My last name is Anderson. I took my father’s name back after my divorce approx. 15 years ago because he was the only one who made me feel worthwhile and confident. He was my rock. But he died young.
My mother and her friends were alchoholics and liked to laugh at me because of my shortcomings and weight problem, and she slapped me across the face quite a bit. She treated my slim sister better. Often she made promises to me and didn’t keep them. I learned to live with disappointment.
My brother was overweight and an alchoholic too. He died at 35, approximately 14 years ago. He was undependable and always high on something. When he died, my mother sunk into a deep depression and ended up in a psch. hospital ward. She died 7 years ago.
Being away from her was the best thing for me so I married young at 19 and drove accross the country with my high school boyfriend and got married. I never had a “single party life” and stayed home with two kids until I was 33, waiting on everyone and babysitting other kids. Then I got a good job outside the home.
At 40, I decided to divorce my cold, drunken, impotent, and sullen husband because I wanted “a Life.” At first, things were great and I dated a lot, almost to the point of promiscuity. I refused marriage several times, but am now lonely. I am 59, and the fun is over.
I want to move back to the Southwest again, (I spent 3 yrs there after an early retirement) and can’t stand this raining and snowing in Illinois. I loved the sun there. But I know that this is just running away from my problems and that things are rarely as good as they were the first time.
Please, I need input from others, since I have very few friends and have been diagnosed with Major Depression. I have until 12/01/08 to decide about leaving my daugher (married and busy) and 1 yr. old granddaughter (distant and Mommy’s girl) and my estranged son (Never calls and lives 5 miles from me – he is always “busy”) I stopped calling him 3 months ago, and don’t expect to hear from him till X-mas, if ever. My sister is usually “busy” too.
Is this the choice I should make? I feel a sense of guilt even thinking about it. But maybe I have SAD too, and the lack of sunlight makes me feel horrible.
I was happier for the 3 years I spent recently in Spring Valley, Nevada. But who will help me pack? How can I have Christmas, which is expected of me?
My lease here runs out at the end of the year. I have a place ready for me for Jan thru April, '09 but can renew the lease and stay longer. Or I can come back May 1st and live here again for good.
Decisions, confusion, low self-esteem, and depression. That’s my story in a nutshell. Any suggestions? I hope somebody understands my dilemma.