Bad Judgement

Bipolar
#1

Hi there, i'm new here and fighting with bipolar depression.  This past week i've felt I was on a high trying to do too much of everything.  Am trying to get a good balance in my life, I went through 5 terrible years of severe depression with mood swings, racing thoughts, etc.  then lost my father.  Does everyone with bipolar disorder make bad decisions.  I could have really got myself in trouble this past weekend and am really scared and depressed.  I do have good supports in place but am being very hard on myself at the moment.  It seems like everything has been a struggle for me.  How do you find that right balance?  Any advice would be appreciated.  Thanks.

Lisa20cb

#2

Thanks for the messages, it seems I start doing well then I slide back again.  It's been a real struggle to maintain balance. I've been pushing myself alot the last few weeks doing more than I have in a long time.  Then go and do something stupid and now very depressed plus ran into an unexpected situation seeing someone I haven't seen in about 16 years that did alot of damage.  I was really caught off guard and kind of went manic with the drinking.  I was really frightened in the situation.  I suffer from panic disorder too and my anxiety levels have been higher this past week.  Sorry for venting just feeling scared and alone. 

Lisa

#3

Sorry to here you are having a hard time… I think it has alot to do with the time of yr. also… Oh I have made a lot of mistakes , and beat myself up for a long time… I just try to not repeat them! sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t. Just keep trying!!

#4

i know i made bad decisions in the past overspending cheating on my wife doing drugs hiding all this from everyone. as far as finding balance that has taken time and talk therapy and a few med changes i’m a year away from my first episiode and hope not to ever have another time will tell hope this helped a little

#5

by the way i’m bp 1 rapid cycler

#6

Lisa, You are definitely not alone on trying to find balance ... or any of the others issues you stated.  I'm bipolar II with anxiety and insomnia.  I know exactly what you're talking about.  You didn't mention if you are on meds or not??  I found that once my doc added a second anti-depressant to my med mix I don't beat myself up too badly with the past and things seem to be going a lot better.  I'm on Lamictal (for bp), Wellbutrin XL & Prozac for depression, Xanax for panic and insomnia meds (Rozerem & Ambien).  Before the Prozac was added, my mind was screaming faster than a speeding bullet, and the moods were trying to keep up!  I guess you could say my bipolarness went into high gear after my father suddenly passed away, too (about 4 years ago). 

Seems you've come to the right place.  Feel free to share with me here or post a private message.  I'll be happy to help as much as I can.  Be well ....

#7

Lisa,

I had to same sort of thing happen to  me not long ago.. Only instead of running into someone I found out my friend took his own life ..And it knocked the wind out of me and thats all I could think about for a month..

Thinking if only I would have been there for him and what would have been different if we would have made a life together..things like that.. it even haunted me in my sleep! Its like my mind never shut down.. Then I have a few panic attacks and then I'm fine for awhile..

You can post me anytime you need to chat..

 

#8

i'm bp 1 rapid cycler and understand completely. I spent the past 3 yrs doing the oddest things with dangerous people who dragged me into dangerous lifestyles. Im out of it now but its till there haunting me and left me feeling exposed and guilty. All happend post bro suicide. He bipolar too. Hung himself. It was one of very many attempts but i cant recover from it. My father killed himself slowly with drugs, finally leaving me 2005 a yr after bro. My nan died painfully, mths later. In between all this i punished myself more with awfull behaviour...drugs, bad co and well...regrettable behaviour i cant even talk abt.

Dont kick yourself...its the bipolar that makes it happen, learn to use medications and gp's to take control of it. I have finally now with the support of my fiance too. Good luck. Your never alone/or totally responsible.

#9

shah,

So sorry to hear that your life has been hard for along time.. And I think we all found this site to be able to talk to one another to get through the rough spots.. We can't undo our past but we can forgive .. That is the first step to recovery I think.. Just like the saying * Pick yourself up by your boot straps and dust yourself off* And go forward...

Anyone that has a mental illness has a tough journey ahead.. But we have to not give up..If you ever need to chat drop me a line.. I wish you a happier tomorrow..

           Diana

#10

Balance is hard to come by for anyone and even more difficult for bi polar people.  I know I have a hard time with defining what makes me balanced.  I know I have been rapid cycling but to be honest I like life on the upswing when I am hypomanic.  I like not being tired and having the energy to get things done and the desire to do them (cleaning-sex...things I tend to put off when I am on the downswing).  I like the rush of all that and don't really want to be balanced because I am not sure I know what my "balance" is.  I have been up and down for so many years that I can't imagine what the me is that isn't up and down.

I also know I make bad judgement calls when I am hypomanic.  At the time they seem like good ideas (such as getting 2 kittens instead of 1 when our other cat passed on) and stopping for coffee at Barnes and Noble and buying 5 books instead of the coffee and pretzel I can afford) or staying up all night reading when I should be sleeping. 

Anyhow-I wish you luck with fighting your issues.  I am finding it hard to get the treatment I want for the issues I have.  They either over medicate me to the point where I am numb and useless or they try to hard to treat me with talk therapy which brings up things that make me feel bad and make the symptoms worse.

Hang in there-sounds silly to say but there isn't much to offer you for advice other than hang in there and find a doctor that listens to you and works with you.

 

#11

hello lisa my names fizzy, ive got bi-polar2 have you got any medication or disscused it at all, the thing with me is trhat iam just on mood stabilsers i have gone through every lot of anti-depressants through the years and they have not worked, ive only been on these for 4 mths ive no idea if there working at all coz i still feel crap!!! but so many people on this website answered my smoke flare, stick around wont you - fizzy1