My teenage daughter was platonically dating a boy that is very shy. They dated for 3 months and had a great deal of fun and lots of long phone conversations. They have a lot in common other than the fact that she is outgoing and he isn’t. However, he really “came out of his shell” for her and seemed very happy. The last time they went out was a special occasion, dinner and the symphony. By all accounts they had a wonderful time. That was the last time he spoke to her. Due to the fact that they are on a sports team together, she sees him every day. The only way I can describe his treatment of her is “shunning”. He avoids all contact with her and will not even look at her. After three weeks of no contact, he finally contacted her by email and said he hoped that everything was alright between them and that he still wanted to be friends. She responded by saying that of course everything was not alright, and asked what was going on. He replied that people were asking him about his relationship with her and that two days of not talking turned into weeks. Sounds like he has a social phobia and has retreated into his shell. Any advice?
Speaking as someone who has had social phobia all of my life, but am only now (in my 40’s) working on getting past it: Don’t write this guy off! If he does have social phobia and wants to work on it, it can get better. I didn’t know what SAD was until a few years ago; had I known about it and been able to get help for it when I was a teenager, life could have been very different. Be gentle but encouraging with him; it can make a huge difference for all of you.
Good luck!
Nancy
Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.> To: thelitlkahuna@hotmail.com> From: sad-cpt8237@lists.careplace.com> Subject: [sad] dating issue> Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2008 20:19:04 -0400> >
I think she should explain that not talking to her for a week is not a way to be a friend ask if he can be open and honest about his feeling yet she needs to be understanding of him at the same time I have social phobia and it is hard to find men in this case who is willing to be patient with me enough to be in a relationship and to take it slow so my advise to your daughter is to be patient and take it slow yet in cases like that it is appropriate to want to know what happened and why he did this so encourage him to explain his action it might be he is not ready for a relationship but just being friends for now might be worth the wait
I agree with thelitlkahunah. I have also had SAD all my life and finally found out what it is. One thing I would add to what she said is that many people with social anxiety cannot talk about it. It is difficult being a grown man and saying that you are scared silly even to talk to someone. If this guy does have social anxiety, she just needs to be kind and gentle and let him know she would like to be his friend. He has to learn to talk to her first, then hopefully they will be able to confide in each other more. She might consider letting him know how scary it is to try to be friends with a guy so he will know they have something in common.
Good luck.
Don
this is really sad because im sure that he had real feelings for her but could not overcome his problems associated with social anxiety disorder. im confused that he came out of his shell around your daughter yet wanted to end the relationship and remain friends. i have suffered with SAD on and off throughout my life. i can understand his fears. i hope that they can remain friends as she seems to be a person who brings out the best in people.
You know, it’s difficult when we have these issues at an early age and don’t know what they are… I stayed in my room a great deal as a child and that had a profound affect on my adult years and with my relationships. I basically became codependent upon the person that I was seeing to be my social outlet… I could do things with him if he pushed me, and I did but when we broke up it was always isolation for me again… I’ve repeated that pattern throughout my life. She really needs to tell him that he needs to get help for it now because it will only get worse… I didn’t know what it was until now, or 8 years ago, and I’ve been struggling ever since to not let it rule me…some days it does and some days it doesn’t. It has gotten better but I am still dependent pretty much…
TJ