Family Involvement?

[vallemil]

Hi,
I am sorry this is so long!
I am about to be the ex-mother in-law of what I think is a NPD young woman. I am just wondering how big a role the mother or father plays into this. What do you guys think about this?
This is someone who was adopted as a baby and an only child. Her father is pretty much in the background, doesn’t quite seem all there but nice enough. The mother comes across as nice at first but will defend her daughters behavior no matter what or how crazy it is. She will even acknowledge that her daughter is acting as a monster (her words, not mine) but continues to feed into it.

The young woman also along with her parents inherited quite a bit of wealth from the grandparents a few years back. This is on the fathers side, the mothers side has no money.

The girl never finished school, I don’t think she finished junior high, she has never held a job as far as I know and basically the family around her, cousins an aunt and her parents are under her control pretty much when around her. It’s the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. In the 2 years I’ve known her, I’ve probably only been around her less than 10 times even though they lived nearby. Why? Well, I didn’t know how to be around her, it drove me crazy plus she could care less but my son had to go on trips and be around her family a lot.

EVERY time there was an event or something that WE were having, she moped, was sick or caused drama because I believe she wasn’t the center of attention. Or she would go buy something to make her feel better or draw attention back to her. One example is we had only her family over for a swim and cookout on mothers day and thought it would be nice to do it every year. Less than a week later she was having a swimming pool put in that was much bigger etc. than ours. So, we knew the yearly thing wouldn’t happen again.

I think the things that really made me take a look at this was when my son was diagnosed with a cancer (he’s ok for now) and my friend went with me to meet him at the dr. office to see what the surgery would entail and how bad it was and she was there with her mom and dad too.
She spent the entire time leaning her head on her mom and saying things like, I’m so tired, I had to get up early, (the appt was 2:00 in the afternoon!) whined. It was so embarassing. My friend said she felt like getting up and slapping her! I just said, well I guess you need to go to bed earlier!
I have always kept my mouth shut out of respect for my son.Anyway, you get the idea.
If she wanted to eat somewhere at 3 in the morning and called her mom, she would go eat with her. Nobody works of course, it’s just bizarre.
I have to share this one last thing because it is the one that hurt us the most. My husband had a family reunion to go to, we haven’t made it to many. He was involved in the planning and the special presentation for the family with a project he worked very hard on about his grandparents. Anyway, we asked them to go and I told my son, do not pressure her to go because I don’t want her to sulk. Well, at first she wasn’t going but decided to and brought her cousin and her husband with them.
They drove, we flew and met up there. I won’t go into everything, but she made them leave after one night. She called her mom and threatened to walk off. Well, they all 4 had to leave and drive all the way back after seeing nothing.
It broke my heart for my husband and my son. He just didn’t know what to do and felt he couldn’t let her just walk off down the road. I know her mom would have probably drove all the way there and picked her up, (she doesn’t like to fly) so they left.
She also has social anxiety which made it worse. She has been off and on medications but my son said she was better when she was off them which is where the mother comes into play again.
I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with this any more and can see my son again.

So, what do you think?

[mollybee]

Where is that book on how to deal with your adult children and their partners, when are you crossing a line or intruding in their lives. I struggle with this also. My husband drank and carried on for 25 years, not all the time, but when he did it was bad. He quit drinking but life only improved a little, I found out last year he is a narcissists. I had talked to both of my kids, when they left home, that if I ever saw anything in their lives that looked anything like what went on here, I would be very vocal about it and not look the other way, like my husbands family did and pretend nothing is going on, especially if they have children. I hoped that it would not happen but of coarse it did. My son’s partner , is he thinks, bi polar , but she acts like his father, I think it is narcissistic personality disorder, Several time she threatend to harm the children, and that is when grandma had a talk with her about getting help. My son has issues also, I worried he would hurt her, but she has so many more problems than him. The information is there about how you damage your children with you adult problems, work them out, your children should not have to deal with them. Well she does not like me any more, but I get to watch the kids when her family can’t. They do everything for her and treat her like a child. She has not bonded with the kids, she is all about herself. Her family knows something is wrong with her, thats why they do everything they can to keep the stress off of her. My son owns an Italian Restaurant, they all think they hit the jack pot, she does not have one thing to do, no cooking ,cleaning, laundry, and she has my son convinced taking care of the kids is so hard. I look at her and wonder how I managed to get everything done when they were kids, I had no help. So I told them both If they wanted to live that way and it was just the two of them, I would be sad, but could not tell them how to live, how ever if my son tells me something, I will tell him that it is not normal and that is abuse. She needs help, they are in counseling again, but she needs serious help on her own, if she can be helped at all. I tell him how serious this situation is, no mother threatens to do harm to her children when fighting with her partner. She does not cook there are no meal times,my son cooks but has to work in his restaurant, so it is mostly take out food or go to the restaurant for pasta and pizza. It makes me crazy but I don’t have the right to tell them how to feed their kids. Nap and sleep time are the most important thing to her, not 3 well balanced meals a day, nap time is her down time, she does nothing don’t why she is so tired and needs down time. Does your son talk to you about his life, Does he understand all the kinds of abuse there are? How sad there was no concern for his health, but that is the way a narcissists is they have no empathy. It sounds like he is doing everything to keep the peace, and jumping through hoops to keep her happy and neglecting himself. You can talk to your kids and point things out to them but you have to find away to live with some of it, we can’t make it right for them, only they can. I have said a million times, I wish someone would have been there for me and pointed out that I was in an abusive marriage. I will be that person for my son and daughter when I see something serious going on,they might not like it, but it will be planted in their head that something is very wrong and they may wake up a lot sooner than I did. I wish that book was there to referr to, I sit and debate do I have a right to say anything, most things we don’t they will do things differently than us. Do you know if she is abusive with your son, has he said anything to you. narcissists and abusive people try to isolate you from your family and friends. My son thinks her family is so helpfull and good to them, they don’t want her back so they do everything and anything to keep things smooth , they are not helping, they are keeping her from getting the help she needs. I am having a hard time being around these people, I am getting more outspoken in my old age and getting to the point I will say something to her mother and granmother, because there are two beautifull innocent children involved. Please talk to your son when you can, before there are children throw into this, it can get worse. Hugs Mamolie

[system]

Sounds like the attention-seeking behaviour of a very immature person to me. How old is she? I’d bet she’s in her early 20s based on what you describe. She doesn’t sound like she has NPD though.

People who have an NPD usually use charm to fool folks into thinking that they are something other than their real selves (they have a false self specifically created for this purpose). They seek admiration and respect first and foremost. They only resort to the kind of behaviour that you describe as a last resort.

Most people never have a close enough relationship with an N to know the reality. That’s reserved for those who are unfortunate enough to become their partners/spouse. Also, all the time that you’re ‘nice’ to an N, they’ll be nice right back. They only show bad behaviour if you withdraw what they need (admiration/respect).

The girl definitely sounds dysfunctional but not in an NPD kind of way. Sounds like your son is well-rid of her. She sounds like a spoilt, selfish little girl - her parents must be so proud (!)

Nothing much you can do except be there to help and support your son in any way you can.

Hope he finds a nice girl in the future - someone worthy of him (and his very caring mum).

[vallemil]

Thanks for your replies. I am not sure that she has NPD but I guess it’s just that I have never met anyone like this before in my life. I suppose she could just be spoiled, bi-polar maybe and just be extremely selfish!

Whatever she is I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with it any longer. I just started looking up narcissism and came across this. A lot of it sounds like her but not all I guess.

I didn’t really have to point anything out to my son. He knew it was crazy but just gave it his best shot. He is already so much happier and enjoying being relaxed for now. I think the actual divorce could be ugly but in Texas it’s 50/50 no fault divorce state so he just wants to get it over with and move on. I think he learned his lesson!

Mamolie, I feel for you. I wish someone had been there for you years ago too. I think a lot of people stay in situations they shouldn’t.

We really do have to let our kids figure some things out on their own. I know it must be difficult when you are worried about the grandchildrens well being and safety. I said a prayer for you and hope you can continue a relationship with them and be the stability they need in their lives.

Take care.