Codependency and women

Narcissistic personality disorder
#21

For God’s sakes are there any men out there getting crapped on? Doesn’t seem like it does it? Nope it’s mostly us nurturers and givers. Kinda makes me ashamed to be a woman!!! Not really, it makes me sick that I allowed what I did. I can’t believe it has taken me 50 years to begin to figure all of this out. He took the best years of my life. I hope he is bald and impotent soon. But God says vengeance is his? How will God deal with him when he loves him as much as he loves me? I just don’t get it. They are empty shells and we are so needy that we keep giving and giving and giving until we end up as an empty shell and they are full - of our admiration our love our attention our efforts.

I have vowed to myself that I will not be destroyed by the likes of him. The very best revenge is living well and I am going to use all the effort and time and strength I put into him into myself and hopefully God will reward my efforts and allow me to live a full and happy life in spite of and because of the pain I have endured. I have to have hope otherwise all is lost. This man has been hurting, abusing and abandoning me for 21 years. I had so much to offer.

I am now 50 years old. Can’t believe it because I have a very youthful outlook on life and am a hairstylist so I try to keep up my appearance. On the other hand it does become harder to find a companion because the playing field sure has changed. Men are looking for younger women, I certainly have changed my outlook on things and don’t want to be bitter, and it is awfully hard to let go of the good memories. But with God’s help I can move onward and upward ALWAYS. I may stumble and fall but will not stay down for the count.

My prayer is that all you women take back your life and rise up and be all that you can BE. We are more than they are to begin with, let’s not whine and be pathetic, that attitude allows them to win. I am NOT going to be a loser. GO GIRLS!!!

#22

I just gotta laugh at what you wrote! lol Yes there are men out there getting crapped on. It simply appears that due to the way our society is set up most Narcissist are men. The time invested is what kills me the most. I’m 38 and beautiful and I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder what’s wrong with me. The only thing I ever did wrong was waste too much time with men who were not committed to working with me. They tried to change me, I was never accepted for who I was, they tried to control me. And when it didn’t work I was thrown away. Not to mention that there’s nothing wrong with me! I have a great job, I’m sweet, funny, affectionate, love to cook, love to clean, I like sex! I’m ambitious and i don’t judge people. Everyone loves me! I’m damn near perfect! So why do I feel like I’m the one with the problem? Why do I feel like somethings wrong with me? It’s the way of the Narcissist. And I never want to meet another in my lifetime! And it’s highly likely that I will.

#23

doubledee—yes, we are near perfect. There’s nothing wrong with us other than our co-dependent tendencies. But now we know. You say the chances of you meeting another N are good…yea, they probably are. But now you know what the warning signs are, now you know that you need to pay attention to those signs and not ignore them, don’t look past them, don’t sweep them under the rug and think…oh, that will change, he didn’t really say that to me!!, etc. You get the picture…NOW YOU KNOW and all you have to do is walk away when you see those signs and red flags waving.

Knowledge is power. Knowledge gives you your life back! Keep it!!!

#24

Wow, wow, wow.
I read these entries and it just blows me away.
Isn’t it amazing that we thought we were alone, questioning our own sanity…and sounds like all of us are bright, witty, strong women. I feel like we have a community here, where we can let it all out and gain insight…from people who ACTUALLY understand, instead of people who just twist their brow, tilt their heads and say "What?"
I love it. Thanks Mamolie for the notion of giving us swift kicks in the batootie. I sure could use about a dozen a day! lol!
I don’t really have a lot to say today. I’m just trying to figure out how I’m gonna get from step A to step B. I don’t want to boast about any success I have, I just want to say I am hopeful that I’m going to come out of this, all of us are. I believe we’re helping one another.

My ex-N explodes when things don’t go his way. If I sleep with him, he chills out and acts normal for a couple of days. This is the current cycle. If I don’t sleep with him he says “he feels rejected”…which irritates me because that was his exuse to cheat on me when I was younger. I’m still fairly young, 28, alomst 29. Once I jump off this insane merry-go-round and really GET IT…once it goes from my head COMPLETELY to my heart…that the end of this only leads to death, or death of my spirit…I can have a good life.

Mr ex-N has a hard time with the fact that I want him to just make things about the kids. Of course, for some stupid reason, experience has shown that once he starts showing independence and acting as if he doesn’t want me…I want him, at least in bed. Yuck! I’ve been a fairly spiritual woman, too. So, I have let my values trail out the window like crazy over this guy. It’s ridiculous. To beat it all…after I don’t kow how many years…he was just recently physically abusive. He choked me so hard blood came out my nose.
How stupid. Why have I not thrown this joker in jail? Probably because I know that once that happens you, as the abused, start feeling as if someone stole your chance for happiness away. Even if that doesn’t happen, I will still have to face him at some point because we have kids. As long as I feel like I am the one rejecting him I’m borderline OK. It’s when I think he’s rejecting me that I have a hard time with. We have even spoken about making a clean cut and establishing that we will never be together, we need only make it about the kids.
What in the world?
Then, it seems like we both are drawn together like magnets…fearing the reality that this may be…no chance of the family together again.
Madness…it needs to stop.

#25

neednewstart - I read your post–I’m worried that your N is now abusive…are you living with him?? If so, you need to get out. You do not deserve that kind of treatment. Get help, family, friends, professional help, etc., whatever it takes to keep you away from him.
I do understand when you say you want him more when he starts acting independent and like he doesn’t want you. For some stupid reason, I deal with the same thing on some level. My N has basically ripped my heart out and served it to me on a silver platter and I don’t think he even realizes it…or on some sick level, he knows what he’s doing. Any normal person would walk away from that. I don’t, I can’t…and I don’t know why; other than what the websites say about co-dependency. I can pull myself away from him emotionally long enough to tell myself, hey stupid, THIS is the “love” you want for the rest of your life?? This emotional abuse is what you want??? I tell myself that, but then I talk to him, see him, and I have to have him. I do not want anyone else to have him, but I don’t want to deal with his crap anymore either. It’s sick, I’m tired of beating myself up over it…I know what’s right, I know I need to stay away from him, but I want him. What makes me do this…I don’t know, but I’m going to find out. Counselor here I come…

My N has never been physically abusive and I tell myself if he ever would, that would be the end. But, I can’t end it now and he’s emotionally abusive. I can imagine how hard it is for you to stay away. That’s why you need to get some help…from anyone, anywhere…DO NOT PUT UP WITH THE PHYSICAL ABUSE!!! YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT, YOUR LIFE, YOUR HAPPINESS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN PUTTING UP WITH ABUSE!!!

#26

wondering,
Thanks. I held on to that little part of my story until now. I was sorta nervous to bring it up, it makes me seem so disfunctional. That event happened two weeks ago. It’s interesting, the last time he was physical, it took me about 2 weeks before I started telling people. Now, one side of me wants to tell everybody, so I can have the support and encourgement…the other side doesn’t want to share it with too many people because it’s just more evidence of how stupid I have been, and what if I’m not totally ready to let go? How lame, huh?
Yeah…I’m fine until I see him. It did bother me when I spoke to him, but that seems to be dissipating. maybe at some point soon I will have nothing for him but pity for his soul.
He doesn’t live me, Thank God.
I am thinking about asking my ex to go to a parenting class. He does seem to have the kid’s best interest at heart, but his stubborn will gets in the way and he makes everything about “us”.
So, I’ll keep you posted.
I haven’t read anything on codependency, but believe you me…I really do want to uproot every desire I have for anything that is not good for me or my children, once and for all.
Wondering, you sound wise and practical. It would be so nice if you didn’t have to see or hear from your ex. It’s sad how he seems to be doing all he can to string you along so he can have his cake and eat it too.
Soon, very soon…that hold will be loosed. I just know it! Somehow. Thanks, my freind.

#27

Hi girls thank you so much for replying to my posts. I have to say, it is so good to feel like I am not alone. Even with the part about not telling your friends, you are right. I used to tell them but now it’s just too embarrassing, they can’t understand why I still let him sleep at my house or why I let him in my life period other than interacting for the girls sake. I don’t tell them because I have basically been told that if I go back or let him stay then they are done with me. It’s sad too because that is what I am so scared of, be rejected and that is why I cling to this devil in disguise because of that I am afraid of being rejected. I certainly don’t want my friends to leave me too so I keep certain things secret. However, that is not healthy either. That is why I think this group is great, we are on the same page.

I really think going through the 12 steps will help me with my co-dependency and help me to stop wanting and acting so crazy with that man. My friend at work did it about 10 years ago and still follows through. Yesterday I went to a meeting, it’s free. It’s an organization for co-dependent people called coda anonymous. You can go on line and find a meeting near you.

I also think we are all in rough spots, different stages but I think we are all on this site for a reason right? It’s a step, a big step. I think that everything happens for a reason, I think that I needed to deal with my childhood issues and the only way I would do that was by going through this. I am praying to god that this will be the “thing” that changed me for the good; maybe it’s to be a better mom maybe to help someone else.

I have to see my ex tonight, I told him he could stay even though the jerk just had more paperwork filed with the courts that would really screw me financially. But this time I have a good reason. My daughters are having ear tube surgery tomorrow and we need to be up and out by 5 a.m. I think it will be better to have help. But my goal is to not ask him to stay again because I am already thinking about how long he will stay and hang out at my house with me and the girls. God I wish I could look at him in a different light, one which I could care less if he left.

If anyone is going to do the coda let me know. I am going to pick up the workbook this weekend and try to work on this. There is a reason why I stayed and tortured myself, I want to find it.

#31

Thank you for bringing this post up, I did not know it was there and it helped.

i am reading the book the one.

i am in love with a dream.

i don’t have the energy to write.

good night and thank you all!

really, truly, i spend my whole day going from rage, to calm, to acceptance, or close to it to being productive, to starving myself, to sleeping, to taking care of myself, to reading, to venting or writing on here, burdoning my friends, a shit load of tears, hatered, and it is nonstop.

and then i say I am done and it is all about me and then I go to missing him and wishing and thinking about all of our good times.

and the fact that I am sort of trapped and the hell is going to be dragged out and it is here becasue of me.

and then I go back to thinking we have to stop this!!!

I read all of your stories and it makes me sad that we have lived through this pain and this pain is caused by N’s … yes we let them… but this is something that is like a silent killer in the US and no one knows about it.

and then I feel so sorry for my N and wish I could help him.

I feel so drained and I feel like I have been fighting for my life for so long and wonder if life will ever get easier.

You all are amazing and please bring up any more old posts that you think would help.

this one really helped a ton!

thank you.

I wish we could all meet in person!

#32

Thanks DL, I reread my posts and it makes me feel happy and sad. Sad for what I went through and happy that I’m through it. If you told me in June I would feel better in October I would not believed you. My pain was so great! Being betrayed by someone you care about is unbearable. A major part of my growth was letting go of a situation I had no control over. You can’t make anyone love you, you can’t do a magic trick and have narcissim dissappear from the man you love. Letting go and accepting the situation was a process, it didn’t happen overnight. The truth is I still love him because my love and investment in our relationship was real. I am not a narcissist. But he is…and so I must move on. There are no other choices.

#33

I have been going back awhile and reading posts. This one was especially grabbing for me. I thought it deserved a little “bump” in the discussion forum. I hope those who were writing this thread in June can see their awakenings and their thoughts and fears and hopefully, see that they have come a long way in a short time. I appreciated all your comments in this thread. It’s why I’m here… the fact that now I KNOW I’m NOT alone and I’m NOT CRAZY. Thank you to all of you!!
Dawn :slight_smile:

#34

I agree with something I heard Mamoile say, we are on the road to recovery. It is a process, a journey…and we have one another to express to. It feels good to get it out, and with someone who doesn’t think you’re crazy! Wondering, I am taking steps to let the right people know so that I won’t be in denial and act like nothng ever happened, and face the truth! Yes, and hearing from friends and family who care, that is important. The fact that they never waiver on their stance tells you, “I need to change my view”…and thus over time, it changes to get more healthy.
Momsoftwinscolorado, I am totally going to find a copa group. That sounds perfect!
Better days are on their way friends…

#35

Hey everybody!
I was a codependent BOY. I idealized my wife like crazy as I shut my eyes to the reality of our lopsided relationship. I don’t think the behavior that resulted in our being codependent is inherintly bad. I mean, I saw a lot of wonderful qualities in my wife and so when some of her N behavior would rear it’s head (I didn’t realize it was narcissism) I wanted to help her get what she needed/wanted. I mean, I loved her. In healthy relationships you sacrifice for your partner, and such sacrifice is appreciated and reciprocated. We became co-dependent because we loved this person. It’s very difficult coming to the realization that this person will NEVER sacrifice for us or our relationship. And so we think if we just dig deep and keep giving it’ll someday pay off. I remember thinking many times the last few years of my marriage “I can’t take this anymore” but then I’d hear the marriage vows echo in my brain “for better or for worse” and tell myself “it’s worse…make it better.” And codependency is the result.

I’ve read a lot of books on marriage, divorce, relationships, narcissism. They were all helpful, just like this forum. I like understanding both the narcissist’s behavior as well as my own.

I was going over things in prayer the other night and I was thinking about Harville Hendrix and his theories on what makes us attracted to people being ground in some conflict with one or both parents. What bothered me about my previous relationship (my girlfriend of 5 years becore my wife) was that I resented that I always had to be the adult while she was afforded the luxury of being confused about life and that confusion and insecurity happened to lead her into the arms of whatever vulturous guy that bouyed up her fragile self-esteem. That sucked so I ended that relationship only 3 years after her first cheating on me. I found the girl that I would later marry and found her to be the opposite of my girlfriend. She presented a very mature, responsible persona - one that was very different from the previous girl and one that I was very attracted to. She wasn’t as pretty as the last girl but she was so much more ADULT. Then there were a couple of times that the bratty narcissism reared it’s head and the ideal image was broken for a minute, but I NEEDED her to be the mature girl I’d been led to believe she was so I sort of turned a blind eye. 10 years later - 8 of them married - I see that I was kidding myself all the time and I married a girl VERY MUCH THE SAME as the previous one. Back to Harville Hendrix’s theory on the people we’re attracted to having much to do with our relationship with one or both parents. My mother always would say that when she looked at her children as little babies she felt we were so much more mature than her and how could she ever parent us. - see my mom’s a narcissist and she was fairly neglectful of her kids except when it served her narcissistic needs. She’s always been extremely childish - even charmingly so at times, but us kids really needed a mom and when kids really are more mature than their parents they have to grow up too quickly and look out for the narcissitic needs of mom. It’s very confusing and I was smitten with EVERY girl since kindergarten. I never understood this behavior. My friends wanted to play GI Joe and I wanted to make a love shrine of Melissa Carter (she was my chosen ideal from 2 grade to 4th). I digress.

I think it’s empowering and sustains me during my low days to realize the reasons for both me and my wife’s behavior and see how I became co-dependent.

#36

Hi, I am reading theese posts tonight as I am obviously not sleeping and just as so many others have stated I never imagined that there were so many other women out there going through the same horrible experience as me. I am getting out of this relationship hopefully by next week for myself and for my children and I was feeling very weak tonight crying and feeling all of the things that you guys have written about. I am just so glad I found you, I feel very releived to find that I am not really alone in this. I don’t really know what to say or ask I just wanted to say Thank-You, your posts are keeping me on my path of getting out.

#37

rachelcross - You are so not alone in this…keep reading and learn all you can. Check out the narcissist websites, co dependency, etc. Ask whatever you need to ask, say whatever you need to say. We’re all going through it and have “been there, done that and some are still doing it”. It’s a constant battle to stay on the path that leads you out, but as long as you know you need to get out, you will get there!!

#38

neednewstart - wise and practical…yea, when it comes to everyone’s life but my own. You not telling isn’t lame…it’s the same way I feel about myself when I don’t tell my friends that I fell off the “stay away from him” wagon and fell into bed with him. I can’t tell them…they think I’m nuts for wanting him, for putting up with him and still being able to say I love him. It’s a good thing they think I’m nuts, because I’m getting to the point where what they are thinking of me is more important than putting my soul on the line for him. doubledee said it best - loving him is killing me. It’s killing the me I used to know, the me that still could tell black from white.

I think you have to tell people about his abuse…by telling, it makes it real. It makes it so you have to deal with it. Plus, it may have the same effect my friends are having on me…they start thinking your “lame” for putting up with him and it will push you to the point where you care more about what they think about you than putting your life on the line for him. Telling makes you stronger…

Stay safe my friend!!!