Borderline personality disorder

#1

I’m in a real s*** right now as my borderline personality disorder which hardly ever affects me, has been triggered and is in a real flare up, i’m not sure how i’m going to get thru things or if i’ll get thru. i may be in real trouble, i don’t know what the end result of this is going to be for me…

There isn’t a borderline personality group at careplace…so thought this forum may be next best place for my post.

The current trigger of this condition for me is that my partner thinks he has cancer (he probably does have) and hence due to that has decided it is in my best interests to leave me. (as i have CFS and stress can make it worst… He don’t want to put me through watching him die).

This came about right after a psychologist told him that he would be selfish of him to take my and his relationship any further, seeing he’s got so many medical issues…and seeing i’m sick.

(This came right at the point where he was about to fly me over to him and we trial living together as couple. We had been waiting many myths for this to even become possible, due to all the health stuff i had to get sorted out and dealt with first, before trying to leave my country).

Anyway… i’m not dealing with his decision to leave me due to this and don’t know how on earth to deal with it… or how it makes me feel. i cant deal with it. i don’t know if i’m going to survive this.

Borderline personality peoples don’t deal with abandonment very well at all. i don’t know what to do with myself, i’m having some very stupid thoughts.

i’ve booked a plane ticket as i’m going to beg and plead with him, not to do this… not to leave me just cause he thinks he’s got cancer and hence thinks he wouldn’t be doing right via me to be with me. I cant deal with him breaking it off.

(stupid counselor… what she’s told him to do for my sake… has put my life in jeopardy. NOT RIGHT that a counselor said this, WITHOUT even knowing me or my medical problems… or how much problems him breaking up with me, would cause me).

Fortunately i had a good day out with family yesterday…and that has settled me down enough now that i wont be knifing myself on his doorstep, if he wont have me. (risk still there if my mood swings back worst again, i’ve only settled down a little as i’m convincing myself that he loves me so wont leave me…if i loose that thought and truly deeply feel inside he didn’t care or don’t really want me, i don’t know what will happen next).

so i’m still very very worried… i could easily flip out much much more than i’m flipping out right now … and currently are into the self harm stuff some.

i NEED him to calm me… i need him to do the right thing via me… that being not to leave me (he just wants to be friends)… just cause he thinks it would be selfish for him to be with me.

i NEED his love… i NEED his caring… i don’t want to keep trying to live without it.

i know i’m really in need of help… i don’t like feeling like i cant deal with breakups. i don’t like feeling this desperate… but on the other hand… i wont try to seek help in person anywhere… as i really don’t want to live and don’t want to have my choices stopped and i don’t want to live without him.

i’m don’t know if anything said to me can make me feel better or not… but if there is a counselor here who knows about borderline personality disorder and hence knows how to counsel me or work with me in some way… i would really like to have your help. i cant deal and just don’t know how to. i know i need help but ain’t wanting it (but on the other hand, a part of me does).

i’m lost and confused…and feeling like nothing will ever be right again

#2

Tan~
I’ve seen your post and wanted someone with more knowledge to get back to you, however, maybe I can be of some use.
There are lots of Bi-polar personalities here. I’d email Careplace and ask them where you an find the bi-polar forum is. We just changed up the site formate so I’m not sure myself
I do want you to know you are not alone, and there are folks here that understand your specific needs.

It’s got to be crushing to hear your loved one is going to die, are you sure he is, they do so much with cancer these days. It’s natural to want to pull away from folks when you feel you might be a burden. I do that myself. Maybe some cards and letters letting him see how strong you can be will help him realize you can handle the stress. Letting him have some space to get use to the idea of his diagnosis.
different people handle things so different, as you well know, so allow him his uniqueness and send him love and support. Perhaps he’s frightened and your strength could really help him.
Love is powerful and so is compassion. concentrate on his needs right now and I bet you’ll feel better and he will too.
Let me know how you are doing? I care
River

#3

Thanks River for your post.

nods … yeah i should message careplace people and ask if they have a borderline personality disorder forum. Borderline personality disorder is different to bipolar, some say its a manifestation of a kind of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

I’m in New Zealand with my partner now… i ended up flying over to him. He also has since got his second lot of test results back and fortunately don’t have cancer after all.

I’m getting depressed now thou, feel like i’ve been through too much with relationships and not feeling understood. My partner is doing things which i’m finding upsetting, but he’s not understanding how things things would upset someone. eg He’s got an controlling ex-wife who rings at any time and gets him to drive her places (every second day or more often).

I don’t mind that but I do mind that he wont allow me to go with him at those times as she doesn’t want to meet me or see me and he said he don’t want her bitching at him etc. She’s said she will walk out of any place she is, if i’m with him eg I cant go to his daughters place with him, cause it isn’t acceptable to his ex-wife (thou she don’t even live with her daughter!!).

He’s got his other daughter coming over to this town for a visit for a couple of weeks… and said he wont be able to take me with him when he spends time with his daughter and grandchildren… due to ex wife!!

anyway… i’m depressed over it all. He cant even see he’s being unfair to me by leaving me out of ALL his family stuff… are i being unreasonable with being unhappy about that situation???

(still feeling very lost and confused)

#4

Tani~
If I understand what you are saying correctly and the facts are accurate , I think I would have difficulty being excused from that many family affairs and feeling like I was being thought of as family.
I can only imagine your confusion. Perhaps you should think about yourself and making choices that will benefit you and bring you closer to your real goals. Is this lifestyle one you can get use to? How do you like to feel, and does this relationship provide those feelings.
Have you moved to Australia permanently? Are you on visa?
I can send you caring hugs and understanding nods
and many smiles to help you through your difficult moments.
River

#5

Tania-
I’m not good with words and wisdom, like River is, but I just wanted to lend you some support. I felt your hurt as I read your posts and I just want you to know that someone cares. If a hug will help, I’m sending you a few. I hope things improve for you soon. Hugs, Invisible