Beautiful outside, I am inside

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

It is georgeous outside, the most beautiful day and I do not want to go out there. I feel like I should force myself and I just don’t want to go!

I am here writing on careplace and trying to make sense of it all.

I am sure my N is out doing something fun, not thinking about me.

I am sitting here trying to fix my broken self and feelings sorry for myself and too depressed to do anything.

just trying to make sense of it all.

how to solve and stop this maddness.

feeling bad that I stooped to his level, hating myself for doing things that are wrong… for acting like a sad pathetic person, crying, begging, please stay, please love me… acting like a crazy person, breaking and pushing and name calling…

so now, he just thinks I am crazy!

he tells me all these things, like I need help, go check myself in to a hospital, I need to find someone else, he does not need my abuse anymore, I am not good for him, he is walking away from this toxic relastionship.

why am i left here feeling like the bad person???

why does this hurt so bad?

why do I want him?

and then now… I have guilt for not wanting to go outside when it is beautiful out! Letting him get the best of me where I don’t want to leave bed and can’t see past right now.

#2

you are not a pathetic person! you are a strong loving woman that cares deeply for another person. you are going through the grieving process and you will go back and forth for some time until you come to acceptance. i am sure you know the stages…still, it is okay to be sad. let our self FEEL for a while. BUT!, give yourself a time limit. okay, i will be sad for another hour and then i will take a bubble bath and have a glass of wine or do something else. you are allowed to be ssad but you ar not allowed to let it consume you. this will take a long time for you to heal. do not be so hard on yourself! your whole world has been shattered. eat ice cream, lay in bed, cry! but-only for an hour. then get mad! anger is a healthy emotion. use it! think about how wonderful you are and how he will never know what it is to be with you because YOU won’t have it! after all, it is just as much your decision as his. take that from him. he does not even hae to know. tell yourself it is your choice that you will not be treatedthis way. you deserve better!
hugs

#3

THANK YOU JACY!!!

#4

hopetoday - I find myself in that state of mind often and I HATE pity parties - I get really angry at myself for allowing circumstances and other people to dictate how I am feeling. What I find works when I’m feeling like you are now is to do just what was recommended. Do it - grieve - get it out of your system and then move on. I will play music that I KNOW is going to make me confront my demons - remind me of him, make me sad, hurt - whatever! I allow myself a good cry and I find that, if I do, I get over the mood much quicker than if I try to not dwell and be sad. Does that make any sense? And then, when all else fails, sometimes I “fake it until I make it” - I make myself watch something funny or do something silly (even if I DO NOT want to ) and I find it always helps.

Take care - stop beating yourself up - you deserve it ALL!
Angie