Betrayed in the worst way

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

A long while back I started to keep a journal with my husband as a way to keep in touch when we are so busy.... Its been a wonderful thing for us so I then made the same suggestion to my daughter who is 16,  She chose to go live with her fater 2 years ago and I thought a back-and-forth journal between the 2 of us would be such a way for ust to keep close.

Well I found her mother/daughther journal.  It was with her STEP MOTHER not me.  I WAS THE ONE WHO SUGGESSTED IT TO HER AND I WAS THE ONE THAT EVEN BOUGHT HER THAT FUCKING JOURNAL TO BEGIN WITH

now I don't have a daughter. She made ther choice as to who her mother is and it sure as shit isn't me.

All my life I've YEARNED  for my mother and didn't have one.  Then I yearned for a daughter to have that relationship with.... Now I realize that I will never be the one who she goes to in troubled times, happy times, prom, virginity, marriage, babies.  It will be her.

Those who don't know me and my stories wont understand. The only reason I have made it this far in life was because ofmy kids.  NOw I see how worthless I am even to them... so disposable.

The ONLY thing stopping me from going upstairs and overdosing on every med I have, and I've got tons... is my fear of being noticed and ending up rushed to the hospital and we don't have health insurance.  The kind of luck I have (none) t ha'ts what would happen to me.

I've never wanted to die more in my life thatn i do right now.

As soon as Phil wakes up I'm telling him to take that girl back to HER home.  I don't ever want her here again.  I dont' ever want to see her or talk to her.  This is the last time I'm going to allow her to cause me this much mpain.  My heart cfannot handle this kind of rotten teanage 'get back' for god knows what I did.  Oh yheat, I had srugery that put too much pressue on her.  Thats what I did.

If she wanted to move back with me tomorrow I'd say no.  If we werent moving soon(hopefully) I wlould let Josh move into her room like hes been asking...but I say no cuz it's her room.  Fuck that.  And in our new house. I am not making considerations for her there either... not looking for a 4th bedroom that will cost an extra $50000.  she is not worth it.

i want to die now.

#2

I hope you dont take offence at the following post..

(((((hugs))))))  I have some idea of how a betrayal by our daughters can hurt. I too lived for my children.  When my 13? yr old daughter left to go and live with her father she immediately started calling his girlfriend "mom" and stopped calling me her mother. Her "my mother" meant she was refering to this other (who wasnt even living with her father!).  She totally refused to call me mum any more.  She didnt tell me when she got her first period, didnt allow me to take her out to by her first bra etc etc This felt like a complete betrayal and I was so upset about it.

 One thing I had to remember thou is our children ARE CHILDREN.. and we are the Adults.  It is up to us to show them how someone should treat others by example.  I try to teach my children about unconditional love.. and let them know I always love them no matter what. 

 I can only hope that even if they do things wrong now, that when they GROW UP a little more, hopefully my example of how others should be treated will have gotten throu to them.

 If more of us had been treated with unconditional love by our parents, maybe we just wouldnt have some of the emotional problems that we have today.

#3

Sue..I cant even imagine how much that must hurt.  My girls are only babies but I want to be close to them and share everything with them and the journal things is a beautiful idea.  You want to give your daughter everything and to have the relationship that you were robbed of. I get that.  Thats why this hurts so much and that is something that I can only imagine as I have not been in your shoes.  I still have my mum.

However, you are hurting so deeply because you love your daughter right?  The anger is just your hurt coupled with feelings of fear and rejection.

You may not currently have the relationship with your daughter that you pine for but YOU are her mother and if you love her unconditionally and without judgement through all the complications and turmoils, things will change in the future.  You may never have the kind of relationship you idealise but things will improve, especially as she gets older and maybe gets married and has her own kids and then she will start looking at her life differently.

Hang in there Sue, please!

Your friend,

Poppy xx

 

#4

ooh sue my friend. when i read your post, tears sprung to my eyes. i could feel your hurt even though i don’t have children myself. i wish that i had some words of comfort to give you, but all i can say is that if you need to talk i am always here to listen. Taking your own life is not the answer to any problem. hang in there my friend. sending hugs and hugs and more hugs your way

#5

So first of all as your friend I hurt deeply for you I can even imagine the pain you must feel like your heart is crushed... May I say though there should be plenty of room for both of you in her life and in her journal. I know you just must ache in pain right now I can't even begin to say I undestand. I know how I might imagine to feel if I was in your situation with my daughter. I just don't think kids in the world we live in can ever have to many kids to care for them. I just think you might get a better result out of this if you embrace the idea of her keeping a journal with her step mother but let her know that you hurt that you are not included there's no reason you can't or should be. You will always be her Mom be biology the one who carried her and birthed her this woman can never replace that special time. As a friend I like to be honest and not let you make a mistake out of hurt and anger. Please let that not be your guide here. Take a "minute or two" of you need to but don't allow this to damage your relationship. I don't really kno where you exist in your faith but there is a bible verse I have to remember often that says something like you need"to place heaping coals of kindness into the eyes of your enemies" a tough request I know but I have found that it works cause you leave feeling uplift by the power of your choice. I feel the timing of this so strange for me as I asked God for wise words today. We are goingto meet a boy (John) who has thought my husband was his father his whole life. My hubby took as DNA test thst said he wasn't but the mom has told him this for the last 151/2 years so today I am the other woman the "step mom" I don't want to be his Mom though just another person to listen and to show him love and compassion. This post has really been a help to me I wanted to be sure to be considerate of his mother and not make her feel like she being taken over. I just want this to be about John and his need for truth ans his disiree to seek the answers h needs. Pray for us today we meet him @ 2:00pm pacific time....

Sue you will be in my heart I just hope you to recieve peace.

 

#6

Hi everyone

thank you for your responces - I want to say first and foremost I NEVER GET OFFENDED OR HURT BY PEOPLE'S HONEST OPINIONS so that said, know that if  you thought you'd make me mad, I"M NOT.

Secondly, after sleep, I'm feeling a bit better....no less betrayed or angry with Christina, but not suicidal anymore.  I still have 3 beautiful boys to live for.

That out of the way,  I got plenty of sleep after taking 2 xanax.  I woke up when my husband did and told him what had happened in t he middle of the night - As he has been with me on the roller coaster ride with her, he understands 100% of my request for him to take her home right away. 

It has been 2 1/2 years since she's moved out.  If anyone cares to read my journal regarding my first marriage, feel free.  It explains a lot about the man she chose to live with.... the man who had to be sued to pay child support, the man who never did a damn thing for his children....It was always PHIL who took care of them....down to every last detail.

Anyway, so when she moved in with him, and would come here for weekends, all we heard about was "my daddy this and my daddy that".  Phil has always been "daddy"  Todd was simply the father. Phil has been with us since she was 4 and Josh was 2.  I NEVER TOLD THEM TO CALL H IM DADDY.  THEY MADE THAT CHOICE.

Anyway...the last 2 years have been full of her finding new ways to PURPOSELY hurt me.  I believe this journal was a purposeful act.  She is a very private person.... she NEVER leaves journals laying around....ever.  When I saw this, I assumed it was a poetry book and when I opened the front cover it said "Dear Mamma, (which is MY name) Here is the book I chose to have our journal"  so I continued to read assuming it was to me.... imagine my horror and surprise when I saw her step mother's handwriting responding.

My heart has been broken by this "child" repeatedly, each time something crueler....and simply... my heart cannot take it.... she brings me closer and closer to the edge every time.  I'm done.  She made her choice.  I am not the mother she wants so I wont be.  She'd not welcome over here any more.  She has become as poison as her father.  And she spreads it just like he did.  I don't want my boys infected with it.

I know I'll never be able to make most of you understand my decision to do this.  It seems drastic and cruel.  But believe me, this is my only option left if I have any hope of retaining the little amount of love left in my heart.

Right now I don't feel it, but I know somehwre I do love her and I wll always do so but from afar.  I"m done.

#7

SUE I  AGREE WITH YOUR DECISION. ONE CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH HURT. I KNOW DOWN DEEP IN YOUR HEART YOU DO LOVE HER. SHE MADE HER CHOICE,I WOULD BE HURT,ANGRY AND BETRAYED. BIT I SAY LET GO,DON'T CONTINUE TO LET HURT YOU. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON. JUST THINK OF HOW MANY PEOPLE DO LOVE YOU,ALL OF US,AND WE WON'T BETRAY YOU.   BIG BIG BUNCHES OF HUGS    ~SAMMI~~

#8

Thanks Sammi,

I was just writing to Gramms that it is with the love and support of my friends here that I know I will make it thru this tough time for me.  This is the first time in my life I actually feel the hands on my back holding me up and pushing me forward.  I thank god for you and all my friends here.  I don't know what I would  have done if I didn't have you all.

I love all you guys so much.

Sue

#9

i’m so sorry i’m late on this…you know i love you more than anything…and i’m hurting with you more than anything right now…i support you in whatever decision you make…we’ll chat more privately…  

#10

Sue. I kinda know what you’re going through,that’s why I’ve been freaked out with my family lately.My problem is similar except my wife is there with my daughter telling her how worthless I am.I walked in last weekend and caught my daughter complaining about how her life sucked because of me.I asked my wife why she let her get away with saying stuff like that and she just shrugged her shoulders at me and started bitchin about how hard it’s been on all of them,but of course that gives them all the right in the world to trash me.I got this way by working my ass off everyday to make sure they all had what they wanted and needed.but unfortunately they never think about what I’ve done only what I can’t do anymore.I guess that’s the thanks parents get for actually giving a shit for there family.Sorry for spouting off but I do know what ya mean and want you to know if ya need a friend I’m here. Personally I think kids need a little dose of what I got when I backtalked my parents .A rosy red ass that they couldn’t sit on for about a week.

#11

Justsue, Noone can judge you, you know what you have to do to survive and that is what you must do.  I did some terrible and hurtful things when I was a teenager and feel so differently now.  I hope that your daughter will in time.  Bricklayer, please hold on to the thought that your child will grow and learn the sacrifices you have made when they have to make the same sacrifices.  I wish you both so much peace and your children too.  No matter what those children think they feel, you are thier parents and nothing can change that.

#12

Most people I know have found new understanding for their parents after becoming one themselves ...we can all pray your daughter see this as well.. I think having boundries in this maybe right and to judge your  situation it could I have no idea ho this must have shattered your heart into a million little pieces... At times on our lives some people we thought we'd always build memories with we don't because they are toxic to us other we love... the life I've lived and the things I 've seen the last few years especially (since my crohns diagnosis and wasn't available to rescue everyone)I have no room to wonder why someone would say I have to distance myself because they bring some toxic things to my life...If you feel she has a toxic effect and especially such a plotted out purposeful thing than it is an appropriate consquence for her action....it may take such a tough one for her to understand the depth of pain her choice caused ....I am glad to hear you got some rest. To much more peace..... 

#13

I have no words to properly express my gratitude for everyone's support I"ve received on this.  You all  have truly gotten me thru w/out me doing anything stupid.

It's been a day and all I can wonder is 'what is SHE thinking now'.  Does she even care?

Yesterday morning, while I was clacking away with you all, I heard a bang... my son Joey came in here with my daughters portrait saying it just fell off the wall and down the stairs by itself.  Weird, huh?  Well then he went and gave it to her and she took the pictures out of the frame. (I'm the type that just keeps adding the new pics over last years...) She took the pics home with her.  I have copies... but I don't plan on putting them up.  In fact I went around my house and put all the pics of her face down. 

Part of me feels like she's dead.  Isn't that terrible?  Part of me feels like she never even existed... I imagined it all out of desperation to have a mother daughter relationship.

I just got so sick of her comments and that was the last straw.  I'm still aching very much and cant muster up a grin at all....except when Joey tells me he loves me and hes gonna always live with me, even when he's a grown up.  He's too cute.

 

#14

Justsue, do you think that maybe you could write her a letter.  Just telling her how hurt you feel and that you need to step away for abit but that you’ll always love her… or something, you know, you are the only mother she will ever have, even if she isn’t aware of it.  Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

#15

I'm not the only mother she'll ever have.  See, unlike me, she was lucky enough to be blessed with a stepmother who truly loves her..... I don't begrudge her that at all, however, when this loving stepmother REPLACED me, that's when things went bad.

Her stepmother is tiny (thin) hip, dresses cool, is very active in skiing, snowboarding, swimming, has money, she does things with the kids, all sorts of lovable qualities.... you know, all the things a 16 year old finds important.  PLUS the fact that my daughter LIVES WITH HER.  I, on the other hand am incredibly fat and embarrassing to her, while we're not poor, we don't have money to blow on new hip clothes every week, I cant do shit with my kids because of my chronic pain, and I'm depressed all the time.  She thinks I'm a loser.

So she has proven I'm disposable because she there is someone to replace me.  Writing her now wouldn't do any good.  I might try in a while when things are little calmed down.

#16

I hear the pain in your words Sue I am so sorry for your hurt…  I wanna take it away my friend…

#17

  JustSue,

 

I am coming from the other side here, I did to my Mother what your daughter did to you, hurt and betrayed, and left her, disowned her, and made her feel that i didnt love her.

the truth was that i was young, had my head up my ass, and was selfish, confused, and my feelings changed many times.  there was a time in which i never spoke to her for two years. that must have devestated her.  i had my stupid reasons, but something happened to me. 

I eventually came around.  I made it ok for us to talk, even though we both had so much pain, it took years, and lots of forgiveness, but I always missed her and loved her.  I let pride get in the way and my illness.

the point here is, dont make any decisions that cant be gone back on.     I am so thankfull that I told her I loved her the last time I saw her, 2 months later she was dead.

Mothers and daughters.....well tough relationships, but NEVER say NEVER!  Love is there as deep as it can be....Dont forget that.

She is young, young people do very stupid, and selfish, seemingly uncaring things, try to look beyond.  for your own sanity, this is part of her growing up.  if it is any consolation, she will feel guilty someday!

It isnt over, it will never be over as much as either one of you try for it to be, or want it to be, cuz you cant change it!

Hope this helps, coming from A#1 selfish daughter!

Clover...over  

#18

Justsue, I have read your compassion and solid good advice on this site.  As your child goes through life these are the things worth more than gold.  You have wisdom and generosity to share it.  Step-mum may have been blessed with money but I think you are blessed with your gift.  Wish I could borrow your mind to write some words of wisdom that might help.  x

#19

Thanks plum,,,, I have to admit.... the words I write I find in books... I wish I was as wise to write them myself too!  I just love to read and share them with everyone.

Clover, thank you so much for your bit of insider wisdom.  I guess since my mom died when I was 7 and I was left with a rotten step mother, I have this fairy tale vision in my head of how me and my daughter were supposed to be.  It's kind of sick to wish her guilt.  But I do.  I hope I live long enough to have things be right between us again - and by that I don't mean I'm dying now or suicidal.... just in general.  I could get hit by a bus.  You know.  Thanks!

#20

You had the idea to have a journal to communicate.  At this time, you need to either pick up the phone or send her a letter and communicate your feelings to her about how you feel.  Maybe she misunderstood what you meant when you said to write a journal.  I would be kind of hurt too but maybe she really didn’t know.  Give her the benefit of the doubt.  I really do feel for you right now because when the one thing or person that you live for betrays you in some way, it has to be overwhelming.  Hang in there.  I’ll pray for you.