Concerns for my daughter

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

My daughter seems to have isolated herself from the world. Since her and her husband have split up she has isolated herself from the world. She is not your normal (what most people consider normal) 27 yr. old. She has no real friends, since her split, her phone does not ring unless it is something for her children. She has no outside activities for herself, she stays at home doing much of nothing, her children are gone every other weekend and she does not go anywhere without me. I am really concerned that she is becoming too isolated, we go into grocery stores and she will talk to complete strangers and talk to them about her life but she is afraid of making new friends. I may be making too much out of this but is this healthy mentally?

She only spends her time with myself, her dad and her children and whatever the childrens needs are, she does nothing for just herself. I don’t think this is mentally healthy for her to just stay at home all the time. She needs some time with others and just have fun, but because of all the abuse she has endured she is afraid to get close to anyone. I am worried about her future. How can I convince her that living this way it not healthy for herself or her children? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

#2

There’s a whole thread about how flat many of us feel post-N. There are also a number who have spoken openly about going through a phase of deep depression and isolation in their grief. (I did most of my grieving publicly on the shoulders of friends but that is because I knew, at least for me, if I didnt make it public, if I didnt lean on friends for support, I was likely to end up driving off the Skyway bridge).

I think all those feelings are normal. I also think working hard to deny them is only asking to have them leak out , or take over, in ways that are even more difficult to control.

I cant recommend therapy enough. If your daughter cant find the tolerance or desire to be with other people than those she loves and knows she can trust (Her parents), then at least once a week or so she can vent her pain and fears, and get support from someone outside of the family she can trust. That depends largely on picking someone wisely and who suits her.

What also worked for me (maybe we could all list what worked for us) was writing about my process and feelings, nightmares and murderous fantasies. Putting them outside of me helped neutralize a lot of their intensity. I also got creative, drawing, painting, doing photography, and a few times, sculpting my exN as a monster out of clay and smashing his head with a hammer, then sculpting him again, smashing him again. It didnt make the hatred go away, but again it took some measure out of the intensity of those feelings.

Over the last few months, I’ve allowed physical activity be my refuge. Working out to some degree, but yoga more so is the small mental room I have with big huge padlocks…almost like a vault. When I pray at the beginning, I mentally imagine closing the door on the vault, and all the locks clunking shut, because the half hour I am doing that is mine, I support the negativity to stay outside and wait patiently until I’m done…so I have that half hour thats clean, pristine, pure and all mine.

I know for me, I needed a LOT of time and space to emote…hell I’m still emoting, but a lot less in terms of time, and space and intensity, but then I was always clear, that things would get less intense over time.

Its hard to choose fun and socializing when one is “treading water” in an ocean of pain. And frankly friends and family are invaluable supports, but even they can only shoulder the burden for short periods of time.

Your daughter is possibly “treading water” 24/7. Its a tough tough job to keep your head above water, especially for the benefit and health of her children, but its a task we all share in common I think.

I wish there was a magical ingredient you could put in her scrambled eggs and she’d be fine by lunchtime (sigh)…but its a long process finding our way back to normal.

I wish her a lot of good “luck”.

#3

Personally, I dont think you should worry too much.

Apart from my very inner circle (which does not include my mother) I closed down from most people. I had nothing to give and I was so absorbed in my own story and pain and grief and stress of it all, when there are children involved. For me, its still baby steps.

It is a truly terrible thing to be afflicted by an NPD partner. there are no visible signs and its such a difficult story to tell, one which never makes any sense. However hard we wish that we could just move swiftly on, it doesnt happen at least it never for me. I would set goals - after xy or z I will be feeing better- blah blah blah - never happened, and it bothered me - still does.

With your encouragement and understanding, your daughter will move on, but it could be a long and slow process. She must also be strong for the inevitable battles she has yet to fight. Coping with kids and the day to days and being friendly and socialble when out - whether with the shop assistant or a best buddy sounds to me like she is doing fine.

How long has she been separated?

#4

I agrree with the Phoenixxxx…talking with a therapist was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. If you don’t click with the first one…keep trying until you find one that suits you. I fully understand about treading water. I made that statement many times that so often my therapist was the only thing keeping my head above water for that hour so I could rest.

#5

Nic, she has been separated only 4 months, but they were only married 4 months. She and the rest of our family still never understood why he wanted to marry her only to hurt her and leave her, it will never make sense. She is going to have her 3rd child (his first) in December. He has pretty much dropped off the face of the earth, he wants nothing to do with her or his child, at least that is what he has told her and myself. I guess it just seems so unfair and cruel for her to have to put her life on hold so to speak and he goes on with life like she never existed.

I may be overly concerned for nothing but she is still young and should be having some fun.

Thanks for the kind words, and the hugs they mean alot.

#6

I agree too, that a therapist was so important for me for not just what I went through, but why I made the choices I made. I also did a lot of soul searching. I became very spiritual and studied and practiced meditation. I also read a lot of self-help books. I went to a massage therapist. I went to mediums. I did anything and everything to help me with my inner pain, and all of these things mentioned were part of the healing process for me. I actually moved to another state and changed my life. I have a lot of friends, but I left them (in distance) and started up a new life. My children went to colleges in the state I moved to. I started a new job and made friends at my work, at where I work out, and other. I would suggest taking up a sport, like golf, or tennis, or…, and possibly even going to group therapy. She will see that she is not the only one. High school reunions I have known to have people get back in touch with one another. Chin up, she just needs the time and space to work this out. First and foremost a good therapist would move her in the right direction.

#7

this must have knocked her for six really…she sounds "spaced out"about the whole thing.
in a similar position…i think i would be in some form of denial…sort of’limbo"and shellshocked to be honest.
she has to cope with her own loss and the loss as regards the baby ofots father…shes probably on’auto’
Perhaps the’father’who is acting like a’sperm donor’here wanted your daughter all to himself…and the new baby would have taken centre stage?its a very’grown up’thing to do to be a father after all…not one of the kids as he may have felt with the other kids?
Perhaps when the child is born…she will be more like her"old self"shes had a double-whammy here.

#8

The repercussions of N relationships last long after the relationship dies.

Therapy or group therapy. I’m sure she has thoughts she can’t even share with you. Her self esteem has taken a huge hit. Being with the people she loves makes her feel safe. You love her and you don’t judge. Only 4 months have passed so what she’s doing sounds normal to me. I wish there was a switch we could flip that takes the pain away. Sometimes my pain was so great I was driven to my knees and that was last year in August. I don’t feel nearly as bad anymore THANK GOD, but it was a long road.

Ask her what she feels like doing and do it with her. For example, my Mom and I are going to the gym later today. She’s been on my case for a long time. My energy level has been really low so I finally relented. Maybe the two of you can do yoga or ceramics, maybe there’s a YMCA near you and both of you can get into all kinds of trouble :slight_smile: . If you’re the only person she wants to be with right now consider yourself lucky and coax her out by going with her. Some of my best memories are giggling with my Mom.

#9

maybe there's a YMCA near you and both of you can get into all kinds of trouble :-)

reading this made me smile big