I think my son in law is an N. He fits most of the characteristics. My question is: Do N usually abuse their victims in front of other family members?
If the other family members are conditioned to “abuse”, yes, in my opinion. It is called “scapegoating.” I was the scapegoat for 39 years!!! And they got away with it EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! But the real abuse is secretive…
So that no one knows how bad it really can get…And it can get bad…
I think narcississt’s, and immature people in general, will do what they think they can get away with doing. If abuse or bullying has been successful they will do it.
Many share that that the N partner is abusive at home but the rest of the world thinks he/she is a prince or princess, so with others they need to impress, or are afraid of, or whom they know or suspect won’t tolerate their abuse or acting out… they hold it together and can be on their ‘best’ behavior.
You described my son in law to a “T”. Everyone that knows him thinks he is just this sweet guy, but do they really know him? We (as a family) have done our research on this disorder, and his mother is this way too. His mother and his family did nothing but cause my daughter and her children pain, disregarded them and their feelings as if they did not matter. My grandchildren are the ones that are paying the ultimate price though, they do not understand why he has left them. They are too young to understand. What I don’t get was most of the abuse that we witnessed was for the most part done away from the children, which I very glad about. They are only really dealing with the issues of abandonment. He wants another chance, she refused to put herself through another pack of broken promises and lies. He is now of course actling like they never were married, but yet doesn’t want a divorce, but maybe wants to date her again later on. Someone explain this to me, my daughter can’t act like they were never married, or the pain from the abuse doesn’t exist?
They bought a car together and a month after they bought it, he left, now she is debt and can barely make the payments, he doesn’t care.
I don’t want to be somone that does not trust people, but having this type of person come into our lives has made we very uneasy. I have always been the type of person that tries to give people the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason to distrust them. I don’t feel that I can do that anymore and don’t want my daughter and her children hurt like this every again.
How do I get past this for my granchildrens sake I don’t want them to distrust people, men in general?
ConnedAgain:
My N 41 brother, when his wife was 8 months pregnant decided to buy a projector screen tv which came out of the ceiling and a mahogany (had to be mahogany) murphy bed which came out of the wall. He couldn’t afford cable, so they only watched art films. He put them into a huge amount of debt. He went to my aging N father, who has always bailed him out in the past. My brother had taken, from a communal summer house property, an antique. My dead mother’s last words were DON’T SELL THOSE ANTIQUES…Well he did for $50,000. He told my other brother, who has money, and manipulated him by crying poor because he is an “actor” who doesn’t make much money. My older brother gave him his part and they shook NOT TO TELL ME. I am a housewife of two boys 9 and 6. My mother in law had died just as this all went down of the same disease my mother had died from 10 years prior. He knows that I have no “support” left in my life. Not financial, but maternal. Some might think this not a big deal but it was a big deal to me because my mother died one week after I got married and never saw my children. For a girl, this is very sad.
My N father, my N brother and my conarcisstic brother kept this whole scenario a secret from me (and my family) for 7 months. My father finally admitted it to me in the most bizarre way. He said that my brother had a “windfall” opportunity, and he had the cutest grandchild and the greatest artistic eye (meanwhile I am an artist). So he basically rubbed in my face and demeaned my motherhood, my artistic abilities and my children all in one foul swoop.
Then my N brother and conarcisstic brother bullied up against me, saying that I WAS THE SELFISH ONE. Because I did not see that the N BROTHER was SO TALENTED AND DESERVED THE MONEY because of how hard he worked as an actor. They BLAMED THE WHOLE THING ON ME.
He did give me a check, but I looked up the sale on line, because my father stupidly told me the date and place it was sold. HE GAVE ME $4600 LESS than he should have…I have not revealed this to them because I unplugged prior to this discovery.
I have not gotten an APOLOGY, nor will I ever. And HE LOST HIS SISTER OVER THIS. HE WOULD HAVE RATHER HAD $8400.00 than a SISTER!!!
This is just an example of how FUCKED UP NPD IS.