limo. She stepped out, I knealed down to the ground on knee, she read the note on the stem that asked her if she would marry me. When she said “yes,” I opened my hand to reveal a 1.3 carat diamond engagement ring. – It was perfect! – anyway, I digress.
So, yes, we did “meet” on eHarmony, dated off and on for a couple months (she was also dating someone else). When I asked if we could date exclusively, I only waited a couple weeks before telling her the truth about what I was dealing with. Since I was absolutely committed at the time to change my orientation, (and, since I didn’t think it would be so difficult), I didn’t think it would be an obvious “deal-breaker” for her. But, to be fair, I KNEW I had to tell her and that it was going to be really tough for both of us. I did give her that initial “out,” but she (like me) was very naive and I don’t fault her for her agreeing to continue dating from that point on. However, over the next several months, we started going to same therapist together. She picked up different books as well – all before we were even ever engaged! I think she should have caught on about what a rough road it was going to be after so many times of my being very uncomfortable about “being physical” with her. (She ALWAYS wanted to make out – something I hated doing but forced myself to do.)
I realize now, though, that while this (and even the drinking), were things she didn’t like, she was able to overlook them because she wanted someone who made HER look good. I bought her a gigantic ring, drove a BMW, was highly educated, had leadership responsibilities in our church, was pretty good-looking, had good taste, and (of course) made good money! (This is how she would have described me back then, btw! I’m a little more modest than that!)
This is one of the reasons why I believe she is more of a narcissist rather than a borderline. I’ve studied both maladies quite a bit, and she seems to fit the criteria of a narcissist almost to a tee! Whereas borderlines tend to have more impulsive behavior and have marked low self-esteems, Sara is ALL about herself. She’s not just very organized, she’s calculating! (She wants the perfect life and has to have control over every detail to make sure her plan plays out. I was simply a piece of that puzzle – to which I think I subconsciously rebelled against.)
Plus, it wasn’t until I inadvertantly embarrassed her in front of several of her co-workers during a company paid-for vacation earlier this year, that prompted her to start planning to move out.
The slightest thing (like a misunderstood comment) would set her off, and, out of the blue, rage would spew forth. I was ALWAYS on the defensive and NOTHING was EVER her fault! Things ONLY got “better” between us, once I admitted my mistakes and apologized profusely. But, whenever she said or did something that upset me, if I were ever to try and talk to her about it, she’d accuse me of being “too sensitive” and that “I needed to grow a backbone”
Also, I don’t think I’m the first guy she’s treated this way. She had been previously engaged and it was her fiance who suddenly called everything off, only 2 months before the wedding. She wouldn’t get into a whole lot of detail, but when I asked her why, his reasons sounded a lot like my own issues with the relationship.
In any event, IF she really is narcissistic, then, it’s PRECISELY for my son’s sake that I’m very concerned! When the custody evaluator asked me what I was afraid of by letting her have sole custody, I said without even thinking, “I’m afraid she’s not going to love him.” Since he’s only still a baby/toddler, he’s a lot easier to control than I was. But, what is she going to do if he starts having trouble at school? What if he’s not good at sports, or doesn’t get good grades, or gets into a lot of trouble there? What if the other kids pick on him because he’s shorter than the rest of the boys (like I was – he’s currently only in the 25 percentile in height for his age and Sara has already talked about giving him growth hormones).
If her reaction to him was anything like her treatment of me, I’m really very scared for the little guy. But, I just don’t know how to prove or convince anyone that my concerns are legitimate.
Anyway, I’ve dragged on too much here. Thanks again everyone for your insights! This has already been very helpful!
- Steven