Elizabeth --chest caving in

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

MY girlfriends and I met for dinner and a movie in the city last night. One of them just became a grandmother on the weekend for the first time.

A few days ago I did the shopping for the baby gift for her. Theres something about baby girl clothes…soft as butter against the cheek, hoods with little ears and noses sewn on. My ovaries were quivering while I browsed.

Yesterday at my work, one of the girls brought her newborn to showoffr during lunch when chaotic energy at high volume abounded. I kept asking her to take her baby home and come visit in a month or two. The little weeble was so tiny and fragile to be in such a rough, loud, potentially violent place.

Last night the scene I was left with from the movie Elizabeth (which was fabulous by the way), shows her childless but holding a newborn, and it made all those newborn squirmy small noises I remember from my 11 yr old sons birth and I started crying, feeling like my chest was caving in.

MY exN and I lost a pregnancy 4 years ago. N had asked me to abort it, but I was already in love with the unknown angel and finally told him I couldnt – I wouldnt. A week later I had what seemed like a miscarriage. Hard enough. I turned out to be pregnant still, but they could no longer find the fetus and so I had to sign my name on orders to dissolve it with chemotherapy drugs. I was alone for that.

It took me awhile to get over that. I was deeply in love with N, I wanted his child, even if it meant N would no longer want me.

Now 14 months after we’ve broken up, 6 months after no contact with him, after having fallen out of love long ago, and even on the other side of my raging hatred for him, I’ve come to not care about him much.

I’m unhappy I still have chest-caving moments like the one I had in the theatre. I know I’ve been walking through and inhaling and touching and feeling protective of newborns during the week. But I also know he didnt want his trajectory to lawschool threatened by an unwanted baby, or a too demanding partner. At moments like last night, and even this morning as I write this I’m feeling the toxin of hatred running through my body and my soul again.

I want to be free from him having any effect on me…even the memory of him and the painful things he did to me.

I want to be with my friends, watching a movie and NOT feel my chest cave in.

What the hell – I hate this person, I would be happy if he were gone from this earth, why cant I just obliterate him from my own consciousness?

I really want to…really. I just want my heart and soul to be left alone.

#2

I’m not in a very good frame of mind today.

I’m putting out a call for support. I’ll be grateful for any supportive feedback I get on this one.

thanks

#3

Hi, Phoenix!

Maybe you're not in a very good frame of mind but consider that as a positive thing. When we're in a Good Frame of Mind, there's nothing to examine, question, reason, or change.

Bad frame of mind=Good time to ask for help

"A few days ago I did the shopping for the baby gift for her. Theres something about baby girl clothes...soft as butter against the cheek, hoods with little ears and noses sewn on. My ovaries were quivering while I browsed. "

You are a beautiful writer. I hope you appreciate your talent and keep writing!

"I want to be with my friends, watching a movie and NOT feel my chest cave in. "

Chest caving ends when it's time for chest caving to end. I wish there were an easy method to move through the sadness threatening to crush the life out of us. Each person's process is their own; putting a time-frame to it only exacerbates fears that we're now doing GRIEVING wrong, too! ha

You know Phoenix, I wanted to talk with my friends and not even mention the X's name for two whole hours; but I couldn't do that for over a year. I set a stopwatch for myself. Seriously! It was almost re-traumatizing just trying to get through a girl's night out without bringing up his name or CRYING my eyes out. O yea...I was a whole ton of fun to hang out with.

NOT!

But the fact was, I WANTED to end my suffering. I did not want to hang out in Painsville forever. I wanted to restore my sense of well-being and lightheartedness. Wanting to change is key. In fact, it might even be a sign that Hope is alive...not for the N but for ourselves.

One big hurdle is breaking through the illusion that If the N returns, our pain will end. For quite some time, I was trapped in that false perception though it seems to be fairly normal for most grieving people. "If only he'd come home, all would be WELL!"

NOT!

He'd come home temporarily and guess what? All was NOT WELL, in fact, it was HELL. The grieving started back at square one when he left. Finally, it was easier to deal with the existing pain than it was to add another disappointment to my list of things to cry about. He was not my answer. I was.

Let yourself sit with the pain. It will pass. We shortcut deep healing and inner awareness when we fear/resist our suffering. Just believe in the truth that grieving and grieving deeply is the pathway towards healing and true peace.

Hugs,

CZBZ

#4

Hi I can feel your pain!

I was there.

It took me forever to figure out my next step.

All my knowledge of the Ns did not help me getting over the frustration and hate, the unfairness, the pain,…

I got so frustrated with myself. Why would I even want to spend one more second, thinking and wondering about Ns?

Reading SV really opened my eyes on what is going on. Sure and after that I was sort of stuck.

Thanks to a friend of mine sending me the DVD “The Secret”, which is very intense, but living with Ns for 44 years, intense is relative, I found myself.

I am in a great, healthy, nurturing relationship with the man of my dreams, and life is getting better every day in every aspect.

THE SECRET is about the law of attraction. You ever heard about, what you fear the most is eventually going to happen? This was very true for me. It also applies to what you focus and think the most of, mysteriously reappeared in my life over and over again. After watching the secret and reading about it, my life made a 180 turn around. What I basically learned is, to thing and focus only on what I want in a positive way and it worked like magic, you are, or become what you think and are emotional about. From being surrounded by psychotic people, to having them just about eliminated out of my life. And should I have to deal with one here and there, I feel sorry for them, absolutely do not let them get to me, and therefore they pretty much avoid me like a plague.

The only reason I am still here at the careplace is, because I want to help. I found a way to break the vicious cycle and I want to share it.

It is my turn now, I control my life.

Everyone has the birthright to do so. I send you a link where you can take a look and see.

Love and happiness to you,

Gypsy

http://thesecret.tv/home.html

#5

its such a weird thing being in a partnership with a N, isnt it? I knew I didnt want him while I was trying to hold onto him. I knew he had no integrity, was a liar, a manipulator, a criminal, a drug abuser, a violent man, threatened by and jealous of children, cruel to animals, impulsive, self-absorbed, lacked empathy (I could go on and on) but I had hope and I wanted to stay for the good stuff if it ever arrived…how absurd when I read that back to myself.

But even while I knew he was a bad man, was bad for me, was diminishing the quality of my life emotionally and financially I still wanted him to stay.

But I havent wanted that for awhile.

What I still feel grief and longing for, is for that love child, that baby I fell in love with that was taken from me, a precious angel I would have had through my N …the lotus flower that blossomed up from the pondscum.

I had something good and pure and perfect and beautiful growing inside of me…and it was stolen from me too, like so many other things he took in his greed and selfishness.

I dont always feel it, but I’m feeling it today.

#6

CZBZ

and Gypsy

As angry and nasty as I feel inside right now,

I appreciated your responses, thank you.