Another thought.... could it be?

Here is another thought, I know my so called N has ADHD super bad and I have suspected that he may be bipolar … now could he be these things and it looks like NPD but it isn’t?

article I found:

ATTENTION!
The Magazine of Children and Adults with Attentional Disorders

AD/HD & Relationships: Communication is the Key!
By Dr. Ron Weinstein, Ph.D. Clinical Director
and Marlynn Block, M.A.
The A.D.D. Center

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)
"…one can change things by the manner in which one looks at them." Tom Robbins

“Tell me and I will forget. Show me and I will remember. Involve me and I will understand.” Confucius

Many of the arguments and the resulting rages, tantrums or cold shoulders that arise between people in close relationships can often be traced to differences in perception and communication style. How we see and make sense of the world around us influences how and what we communicate to others. This usually becomes apparent to anyone involved in a relationship with someone who has AD/HD. Developing an understanding of these differences is essential to effective communication.
As therapists who specialize in AD/HD, we work with children, adults, couples and families in numerous capacities. Our experiences with these folks is “in the trenches”, often as part of a school PPT team, as coaches when emotional support is needed, or as objective observers in the heat of family battles, helping to prioritize issues that are causing unbearable discomfort.

We, ourselves, must deal with AD/HD in our own relationship. Ron’s AD/HD was undiagnosed during the first half of our marriage and there most likely would not have been a second half had it remained undiagnosed! We are fortunate to have been armed with a professional knowledge of AD/HD and first hand exposure to how it affects couples, so we have been able to work on our own lives and relationship with a clearer understanding of the differences between our communication styles. We use this knowledge to help our clients resolve issues that may have dissolved relationships in the past.

It’s not difficult to understand how the “triad” of AD/HD symptoms — impulsivity, inattention and hyperactivity/restlessness, can affect relationships. However, we believe that these “visible symptoms” have somewhat less direct impact than the ways in which they have affected a variety of “hidden” developmental characteristics.

Most adults with AD/HD were not diagnosed until they were adults. Throughout their lives, they have suffered a great deal of pain. Many have had to develop coping mechanisms to help them survive. Over time, the constant pressure of trying to cope with their problems brought on by their new ways to cope can bring about stress. As a result, some adults become overwhelmed, depressed, anxious and lose confidence. Since we can’t go back and change this history, we need to move forward and realize that the efforts we put into our personal growth create hope for a changed life. Newly diagnosed adults finally have an opportunity to closely examine their lives in a more reflective and meaningful manner and to understand why they made the choices they did. But as we are aware, just understanding doesn’t guarantee anything will change.

Therefore, we work closely with our clients to help them understand who they are; identify their strengths, weaknesses, and the hurdles they have to overcome; learn what they need to do in order to grow and experience a sense of well-being.

Who are you?
At our initial meeting, one of the first things we ask a client is — “Who are you?” This usually catches them off guard. They might have thought about the concept during times of turmoil, but for the most part, the question never entered their minds. Are they comfortable with their “gut” reactions to things? Do they believe that what they feel is appropriate? Do they feel guilty about not doing something or then resent it if they do?

Adults with AD/HD typically have a problem identifying who they “really” are since throughout their lives they’ve tried to change their personalities to fit the situation at hand. Adding to this confusion is the fact that they can’t often trust what they feel. For example, people may pretend they are wise and sophisticated, while worrying about being “found out”!

Making Sense of Interpersonal Communication
Good communication depends on people understanding one another’s true thoughts, regardless of the words they happen to be using. Since our brains work so much faster than our mouths, we often use a kind of shorthand, which might have an entirely different meaning for another person than it does for us.

When two of us interact, we often experience what goes on in such different ways. If either of us could see the way the other views the relationship, it would probably make no sense at all. Adults with AD/HD must also contend with the three-ring circus performing in their heads — they are paying attention to the sound of the other person’s voice, experiencing past and future fears, becoming aware of the freedom to or fear of saying what they are feeling, and concentrating their efforts to get meaning from the other person’s words. The more involved they are in trying to be less distracted, the less involved they are in the conversation!

Unlike a “non-AD/HD” brain, which runs on batteries, the brain of an adult with AD/HD is like a wind-up watch that requires winding periodically throughout the day. The non-stop circulation of thoughts and ideas in the brain of a person with AD/HD provides stimulation and is a wonderful source of creativity, but it often creates difficulties with communication.

Words and meanings are not always the same.

From our experience, it seems clear that many of the difficulties experienced in relationships result from the fact that the meanings of the words spoken and the priorities placed on tasks are quite different for the individual with AD/HD. It’s as if they speak a different language. This results in miscommunication, misinterpretation and misunderstanding! Thus we often hear, “That’s not what I meant!” or “You don’t understand!”

Problems with word retrieval cause misunderstanding. You must know where a word is “mentally filed” in order to retrieve it. Individuals with AD/HD often have difficulty maintaining an organized “filing” system since the AD/HD brain creates so many options. For example, a person with AD/HD may file the word “apple” under the letter “A,” or “F” for fruit, or “R” for round or red and so on. She may file it differently every time. However, the person who does not have AD/HD will probably file it the same way each time, under the most universal choice — A for apple.

The disorganized filing system of a person with AD/HD impacts communication in a big way, causing him to seem hesitant or unsure while he searches through his mental file cabinet for the right word or phrase. During this time, the “lottery ball effect” takes over. Instead of numbered balls flying around until they drop down the tube, a word, idea or fragment of an incomplete thought may randomly and impulsively come out of the individual’s mouth. If it is inappropriate, he may then respond by saying, “Oh, I didn’t mean that!” Oftentimes, however, The recipient of the remark has difficulty believing he didn’t mean it, especially if inappropriate remarks are made frequently.

A thought process begins when a question is asked. The person responding must stop, listen to what is being asked, compare this information to previous experiences, choose an option and then respond. The person with AD/HD most often has difficulty in step one - stopping. As such, the process does not occur and, like the balls in the lottery machine, what comes out of the mouth is often a surprise even to the person who said it! This happens because of the difficulty isolating individual thoughts in a brain that’s constantly being filled with new ideas. The spoken word only becomes real when it is uttered aloud. It is only after the word leaves the mouth that the AD/HD individual can decide whether or not it make sense, and whether or not it’s appropriate. So the statement, “I didn’t mean that” should be taken literally.

Priorities

The level of importance we place on something determines our priorities. In our clinical experience, many couples have never even considered that their different priorities can profoundly affect their relationships. For instance, simple day-to-day activities that require planning and organizing may not be high priority tasks for adults with AD/HD. A task that is more stimulating, or one to which he may respond in a more extreme or “emotional” manner, is more likely to be a higher priority.

Differences in priorities and time urgencies are often reflected in the “no big deal” response. For example, walking past a bag of garbage without picking it up, leaving the lawn covered with leaves, or even driving past the library with overdue books and not returning them may not make any sense to some. In the mind of the adult with AD/HD, however, it is “no big deal”, since their thought is “it will get done eventually.”

Becoming Aware, Accepting Our Differences and
Developing an Action Plan

Adults with AD/HD are complex individuals. Adding to this inherent complexity are the emotional defenses resulting from years of being misunderstood and not trusted or believed. One goal is to be aware of what triggers these defenses, thereby reducing anxiety and anger, which allows the AD/HD adult to incorporate the tools for improving interpersonal relationships.

Acknowledging and accepting differences helps the adult with AD/HD to feel respected as a separate person. Only at that point, can the process of successfully negotiating differences and working on those issues or behaviors that may be inappropriate begin.

An “action plan” usually involves change, either in behavior, attitude, environment, or responsibility. Change is an essential part of life, yet one which can be extremely painful for many people. There is not much hope for a relationship in which one person takes no steps to change. Often, we find that the non-AD/HD person is more hesitant to change, because it has been easier to blame all past problems on her partner’s AD/HD. On the other hand, partners with AD/HD often believe that the partner must accept AD/HD as an “excuse” for certain behaviors.

Neither partner in a relationship has to accept unacceptable behavior. When a person who does not have the disorder seeks a support group to help deal with a partner with AD/HD who is sloppy, has frequent outbursts, or is unable to hold a job, in some cases, our advice is to forget it! Behaviors that lead to disorganization, screaming or unemployment can be changed, but only if the person with the problems is able and willing to make an effort to change. If he is not, we suggest re-thinking the reasons for remaining together.

Getting out “poisonous” feelings like resentment and anger is important, yet it’s often difficult when one or both partners have a hard time keeping quiet or listening without interrupting. We use and suggest “emotion dumps”, which are similar to the “10 & 10” sharing time encouraged by the Marriage Encounter movement. In this case, because adults with AD/HD are often impatient, we suggest making it a “2 & 2” — two minutes for each person to write on paper or via email about how they felt that day, what may have bothered them or share positive experiences. We suggest using “I” statements, reflecting how the person writing feels, rather than what he perceives has been done to him by others. Since this format is not face-to-face, neither partner can interrupt, be distracted by the other’s words, or impulsively make a judgment leading to a blowup.

Another tool which helps gain clarity in the relationship is the Top Priorities List. Each partner compiles a list of what he or she feels are the most important daily and long-term issues to be dealt with. In many cases, the long-term priorities are similar. However, the differences in daily priorities are typically great. What the adult with AD/HD may consider “top priorities” is often in direct opposition to what the non-AD/HD partner gives weight to, revealing possible causes of tension.

Essentially, mutual trust is fundamental in a relationship that works. Mutual trust is based on the ability to correctly interpret what our partner is trying to communicate and vice versa. That process is the one that takes the most work, but as we tell our clients, life never gets any easier, we just hope to get better at dealing with it!

what ever he has Hope, You still can’t fix him, he has to be aware he has a problem and he needs to seak out help, you can’t talk him into it, you can’t make him go for help. YOU CAN ONLY WORK ON YOURSELF AND THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, GIVE UP THAT HOPE THAT HE CAN BE FIXED, IF ONLY YOU FIGURE OUT EXACTLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM. HE IS BROKEN, NO MATTER WHAT YOU CALL IT, HE WILL NOT BE A LOVING, CARING PARTNER, HE HAS ALREADY SHOWN YOU THAT. YOU DESERVE A PARTNER WHO WILL LOVE YOU FOR THE SPECIAL, CARING ,LOVING PERSON YOU ARE. HUGS MAMOLIE

PLEASE TRY THIS OUT TO HELP WITH THE PAIN AND TRAUMA OF NPD. IT IS

HELPING ME:

V. Hypotheses of the EMDR Model

The Adaptive Information Processing model is the theoretical
foundation of the EMDR approach. It is based on the following
hypotheses:

  1.   Within each person is a physiological information processing  
    

system through which new experiences and information are normally
processed to an adaptive state.

  1.   Information is stored in memory networks that contain  
    

related thoughts, images, audio or olfactory memories, emotions, and
bodily sensations .

  1.   Memory networks are organized around the earliest related  
    

event.

  1.   Traumatic experiences and persistent unmet interpersonal  
    

needs during crucial periods in development can produce blockages in
the capacity of the adaptive information processing system to resolve
distressing or traumatic events.

  1.   When information stored in memory networks related to a  
    

distressing or traumatic experience is not fully processed, it gives
rise to dysfunctional reactions.

  1.   The result of adaptive processing is learning, relief of  
    

emotional and somatic distress, and the availability of adaptive
responses and understanding.

  1.   Information processing is facilitated by specific types of  
    

bilateral sensory stimulation. Based on observational and
experimental data, Shapiro has referred to this stimulation as
bilateral stimulation (Shapiro, 1995) and dual attention stimulation
(Shapiro, 2001).

  1.   Alternating, left-right, visual, audio and tactile  
    

stimulation when combined with the other specific procedural steps
used in EMDR enhance information processing .

  1.   Specific, focused strategies for sufficiently stimulating  
    

access to dysfunctionally stored information (and in some cases,
adaptive information) generally need to be combined with bilateral
stimulation in order to produce adaptive information processing.

  1. EMDR procedures foster a state of balanced or dual attention
    between internally accessed information and external
    bilateralstimulation. In this state the client experiences
    simultaneously the distressing memory and the present context.

  2. The combination of EMDR procedures and bilateral stimulation
    results in decreasing the vividness of disturbing memory images and
    related affect, facilitating access to more adaptive information and
    forging new associations within and between memory networks.

VI. Method

EMDR uses specific psychotherapeutic procedures to 1) access existing
information, 2) introduce new information, 3) facilitate information
processing and 4) inhibit accessing of information (Lipke, 1999).
Unique to EMDR are both the specific procedural steps used to access
and process information, and the ways in which sensory stimulation is
incorporated into well-defined treatment procedures and protocols,
which are intended to create states of balanced or dual attention to
facilitate information processing.

EMDR is used within an 8-phase approach to trauma treatment (Shapiro,
1995, 2001) in order to insure sufficient client stabilization and
reevaluation before, during and after the processing of distressing
and traumatic memories and associated stimuli. In Phases 3 – 6,
standardized steps must be followed to achieve fidelity to the
method. In the other 4 phases there is more than one way to achieve
the objectives of each phase. However, as it is a process, not a
technique, it unfolds according to the needs and resources of the
individual client in the context of the therapeutic relationship.
Therefore, different elements may be emphasized or utilized
differently depending on the unique needs of the particular client.
To achieve comprehensive treatment effects a three-pronged basic
treatment protocol is used to first address past events. After
adaptive resolution of past events, current stimuli still capable of
evoking distress are processed. Finally future situations are
processed to prepare for possible or likely circumstances.

VII. Fidelity in application through training and observation
It is central to EMDR that positive results from its application
derive from the interaction between clinician, method and client.
Therefore graduate education in a mental health field (e.g., clinical
psychology, psychiatry, social work, counseling, or marriage and
family therapy) leading to eligibility for licensure, certification
or registration, along with supervised training, are considered
essential to achieve optimal results. Meta-analytic research
(Maxfield & Hyer, 2002) indicates that degree of fidelity to the
published EMDR procedures is highly correlated with the outcome of
EMDR procedures. Evidence of fidelity in procedure and
appropriateness of protocol is considered central to both research
and clinical application of EMDR.

On Oct 4, 2007, at 5:16 PM, mamolie wrote:

Hi hope,

I do the same thing. I am doing so much research trying to sort this all out and not having a professional diagnoses makes it difficult. I have noticed that there are a lot of similarities of different disorders that also pertain to my husband. I’m finding it all to be confusing. I have read that it is possible to have more than one disorder but to what extent I’m not sure. I used to think my husband was bipolar but then I came across the narcissist information and controlling behaviors and those characteristics fit him to a T. They sounded way more like him but still there are some things of bipolar that also sound like him.

I know I’m not answering your questions but I think these are maybe questions that only a professional could answer for you. It just seems so many of them interlock or overlap that it is really confusing to know for sure unless you have the training and know what to really look for in a specific diagnosis. I’m sure there are traits that separate them all apart and if you could speak to a professional in this field they would probably be able to help differentiate them.

Anyways good luck I hope you can find the answers you are looking for. I am wondering myself so I’ll keep checking to see what responses you get from others. Maybe someone will be able to clarify things for a lot of us.

Scientific research has established EMDR as effective for post
traumatic stress. However, clinicians also have reported success
using EMDR in treatment of the following conditions:

panic attacks
complicated grief
dissociative disorders
disturbing memories
phobias
pain disorders
eating disorders
performance anxiety
stress reduction
addictions
sexual and/or physical abuse
body dysmorphic disorders
personality disorders

On Oct 4, 2007, at 5:16 PM, mamolie wrote:

Think about what you have lived through and put up with from them. Narcissists and abusers do not have empathy, that is why they treat you so badly over and over. You can not have any kind of a relationship with out empathy, that is the ability to connect to you, your feelings, and how their behavior hurts you. A person with empathy would not consistantly keep hurting someone they love. You or I would never treat another human being with such disregard and keep repeating such inhumane behavior over and over. You may never get the diagnoses, I never did when we went for help, so many therapists are ignorant to this disorder. Most us, after suffering years of abuse, crazy making and mind games, search for the answer to SAVE OUR SANITY. A tiny spark in our broken and crushed spirit, says this can’t be all me, we start to wake up and search for answers. Our spirit is crying out to live the life we were meant to live, not what we have lived. They do not know there is a thing wrong with them. If you would just get your act together and do everything you are suppose to do and find a way to love being abused, being a slave and serving him, everything would be fine.You are the problem,not them. They are broken and can’t be fixed, they can not love you for who you are, they can not love anyone, you already know something is wrong from what you have endured, you don’t need a name for it, time to honor your spirit and start taking care of you, you deserve a life, you deserve to be loved for who you are, you did not deserve what you got. I will bump up a post , should you stay or leave for you to read. Hugs mamolie

Hope,all of us tell you to start taking care of you,and everyday you keep writing about your ex,still trying to figure him out and make him better and help him.Has’nt the hell you’ve been through enough?It’s good to understand what has happened to you in order to heal but no matter what name you feel comfortable in calling this you are a victim of abuse and that you can name!Maby instead of putting all your energy into figuring him out ask yourself why do you allow yourself to be abused and think it’s ok.I remember once you said that you were adopted,is that right?If this is true then maby more of the issue you’re really dealing with is rejection and abandenment.Deep inside of you,do you feel unworthy of love?unloveable?If this is true then maby he came into your life so you can for the first time in your life deal with the root of you.Focus on you!I hope this was’nt to strong.

I read this and I see your point Mary. It is better to concentrate
on my your OWN flaws and why you let
people like this into your life ( although you DON’T KNOW UNTIL IT IS
TOO LATE). In my therapy, I got
to the CORE ROOT (ROOT CANAL) of the problem…Hope (AND
EVERYONE), it is time to get to yours.

DID YOUR FATHER ABUSE YOU? DID YOUR BROTHER ABUSE YOU? DID YOUR
MOTHER ABUSE YOU? WHO WAS THE REAL NARCISSIST IN YOUR FAMILY.

Thank GOD my husband is SO FAR from NPD, it is NUTS. I got lucky. I
DATED MANY ASSHOLES, AND I KNEW DEEP INSIDE THAT I COULD NOT
END UP WITH ONE OR I WOULD HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. IT WAS A
CONTINUOUS CYCLE OF DESTRUCTION. UNHEALTHY AND ABUSIVE. I HAD TWO
ASSHOLES TO COPE WITH MY WHOLE LIFE, WHY ADD TO THE STRESS? MY
HUSBAND IS A GEM…HE ADORES MY SPIRIT AND PERSONHOOD…WE HAVE A
FUNCTIONING RELATIONSHIP… THEY ARE OUT THERE LADIES, I
PROMISE…

On Oct 4, 2007, at 6:47 PM, maryb2100 wrote:

i have a fabulous therapist who says that " if it walks like an N and talks like an N… then its an N." he came to this conclusion after only two hours, two sessions, with my ex. i tried to give my therapist all kinds of other conclusions to keep MY hope alive that he could be helped. my therapist said that he is probably a “soup pot” of different mental and emotional disorders, that N’s ususually are … but they are still an N. plain and simple… can’t change that - best to stop trying to. maybe just try to get through one day without trying to figure him out… or even yourself for that matter. take a break from the mental torture… GET OUT OF YOUR OWN HEAD! do something nice just for you… take a walk by the water, go to the book store or buy some shoes. just do something other than obsess about him and what he is.

I know you are all right and I say the same thing to myself! And I can’t stop! I feel pathetic! I know that I can’t do anything and I have never felt worse than now. this is the ultimate pain. Yesterday I cried so hard for hours and hours and hours and it wouldn’t stop!

Now, I am sitting here reading and trying to still figure this out and still pissed at him and he is telling me he wants to have a heart to heart and he tries and then he hangs up on me and blah blah blah, I hate myself right now and I can’t stand that I am doing this.

I do know I have a deep fear of abandonment. no doubt on so many levels. I was adobpted and abadoned by multiple boyfriends in cruel ways including now and I keep going back!

My mom was an N and I hate saying that … I just started thinking it… I had to take care of her and she was sick mentally my whole life.

my dad left and came back but never left left.

My brother is an N for sure!

It is like an addiction.

why can’t I stop?

I know. I know that I sound like have no brains and I know I always want to fix and help and asasume the best of people and I never want to give up on people. I hate that. People give up on me and it sucks.

My dear Hope,I am adoped too.I’m 50 years old and I spent 45 years of my life looking at myself through my birth fathers eyes.I was’nt conciously doing it but none the less I still was.I read Dr.Phils book I think its called self matters.It;s deep.You go way back into your past in order to find the root problem.I always had abandenment and rejection issues do to the fact of being adopted.I found my birth parents and was rejected a second time by them.I truely believed that I was unloveable,unworthy,and unwanted.No wonder that the men that came into my life treated me so wrong!I was subconsiously drawing people to me who validated my low selfesteem.I moved to another state and started over.Thats when I really found my true identity.I went to a great church and the preacher spoke about -You are who God says you are.I was believing lies all my life about myself.I found myself when I was all alone.I found the truth!If you look back on everything that I have writtened to you,you will see that I keep telling you the same things over and over.I am speaking to you out of my own experiances and my heart.PLEASE grasp what I’m saying because I really understand the pain.I know the cycle of abuse.You have not said if you have children,if you do you have to break this cycle you don’t want your children to suffer this.My husband who was an N killed himself,the day before he killed himself I talked to our councelor and told him that I was being abused and that I was’nt ganna allow myself and especially my son to be abused.He knew about NPD and knew my husband and he told me to get out while I still can,the next day he killed himself.This has been the most tramatic event of my life,but even so had he not killed himself I would have still stood my ground and gone on with my life.I refuse to allow anyone to abuse my kids and I wont allow abuse to come to myself either.Why? because now I know my value and worth and NO ONE will ever take that away from me .Live in truth,love youself!

Hi, everyone,

New resources regarding dual diagnosis and comorbidity in the Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD)

Pathological Narcissism and Other Mental Health Disorders

Narcissism with Other Mental Health Disorders (Co-morbidity)

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq82.html

Eating Disorders and Personality Disorders

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq65.html

Misdiagnosing Narcissism - The Bipolar I Disorder

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal71.html

Misdiagnosing Narcissism - Asperger’s Disorder

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal72.html

Misdiagnosing Narcissism - Generalized Anxiety Disorder

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal93.html

Homosexual Narcissists

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq18.html

Inverted (covert) Narcissism

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq66.html

Depression and the Narcissist

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq17.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal83.html

Narcissists, Inverted Narcissists and Schizoids

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq67.html

Narcissism, Substance Abuse, and Reckless Behaviours

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal66.html

The Roots of Pedophilia

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/pedophilia.html

Narcissism, Psychosis, and Delusions

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal91.html

Take care.

Sam Vaknin
Author of “Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited”

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html
----- Original Message -----
From: “hopetoday” npd-cpt6198@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Thursday, October 04, 2007 10:31 PM
Subject: [npd] another thought… could it be?

I was reading through all of the comments. I understand why you need answers about this relationship. I don’t know about you but for myself finding the answers seems to validate to me that my wanting to get away from him is a good thing and justifiable. Maybe you are just looking for validation for what you are feeling, for wanting to leave him and for your fears. Maybe when you truly feel validated you can get away from him and start thinking more clearly. I think it is so confusing when you keep talking to them, they keep trying to pull you in and then you are left hanging. If you could make the choice for yourself to let go and then not talk to him it may be less confusing. I tried to leave my husband 2 times before and I was doing the same thing that you are. We would fight/argue and then make up. I would hate him one moment then find myself feeling sorry for him or loving him again. I would answer his calls, talk to him in his car, go out to dinner etc., etc., etc. Now I am fully understanding what he was doing and why I went back. I always tried to convince myself that I went back to try to make it work so that I would know if it was possible to save the relationship. I now have confirmation/validation that no matter how many times I try and no matter how nice he becomes that things will always go back to the way they were. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like that especially since the older he is getting the worse he is getting. I feel like I have wasted 25 years of my life but had it not been for him I would not have had my beautiful children. So, I don’t regret ever marrying him or what I have learned but I regret that he is the way he is. Because of this I am forced to go a different direction in my life and I only hope that I can make good decisions for myself. I can’t change the past but I can change my future.

I too was adopted. I was in foster homes that were abusive and finally adopted by abusive parents. I went from abusive parents to marrying at age 19, the same year I graduated, to marrying an abusive man. I have been living in abusive situations my whole life. I am terrified that I will be drawn in by another abusive person again but I am hoping that by getting counseling, being more educated and aware of what I am doing as well as others that I will be able to make better choices for myself and finally cut the cord of being the victim. Being the victim is all I know and I fully understand why. I need to feel needed, like I am doing some good and with my husband eventhough he was abusive I think I always knew that he had needs. I think I was always wanting to fix his problems or at least be there to help him with them. I was the counselor, although he never listened to me it somehow made me feel like I was helping. The reality was that I was just being used and abused and totally unaware of it. Sometimes I wonder that if a person is abused, he/she will either become an abuser or a victim again and again. I am hoping to break this cycle in my life. I am finally getting fed up with poor me, poor me. I am tiered of crying, feeling hurt and feeling trapped. I want to be good to myself for a change and start doing what I want to do instead of what he wants me to do. I do have to admit though, that I have lost touch with myself in regards to what I want or like. I am so used to doing whatever that doing for myself is going to be a challenge for me.

I also think that some of it may be mourning. I know that sounds maybe crazy but think about it for a while. Does the sound of losing this relationship make you feel like you are losing a part of your dreams? We all have an image of how we want our lives to be and when we fall off that path it is very much like losing something very dear to our heart. I know that after 25 years with my husband and now closing this relationship I am in deep mourning. Mostly because the dream of sharing the rest of my life with a man I love and I thought would be there for me is completely shattered. The life that I will now be leading is totally different than the life I was imagining myself to have. I am in many ways losing a loved one although I never really understood that, until now, that I never really had him in the first place. Mourning is a completely different emotion and handled in many different ways. When you are crying if you are feeling a deep sense of loss you may be in mourning. Until you get through that process it will be hard to move on. My advice is to take your time through this process, allow yourself to feel all of the emotions and then allow yourself to let go and start healing. Maybe if you can see it this way it will be more clear to you as to why you are feeling the way you do.

Lastly, it is ok to cry, to fall apart but you need to pick yourself up when all is said and done. Learn from it and when the time is right move on. Don’t give yourself time limits just allow the emotions to be felt. If you cry all day then that’s what you need to do. Eventually, you will find that there is nothing more to cry about. Eventually you will be able to regroup and stand tall. That day will happen for you, you just have to believe it. You will need to get rid of the things in life that bring you down, that destroy you as a person, that force you to be this sad heartbroken individual.

Hope, I think you sound like a very sweet person with a heart as big as the planet. I think you are heartbroken and are terribly confused. I think you are trying to hold onto something that is very harmful to your very being. I wish you could let go but you will need to let go for yourself and only when you are ready. I also wish I could sway a magic wand and make things all better for you too but I can’t. You need to be you, you need to feel and mostly you need to take care of yourself. You will find your way and you will find those who are willing to help too. Try to smell the roses along the way when you can, enjoy the little things everyday for this will help keep your sanity. It brings you closer to the reality that life can be good.

Yes, you all have part of it right. So much of it…

The weird thing is… he can go days without contacting me and I always contact him. I just want to know if he will respond or not.

The other day, I sent him a message saying that I needed him and my world was falling apart and that I was sad and know he cannot fix it but that I just wanted him there to make me feel safe and know someone was there when I was feeling so sad and hurt. Was going to a funeral and he did not even ask who died and sent me into more hurt becasue I elduded to the fact it was someone super close and that I missed my flight and that I was feeling like I could not function and it did not seem like he cared and really… all I did was tell him how bad I was hurt, how he did not care, how that hurt me and how that I really needed him this one time to be there for me… and that… I am asking and for me to ask that must mean it is serious since I never ask or reach out and say I want help.

I got word a dear friend of mine’s father died right after I spent all week crying and the whole day crying …

I don’t want to let go of my dream.
I feel confused.
I want answers.

i feel torn inside.

i am sick of myself. I am sick of reading about this.

I want something to go the way I dream it.

I feel like I never get what I dream of and that everyone else has the dream.

Hi Hope,

Hey it can get better.

Do me a favour and go get a simpleology account right now. Can you Promise? The basic accounts are free. Start the program and do it everyday.

You need to be nice to yourself, sure that matters, but there is also a lot of growing up that you have avoided. I am not being mean I am just telling you the truth. That’s what happens when you grow up with parents who are still children. You don’t learn to be an adult.

Whatever you have been really putting off in your life - it is time to face the fear and do it. Is it your taxes? Get in and make a start. Is it your finances. Get your pencil sharpened and get out your bank statements and find the leaks. Is it attracting the right men? Well do a dating course, there are heaps of good ones online. Is it getting your house and clothes clean and sorted out or a better job, or your resume up to date? Is it improving your skills and employment options? Is it finding somewhere that you love and feel comfortable to live? Whatever of these or similar is your BIGGEST fear, well tackle that one first. You will be scared as hell, but do it anyway. Ask for help, sure, but do not lean on anyone else, you need to take the steps.

Nothing impresses guys more than a girl who is diciplined and has her act together. That takes time set aside every day taking care of your resources inner and outer. That takes forming new and better habits. That takes having your eye on where you are going, not where you have been.

You want him back? Well it sounds like he is a child still too! So who is going to lead the way to safety for you two? He doesn’t know what he wants and he is hurting and been hurt and wants to be loved too. He can’t help you if you are crying for hours everyday, whatever his problems. Looking at his distotions and his fear won’t get you strong or clear. Set some goals for yourself. Make steps towards them every day. You won’t have a good relationship with someone until you face the growing up you need to do. That is simple truth.

Good men respect solid and strong women and solid and strong women are powerful medicine for bad men! Either way aim for strength and hold your own. Get your foundations and footing really firm.

I hope you are sleeping deeply Hope, I know that you will find some strong and kind parent figures soon. Tears that accept futility bring a new day. Tears of self pity only bring more tears. The way you are going is not going to work. It is futile and that is sad. Have a cry about that and make a start on a new beginning. You can adapt once you have accepted that it is futile. You will not find answers by looking at the twisting and turnings of his and your minds. Make your mind obey you again. Tell it to do something and do it! Then give yourself a tick! See I took that step - tick, see I told myself to get up and get on with my day and I did - tick. Give yourself a tick everytime that your mind obeys you even for the most simple things. You will soon be back in charge.