Advice and coping....and moving forward

hopetoday · March 16, 2018, 7:45pm

I have been collecting pieces of advice from people and reading articles and thought we should start a topic on what do do. actual actions in dealing, coping, moving on, whatever…

hopetoday · February 12, 2017, 1:48am

VERBAL ABUSE: HOW TO SAVE YOURSELF

How can his voice drown out your inner knowing? Patricia Evans explains.

The abuse only happens when you’re alone with him. Friends and coworkers might think he’s a prince, so you doubt your own perceptions or believe his anger must be your fault.

Verbal abuse escalates gradually; you adapt. (The abuse might also become physical.) He’s Jekyll and Hyde, with just enough sweet times to keep you hoping the relationship will improve.

Assuming he’s rational (aren’t all men?) and wants what you want (loving mutuality), you strain to make sense of what he says. But it’s nonsense, designed to confuse you. The shocking truth is, he seeks control, not intimacy.

Yet you can save your spirit. Evans maps out the steps to emotional rescue:

Recognize that the abuse has nothing to do with you or your actions or qualities.

Stop trying to explain and defend yourself. Instead, start setting limits: “Cut that out!” or “I don’t want to hear that.”

Listen carefully to your feelings. Believe them, not him.

Get support from a counselor or therapist. Make sure she understands that this isn’t just a “conflict” or an “argument.”

Keep in mind that an abuser might be able to change himself if he really wants toÃ¢â‚¬â€but you can’t change him. You can honor and nurture yourself.

hopetoday · March 16, 2018, 1:12pm

It turns out narcissism is not about self love it’s about self loathing, Dr. Drew says. “It’s a deep sense of emptiness and a deep disconnect between primary emotional experiences and second order representations of those experiences, such that feelings don’t have much meaning and other people’s feelings don’t have much meaning. They have trouble with intimacy; they have trouble empathizing with other people, and the only way they feel good about themselves is sort of filling themselves up with the positive affects of other people,” he says.

I believe that the most important thing I learned from that experience was to never give so much of yourself that you find yourself spiritually bankrupt.

Posted by muddbunch

hopetoday · February 12, 2017, 1:48am

Raising the Next Generation of Men

Scott says his abusive behavior went unchecked for over 10 years. His four sons, now young men, are paying the price for their father’s violence. Some have been involved in domestic violence situations; all have had problems with substance abuse.

When his oldest son was 15 years old, Scott decided, “The violence is going to end with me.” But the damage had already been done. For years, Scott had terrorized his entire family. “I was working in low-income jobs, and I was frustrated that the money wasn’t paying the bills. It was my only way of trying to gain control. Through the Men’s Resource Center of Western Massachusetts and the Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program, I learned to control myself.”

What Every Dad Should Know
Scott never was arrested. He sought to reform himself in a program that lasted seven years. He hopes each of his sons will complete a similar program. Scott is now a domestic violence advocate and has this message for other fathers:
Be responsible when you have children.

Take a parenting class. Parenting is a hard job.

Take care of yourself. You have to be able to care for yourself before you can take care of anyone else.

If you come from a family with a history of domestic violence, seek counseling before you pass it on to your children.

Teaching Boys to be Men
Don McPherson, Executive Director of the Sports Leadership Institute, says, “We don’t raise boys to be men, we raise boys not to be women.” Mothers and fathers are equally responsible for teaching boys that girls are weaker and more emotional. Parents often scold little boys not to cry when they fall and hurt themselves. ‘Be a man, toughen up.’ They learn to repress their hurt and express anger, an acceptable male emotion.

Why Men Become Abusive
Jackson Katz, founder of the Mentors in Violence Prevention Program, explains why men abuse.

Related Resources

To learn more about the Men’s Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, visit http://www.mensresourcecenter.org/.

To learn more about Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE), visit www.menovercomingviolence.org