Emotional abuse

[thephoenix1011]

I had my memory triggered on some of the forms of abuse my skillful exN/S employed, from the silent treatment to minimizing my concerns as being "overly emotional" or "drama queenish". I'm still having times of trying to unravel the pretzeling that was done. And I was making some connections to similar although much gentler forms of it in my childhood as my parents were trying to discipline and punish me in more humane ways than they experienced as children in WWII Germany.

Anyway, I came across this interesting list. I have 3 of these results in my own life. See how many might resonate with you.

List 1 - Based on studies of Adult Children of Alcoholics

This list is from the work of Janet Geringer Woititz. She did her original work on adult children of alcoholics, but I believe her findings can be generalized to people who were emotionally abused in general. Certainly all children of alcoholics were emotionally abused.

-Can only guess at what healthy behavior is.

-Have trouble completing things

-Lie when they don't need to. Lying might have been a survival tactic in the home. (She explains that perhaps the child learned from parents who lied to cover up problems or avoid conflict. Or simply to avoid harsh punishment, or to get needed attention. But as an adult, that tactic is no longer appropriate.)

-Judge themselves without mercy.

-Have trouble accepting compliments.

-Often take responsibility for problems, but not successes. Or they go to the other extreme and refuse to take any responsibility for mistakes while trying to take credit for the work of others.

-Have trouble having fun since their childhoods were lost, stolen, repressed.

-Take themselves very seriously or not seriously at all.  

-Have difficulty with intimate relationships.

-Expect others to just "know what they want." (They can't express it because they were so often disappointed as children that they learned to stop asking for things.)

-Over-react to things beyond their control.

-Constantly seek approval & affirmation.

-Feel different from others.

-Are extremely loyal, even when facing overwhelming evidence that their loyalty is undeserved.

-Are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

-Tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. (This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. The result is they spend much energy blaming others, feeling victimized and cleaning up messes.)

She also makes this observation:

Intelligent people, through their ability to analyze, often realize things which are disconcerting, which others would not see. They also are often capable of feeling more deeply, both pain and joy.

 

 

(OK, well maybe 5...ugh)

[thephoenix1011]

I feel some sadness for the person I was back then, and some relief I only experience fleeting moments of it in my life these days. 

I also recognize, yet again, that in response to the abuse I endured, I employ some of those tactics myself now in order to "protect" myself.

Does anyone remain meek and mild through abuse, or how common is what I'm experiencing I wonder.

 

Some of the Consequences

-Mistakes are concealed

-People are under constant stress

-Needs are frustrated, denied

-Fear dominates

-Power is based on fear, not respect

-Information is withheld and distorted

-Information flow is primarily from top down

-Behavior is forced; does not come naturally

Behavior is not consistent with true feelings, which adds to the stress

-Conflicts and problems are blamed on the dependent's "poor attitudes" and "character flaws."

All of this tears the dependent person apart, causing self-alienation and even self-loathing.

The dependent person loses faith in his/her own mind and feelings with devastating self-esteem consequences.

Depression, rage, mood swings, co-dependency, self-injury and self-destruction are typical outcomes.

If the authority figure is a parent the person will likely develop symptoms of various "disorders" such as the so-called Borderline Personality disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Anorexia, Bulemia etc.

[lelee]

I am able to love my children better now that my N is gone. I don’t have to worry about getting caught up in his games. I can love then openly and honestly and talk to them about things. And I can be honest about how I feel. My memory is shot to hell these days. I asked my daughter tonight to remind me about going to see about getting her new frames for her glasses and I honestly explained that with all of the stress I am experiencing these days that I do forget things and that it wasn’t that I didn’t love her or not want to get her glasses. At the end of my marriage, I am pretty sure that I was emotionally abusive to him. I had gotten to weary of it all. It was frustrating to never be able to reach my N. I longed for a relationship that was intimate and genuine. His lies became more and more frequent and his games became more and more obvious. I slugged him in the head the night that he left, true that I was trying to get away from him but still I don’t feel good about hitting him. I had never hit anyone before. A lot of times people think that emotional abuse isn’t abuse but it is. For me, the physical abuse has been easier to get over than the emotional abuse. I keep thinking about all of the ugly things that he said to me and wondering, even knowing that he is as sick as he is, whether or not its true. Some days I do pretty good. Somedays I still see myself as fat and ugly and undesirable. All of the things that he said to me. I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the abuse from my bipolar first husband. I think that I am co-dependent and something in me makes me look for men that need fixing. I won’t be quick ( or maybe ever) to step into another relationship with another man. There is too much hurt and distrust right now for that for me.

[mariel_lee]

Lelee,

Everything you are feeling is “normal” for having gone through all you have. You definately need to re-aquaint yourself with yourself. I forget sometimes who says what and who is seeking therapy or not. I do hope that you are being supported from a therapist. Have you heard of EMDR? This may be very helpful to you, along with talk therapy. Personally, I believe it’s all about US. Why do we choose the partners we choose? When I met my husband, I honestly thought that I was breaking the mold. He presented himself as someone he wasn’t. He presented himself as the man I wanted him to be. I showed my vulnerable side and he ran with it. I think that (right there) is the key that opens the Pandora’s box; our vulnerability. We are ever so open with our feelings and our hurts, thinking we have a dear one who is very concerned, but instead he/she is looking for a way in to… With my learning, I have come to realize my importance as a woman, a mother, and a partner. I know what I will accept and what I will no longer accept. I trust my intuition and usually go with it. I have still been pulled with those “triggers,” but they are not fewer and farther in-between. I am not as spontaneous with my reactions. I tend to think first rather then react first. As a result of my behavior change, I have noticed a big change with my sons’ behaviors and reactions of my anger. We have been able to have a much healthier relationship as a result of my changing. And as a result of my changing, I have noticed some big changing in my sons. It is the education, the grieving cycle, and the belief in myself that has brought me to this place. While, like Mamolie has said, and I have said before, you will not have the family you so longed for; the way you thought it was suppose to be, but you will definately come to know yourself on a different level and appreciate and value the person who you are. And after that, no-one will ever be able to take that away from you again. And that is when you will be able to “clearly” see the other person for who He/She is. And then you are able to forgive and feel empathy in a very healthy way.

[lelee]

Yes my therapist does EMDR and I have had some good results with it in the past. Mostly lately though its been talking about things and trying to get an understanding. I have my good days and my bad days. Some days it feels like I am just going through the motions and my head and heart are a real mess. I am a paramedic and I work 24 hour shifts and frankly, lately I have been glad for the exhaustion at the end of a shift. I think its going to take me a long time if ever to get through all of this. Tonight my kids and I put up the Christmas tree and it really threw me for a loop. There were all of his ornaments and things, and special ornaments that he had packaged last year. It made me think about him. After the tree was up I locked myself in my room and cried. Just when I think I am away from all of the pain and hurt it resurfaces. Last year Christmas was pretty good and he was well behaved. I enjoyed it. I don’t miss the person that I now know that he is but I sure do miss the person that I thought he was. Tonight I feel so cold and empty and alone and frightened of the future. I think to myself how can I miss a child molester? He did such a great job of wearing all of those masks of his. I know now that it was all a fake. He did a great job on me with his abuse. Right now it doesn’t feel like i will ever get over it and that I won’t ever feel some kind of semblance of normal ever again. The grand jury has finally handed down an indictment against him and a warrant for his arrest but they didn’t arrest him last week because it happened right before Thanksgiving. I will feel better when he is locked up.

[CRICKET1961]

LELEE, I totally agree. sometimes we all feel the same. holidays are especially hard. i did the same thing fri night. cried all night. then try to get the nerve to try to start dating on top of it… nightmares  . hang in there girl… crickrt

— On Sun, 11/30/08, lelee npd-cpt11123@lists.careplace.com wrote:

From: lelee npd-cpt11123@lists.careplace.com
Subject: Re: [npd] emotional abuse
To: heyroxann@yahoo.com
Date: Sunday, November 30, 2008, 6:31 PM

[thephoenix1011]

came across this this morning:

Differences between mental illness and psychiatric injury

The person who is being bullied will eventually say something like “I think I’m being paranoid…”; however they are correctly identifying hypervigilance, a symptom of PTSD, but using the popular but misunderstood word paranoia. The differences between hypervigilance and paranoia make a good starting point for identifying the differences between mental illness and psychiatric injury.

Paranoia

* paranoia tends to endure and to not get better of its own accord

* the paranoiac will not admit to feeling paranoid, as they cannot see their paranoia

* sometimes responds to drug treatment

* the paranoiac often has delusions of grandeur; the delusional aspects of paranoia feature in other forms of paranoia is a form of mental illness; the cause is thought to be internal, eg - a minor variation in the balance of brain chemistry

* mental illness, such as schizophrenia

* the paranoiac is convinced of their self-importance

* paranoia is often seen in conjunction with other symptoms of mental illness, but not in conjunction with symptoms of PTSD

* the paranoiac is convinced of their plausibility

* the paranoiac feels persecuted by a person or persons unknown (eg "they're out to get me")

* sense of persecution

* the sense of persecution felt by the paranoiac is a delusion, for usually no-one is out to get them

* the paranoiac is on constant alert because they know someone is out to get them

* the paranoiac is certain of their belief and their behaviour and expects others to share that certainty

vs.

Hypervigilance

* is a response to an external event (violence, accident, disaster, violation, intrusion, bullying, etc) and therefore an injury

* wears off (gets better), albeit slowly, when the person is out of and away from the situation which was the cause

* the hypervigilant person is acutely aware of their hypervigilance, and will easily articulate their fear, albeit using the incorrect but popularised word "paranoia"

* drugs are not viewed favourably by hypervigilant people, except in extreme circumstances, and then only briefly; often drugs have no effect, or can make things worse, sometimes interfering with the body's own healing process

* the hypervigilant person often has a diminished sense of self-worth, sometimes dramatically so

* the hypervigilant person is often convinced of their worthlessness and will often deny their value to others

* hypervigilance is seen in conjunction with other symptoms of PTSD, but not in conjunction with symptoms of mental illness

* the hypervigilant person is aware of how implausible their experience sounds and often doesn't want to believe it themselves (disbelief and denial)

* the hypervigilant person is hypersensitized but is often aware of the inappropriateness of their heightened sensitivity, and can identify the person responsible for their psychiatric injury

* heightened sense of vulnerability to victimisation

* the hypervigilant person's sense of threat is well-founded, the hypervigilant person often cannot (and refuses to) see that the pathological is doing everything possible to get rid of them

* the hypervigilant person is on alert in case there is danger

* the hypervigilant person cannot bring themselves to believe that the pathological bully cannot and will not see the effect their behaviour is having; they cling naively to the mistaken belief that the pathological will recognise their wrongdoing and apologise

Other differences between mental illness and psychiatric injury include:

Mental illness

    * the cause often cannot be identified

    * the person may be incoherent or what they say doesn't make sense

    * the person may appear to be obsessed

    * the person is oblivious to their behaviour and the effect it has on others

    * the depression is a clinical or endogenous depression

    * there may be a history of depression in the family

    * the person has usually exhibited mental health problems before

    * may respond inappropriately to the needs and concerns of others

    * displays a certitude about themselves, their circumstances and their actions

    * may suffer a persecution complex

    * suicidal thoughts are the result of despair, dejection and hopelessness

    * exhibits despair

    * often doesn't look forward to each new day

    * is often ready to give in or admit defeat

vs.

Psychiatric injury

    * the cause is easily identifiable and verifiable, but denied by those who are accountable

    * the person is often articulate but prevented from articulation by being traumatized

    * the person is obsessive, especially in relation to identifying the cause of their injury and both dealing with the cause and effecting their recovery

    * the person is in a state of acute self-awareness and aware of their state, but often unable to explain it

    * the depression is reactive; the chemistry is different to endogenous depression

    * there is very often no history of depression in the individual or their family

    * often there is no history of mental health problems

    * responds empathically to the needs and concerns of others, despite their own injury

    * is often highly sceptical about their condition and circumstances and is in a state of disbelief and bewilderment which they will easily and often articulate ("I can't believe this is happening to me" and "Why me?" - click here for the answer)

    * may experience an unusually heightened sense of vulnerability to possible victimization (ie hypervigilance)

    * suicidal thoughts are often a logical and carefully thought-out solution or conclusion

    * is driven by the anger of injustice

    * looks forward to each new day as an opportunity to fight for justice

    * refuses to be beaten, refuses to give up 

Common features of Complex PTSD: People suffering Complex PTSD report consistent symptoms which further help to characterize psychiatric injury and differentiate it from mental illness. These include:

    * Fatigue with symptoms of or similar to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (formerly ME)

    * An anger of injustice stimulated to an excessive degree (sometimes but improperly attracting the words "manic" instead of motivated, "obsessive" instead of focused, and "angry" instead of "passionate", especially from those with something to fear)

    * An overwhelming desire for acknowledgement, understanding, recognition and validation of their experience

    * A simultaneous and paradoxical unwillingness to talk about the abuse (click here to see why) or here (click here to see why)

    * A lack of desire for revenge, but a strong motivation for justice

    * A tendency to oscillate between conciliation (forgiveness) and anger (revenge) with objectivity being the main casualty

    * Extreme fragility, where formerly the person was of a strong, stable character

    * Numbness, both physical (toes, fingertips, and lips) and emotional (inability to feel love and joy)

    * Clumsiness

    * Forgetfulness

    * Hyper-awareness and an acute sense of time passing, seasons changing, and distances traveled

    * An enhanced environmental awareness, often on a planetary scale

    * An appreciation of the need to adopt a healthier diet, possibly reducing or eliminating meat - especially red meat

    * Willingness to try complementary medicine and alternative, holistic therapies, etc

    * A constant feeling that one has to justify everything one says and does

    * A constant need to prove oneself, even when surrounded by good, positive people

    * An unusually strong sense of vulnerability, victimization or possible victimization, often wrongly diagnosed as "persecution"

    * Occasional violent intrusive visualizations

    * Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, a sense of being unwanted, unlikeable and unlovable

    * A feeling of being small, insignificant, and invisible

    * An overwhelming sense of betrayal, and a consequent inability and unwillingness to trust anyone, even those close to you

    * In contrast to the chronic fatigue symptoms, depression etc., occasional false dawns with sudden bursts of energy accompanied by a feeling of "I'm better!", only to be followed by a full resurgence of symptoms a day or two later

    * Excessive guilt - when the cause of PTSD is bullying, the guilt expresses itself in forms distinct from "survivor guilt"; it comes out as:

   1. an initial reluctance to take action against the pathological and report him/her knowing that he/she could lose his/her job or otherwise have consequences

   2. later, this reluctance gives way to a strong urge to take action against the pathological so that others, especially successors in the relationship, don't have to suffer a similar fate

   3. reluctance to feel happiness and joy because one's sense of other people's suffering throughout the world is heightened

   4. a proneness to identifying with other people's suffering

   5. a heightened sense of unworthiness, undeservingness and non-entitlement (some might call this shame)

   6. a heightened sense of indebtedness, beholdenness and undue obligation

   7. a reluctance to earn or accept money because one's sense of poverty and injustice throughout the world is heightened

   8. an unwillingness to take ill-health retirement because the person doesn't want to believe they are sufficiently unwell to merit it

   9. an unwillingness to draw sickness, incapacity or unemployment benefit to which the person is entitled

  10. a desire to help others, often overwhelming and bordering on obsession, and to be available for others at any time regardless of the cost to oneself

  11. an unusually high inclination to feel sorry for other people who are under stress or are pathological,

Fatigue
The fatigue is understandable when you realize that in pathology, the target's fight or flight mechanism eventually becomes activated. The fight or flight mechanism is designed to be operational only briefly and intermittently; in the heightened state of alert, the body consumes abnormally high levels of energy. If this state becomes semi-permanent, the body's physical, mental and emotional batteries are drained dry. Whilst the weekend theoretically is a time for the batteries to recharge, this doesn't happen, because:

    * the person is by now obsessed with the situation (or rather, resolving the situation), cannot switch off, may be unable to sleep, and probably has nightmares, flashbacks and replays;

    * sleep is non-restorative and unrefreshing - one goes to sleep tired and wakes up tired

    * this type of experience plays havoc with the immune system; when the fight or flight system is eventually switched off, the immune system is impaired such that the person is open to viruses which they would under normal circumstances fight off; the person then spends each weekend with a cold, cough, flu, glandular fever, laryngitis, ear infection etc so the body's batteries never have an opportunity to recharge.


When activated, the body's fight or flight response results in the digestive, immune and reproductive systems being placed on standby. It's no coincidence that people experiencing constant abuse, harassment report malfunctions related to these systems (loss of appetite, constant infections, flatulence, irritable bowel syndrome, loss of libido, impotence, etc). The body becomes awash with cortisol which in high prolonged doses is toxic to brain cells. Cortisol kills off neuroreceptors in the hippocampus, an area of the brain linked with learning and memory. The hippocampus is also the control centre for the fight or flight response, thus the ability to control the fight or flight mechanism itself becomes impaired. Most survivors of bullying experience symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome 

http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/07/ptsd-as-trauma-disorder-not-psychiatric.html

[thephoenix1011]

from Oprah.com
How can his voice drown out your inner knowing? Patricia Evans explains.

The abuse only happens when you’re alone with him. Friends and coworkers might think he’s a prince, so you doubt your own perceptions or believe his anger must be your fault.
Verbal abuse escalates gradually; you adapt. (The abuse might also become physical.) He’s Jekyll and Hyde, with just enough sweet times to keep you hoping the relationship will improve.
Assuming he’s rational (aren’t all men?) and wants what you want (loving mutuality), you strain to make sense of what he says. But it’s nonsense, designed to confuse you. The shocking truth is, he seeks control, not intimacy.

Yet you can save your spirit. Evans maps out the steps to emotional rescue:

Recognize that the abuse has nothing to do with you or your actions or qualities.
Stop trying to explain and defend yourself. Instead, start setting limits: “Cut that out!” or "I don’t want to hear that."
Listen carefully to your feelings. Believe them, not him.
Get support from a counselor or therapist. Make sure she understands that this isn’t just a “conflict” or an "argument."
Keep in mind that an abuser might be able to change himself if he really wants to—but you can’t change him. You can honor and nurture yourself.

[thephoenix1011]

from Oprah.com:
Seven Signs You’re In A Verbally Abusive Relationship
A checklist from the book that woke up Brandy:

He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week. When you ask why he’s mad, he either denies it or tells you it’s in some way your fault.
When you feel hurt and try to talk with him, the issues never get resolved. He might refuse to discuss your upset feelings by saying “You’re just trying to start an argument!” or claiming he has no idea what you’re talking about.
You frequently feel frustrated because you can’t get him to understand your intentions.
You’re upset—not so much about concrete issues like how much time to spend together, but about communication: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.
You sometimes think, "What’s wrong with me? I shouldn’t feel so bad."
He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything, and his opinion isn’t stated as “I think,” but as if you’re wrong and he’s right.
You can’t recall saying “Cut it out!” or “Stop it!”

Adapted from The Verbally Abusive Relationship © 1992, 1996 by Patricia Evans.

[thephoenix1011]

I only just learned about the term Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder a month or two before starting EMDR but it seems everytime I come across it I’m reading about who I used to be, and its still so fresh in my mind, as if it was literally only a few days ago (although its been 5 months now).

it helps me to have compassion for myself after having been so impatient and such high expectations and perfectionism about my recovery.

I feel very soft about the woman I was for years, who has become for the most part, a memory (thank God).

if anyone else recognizes themselves in those lists, have faith…things get better.

keep hanging on

keep working hard

keep taking one step forward everyday

even if you do occasionally take one step back (Mamolie and Nic baby)

the path is winding and rocky, but its passable.

We’ll all meet each other eventually at the end.

(very very grateful tonight)

[thephoenix1011]

simple but moving video

there are a good number of those examples that fit my experience

excerpts from a book called Women Who Love Psychopaths

"She is left feeling this dichotomy as a sense of safety and yet un-safety. She has a red flag about the psychopath trying to induce dependency. The longer this continues the more loss of independence she is likely to experience.

This is why very independent women often find themselves shocked at what they have been reduced to in a relationship with a psychopath.

Let’s not forget to point out that the psychopath also deliberately puts the woman’s safety at risk. This could be through financial disasters, driving too fast, dealing drugs around her, having other criminal or violent types around her. She definitely has been exposed to a lack of safety in the presence of a psychopath."

anyone else?

[thephoenix1011]

what resonated for me from some reading tonight (see if any of it rings true for you)

"Survivors tell us that verbal abuse always lowers self-esteem, no matter how much they may try to ignore it. _The survivors of verbal abuse consistently reported that they came to believe what they were hearing."_

 

"People who now recognize their own verbally abusive behavior have said that, until the moment they learned that disparagement of another, angry outbursts, ordering, and put-downs in general were abusive, they never for a moment realized that they were being abusive. They knew what they were saying but, like the rapist or the murderer, were unconcerned with the effects of their behavior. They almost always felt better after abusing."

 

-"If she tells him she is unhappy about the incident, he will usually deny that it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight."

 

Controlling with body language and gestures

 

-Sulking

-Refusing to talk

-Withdrawing affection

-Strutting and posturing

-Stomping out

-Walking away

-Hitting something

-Kicking something

-Driving recklessly

 

Controlling by defining her reality

Controlling by defining her motivations

 

"Each time he gets her to "back down," that is, comply and give up trying to reason with him, he believes he has won."

 

The abuser is often so used to relating to his mate in an abusive way that it does not even occur to him that he is being abusive.

 

"By withholding, the verbal abuser is saying, I've got something you want and I can withhold it from you. Therefore, I am in control. Or, If I don't respond, if I refuse to answer, I can control the outcome, that is, I can maintain the status quo. I can be sure that there will be no change. I don't have to ask. I don't say "no." I don't have to say "yes." I don't have to be vulnerable. I can stay in control and therefore risk nothing."

 

 "By countering his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, I can think for both of us. What you think is wrong. What I think is right. If I can get you to doubt yourself, I can control you more easily. "

 

 "By blaming his partner for his abuse of her, the verbal abuser is saying, You are to blame for your pain and for everything I say or do to you and for everything that isn't the way I want it to be , so I do not have to stop my behavior. I'm in control."

 

 "By undermining his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, When I erode your confidence and lessen your determination, you are easier to control."

 

  "By denying all of his abusive behavior, the abuser is saying, I can keep everything exactly as it is, with you under my control, and I will not be held accountable."

 

"By being abusively angry, the abuser is saying, As long as I am scary and threatening to you I can have my way."

 

"He never admitted being wrong, never, ever, apologized."

 

"Women report a "strangeness" about the communication in their relationship best described as an unreal feeling."

 

 "He wanted not only to control her but also to vent his feelings with impunity. All the while, she believed that he only felt a bit insecure and needed to feel more loved."

 

"Women often say they see abusers as weak, while their abusers say that they believe they were doing nothing wrong and felt in fact that they were "real men."

 

"Once you've realized he has lied, you can then question the validity of everything he says and has said. And it is that realization that is the first key to gaining your freedom."

 ****(this was my experience regularly, ugh)

Regarding the blame game:  

        Victims often feel that "It is equally incomprehensible that the abuse has nothing to do with her." If she can just explain things right, he'll see her side. It only gives him more ammunition.

 

      from a letter by L.D., Loveland, Co: "For the longest time I felt if I just did this or that "things" would be better. Not! He'd just change his method of abuse. Every time I told him he was hurting me _he'd do something worse."_ [my emphasis]

 

1. The Explaining Trap

 

2. The "If You Feel Your Pain, You Are A Victim" Trap

3. The "He Doesn't Really Mean It so It Shouldn't Hurt" Trap

4. The "I Should Be Able to Take It" Trap

5. The "Saying 'I'm Hurt' Is Blaming" Trap

6. The "Setting a Good Example" Trap

7. The "I Am Responsible" Trap

8. The "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" Trap

9. Emotional and Financial Traps

 

10. Trapped by Beliefs

 

      "He would wound.

      She couldn't say "Stop it" or "That hurts!" If she did, he would either feel blamed, or enticed by her vulnerability to really go after her "like dead meat on a hook." So instead they agreed that she would say something that suggested she was "gone" to him, defended, behind a wall, like, I'm protected.

      He would then apologize to win her back.

      She would accept.

      The cycle could begin again at any moment.

      What this couple had done is take the concept of blame and make her guilty of blaming if she dared let him know he was abusing her. The one thing the abuser wants most is for his partner to take responsibility for his feelings - just as the rapist wants his victim to be blamed for his violence.

      Even more astonishing is that in order to reinforce her agreement to endure her pain without flinching or revealing it (other than by saying, "I'm protected") the woman seemed to believe that is she expressed her pain by crying out, "That hurts!" she would be "being a victim." This fit nicely with her abuser's desire to inflict pain without having to hear a complaint.

      Thus, the person actually being protected was the abuser."

"When a child is molested or abused, there are not two sides. Similarly, when an adult is verbally abused and threatened, there are not two sides. One person is not attacking and the other counterattacking. On the contrary, one is trying to understand and not upset the other, whose behavior is directed toward maintaining control and dominance with overt or covert attacks."

 

"No one's dealt with this terrible diseased painful stripping of human beings. It is in effect like cancer. A major underground epidemic. A systematic disease sometimes in remission, not contagious - but predisposed. It can - often does- kill. It affects one's health. I testify to this. It robs you of energy, drive, certainty, talent, spirit, and love."

 

"Never a compliment, never a thank-you, never a sorry, never I was wrong, never forgive me."

 

"Survivors often express a feeling of incredulousness about their mate's behavior because it is so foreign to them."

 

Ten Common Traps (pages 113)

Notes specifically Christian beliefs that bind two people together forever

 

"To learn about verbal abuse and control issues, I attended a support group for abused women for over two years. Week after week, women would walk in with broken bones, bruises, cuts. They'd tell about being taken to the hospital emergency room, some more than once.

      With woman after woman, I'd ask, "Which was worse in your relationship, the physical abuse of the verbal abuse?"

      And without exception the answer was the verbal abuse.

 

 "One cannot necessarily get a verbal abuser to recognize his behavior, much less realize its destructiveness."

 

 

 

http://www.pinn.net/~sunshine/book-sum/v_abuse.html

[thephoenix1011]

Verbal assaults, such as a constant barrage of insults about a person’s appearance, intelligence, or general self-worth. This can also include fabricated accusations of infidelity or blaming the partner for things that are going wrong in the abuser’s life. Ignoring the partner, which might include social indifference (such as going out regularly without one’s partner or not acknowledging the partner at a social occasion), sexual apathy (withholding sexual intimacy), and more. Minimizing the partner, as in not recognizing or belittling successes or achievements, teasing the partner when she or he becomes upset during an argument, telling the partner that no one else would want to be with her or him, etc. Setting unrealistic expectations, such as maintaining that the abuser be considered most important in the partner’s life (before family and friends), demanding constant attention, insisting that the partner demonstrate clearly her or his love for the abuser (which is never enough), and more.

Emotional abuse is very often subtle and confusing – in fact, it is designed to be this way by the abuser. As long as the abuser’s partner remains confused, she or he will remain in the relationship. And that’s exactly what the abuser wants.

Many counselors and therapists, however, do not recommend couple’s counseling alone as an effective treatment for an abusive relationship because true abusers are very skilled at playing the part of the misunderstood partner and have no interest in or reason for changing. This ends up doing even more emotional and psychological harm to the partner being abused, who can end up being seen as the person with the problem.