A question I didn't think I'd need to ask again

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

Ladies and gentlemen! I have been the “bad” moderator over on True Healing lately and am so glad to see that the activity has picked back up here. I originally posted the issue (below) over there, but I’ve not kept the forum up as I should and so, figure I’ll get more answers here. I do want to apologize to everyone for my inactivity by the way…

My ex N and I haven’t had any contact for months and months - he called late last Friday night - sent me through a really interesting range of emotions and revealed to me HOW ingrained our experiences will continue to be… I posted that on True Healing. I thought it would have been a one-time event - but:

I don’t rattle easily and I am not yet there - but, he tried to call again last night. Twice. Again, I didn’t pick up but am really wondering what the heck he wants and what I should do? I suppose my confusion (though there should be NONE) is in what to do about it. Of course my curiosity is being piqued, but more, I need to stop it because I know it’s going to escalate. I had been pleased that he hadn’t tried again last week and was confident that was that. I was very surprised when he called again twice yesterday evening - again, no voicemail - that was never anything he did anyway.

Should I call him back and find out what the freak he wants? That’s what I’d like to do - not expecting the truth ever - but, just in case it’s something “benign” like a client for me… The challenge here is that what could be a normal “hey, sorry I missed your call - what’s up?” call that we could all make to a “normal” friend, will not be construed as such by a N.

Or, do I just continue to ignore. That’s really what I want to do - the challenge is (as many know if you’ve followed my story all along) that he gets temperamentally violent. The more I ignored him in the past, the more angry he got - blowing up my phone with relentless calls - over 100 in one night! Now, I like my sleep… :slight_smile: The easy answer is to turn off my phone at night, but the reality is I won’t - I have two sons, both run a re-po business overnight (yeah, mom’s REAL happy about that!) and the one has the major neurological damage issues as well - my phone stays on!

Any ideas about what it could mean? I am the one who really facilitated our “end” - thankfully, with the eye-opening feedback and information here (thank you all!). I can’t imagine where I’d be if I hadn’t figured him out and found you gals! Still, HE is the one who threw me off the pedestal he put me on and decided that I wasn’t “someone I want having my back” and all the lovely devaluation, crazy making stuff that goes with it. Do they forget that? Do they figure they can come back and manipulate once again? Is it always an attempt to regain control and have you back or can it be for a simple, innocent reason that they’d re-establish contact? Any ideas or input would be appreciated…

#2

So far, I haven’t answered - nor called back. I will continue to ignore as long as he doesn’t start the barrage of calls that I have to stop. Still, it is curious…

#3

I don’t for a minute think that I’d get “sucked in” again - it’s surely NOT what I want. I have come far enough in my recovery from him AND my growth as a woman to realize that he is not the right man for me - I don’t need him just to have someone. I’ve gotten much more selective in who will be allowed close - actually, right now, it’s not a challenge anyway because I don’t care to have someone that close. I just don’t want it. It’s really a question of could he want something legitimate or is it just an attempt to suck me in again. Then too, if he HAS decided the latter, I know he will become increasingly angry.

#4

i dont know your history…im new on here…but if it was me in this position…i would answer the calls… because it would be bugging me.
if you are SURE in your heart that you dont want him back…go for it.
Are you not SURE that you will not have feelings or get “sucked in”?is that the prob?
there are two ways of looking at this…first one,imagine how you will feel if there is NO feeling…(the feelgood factor.,the test)
Imagine how you wil feel if feelings just come flooding back.!
Is this the problem here…are you afraid of how you will feel(I would be,)afraid of’un-doing"all the work you have done"and afraid of, FEELING AGAIN ?

#5

control freaks…men like this seem to want what they cant have dont they?
I can see your point…you dont want this to escalate out of control…and by the sound of it…you have well enough to deal with anyway…but it does sound as if he could control with 'fear"as you said that you are worried that he will"kick-off"and he hates being ignored…damned if you so,damned if you dont really.
i think i would face this head on…to take away the control by fear element…he will know that you know that he hates being ignored…could you try"detached friendliness"as if you are not bothered(reverse psychology)…just to work out what he is actually playing at here?sound him out,and give him nothing to be "pissed off"about…do the unexpected.
God…i bet you could do without this!
Regards

#6

I could absolutely do the friendly, detached thing - most of the final calls between us were exactly like that. At the time though he had devalued me and circumstances lent themselves to me “seamlessly disengaging”. We’d gone through all the rages etc. already. I can’t imagine him calling just to say “hey” and I’m sure he wants something. Whatever it is though, he won’t get and it might be better not to give him the chance to ask.

#7

Amazing…
Angiezee,he wants to break NC,he has to be in control and he could also need something.Most importantly(is that a word?)he is intrigued by your strength and not currently high on NS.
Who knows with these people.

#8

Angie, I hope you took the right decision. Let us know whats going on
xx

#9

Hi Angiezee, I’m in a bit of a similar situation, although its entirely different. (yes that makes little sense.) Any time I spent dealing with my ex was a horrible experience and I was glad to get away. I’m finding myself a bit exposed to that again, but from a distance. I am stronger now and better able to deal with it, but it still effects me. But when I got involved I didn’t expect anything to be any different, and I was right. It wouldn’t matter to me what my ex wanted if she called me up, because in the end it will turn into one thing… making me miserable. I wouldn’t be answering the phone either, and hope they’d give up and move on.

#10

Angiezee:

The only thing he wants is to win-----you! Do not answer his calls. If there was a client, you better believe he would leave a message, he wouldn’t want to look like an ass in front of the client. I don’t know what you do or what kind of clients you have, however, I do know that N don’t like to be humiliated in anyway and look like an ass. He is calling you for one reason and one reason only, and that is because he wants you back in his clutches and that is why, when you don’t respond to his calls, he freaks out and breaks things, etc. They are big with control. If your life is not in danger, Do Not Pick Up The Phone! It will get easier the more and more you don’t pick up. The man obviously has not found another Narcissistic Supply, and when/if he does, you will then no longer exist to him.

#11

It could be more than he’s just out of supply, don’t they always have room for more? My ex was always looking for more and backups for when things go bad. I’ve never had anything positive come out of dealing with these kinds of people.

#12

dont call

and

if you do call

dont be silent about it
let us know how you are

#13

Trust me y’all - I won’t call him and the ONLY way I would pick up is if he starts one of those nights of consistant calling. I will let you know if that happens - I am wondering if he’ll try again this weekend…whatever! :slight_smile:

#14

You should stick the number on call block =)

#15

I like that idea! Didn’t know I could do that! I’m going to look into how to do that - what will he realize on his end if he does call again? If he knows that I’ve blocked him, it’s just going to do the same thing I’m worried about - pissing him off to the point of rage.

#16

Its probably different for every phone provider, so you might test it on somebody you trust first. I haven’t made use of call block in a decade, but it very may well notify the caller that the number they dialed is not accepting calls from the number being used. The last time I used it I think it did… but it could be different now.