Hi. I’m Chris (male) and getting a divorce after 8 years. I can’t call them “happy” years, although the divorce isn’t exactly my idea. I’ve read a bit about personality disorders and see a lot of my wife there, but also see some of myself there too. When I look at our behavior objectively then she would fall under the label of narcissistic while I would be the co-dependent. But I think she thinks I’m the “disturbed” person. It’s rare that we communicate at all and even when we do it’s via email. I certainly admit that I’ve been less functional as the years have gone by, but I think the emotional demands of the relationship may be somewhat responsible for this. She’s an actress and we were living in L.A. (expensive) and it sort of expected that I would earn much of our keep. Just a few months earlier I’d been a serious car accident that put me in a coma for a coule weeks. I was released from the hospital after a 10 week stay in which I had to re-build my atrophied muscles and re-learn to walk. I hadn’t fully recovered when I had to be responsible for maintaining our apartment rent as well as other expenses including my wife’s expensive acting classes. She also had/has body issues and so she was seeing janet jackson’s nutritionist ($$$) and spending tons on supplements, etc. When I’d ask her to find a job and help contribute to our expenses she’d cray and wail and I’d feel so guilty that I’d end up relenting. AFter a few years I called her on this manipulatively teary display and the performance halted for a moment as she appeared to try to figure out how to find her footing again. Anyway, years of this caused my symptoms to worsen. I started to develop some severe sleep distrubance symptoms (which my wife resented because they disturbed her sleeping in). I also had gastrointestinal trouble (stress symptoms). I preferred to think this was residual stuff from the car accident I was in, but it was alway aggrivated by stress, and my marriage was stressful. Once I came home from work and passed out I summoned the courage to put my foot down and told her I couldn’t keep this up any longer and I wanted to go back to my parent’s home in a different state and get my health straightened out. She begged my to reconsider and I stayed. But after a year I told her she could stay if she wanted, but I was leaving. She came with me. Even though I was free of the stress of living in L.A. and paying rent I was still married, stressed, and not getting any better. AFter a couple years my wife was having a premiere of the one movie she was able to do opening in L.A. and I told her that she should go out there for it and lay all the groundwork to capitalize on the premiere and finally land an agent - something that had eluded her for our 5 years in LA. She stayed with friends instead of getting an apartment as I didn’t see any reason for that until she got her agent. I paid for everything to help her lay the groundwork (new headshots, online resume services, new clothes, going to the salon, etc.) The premiere happened and she didn’t land an agent and then she became very cold towards me. She eventually asked me if she could get this apartment in L.A. and when I asked her about her prospects in landing an agent because I didn’t see the point in going back to L.A. without one, she told me that our lives were going in two different directions. “is this about the apartment or something else?” “something else.” “are you talking about divorce?” “I don’t know.” I don’t mean to include every detail - 8 years worth. I’m sorry to drone on and on. She’s been in L.A. for over a year and it appears we’re headed for divorce. As horrible this has felt, my mind keeps reminding me that “this isn’t a bad thing.” Even though I feel bad my head keeps telling me it’s a relief. And my health has improved over the time she’s been gone. When I have to deal with the details of the divorce I sometimes feel stress symptoms still, but anyway, there it is. Thanks for reading all this - sorry it’s so long - I’ve actually condensed it considerably. I’m sure she thinks I’m the “diseased” one. She was reading “co-dependent no more” by beattie but I’m not a drinker and that book’s about being so co-dependent you put up with the abuse of living with an alcoholic. She got whatever she wanted except when I was too exhausted to continue working for her career in L.A. and she “had” to come back to live in my parent’s home with me. I’m not proud of that, but it was impossible to provide a home (not an apt.) in L.A. while I covered her acting classes and weight loss expenses (not to mention she had to buy all the right clothes and handbags that he rich working actor friends were wearing to class). My parents tried to make her feel welcome. She was so concerned with her body that my parent’s bought her her personal fridge so she could keep her personal foods there and not have to see all the “off-limits” food my parents ate. I think it must’ve been tough living with an often physically ill person, but I think that much of those symptoms were a byproduct of our horrible relationship. I’m trying to look at it objectively but it’s a subjective p.o.v. regardless. That’s why I present this account to y’all in the hopes of getting yoru thoughts. Am I crazy?
Man, you are so NOT crazy. As Mamolie told me, nobody’s perfect and couples work things out in a healthy relationship. My Narcissistic ex-boyfriend made me feel like I could do nothing right. After years of that your really are not your self anymore. You compensate with coping mechanisms. You argue less to keep the peace, let them have there way. Swallow alot, ignore alot. And it manifests itself in migraines, IBS, anxiety, etc. You actress wife thinks you should do whatever you can to support her advancement. Let’s say she does “MAKE IT” who’s to say she’s going to want you there? She may trade up to someone else who’s MADE IT. So she doesn’t have to be seen with you. I’m not being mean so forgive me. But this is just how they “narcissist” think. You could jump through hoops trying to make that woman happy and because it’s all about her it will never be enough. This behavior left me feeling empty and disposable. I’m in the process of breaking away from mine. It hurts but I know I’m doing the right thing. There’s no point staying in a relationship when your needs don’t get met. Easier said then done I know.
I am so sorry that you had to experience all that, there was nothing wrong with you, you would never be able to do enough for her or please her, sorry to say but narcissists just" use" people and dispose of them when they no longer need you. It is all about them, their stress, their life, their needs, you do not matter or count at all, unless they still need you, then they become that person, you think you love, the one you want to be with. It is a terrible disorder, not for them but the people who love and care about them.I loved my husband, I look back now at it all and wonder what did I love, the crumbs of kindness that were mixed in with the horrible person he was most of the time. I guess we get hooked in becasue it is beyond comprehension, to a feeling person that there are people who can not feel or love, but that is what it is, they look and act like normal people, they can say all the right words when they need to, but they are just words with no feeling at all in them. It is a very painfull, to face that, but you must, there is no hope for a relationship, just pain and suffering. I have read that most actors and actresses are narcissists, don’t go looking for any more aspiring actresses, remember the red flags also, there are more out there, you deserve so much more in life, it goes by so quickly, start taking of yourself and slowly get back to doing the things that you enjoy.Be patient with yourself, it takes a long time to get them out of your head. I lived through all the stages and aging with a narcissists, I have experienced it all, they suck the life out of you, but my spirit could not be broken nor my capacity to love, The rest of my life is all about “ME”, I learned that from him the hard way. Hugs mamolie
thanks mamolie and doubleDee.
I’m riddled often with self-doubts and I appreciate your relating your personal experiences/wisdom. You buoy me up. It helps to know that others have experienced similar stuff - so much so that they can list all the things I ended up doing, without my even telling them (coping mechanisms, swallowing, denying. as well as the physical symptoms - headaches, IBS, anxiety). Thank you both so much.
Oh, to find a love that is reciprocal. I’m tired of these one way streets.
I’m glad to have friends like you, albeit via the impersonal internet forum, to help shoulder my burden. Thank you for listening and for providing me with your support.
Wow, it’s amazing how similar these stories sound isn’t it? I’m sorry you had to go through all of that also. I do believe it can make you sick.
One thing that sounded familiar is that my son kept telling me after he got out of that situation, after only almost 2 years is that he lost who he was.
He wasn’t doing any of the things he enjoyed any longer. It was always what she wanted to do. She didn’t even want him to go to work! He actually quit his job so he could spend more time with her. Her and her family had money so he didn’t have to worry about it but let me tell you, he paid dearly for it. I say now that he was basically paid to entertain her and wait on her hand and foot. Amazing.
I think you are right that it is probably a good thing that she is moving on. You will wonder what the heck you were thinking in the not too distant future I would guess. I think it’s good that she is the one and not you that is wanting a divorce. Who knows what she might act like if it was the other way around.
I agree with what that other post said about you would never be able to do enough. I think that is so true. YOU can’t make someone happy. Period. That never works.
Good luck to you. I hope everything works out and you meet someone someday that will care about you as much as you do them.
No need for thank you’s. This site has become my lifeline and vehicle for healing. 12:32am on Saturday morning and I’m here writing to you. I’ve had alot of ups and downs today. Moving on isn’t easy especially when your life has revolved around someone elses needs. It’s like now what? Try to look at the now what moments with expectation and hope! Because “now what” is whatever YOU make it. This breaking up stuff is alot like detox. I’ve never been addicted to anything except chocolate. But I was addicted to my Narcissist ex BF. And I think I’m getting over the hump. My 'now what" moments are being filled with plans of my own making. Instead of tears. It’s a day by day process, and you will still love, and you will miss. But never enough to compromise your core again. The love is good, the love is what God gave his only son for (I know I’m getting deep here). What I’m trying to say is we will love again. And what will the Narcissist have?
Thanks everybody. Regarding ups and downs I usually have an up day followed by a down one. It reminds me of a saying my friend told me many years ago: "Happiness follows sorrow. Sorrow follows happiness. When one no longer distinguishes between the two, he will find true freedom."
I feel like that has applied to me over the past year. Some days I’d have intense withdrawal symptoms and my brain was racing to figure out how to put a stop these horrible feelings. But feelings pass. If you act on the feelings you often end up doing things that you wouldn’t be proud of. So even though today is a down day, I know that feelings are transient and that they will pass without me having to stress about it. Be still, and know that I am God - that type of thing. I just keep pluggin’ away with my life. We’ve twisted ourselves into pretzels trying to please the narcissists in our lives, and so there’s nothing else we can do to provide them the happiness they hunger for so dysfunctionally. I feel a lot of pity for my wife and the rest of the NPDs, and the vows of marriage made me feel an overwhelming obligation to this sick person. In spite of my occasional withdrawal symptoms (which are becoming less and less intensely painful) I’m grateful that fate has released me from the bonds of the marriage vows. There were so many times during my marriage when I longed to be free of my marriage, but I kept repeating to myself “…for better or for worse. It’s worse, so make it better.” I guess I’m an advocate of keeping your word. I couldn’t have left my wife. she was so sad and …pitiable (it sounds better than “pathetic”) that I could never bring myself to leave her.
You’re right. It’s better to be left by the narcissist, than to try and leave her. I’m not divorced yet and I’m sure that’s going to be difficult in itself. I’m trying to be nice and keep it friendly so she doesn’t try and inflict unnecessary harm. I’m a little scared her support group (new narcissistic L.A. friends) are trying to make me into as much of a villain as they can (typical people are all good or all bad stuff) so I don’t want to give them any ammo. Thanks again everyone.