Anger and hatred how did you deal with it?

Three years ago while in therapy, I thought there was something wrong with me because, I don't seem to have a lot of anger. I thought maybe I was holding it in because, my father was an agry raging person and my H was. Was I not letting myself have anger because I thought of them and did not ever want to be like that? Well I went on line and looked up anger. I do get angry about things but I do not go into rages. I have what is called appropriate anger to things that happen. I had it confused with Rage,thought that is how you should feel when you are angry. It is not.

I tried for many years to get help and did not get it from any of the therapists we saw. I would keep trying to move on and make the best of it, but crazy was always happening in the back ground. It took the death of my sister to move me and motivate me to not stop till I knew what was wrong. It could not be all me or all my fault.

My H retired and he had no where to go, I questioned and tore down all the excuses he ever gave me. I just could not understand why, I could not get through to him, which led me to an on line search for personality disorders, where I found my life and aswers for why he is like he is. I still tried to get through to him, not willing to accept this disorder, 40 years had to count for something. I found they did not.

You learn to bury a lot of your feelings and emotions when you live with this. I have always been the cry baby, happy or sad, you'd see me crying. When I finally accepted he had this disorder, 40 years of feelings and emotions came flying out all at the same time. I was overwhelmed with feelings. I did not know what to do with it all, I wanted it to stop, I have never been so uncomfortable in my life. I thought I should check myself in to a hospital, give me some pills or something to make this stop. To make it worse my H is my only reality check. He was no longer yelling or responding to me, he was feeling bad for himself, not me. He did not talk much, his brain would not let him find positive comforting words for me, so he said nothing. That is how terrible this disorder is, kind words can not come out of his mouth for me, his wife of 40 years. I did not let his anger beat me back down, he lost his power over me, I was no longer afraid of him. The double talking , blaming me and excuses no longer worked, no more going around in circles. I worked through that part. He lost his power over me.

Then the memories started to come back, as I could finally make sense of all the things that happened. Then I started to get angry about my treatment and things he did. The more I remembered the more outraged I got at him and myself for letting it happen. I was feeling rage and hatred towards him it scared me more than the feelings that came out. I didn't know what to with it where to put it. Did I need to check myself in again, it was overwhelming. The confusion of this disorder, is, do I direct at him or the disorder he does not understand he has. Do I hate him or the disorder, what do I do with this. One night I was completely out of control mad, flipping out, crying screaming, while he ate a bag of pop corn, one piece at a time, like he was watching a movie and I was not real to him. I was stunned by it and really questioning my sanity.

This went on for atleast 6 months, sometimes, days of not talking, he was happy when I was quiet, he was ok with not talking. Guess he was hoping I would settle down soon, so he would not have to listen to me anymore. Maybe because I actually went though this with him, I finally faced this disorder for what it is, and it finally came down me being saved. He does not think he needs saved, he is fine the way he is. I guess I had to go through all of that to get myself to where, I was so angry that so much of my life was taken by a terrible disorder, that I was not going to give another second to it, and I began this journey to find and rebuild me, I neglected me for way too long, I can only help me, I deserve a better life, and only I can make that happen for me. So as uncomfortable as it all is, I think you have to experience all the emotions, anger and even hatred, to keep moving forward. Remember a stranger didn't do this to us,it was someone we loved and trusted, you should be outraged. Maybe some else will have an easier way to get through the anger and hatred, thats how it happened for me. Hugs mamolie

Mamolie,

What a story you have to tell. I like hearing about your side of things. I’ve read so many stories from victims about what their ex’s have done to them, I’ve written a few myself. Mostly I’ve told them out loud to my therapist and my closest confidantes. What I havent heard a lot of is HOW you told your story, of what happened to you (not what he did), what was going on inside and how it was coming out in your behaviours and choices. I really appreciated that because it helps me stay focussed on the person thats so important to me now…me.

Its so easy to get bogged down in feeling like a victim by focussing only on how predatory the other person is. When really after that stage has lost much of its energy, the more loving stage of seeing how WE changed – how we changed to accommodate our N’s, and how we changed in order to gain awareness and enough life and energy to break the “stuckness”, and then how we changed to break out, and grow forward from that.

Its powerful stuff.

We’re powerful stuff.

I felt my anger THROUGHOUT my relationship. I fought a lot, the whole time in fact because I knew things were unjust, fucked up, needed attention, needed change. The fighting was painful a lot of the time, because he was pained by it I suppose, and retalliated by going for my jugular, and like a good victim, I let him annihilate me and I acquiesced…only to fight another day.

My hatred didnt come until after I realized there was one horrible thing he did that was so sinister and deceitful I couldnt even fight against it, because I didnt know it was happening. And that betrayal I will NEVER forget, no matter how much time goes by.

When I read what you wrote, my ideas of the cathartic strength of righteous anger and warrior-like hatred are affirmed. And so is my idea that its only another important stage in recovery, it cant be the final resting place for a heart.

I feel tender reading your account, tender towards you, tender towards other survivors who break free and let themselves feel the strength in their righteous anger…tenderness for those of us who finally rip all the bandaids off and walk towards lasting healing. We’re battered, raw but tenacious and resilient, we’re hurting but we’re healthy enough to find our way back to sanity, to normalcy (whatever that is for each of us), to balance, to calm.

big hugs Mamolie

big big ones

Ironically, my husband has NO malignant narcissistic qualities. I got married 1 week before my mother died of cancer. She was in the front row, gaunt and on oxygen. But she knew, she knew deep down that he was going to be good to me. I thank her for that. Thanks mom I could have EASILY been sucked into a NPD relationship. And felt devalued every step of the way…Believe me, I had enough of that growing up…Raising children is hard enough. And I am so glad that I didn’t go that route… I feel for those of you who have.

Mamolie, I feel as if you and my mother could have been sisters. I feel her spirit in you. And I don’t say that to many people. You and my therapist I have told this week. I am lucky to have searched
and found you both.

This I am truly grateful for.

There aren’t many posts I feel like responding to these days.

So with that said:
How did I deal with the anger? I read everything I could on narcissism. Mainly narcissim and relationships. The more I learned the more I realized the demise of our relationship was not my fault. I’m not perfect but I did try very hard to bring us together. Through reading I learned there was nothing I could have done. The issue was not me and never was me. This revelation was so healing for me I can’t describe it. I had taken so much responsiblity! I was in so much pain! I would vacillate between anger and despair it was truly a dark period in my life. Also, I would come here and talk with people going through the same thing. They helped me see my relationship for what it was. At first I couldn’t accept it and as all the information I gathered started to sink in the darkness began to lift. I’m grateful to this forum for helping me move forward. I hope my contributions have helped others move forward as well.

Ladies, why don’t we write a book together? We can’t wait for Oprah… Let’s just compile our experiences and send it off to a publisher. We certainly have enough material.

NEW EDITION - Almost 200 pages of quotes and online resources!

Forward this message and the book itself to interested parties!

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Family members - parents, children, spouses - colleagues, friends, and acquaintances discuss their experiences with abusive and controlling narcissists. Verbal abuse, mental abuse, stalking, bullying, harassment, indifference, and anguish are all described honestly and intimately in this small tome.

Includes links to online resources about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and relationships with abusive narcissists.

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Sam Vaknin

palma@unet.com.mk

About the fourth year into my own dysfunctional relationship, I was consumed with anger. I was full of bitterness and contempt and hatred. At some point I realized I was only hurting myself and preventing my self from a happier life. I got better by changing my perspective, gaining back my compassion, and forgiveness. It did wonders for me. Please note that I am niether Christian, nor do I believe forgiveness does not have to go along with “forgetting.” I spent four years trying to forgive, but it didn’t work until I did it for my own benifit without expecting anything in return. Thats the point I started getting better. The anger and obsessive thinking started dwindling at that point.

Forgiving and Forgetting

Forgiving is an important capability. It does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven. But it should not be a universal, indiscriminate behaviour. It is legitimate not to forgive sometimes. It depends, of course, on the severity or duration of what was done to you.

In general, it is unwise and counter-productive to apply to life “universal” and “immutable” principles. Life is too chaotic to succumb to rigid edicts. Sentences which start with “I never” or “I always” are not very credible and often lead to self-defeating, self-restricting and self-destructive behaviours.

Conflicts are an important and integral part of life. One should never seek them out, but when confronted with a conflict, one should not avoid it. It is through conflicts and adversity as much as through care and love that we grow.

Human relationships are dynamic. We must assess our friendships, partnerships, even our marriages periodically. In and by itself, a common past is insufficient to sustain a healthy, nourishing, supportive, caring and compassionate relationship. Common memories are a necessary but not a sufficient condition. We must gain and regain our friendships on a daily basis. Human relationships are a constant test of allegiance and empathy.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html

We must gain and regain our friendships on a daily basis. Human relationships are a constant test of allegiance and empathy.

 

Indeed.

 

Its amazing any of us have enduring relationships when they, nd people seem to require so much tending to...I'm not a gardener.  It doesnt always come naturally.

ugh

Indeed!

A letter about trust

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq20.html