I was wondering if anyone else has had issues of this type with their N. Except for the first weekend together where we had sex 6 times in like 12 hours because he said it had been so long for him, mine has almost always held me at arms length even during sex. I’ve always felt comfortable enough with my sexuality and my men to “jump their bones” if I wanted-and they have loved it. Not with this one - not unless HE initiates. No foreplay - never wanted me to “touch” him - never wanted me to “pleasure” him - would brush my hand away if it got too close. He would hold off, knowing that I was in the mood, for hours sometimes - I think to frustrate and control me. Then, when he was ready, it was “let’s go” - get the job done and that’s that. And, more often than not, it was from behind spooning - no kissing or other touching. Now, that being said, there were times when he was very romantic, lots of kissing and huge expressions of how much he loved me and wanted to marry me during sex. Once he made me promise that he could be my husband while making love to me. Of course that’s wonderful and so hard to forget. But, then he turns it off and really has no interest - it’s been 2 1/2 weeks. I know that there are supposedly 2 different kinds of narcissists and I definately believe he’s cerebral and simply doesn’t have an interest in sex, outside the infrequent horniness. He’s never talked of conquests, he’s not openly flirty, he doesn’t seem to have any porno, doesn’t have a PC etc. I flat out asked him once if he masturbates (because I was wondering what was up with him) and he said “NO! I tried it in the shower once a long time ago and my hand went numb.” How odd is that reaction from a grown man? What has the typical sex life been with with your N? I can understand my N’s behavior if it’s a function of being afraid of intimacy and losing control and I was wondering if other member’s have had similar issues with their sex lives - if it’s not too personal or rude. I am really struggling to make sense of all of this. Thanks!
You may never have all the answers to all your questions, just remember he is messed up BIG TIME, see the red flags all around you, listen to your head and get out now. To me you sound so honest and lovely and he does not!! You deserve better, alot better, someone that can give you a loving sexual and intimate relationship. X
In my readings about NPD and BPD I have run accross the concept of withholding sex for control purposes etc. Also read about the somatic v. cerebral aspects, so I know that comes up in some peoples’s experience. My bf seems as randy as any other red blooded american man I’ve ever been with. I would have to say, that my bf is the best lover I’ve had. I have tried to put my finger on what all leads me to that conclusion…it’s not just about the moves…he actually has a way of being very present and connected with me sexually that I find very appealing. I have been w/ him for over a year now, and the sex seems to just get better and better. He mastrubates nearly every day and is very open about that. There are a couple of things that I did NOT like and have discussed this with him; (warning, slightly graphic, don’t read if you don’t want to know) once early on we went away on a weekend trip. Sometimes, especially when traveling, he needs a little ‘down time’ just to chill. I did not know this at the time. I was walking around in a nighty thinking it would lead to one of our “nice times’ together…but I got nothing. Later in the middle of the night I woke up and realized he was masturbating. I’m no prude, and I know he does that…no biggy…but I’m right there with him and this was early on in the relationship??? I said something about ‘hey, I’m right here next to you’ in other words, how about connecting w/ the person right beside you? His reply was something like…‘oh…is it okay if i masturbate on you?’ My answer: aaaa…no, it’s not okay! I mean, if we are participating together in something, or sharing something, sure, …but I don’t want to just be 'masturbated-on!” Palease!!! Get a blow-up doll if you’re going to do that! And I told him so. Okay, after many talks several things have been pointed out about this incident. #1 He had been in a 16 yr. marriage where his wife wanted nothing to do w/ him sexually. She would succumb from time to time but would only allow him to rub himself on her from behind, she would not want to bother having him inside her. Thus, he was trained to “just masturbate” on her, as that is all she wanted or would tolerate. So, he thought that most women probably didn’t want to be bothered with the whole enchilada, so to speak, and that he was doing me a favor. Yuck, I know, but that was what their relationship was like for years. #2 And we talked about the “down time” and he just needed a little time to chill. We had been running around all over and he just needed a little down time to regroup and get his bearings. I have read, though, that someone very N men can sometimes even prefer mastrubation to real life interactions…you know, because when you are with real life human beings you have to deal with emotions, feelings, expectations, HUMANITY. I’ve also read about N wanting to be very very good in bed because it hooks the person in (ensures N supply) I can see that a little bit in my bf sometimes. All in all, I would say that my bf is very sexual, and that the sex is so good it is one of the reason I have chosen not to leave at this point even though there have been times when I was very upset w/ some of the bs that was going on. I’m not proud of it, just being honest w/ myself that the sex is compelling enough that it is one of the reasons I have stayed. So if he is excelling at that as a means to hook me in, it’s working, at least for now. Like everything else, I wait and watch and wonder if that too will change over time. I mean, all long term relationships usually go through sexual changes or things calm down over time. That’s fine. I’m just waiting and watching for any dramatic or bizzare changes that may come up in this area. So far, other than what I mentioned above…its’ been very very good. Sometimes I think that while he can be almost an idiot in areas of life that I think would be obvious…that this is his special talent…he can be really present, really romantic, and really fun in this one area. If he were driving me nuts in his other special ways (see my year) …AND I was not enjoying the sex.or being sexually frustrated…I would BE SO OUTTA HERE!!! Maybe that makes me shallow, but hey, but I have to be honest, and my therapist and I keep listing the good reason to stay…and this is a big one. Without the romance and the sex…I think I would have to be completely co-dependent to stay and keep trying to make things work. One other thing that sounds a little similar to your experience…by bf can get very romantically verbal when he is all wrapped up in the act, which is nice, but not if they have amnesia about it later. Now, my take on it is this: Most grown men learn at some point that it is almost a bad cliche for a man to make promises in the throes of passion…it has been made such a negative stereotype…as a result, I have found most grown men avoid doing that…they leave the committment and promises discussions for the light of day when everyone has there clothes on so that there will be no misunderstandings and no hint of manipulation etc. That has been MY expereince w/ most men I have been with. Not so my current bf. Again, I see this as sort of an immaturity thing…like he missed the memo all the other men his age got by the time they were in there 20’s 30’s and 40’s…he missed that memo entirely and just blurts out all sorts of stuff in the throes of passion. This has casued some real problems and has at times really hurt my feelings when 10-20 minutes later it’s like he is a different person with is thinking cap on now. Most men LEARN at a faily young age to NOT do this unless they are dead serious. Don’t make promises while naked…if you still feel that way when your clothes are back on, fine promise your little heart out! I had to point this all out to my bf…and it was like this was a totally new concept to him. He never got that memo! I’m not sure at this point if my bf has NPD, BPD or if he simply suffers from not being RAISED by anyone. Sometimes I think that’s what all of this disorder shit comes down to…NO ONE RAISED/PARENTED THESE PEOPLE AND THEY HAVEN’T GOT A CLUE!!!
smg - thank you so much for your input. I almost envy you in that you have a fulfilling sex life with your N. I suppose I should be glad that I don’t since I feel and need to get out. One thing though - when I said that mine made romantic professions during sex, I didn’t mean ONLY during sex. Oh no! He constantly talked about getting married, living together and being “forever”. It just made those times that sex was actually “making love” that much more special.
The physical / sexual component in my relationship is a double edged sword at this point…if that were lousy I may have already extracated myself from this and moved on to something more sane. I’m in a wait and see mode, hoping to beat the odds that he is getting better even though it’s hard to find any success stories anywhere. It sounds like you know what you need to do, and there’s something to be said for reaching clarity. It is painfull, though, and I can fully empathize with how you feel…the words and promises that are spoken that never materialize or just end up in retrospect sounding crazy. My bf does or did that, in and out of bed. They have no common sense and lack the ability to forsee how their words and actions can truly cause a person so much confusion and pain. Good luck to you, and stay strong in taking care of yourself!
Wow.
These reflections of me are so…Hi-Def. Ha! That was a little joke… Gulp. I must say, all kidding aside, that your discussions here really make me think I should contribute something to the string from my own experience. But GAWD. That’s really intense and personal and potentially humiliating. And you know what else? I think that my own sexuality really does reflect my somatic narcissism. I’m frankly afraid to evaluate the nature of my sexual relationships. Mostly, (insert hint here) I’m afraid to admit that I’m in a sexual relationship with the only lover I’ve ever had. He is I and I is him…slim with a titled brim. That’s him!
I’ve always found it difficult to achieve orgasm with my partners. I can only think of one or two times (in my adolescent awakening) in which I felt like I couldn’t help but cum. In my adult life, it has been much more difficult. I masturbate compulsively – by which i mean that I believe that my behavior will be markedly better if I masturbate BEFORE certain events. I find that if I have to work around women primarily, it’s easier to stay focused and to not flirt as much when I masturbate first. Gets the tension off of me. It’s like that booming obliterating loud speaker of my sexual drive gets turned down to the whisper setting, and I like myself a lot better. Better because the very reason I don’t like myself is because of past poor behaviors.
Behold! The Somatic Narcissist, blind, sleepwalking, and masturbating. Totally no need for anyone to do anything for him that might invade the private fantasy he is acting out. Intimate only with the sound of his own internal voice, his own hypnotic personal dialog with himself. He’s busy making everything that happens acceptable, he’s thinking his way out of every consequence so that nothing disturbs his sleep.
Man, i’m gonna have to come back to this topic in an hour or two, after some thought. It’s almost feels like telling my sexual story is too much of a revelation to be handled in a moment.
Tim