I feel awful these days. I found I myself in places I had moved beyond long ago.
Is anyone else feeling badly today?
what’s up?
a phoenix is histrionic?
it is?
i hadnt heard that before
I’ve seen plenty of images of it, especially in Chinese temple paintings and sculptures, and it certainly looks flambouyant, although, the one tattooed on my backside is simplified and hard to see.
what are your associations and understanding about a mercenary?
The drama threw me off also. I feel bad for anyone that had to find their way here, but checking in validated my reality and that I was not alone in it.
I think we all have had enough drama in our lives, I did not expect to find it here. We might not agree with everything that is said, but no one ever purposely diruputed or attacked any one before on this board. I have fought like hell to live in reality and get out of crazy town, but apparently there are few lay overs on your way out of crazy town. Kinda like, “are we there yet,” anxious to get to our destination of “Happyville.” Be patient, Happyville is in site, we will get there, in spite of the delays.
Hugs mamolie
“are we there yet?”
(laughing)
thats EXACTLY how I’m feeling/thinking Mamolie
I’m going to ramble a little.
I often wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again. I’ve read on other NPD boards, people wondering the same thing. Did the N do such a job on them that theyre scarred for life. I dont want to be doomsdaying about it all, but the 7 years I was with him, and the one year after he asked me to be his friend, were, really, the worst years of my life.
I hear others here talk about time…years…years with my heart and my brain locked in a never-ending circle of misery, anxiety, fear, resentment, frustration, disappointment, hope and hopelessness, commitment like a death sentence. That must have some effect on a brain?
Its been over a year since we broke up. I remember the sensation of feeling like I can breathe again. Ha, unlike the first few months we were a couple, when I remember the sensation of feeling suffocated, too much physical closeness, too much of a demand on my time, I needed MY space, too much overwhelming emotion, I entered into the relationship really feeling like I wasnt ready yet, I didnt even really want to date, but it was such an intense ride into overwhelming bliss from the getgo. I couldnt breathe.
Later, for most of the remaining years, I couldnt breathe because I always felt tight, bracing myself for the next crisis, the next fight, the next disappointment, the next rage, the next injury. That was a constant in my life…feeling braced for the next emotional blow, never feeling like I could relax and just breathe.
So being able to breathe when no contact started was such a relief.
I’m breathing now, but so what then?
My life went into a higher gear, my social life got full, I got creative with my photography, lots of models, even paying clients after awhile, dating, met a really nice guy, had all these plans, my therapist was proud and enthusiastic about what was going on.
But inside…heavy…always heavy. I was moving through life again alright, but feeling like I was dragging a 300 lb ghost behind me. What the hell is that thing?
So a couple days ago, I couldnt keep myself from crying at work. This isnt good. Its not professional and it shows weakness. Showing weakness is not a good thing when dealing with disordered teens, so I took a couple days off. One of my colleagues/friends asked “is this not a good day?”
And the answer was, the day was perfectly fine, my life is perfectly fine. But I’m whats not perfectly fine.
I have friends who love me, rewarding work, I feel my positive impact in the world, I look in the mirror and see an attractive strong woman, I dont lack attention from men, my mama loves me and I love her too, and my son…wow…my son is a charming playful smart fit affectionate character, and his non-N dad is still my good friend after all these years. My physical health is better than I would have expected, I make enough money to get myself and my son whatever we want, and we live in a rich and safe country…I dont have any worries.
But I feel like shit.
And I wonder, will I ever stop feeling like I’m dragging a 300 lb ghost behind me everywhere I go?
Will I ever feel as natural a part of the rhythm of the world like I used to pre-N?
Or did he change my brain structure/.chemistry forever?
Do you know what I mean?
I feel cr-p too!
I was so sure Iwould not get caught a second time. But i did, and royally so!
Hooked lined and sinkered!
And i still have this horrible, neverending divorce battle with exH. I need to fire my lawyer, he’s not fit for the job.
My ghosts are all around. Have almost given up believing I will get up one day and feel good. Am drinking too much, smoking too much and putting on weight.
Moan, moan, moan - thats me!
lol
nic x
oh Nick I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like theres stressful stuff around you that needs attention too so its not even like you can resign from the world for a little while.
I’m wondering what kinds of things you could recommend to feel a little lighter. What works for you? maybe even if not today but in past days?
Am just off to meet my kids for the night, that should take my mind off things, until, that is my daughter goes off on one and starts giving me a loud and abusive telling off for whatever i dont do enough of for her, which is pretty much everything!
hey ho!
Going out tomorrow night, will do best to get glammed up a bit i think, its been a while!
xx
Never underestimate the messiness of the Message Board Healing Process. Every fear you've got inside is gonna leap before your eyes and catch you by surprise. ;-)
You'll become familiar with your own projections, self-doubts, hyper-vigilence, distrust, you-name-it. That's how it's been for me and for many others who've had the guts to stick it out through forum hailstorms, hurricanes, tornados and quakes. ha!
Each time a small turbulance threatens to escalate, we make a choice about trusting our gut to know who's telling the truth.
Sometimes we choose to absent ourselves from the drama for a little while.
Sometimes we allow self-doubt to destroy an opportunity to connect with one another.
Sometimes we make mistakes and so what who cares? We learn from the mistakes and move forward.
Sometimes we are so triggered by forum disputes that we react first and regret later. So what who cares? We learn from the experience and move forward.
What I LOVE about message boards is that we feel every emotion we feel face-to-face and yet, we can save face with a screen name. You will learn more about your inner self by engaging in a cyber-forum than you might learn in five years of daily life. And that's my truth so I'm stickin' to it. ;-)
I'm glad people were able to ride out the storm. It's part and parcel of a good message board when members are occasionally triggered. We eventually learn how to control those triggers in cyberspace as well as face-to-face. I've spent some hellish evenings though. LOL But i have learned how to stand up for myself and still CARE about my impact on others.
CarePlace is a nice place. Make this environment the healing place you want it to be.
Much love to all,
CZBZ
I occasionally feel badly, like I’ve made no progress.
However I often ignore other signs of my having moved on.
I have a tendency to let other Ns and N-like people into my life and let them take over, and I kick myself for making the same mistakes repeatedly.
thephoenix101 npd-cpt6690@lists.careplace.com wrote: I feel awful these days. I found I myself in places I had moved beyond long ago. Is anyone else feeling badly today? what’s up?
Rene
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Mercenary,
this struck me as familiar:
“However I often ignore other signs of my having moved on.”
When I’m feeling miserable this is also true of me.
I often, not always, ask myself, in what ways am I different now than I was 6 years ago?
I laugh at my own human folly and ridiculousness more easily (and that of others too), I am now a firm believer that the worst pains and hard-to-tolerate feelings I get are survivable and they all eventually pass, that I’m more resilient than I give myself credit for even if my nickname is a bird that constantly and forever rises from the ashes, there are always people on this earth who know my loveableness and see my beauty no matter how unloveable or ugly I feel somedays.
I didnt have that plasticity of thinking 6 years ago.
Its nice to sort of pry the venetian blinds of my dark days open a little and remind myself theres sunshine just on the other side, even if I do choose to sit in the dark awhile longer.
I prefer to think of your nickname as a histrionic animal obsessed with flamboyant attention-getting devices. But that’s just me. snicker. 
I am real good at filtering out compliments people pay me. By default I relativize whatever good things are said of me.
“Oh mercenary this tomato beef noodle casserole is SO good!” -> “What, it’s tomato, beef, noodles, and a 9x12 pan. You’re too easily impressed, or just hungry.”
thephoenix101 npd-cpt6690@lists.careplace.com wrote:
A mercenary is a paid soldier who fights everyone else’s battles but his own.
An underpaid mercenary is known as a schoolteacher.
thephoenix101 npd-cpt6690@lists.careplace.com wrote:
(laughing)
“An underpaid mercenary is known as a schoolteacher.”
oh man…how true that rings today!!!
just let me say, youre not lacking flamboyance either
nice to have you here:)