Three years ago while in therapy, I thought there was something wrong with me because, I don't seem to have a lot of anger. I thought maybe I was holding it in because, my father was an agry raging person and my H was. Was I not letting myself have anger because I thought of them and did not ever want to be like that? Well I went on line and looked up anger. I do get angry about things but I do not go into rages. I have what is called appropriate anger to things that happen. I had it confused with Rage,thought that is how you should feel when you are angry. It is not.
I tried for many years to get help and did not get it from any of the therapists we saw. I would keep trying to move on and make the best of it, but crazy was always happening in the back ground. It took the death of my sister to move me and motivate me to not stop till I knew what was wrong. It could not be all me or all my fault.
My H retired and he had no where to go, I questioned and tore down all the excuses he ever gave me. I just could not understand why, I could not get through to him, which led me to an on line search for personality disorders, where I found my life and aswers for why he is like he is. I still tried to get through to him, not willing to accept this disorder, 40 years had to count for something. I found they did not.
You learn to bury a lot of your feelings and emotions when you live with this. I have always been the cry baby, happy or sad, you'd see me crying. When I finally accepted he had this disorder, 40 years of feelings and emotions came flying out all at the same time. I was overwhelmed with feelings. I did not know what to do with it all, I wanted it to stop, I have never been so uncomfortable in my life. I thought I should check myself in to a hospital, give me some pills or something to make this stop. To make it worse my H is my only reality check. He was no longer yelling or responding to me, he was feeling bad for himself, not me. He did not talk much, his brain would not let him find positive comforting words for me, so he said nothing. That is how terrible this disorder is, kind words can not come out of his mouth for me, his wife of 40 years. I did not let his anger beat me back down, he lost his power over me, I was no longer afraid of him. The double talking , blaming me and excuses no longer worked, no more going around in circles. I worked through that part. He lost his power over me.
Then the memories started to come back, as I could finally make sense of all the things that happened. Then I started to get angry about my treatment and things he did. The more I remembered the more outraged I got at him and myself for letting it happen. I was feeling rage and hatred towards him it scared me more than the feelings that came out. I didn't know what to with it where to put it. Did I need to check myself in again, it was overwhelming. The confusion of this disorder, is, do I direct at him or the disorder he does not understand he has. Do I hate him or the disorder, what do I do with this. One night I was completely out of control mad, flipping out, crying screaming, while he ate a bag of pop corn, one piece at a time, like he was watching a movie and I was not real to him. I was stunned by it and really questioning my sanity.
This went on for atleast 6 months, sometimes, days of not talking, he was happy when I was quiet, he was ok with not talking. Guess he was hoping I would settle down soon, so he would not have to listen to me anymore. Maybe because I actually went though this with him, I finally faced this disorder for what it is, and it finally came down me being saved. He does not think he needs saved, he is fine the way he is. I guess I had to go through all of that to get myself to where, I was so angry that so much of my life was taken by a terrible disorder, that I was not going to give another second to it, and I began this journey to find and rebuild me, I neglected me for way too long, I can only help me, I deserve a better life, and only I can make that happen for me. So as uncomfortable as it all is, I think you have to experience all the emotions, anger and even hatred, to keep moving forward. Remember a stranger didn't do this to us,it was someone we loved and trusted, you should be outraged. Maybe some else will have an easier way to get through the anger and hatred, thats how it happened for me. Hugs mamolie