I just joined this group because I have been suspecting that my wife (who is now divorcing me), has NPD. But, I’m just not sure and I don’t know if her behavior has been normal or not. In any event, one or the other of us has some serious psychological issues. After having been married to her for a couple years, I began abusing alcohol on a regular basis and was afraid to come home, where I always felt like I was walking on egg shells or that the slightest, most innocent comment I might make would trigger Mt. Vesuvious.
I wrote and submitted the following story, which is intensely personal, embarrassing, and, probably not easily understood by those who read it. I apologize for the length, but, I just like to know, if the accounts I’m relaying are true, whether I’m on the right track in suspecting that she is narcissistic. And, if I’m right, what do I need to do, especially since we have such an adorable little boy between us!
Thanks!
- Steven
A Match Made in Hell: An eHarmony Horror Story
By Steven B.
On May 17th, 2007, 4 days after Mother’s Day, my wife abandoned me and took away from the only thing that really matters to me, our 10-month-old son, Austin. She had secretly arranged with a youth pastor from our church to have a moving truck, along with several kids from that youth group, move nearly all of our possessions out of our house - - - She waited until I had left for work. At 6:00pm, she left me a voice message indicating that she had moved out, but that “she still loved me.â€Â
I was utterly devastated. I came back to a shell of a home. The extent of items taken out of our house was so extensive, to the point of cruelty. She took the best of everything that was in the house and only left items that were too difficult to move. Austin’s room was stripped totally bare; (even the wooden letters that spelled out his name which I painted and nailed to his wall were taken.) This “shock and awe†treatment was typical of Sara – but, it was also totally unnecessary. If she had only told me that she really did need some time apart, I would have done what I could to accommodate. We are now embroiled in a vicious divorce and custody battle. The custody evaluators were totally won over by Sara; I owe my attorneys over $20,000 and, now, I might lose my house because I can’t afford to pay both my child support obligations (about $1100/month for a 17-month-old toddler) AND the mortgage. (She moved into one of our rental homes that we were trying to sell, thus, eliminating a source of income. Also, she continues to work only on a part-time basis when she could easily go back to work full-time -she’s sales representative for a major pharmaceutical company).
Although Sara would start this saga much later, doing so results in a huge loss of context. Yes, it’s true I became a drunk. Yes, it’s true I would go out occasionally to night clubs, come home drunk, and sometimes even lie to her. Yes, it’s true I did a few things I was later very ashamed of (mostly done while under the influence, however.) Yes, it’s true, even up until she abandoned me and took my son away from me, I frequently treated her very poorly and contemptuously. For these reasons, I do deserve punishment.
For most of my life, I have struggled with an inferiority complex resulting in feelings of worthlessness and incompetence. Additionally, I have also had significant gender identity issues, meaning, I never really felt adequately qualified to distinguish myself as a “man†since I was not allowed (nor really desired) to participate in sports growing up, (I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness. Children in this religion are frowned upon and discouraged from being active in extra-curricular activities such as sports.) I was also much shorter than the rest of my male peers. So, having never really reached a solid level of emotional maturity, stability, and security I entered adulthood with a lot of conflicting emotions and did not have a “typical†high school and college experience. I had a huge inferiority complex, was extremely insecure, and was an absolute nerd. I never had a girlfriend; never “partied†or tried drugs of any kind;
As I watched all my friends date and get married, I really longed for that myself. I really, really, really wanted to just be normal! I had held off seriously dating anyone most of my life until I was in my mid-30’s, having earned two bachelors degrees and a master’s degree, as well as having established myself as a highly-paid IT professional in the healthcare industry. Also, I had attained some fairly significant positions of authority in the different churches I have belonged to over the years. By the time I reached 33, I felt it was really time to do something about my desire to get married and start a family.
Obviously, with the internal conflicts I was struggling with, I knew I had a very large uphill battle in front of me and so decided to get some psychological help from a local Christian therapist. (I had actually started seeing him in 2001; at least a year before ever meeting Sara.)
At first, I really liked and appreciated his approach, which was basically, “just do it.†In other words, if you know the right thing to do, despite whatever feelings or hesitancies may exist, just do it. So, instead of helping me talk through much of the pain of feeling rejected as a man that I’d grown up with, Hal always insisted that I just focus on my behavior and allow the feelings to follow.
So, even though I never felt ready to do something I should do, Hal would encourage me to do it anyway. This included dating. Trusting his word, I decided to sign up for what appeared to be a “Christian†dating service that focused on matching people together themselves, instead of allowing them to just search for their potential mates on their own. Since the premise of this service was to hook people up for the purpose of establishing a “romantic†relationship, I knew I wouldn’t have to deal with the awkwardness of having to express interest toward a particular woman. (Something I was never able to do. I should also mention, that I think it’s a mistake to say that people who are more inclined physically and emotionally toward the same sex than the opposite, can never have or develop hetero-sexual inclinations and attractions. In fact, there had been a few women prior to Sara that I would say were mildly attractive to me. )
In any event, after four months of using this online service, I was finally matched up with Sara Schwarz. This was the beginning of September 2002. We exchanged emails for a while and eventually met on September 29, 2002 at Caribou Coffee in Apple Valley. We sat and talked for hours. I was nervous and eager to impress. However, I felt I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. She was a beautiful, successful young blond, with a very good job, an outgoing personality, and even owned her own house, and while I was just as successful and ambitious as her, I knew I was just a nerdy, insecure IT guy — on top of that, I had a really dirty little secret I knew would have to get enough courage up and tell her; it would probably even be a deal-breaker if I ever got around to telling her. Nevertheless, she accepted a few more date offers that I made and it seemed as though we had the beginning of a real dating relationship — something that was totally foreign to me since I’d had absolutely no experience with.
For the next two months, I continued to ask her out and take her to different and fun places. I read books on how to understand and date women and I continuously called an old roommate and best friend of mine, who was always very savvy with women to get advice from. Additionally, Hal, my Christian counselor was ecstatic, and my family seemed finally relieved.
But, while I fell in love with Sara externally, I don’t know that I ever quite felt an internal, heart-to-heart connection. And I think the same was true for her as well. There were very many qualities about Sara that I loved, and I think there were many things about me that she loved. Yet, I don’t think that’s enough to base an intimate relationship on. They say you should “marry your best friend,†which is exactly what I was hoping and expecting for. But, Sara was never my best friend and I know I was never hers. We had each always had other people to whom we felt closer.
Additionally, because of my above-mentioned issues, although I knew she was objectively very attractive, I was honestly not personally attracted to her physically (or any woman, for that matter). (My admission of this fact is extremely embarrassing and although is not something I chose, is still very troubling and that I’m very shameful of.) The thought of having any type of physical relationship with Sara was always extremely awkward and uncomfortable for me to handle. I knew that eventually that would be coming and I was taking things extremely slowly. I assumed that if Sara was someone who truly cared for me, such issues wouldn’t just be my issues that I had to get fixed on my own, but that she would be able to be sympathetic, caring, patient and able to make me feel safe enough to talk about “my stuff.†I thought it was just in the genetic make-up of all women to have a big heart and to be able to provide a “comfort zone,†isolated from the rest of the “big, bad cruel world†that I could find solace in every day. So, in answer to the question that I frequently get asked, “Why did you start this relationship when there were all these problems going into it?â€Â, I would say, I got some really bad advice from those around me: (e.g. my therapist, my family, my friends, etc.)
On or about December 4, 2002, I took Sara out to Macaroni Grill in Burnsville for dinner. (NOTE! By this time, after having had several dates with Sara, I did not have any sort of a drinking problem whatsoever. Neither Sara, nor any of my friends, nor members of the church small group that I was leading saw any evidence of such a thing! Several people with whom I’ve since lost contact with, would be totally shocked to discover that I got in the kind of trouble I did last year.) At dinner, I read Sara a note that I had written to her. I had basically decided that it was time to take this budding relationship to the next level and to let her know that I wanted to enter into an official dating relationship with her. I used a quote from the movie As Good as it Gets that was said by Jack Nicholson’s character to Helen Hunt’s character. The former, plagued by his own imperfections as a misfit in a relatively normal world, conceded to her and said, “You make me want to be a better man.†While I knew that wasn’t very original, it was exactly how I felt toward Sara at that time and I was very worried about losing her. She seemed to have everything all together and going for her, and I was constantly complaining that I didn’t feel good enough for her. (I’m sure I was not giving myself enough credit, considering the numerous achievements I had under my own belt.)
(NOTE: I suppose looking back, I could still the same thing, she makes me want to be a better man. But whereas back then, it was for her sake, now it’s in spite of her.)
She hardly said anything, and I thought it extremely curious. We ended up going out to the car and the very first snow of the season began covering my windshield. We talked some more, and although she accepted my offer, she revealed something to me that, up until that point, I was totally unaware of. She told me that she’d have to break things off with some other guy (Matt) that she was also seeing! Somewhat confused, it took me a while to figure out what she was saying. All this time, I had assumed, and was led to believe, that neither of us was “playing the field†and that we were each exploring THIS potential relationship together. [See journal entry for November 18, 2002]
We continued to see each other and became more and more serious. However, because of my lack of physical attraction to her, I was terrified of having to have a physical relationship with her. I remember wanting to want those types of feelings for her and was desperate. I was so jealous of other, “normal†guys whom I considered “walking hormones†and just found beautiful women irresistible. In many of journal entries during this time, I see myself trying to talk myself into it, to try and convince myself that I was straight and a “real man†and that Sara was a lady who deserved to be treated as such. — The psychological and emotional turmoil was extremely difficult. I prayed over and over and over to God to help me.
On Saturday, December 28, 2002, I decided that, in order for me to be fair to Sara, as incredibly difficult, painful, and shameful that it would be for me to do, I realized I needed to be honest with her regarding my problem. We went to dinner at Old Chicago in Apple Valley. I was utterly terrified and totally nervous. It took me forever to finally get the words out, “I’m not naturally attracted to women.†[Up until that point, I had simply explained to her that I was very inexperienced with dating. I had now just added another, nearly impossible obstacle.] — She didn’t seem to take the news too well, but didn’t exactly storm out either. (I guess, I was hoping for more of a compassionate response, however. She saw how difficult this was for me, and I explained that I saw my situation as a perversion of God’s intention and that I was in counseling to try and get through it.) We later went back to my house where her car was waiting, and sat and talked a bit more on the couch. Most ironically, she just outright told me that, “She really wanted to kiss me.†I couldn’t believe my ears. Hadn’t she just heard what I said? I didn’t understand how she could all of a sudden heap even more pressure on me by telling me that and then expecting me to follow through? I had no idea how to kiss a woman (or anyone, for that matter). But, that didn’t seem to matter. I agonized over half-an-hour over the idea of it, only because I was so scared of not doing it right and making a fool of myself. I finally gave it a try and I guess it wasn’t so bad. (I then felt like a fool for making such a big deal out of it!)
In any event, for the most part, our relationship progressed and I continued in private agony and despair over the pitiful fact that I struggled over something that most men have absolutely no trouble with. Sara, even according to my therapist who soon became our mutual counselor, had an unusually strong need for physical intimacy than most women. The total opposite was the case for me. Her incessant insistence on physical affection super-ceded any type of emotional intimacy; something I found myself repeatedly having to explain to her. Nevertheless, her demands for physical intimacy (even inappropriate) never subsided and she began criticizing me for not really caring for her. Over time, I felt utterly inadequate and unqualified to be her boyfriend or mate. As much as I tried to explain this to her, I always felt as though it was falling on deaf ears and an insensitive heart. (While Sara was always patient and polite while listening to me share difficult things with her, I always sensed that she was uncomfortable with it and was eager to change the subject. She never had any idea on how to comfort or console me when I was upset. Instead, I always just felt really stupid for opening up to her.)
When I would try to explain all of this to my counselor, Hal, he would suggest that I needed to just do the best I could at loving her and that eventually she would be more receptive and compassionate toward me. Additionally, he kept encouraging, even pushing me to be as physically intimate with Sara as she wanted me to be. (Sara wanted to “make out†virtually every time we got together. She knew how extremely difficult this was for me, and even though I was trying very hard, it never became easier. I just never made the connection in my mind that she apparently did in hers’ that this meant I didn’t love her that much. The reality was, I literally thought of her more as a sister than as a lover. However, I was forbidden by my own compassion toward her to not expose her too much to this harsh reality, even though she had basic knowledge of my issues. Nevertheless, and point blank, I just never desired her physically!! Do I feel horrible about that? Of course! Would I have handled things much differently if I could? Of course!
I need to say, that, I do not fault Sara whatsoever for her particular unmet needs. I, do, however, think she could have, and really should have, tried to understand and care about my needs just as much and to seek ways to fulfill them. Primarily, I just needed a friend and a soul-mate; not someone who felt threatened and jealous because of whatever other previous friendships I had. During this time, I was just getting over what was and what she correctly identified as, a “co-dependent†relationship with a roommate/friend of mine. I agree that I had had, an unhealthy friendship with this person. However, he was and is very straight, and he and I were strictly “platonic.†Nevertheless, I was constantly looking out for him, defending him, and even providing for him when necessary.
I had hoped that instead of condemning, criticizing, and shaming me for keeping this guy as a friend, that she would provide a compassionate and concerned ear, as any friend would have, that wouldn’t take it personally, but would be thankful for my trusting her enough to open up to her. Unfortunately, she didn’t. Whenever he came up in conversation, (usually because of some kind of trouble he was in) she acted extremely offended and judgmental. Instead of responding sensitively to my feelings (because he was a good friend and someone I cared much about, too), she only ridiculed me for having such an unhealthy relationship. (In fact, I remember now one of her verbal assaults against me was that I had “nothing but a dysfunctional family and fucked up friends.â€Â)
I know and understand completely the pain and rejection she must have felt. And, perhaps I could have done a better job of explaining to her that I was wanting to choose her over him. The fact that I had this residual emotional attachment to him was just that, a fact. And, it was very personal to me, and since I was trying to invite her into my private world, both good and bad, I felt it was important that we be able to discuss issues like this, even though they might be emotionally threatening. Eventually, however, it became a taboo topic and most interactions I had with my friend, I had to keep protected from her, since she would always, only assume the worst (another common theme).
Several reasons were at play to explain why I wanted to maintain this relationship with Sara. Primarily, I was banking on hope and my belief that “love is a choice, not a feeling.†I sought advice from so many people and really wanted this relationship to work. But, this extremely significant factor was missing. Also, Sara just seemed so perfect in so many other ways. Her family loved me and my family loved her. We both thought that was a huge factor. Additionally, we both seemed to get along very well with each other’s friends. (In fact, because we both loved to travel, I dragged her all over the country to meet a lot of my different friends. I was eager to get a sense of their opinions of her.)
As time went on, however, there were some definite and significant disparities between us which were becoming more and more apparent. Other than traveling and socializing with friends, we never really shared the same interests or hobbies. Over time, this became a huge disappointment for me and contributed significantly to my depression.
Some significant changes occurred during a vacation to Florida that Sara and I took in April of 2003. It was during this trip that I first wrote anything negative about Sara in my journal and revealed for the first time that I was feeling somewhat controlled:
“Thursday, April 3, 2003
9:38am – I am sitting at a nice hotel in Key West, Florida, the southern-most point of the continental U.S. Sara and I drove down here yesterday – it took quite a while longer than I thought.
The weather hasn’t been as nice as I expected, but the scenery is fantastic. I’ve been spending so much money. For the first time during the trip, Sara started getting on my nerves – well, not really, but I felt a sharp disconnect – Jonathan called me to get some info as we were pulling into the hotel – and I was in a pretty good mood and happy with her and she just railed into me making all these slams against Jonathan saying she feels like he’s on this vacation with us and that he’s so co-dependent. It really caught me off guard and I pretty much let it roll off. But, it cut pretty deep and I’m pretty upset and angry about it. I’ve talked to him twice while we’ve been here; and I’m sure she’s jealous of my friendship with him. For the first time in a long time, I feel Jon and I are finally having a healthy relationship, and, that is just as important to me right now as my relationship with her. All that little outburst served was to further alienate me from her. — Man, I know that if I let her, she would easily control my life.â€Â
The next day after this, I commented in my journal that I felt I had reached a new pinnacle in our relationship. Since Sara always seemed starved for physical affection, and since I continued to have such an annoying hang-up over it, I took advantage of the fact that that night, I had had too much too drink at dinner. This being the case, I realized how much easier it was to “make out†with Sara and she absolutely loved it!!
Needless to say, our relationship continued to progress in this manner. When once I made the comment, sometime shortly thereafter, while we were at my house watching a movie and drinking a rum and coke (again, in order to overcome my natural inhibitions), that “I can’t believe how much easier it is to make out with you after having a few drinks!†she so light-heartedly quipped, “I know! Drink up!†(Four devastating little words that I would often repeat to myself in order to do whatever it would take to be able to prove my love to her — and yet, would ultimately result in the devastation of our marriage, our family, and our dreams.)
And “drink up!†I did! … again, and again, and again, and again. It got to the point where she made sure there was alcohol in her house (beer or wine) whenever I would drop by. (At one point, I remember we were driving back to her place late one night in separate cars. I was following her. She frantically stopped into a gas station on France Avenue (since the liquor stores were already closed), to pick up a six pack of 3.2% Heineken and I just remember shaking my head and feeling a bit conflicted and guilty.
When I mentioned this new level of achievement to my counselor, Hal, he, of course, was very happy for me and us. I’m sure I downplayed the role the alcohol played to him, but I did let him know what I was using it for. (I should mention, I never had a history of abusing alcohol prior to my relationship with Sara. I also want to make it perfectly clear that I am not blaming her for it; however, this was a clear case of enabling.) Since I came to believe that God wanted me to please Sara, and that He also wanted me to overcome some of my issues, it was relatively easy to justify this behavior. However, we did, eventually, let the “physical intimacy†go too far on many occasions. [More than once, I allowed myself to get into such a drunken stupor and ended up being naked on her bed!] Sara and I disagree on this point, but I do not believe we were “virgins†when we finally got married. (I remember telling her during a sober moment, how uncomfortable I was, and felt that we should be saving some of this activity for marriage. She just whisked it off and tried to console me by saying, “Oh come on! Everyone fools around!†— I couldn’t believe I’d heard her just say that. She was wearing a “purity ring†that her parents had given her to remind her to stay celibate until she got married. I remember thinking, how hypocritical it was and couldn’t understand how she could be engaging in some of the shameful actions we were doing together (not to mention how experienced at it she was!), while at the same time, wearing that ring? It just didn’t make sense.
I was also confused as to how it was she seemed so experienced at “sex play.†It seemed like she knew what to do and what to expect . . . with a man, that is. Feeling somewhat disgusted, but asking very nicely, I once asked her, “how far did you ever get with your previous boyfriends?†She immediately said, “I don’t think it’s a good idea to discuss past relationships.†— I guess this should have been a huge red flag for me . . . but I let it slide.
I began feeling more and more uncomfortable and feeling coerced to “perform†for Sara. Instead of being sensitive and sympathetic to my particular issues, she began taking my lack of physical interest in her personally and ridiculing me. After we had “taken a break†from the relationship back in June 2003, she soon started talking about “wanting to know where this relationship was going?†As if I had had any experience whatsoever about dating relationships, I was definitely caught off guard. We hardly even knew each other, and I certainly hadn’t attained a level of trust and devotion toward her, yet. It was always my thought that a couple needs to reach a certain level of friendship before getting married, and that by the time you do, you’re actually marrying your best friend. Well, that’s not apparently how Sara saw things. She began threatening to leave the relationship if things didn’t move along.
So, I began to plan the most elaborate wedding proposal I could think of. On October 23, 2003, in the middle of Time Square in New York City, I got down on one knee and proposed to Sara holding the last of a dozen roses she had just picked up from various famous hot spots and historical places in Manhatten, being escorted by limousine. There was 1.3 carat Marquis diamond ring offset by princess diamonds on the sides (a personal investment of mine of over $12,000) wrapped around the stem of the rose along with a note that said, “Will you marry me?†It was her dream come true, and it was a total surprise to her and everyone we knew.
Once we got back to Minnesota, though, nothing else seemed to matter except for planning the wedding. She wanted to get married a lot sooner than I did, as well, and insisted on doing it as soon as we could find an available location at the most ideal reception hall. I gave in to her on that as well. Sara’s parents’ house turned into “wedding planning central†as the most spectacular wedding and reception was coming together. I worked my ass off to make as much money as I could to pay for all this. She moved into her parents’ house so that I could move into her house and rent out as many of the rooms there (in addition to the ones in my house in Burnsville.)
Obviously, with all this planning, there was nothing but more stress on our relationship and we just grew even further and further apart. We would still make time for each other, but we just weren’t having any fun anymore (nor could we afford it)! This is probably about the time my clinical depression began setting in and my loss of enjoyment for life began.
The wedding, however, on Friday, July 30, 2004, was the best we and most of our friends had ever seen before. It was very formal (black and white). We were married at Wooddale Church and the reception was held at The Lafayette on Lake Minnetonka. (And when all was said and done, the total investment in this extravaganza was roughly $35,000.) After it was all over, I took Sara by limo to a private location (actually, the Doubletree on 394 and 100), in a beautifully decked out Jacuzzi suite that had been decorated with rose petals and candles. EVERYTHING was so GD perfect. — Then it was time for our first “night†together. We attempted to have sex, but that’s about all it was . . . an attempt. ---- The next day, we were off to Phuket, Thailand for 12 days (as if we weren’t in more than enough debt already.)
The honeymoon was just that. It was great. I was so relaxed and happy. During this time, sex wasn’t so bad and I actually enjoyed just making Sara happy as she allowed me to just love her the way I felt comfortable doing.
Once we got back, however, our lives totally changed. We had just put down a down payment on a townhome in Eden Prairie, but it wasn’t going to be finished until November. So, for three months, although we owned three homes between us, we ourselves, were still homeless. I had come up with the idea of renting a room in an extended stay hotel for three months. We were incredibly cramped, but we somehow made it work. However, it wasn’t really working. I had just started school at the Carlson School of Management for my MBA. We were each really unhappy and bored with each other. Life was losing all flavor and I felt that there just wasn’t much to look forward to. She no longer seemed interested in the things I liked to do, and I didn’t want to spend every free moment at home like she did.
Sara kept demanding more and more of my time, and had so many expectations of me. On top of that, I was extremely stressed out and felt like I had no place to just rest. She continued to want attention and physical affection, and . . . sex almost every night! When I told her that I wasn’t comfortable being physically intimate with someone that I still feel is a stranger or with whom I’m feeling hostility from, that just made her angrier. She began losing all respect for me, and believed that I didn’t love her. The intensity levels of our fights increased and she started making personal attacks and even resorted to ridicule and name-calling, using some of the most vile, and vulgar language I never thought could possibly come out of the mouth of the most perfect Christian girl. (In my entire life, I had never had anyone call me the kind of crude names she called me, like: “You fing idiot!â€Â, “YOU Ahole!â€Â, “You F*ing Ahole!â€Â, and even the worst of the worst “Fag†and “Faggotâ€Â) On frequent occasions, when I wasn’t able to “perform†in bed or just didn’t feel like it, she would often get extremely irate and several times physically kicked and pushed me extremely hard until I had to go down and sleep on the couch – both of us crying and yelling at one another! (On one of these occasions, I wrote in my journal, “I feel like my house is a warzone and my bed is the front lines.†(Some of the other acts of physical violence against me are listed below. To this day, she says this behavior is “normal†and hardly compares to anything I’ve done to her. I’m not sure on what planet it’s considered “normal†to through a gallon of milk at someone from 2 feet away you call your husband, but apparently that’s where she’s from. It’s devastating to me even now, to think that she’s never seriously apologized for any of this. She’s had no idea what kind of effect her overt rejection and behavior has had on me. I don’t mean to sound like a wimp or am trying to make any excuses, but she knew I was really sensitive and insecure. In fact, whenever I would try to communicate how her actions and words had hurt, she would either turn it back around on me and say how I’d hurt her or that I was just “too sensitive†and that I needed to “grow a backbone†and “be a man.†That’s rather difficult to do when she’s just emasculated me! On numerous occasions, when I had come home late and had had too much to drink, she actually called my parents who lived 6 hours away in the middle of the night –as if she were “telling on†me. I had become completely terrified of the woman. I remember thinking to myself that she’s just like a dragon, a blond dragon and I was nothing but a pitiful, pathetic slug.)
I never knew what to expect when coming to bed. I always took a huge sigh of relief when she was just asleep and I didn’t have to worry about her waking up. I was constantly feeling like I was walking on eggshells. If she wasn’t screaming at me for this or that, she was complaining. Sara never seems to have a good day. There was always something wrong; either someone pissed her off at work, or a family member, or she wasn’t feeling well. The house was usually a mess with stuff (both hers’ and mine, I’ll admit) lying everywhere and dishes constantly piled up. I know we were both busy professionals, but as much as she would argue otherwise, I definitely worked a lot more hours than she did.
I realized that a missing element in our relationship (at least for me, anyway), was fun. The only thing we ever could think of to do together was to go out to dinner – and spend $100.00 a pop. I really wanted for us to get bicycles because I loved bike riding. So, in May 2005, we went up to Erik’s Bike Shop in Eden Prairie and decked ourselves out with matching bikes. It was fun for a few times, but she gradually lost interest. Her bike would stay put in the garage and I was left to myself. (I put almost 400 miles on that bike over the summer just riding on my own.) Sara’s pastimes consisted primarily of just sitting around the house and watching reality TV shows and movies. She rarely knew anything about world events, politics, or social issues and lacked the ability to discuss these intelligently. While she could tell you in an instant what Britney Spears wore in her latest video or all the movies that Renee Zellweger has ever appeared in, she couldn’t tell you who the current Supreme Court Chief Justice is, who the current Secretary of State is, or, who the current potential Republican or Democratic nominees for president are (much less be able to distinguish their positions from each other.)
Another thing Sara was really into was her family. This was, at first, an extremely attractive trait. She was extremely close to her mother and loved hanging out with her. They are truly “best friends.†However, I somehow always felt threatened by her relationship with her mom. It always felt like she was in the middle, somehow. When I learned that Sara had been telling her mom all about my personal issues, I nearly lost it! I was SOOOO upset and felt SOOOO betrayed. I couldn’t even believe she would do such a thing to me!! She KNEW how sensitive I was about what people know about me, and yet, it never seemed to matter to her. I had promised to keep HER secrets that she had been engaged once before, to a guy that suddenly broke off their engagement two months before the wedding (BOY! would I love to talk to that guy now!), but, she never thought it necessary to keep my issues to herself – even though she promised she would. (It kills me to this day that she doesn’t care or think that this is such a big deal. She’s not even the least bit sorry for it.)
Then, in the summer of 2005, she wanted to get pregnant . . . . Despite the fact that we had agreed to wait at least 3 years before having children, she started nagging me about it and railing into me about it as soon as many of her close friends and even her recently married younger sister had gotten pregnant. I remember standing in the kitchen doing dishes or cooking (I did all the cooking), and looking at her in the living room as she was sitting on the couch watching TV with a scornful look in her eyes, “Why can’t we have kids?†“HUH???†---- After a few weeks of her never letting up on this, I went ahead and made the worst decision of my life. In the very midst of our marital war, I agreed to go ahead and try to get pregnant. She was thrilled.
So, wouldn’t you know it?? Out came all these weird ovulation and pregnancy testing kits, computer tracking programs on the computer, thermometers, and new rules about when and how we were supposed to have sex. (I wasn’t “allowed†to take hot showers or, heaven forbid, sit in the hot tub at the health club!) Nearly EVERY conversation centered around how she was feeling, how the tests were going, whether she was ovulating or not. She had it ALL figured out!
I became nothing but an object of SARA’S dreams. My life, my goals, my interests, my concerns, my issues, were all only secondary (if not even totally irrelevant), to hers’. I just didn’t matter to her. So long as I was doing my job, making money, and keeping her happy, that’s all that mattered. And, so long as my private sins and weaknesses stayed “private†she could overlook those as well.
She had one miscarriage, and then got pregnant another month later. Needless to say, she was ecstatic. — But, I was still miserable and getting worse.
I began suspecting that I had an adult version of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). So, the beginning of 2006, I had several tests done and it was finally determined that I did. My physician prescribed Adderral, a stimulant drug that greatly enhances concentration. However, one of the side effects is when the drug wears off, it’s not uncommon for the patient to get depressed. Since I was already very depressed, to the point where I dreaded going home. I lost a lot of weight very fast, and because I still enjoyed having a drink or two after work before going home (to take the edge off), the effect of the alcohol was much more pronounced. I ended up getting a couple DUI’s within a short amount of time (the BAL’s were very low). This is when my life (November 2006) really began to spin out of control.
Austin had already been born by this time (and Sara and I hadn’t had “relations†in over a year). She pretty much took complete control over him. I had very little if anything to say about anything having to do with him. Ever since he was born, she treated him as if she owned him – as if he’s still a part of her own body. I always felt as though I needed to get her “permission†to do anything with him or take him anywhere. However, the same wasn’t true for her. If she were leaving to go somewhere, she’d just pack Austin up like he was one of her accoutrements (along with her $200 Burberry purse and brand new $300 Kate Spade diaper bag) and take him with her without even asking me. I always have, and still do resent her for this.
She came to see me as a big threat because I was often coming home late, (and, I do admit, I was often drunk!) However, I never engaged her in any heated arguments. It was always her coming down, loaded for bear, ready to confront me, resulting in an ugly argument. Instead of reacting with loving, compassionate disappointment because she expected more from me, she always treated me as though she were judging me while I was so nervously auditioning for her – trying to prove to her that I was good enough for her. Day after day after day after day . . . I just couldn’t handle such constant scrutiny. This is why I would try to stay away from her as much as possible, especially at night. I would deliberately stay up later (making excuses even to do so) and then would later tip-toe into bed without trying to wake her. Although I DID truly love her, and wanted to please her as best I could, she was just pushing me too hard, too fast. But, because of the advice I received from trusted Christian friends to “keep sacrificingâ€Â, “keep tryingâ€Â, “keep lovingâ€Â, etc. etc. etc. and from my mom who always told me, “Treat her like a queen!†I did exactly that. So, I internalized the constant criticism as valid . . . and came to believe I really, really was unfit. (Once, when I came home so late and drunk, and made a fool of myself, I remember her screaming at me, “You’re pathetic!†– I came to believe she was absolutely right . . . and, I wondered, how could someone like me, who had so much going for me prior to meeting her, get to such a dismal place? It NEVER occurred to me that there were any problems with her . . . it was ALL ME AND MY FAULT!!
(NOTE: Aside from the physical affection she so desired, I compensated for her in so many other ways – e.g. she was never denied any material possession she wanted, and I always conceded on all of our major life decisions. – Why, oh why, couldn’t she overlook the incredible sacrifices I made for her? Couldn’t she SEE that I was TRYING to make her happy?)
So, there I was, completely depressed, feeling utterly rejected by my wife who now had a happy little baby to keep her occupied and acceptable in the eyes of her friends and family. That’s all that really mattered to her. I became more and more irrelevant in her eyes. But, so long as the phony image, the façade of our perfect marriage to the external world remained intact, the marriage was worth maintaining in her mind. But, it was so hard for me not to feel resentful and used. I was never really a real “person†to Sara – I was just a means to an end to be controlled and manipulated in order to achieve HER life goals. She saw my vulnerabilities, my insecurities, my struggles, and used them to her advantage. Naively, I thought that if she would only understand, she would be able to care, to be compassionate, to be sensitive, to be patient. I remember telling her way before we were married that I needed my home (and her) to be my “safe place,†my “haven.†How ironic . . . instead of having the feeling that I was coming home every night to a place of rest and peace, I remember feeling like I was having to come back to a dragon’s lair.
A rebellious attitude eventually developed within me and I wanted to prove to her and the rest of the world that all is NOT well in paradise! Since my attempts to deal directly with our problems consistently backfired on me, I resorted to more passive-aggressive means. I reasoned (fallaciously), that if I only demonstrate by a destructive change in my behavior, she would conclude that something was wrong with our relationship. (I assumed this was the case because that is something I naturally assume when someone close to me starts pulling away from me and begins acting differently. When Sara gained an excessive amount of weight and seemed to be so depressed, I took it personally and assumed I was doing something wrong. Evidently, she never made the same assumption.)
Because of all my failings, and now recent legal trouble which served nothing but to completely embarrass her and put us into even more amounts of incredible debt, she came to hate me. (How do you live with someone who hates you? How is it possible to be warm and affectionate to someone like that?) I suppose it was during this time that I did a couple stupid things to try and “get back†at her. I don’t know why she never caught on how I was trying to reach out to her for help, because trying to talk to her never got us anywhere.
In any event, I refused to be defeated and realized that, even though I had a fantastic job at UnitedHealthcare, I needed to make more money. This is why I went out and found this consulting job for a few years working at Target Corporation downtown. The money has definitely been a lot better, and Sara was able to stay at home half time in order to watch Austin like she insisted on doing. (Her mother watches him the rest of the time while she’s working.) But, I had been putting in long hours, and hadn’t been able to get back home before 7 or 8, (sometimes 9) because I’d been taking the bus home.
The weekends had actually gotten a lot more relaxed and even fun. I started cooking again, and was making dinners for us. Sara had admitted that things were getting better (even just a little.) Last April, she and I decided to take this case off of active status. I went with her on a vacation to Florida a week later, to meet with some of her sales associates. She made a big deal about my having a couple drinks during the reception (I was being very careful to pace myself – but she didn’t care. I had thought that we had agreed it would be alright to have a couple). In any event, again feeling like she was trying to control me, I reacted very poorly and passive aggressively (again, since I know it’s useless to try and talk to her). If she just would have relaxed and not got on my case – I’m positive things would have gone much better. Yet, she refuses to trust me, and insists on treating me like a child. Now that she’s been gone, it’s been so nice to not feel as though I’m someone else’s puppet on a string. I can do what I want without fear of being ridiculed or shamed for it. It’s been so easy to quit drinking. While I’m still depressed about how things are turning out, and I soooo desperately miss Austin, at least there’s peace, calm, and sanity again. — I do still love Sara and always will. I just wish she would find room enough in her heart to consider my case and see my side of things — without getting defensive. But, I know now that she never truly loved me, nor was she ever really committed to me. She has only regarded me as another object to make her appear acceptable to the world around her; HER family, HER friends, HER co-workers . . . THAT was the audience she has been auditioning me for. Now that I have fallen down flat on my face on stage too many times and embarrassed and humiliated her, I’ve been summarily fired and it’s time to find a replacement.
Steven B.
June 26, 2007
, but, the ONLY thing that’s been difficult for me to resolve is that she refuses to come clean with me. I have confessed and apologized to her and am no longer carrying the burden of a guilty conscience. But, WHY can’t she simply acknowledge that she hurt me, too? WHY does she insist that her behavior toward me was “normal”? WHY can’t she see things from MY side instead of only insisting that I look at HER side of the story? WHY can’t she at least give me the benefit of the doubt and believe that I never truly MEANT any harm, but that I was only acting according to what I believed was true, and right, and good? (Even though I often failed miserably at it.)