Feel sorry for you N?

Narcissistic personality disorder
#21

Thanks Lelee,
I,too, am going through a divorce with an NPD man. Your comments would be similiar to mine.

I had a reunion with a friend whom I hadn’t seen in 15 years. After listening to my history and my observations of the di-vorce, she commented then that she felt then and from my observations, that he was then and now, similiar to a “Peter Pan” child who mentally has never grown up. I somewhat disagree, he occaisionally has taken care of me and my child when absolutely necessary but recently I found that he has resented it.

The sad part is that my 19 year old daughter, too, is a child who can’t seem to grow up mentally either. :frowning: I think it is too early for me to define her as N.

#22

Today I actually feel different than what I’d previously posted. If there’s one thing I can count on with the relatioNship itself, or the aftermath of the breakup is, nothing stays the same.

Anyway…I dont have the appropriate words for it, but its a softer feeling. I dont feel sorry for him, I havent hated him since I got out of the hospital, but the last few days I have been thinking about him -

not the asshole and how he hurt me,

not the beautiful man who once seemed so good to me,

not the broken dreams or the nightmare while staying,

but just of him, as a person.

I think what I feel is some compassion that things arent ever calm for him inside. That there’s never any rest, no comfort in silence and inaction, that theres no tolerance for boredom, that theres no sitting with self, but always struggling to improve how he sees himself in competition with others. I dont know, even these arent the right words.

I just have a sense it hasnt been a good inner life for him, and it likely wont be a good inner life for him in future

and in contrast I have been feeling so good over the last few weeks when I cant fully understand it

and the contrast between those leaves me feeling soft hearted.

bah – no right words. Does anyone else understand what I’m getting at?

#23

Phoenix, I think I understand what you mean. You can feel compassion for someone without feeling “sorry” for them specifically. NPD seems like an infection of the soul which is very unfortunate. If it was just an infection of the person who is afflicted with the ailment only, then it may be even more unfortunate, but the way it manifests itself is by trying to infect all of those around it and steal their souls as well makes it a little more disgusting. The inability of the afflicted to feel love is very difficult for me to comprehend. Without loving others and feeling loved I am not sure what the purpose in life is. This especially the inability to accept that God loves them. It seems that may be the deepest affliction.

Was anyone’s N religious? My husband denies even believing in God. I think it would require him denying his own superiority. He is very uncomfortable with me exploring my faith and even praying in front of him. He gets livid when he gets into my car and realizes that I had been listening to Christian radio.Did anyone else experience this? Is he just particularly uncomfortable with God personally or is it a typical N thing?

#24

I think they do love, like a child loves. They feel emotional attachment, desire, affection…but theyre missing the empathy part - the adult part of love. So like a child can love its mother and feel attachment, my N/S wanted and was attached to me, but without empathy he stayed like a child, taking and soaking in it and getting his needs met, but unable and unwanting to meet my needs and feeling criticized and punishing if I expressed my pain and frustration at giving much more than I ever got.

And I guess thats the part I have compassion for, because any future wife or children will suffer if they cant get their needs met from him…and the cycle continues I suppose.

I’d like to thank SMG for making that part of the equation so clear for me in her many posts - the childish part, the lack of adult love.

It helps me feel less like its an evil or souless thing, and more just a tragic injury that keeps my ex from reaching what could have helped make our relationship bearable, let alone mutually loving and rewarding.

It also helps me keep in mind what to visualize and expect my next partner (if there ever is one) to be, what I need to look out for…empathy, compassion, the adult ability to deny or delay gratification in order to mutually meet each others needs.

#25

I did learn so much tolerance from smg in realizing that he is just a child inside. I forget that sometimes this is the case and I get so angry and feel slighted. I need to avoid those feelings, but it is difficult.

#26

Well, I’m not sure about the “shoulds”.

I know my process was just that, a matter of taking bites and chewing them so thoroughly I got spiritual, emotional and physical indigestion in that process but I believe in that a helluva lot more than I do collecting all the “shoulds” and swallowing them whole.

The heart wants what it wants. And if it was easy enough to get to the end of the trail just by willing it to happen I’d have gotten here a lot earlier, believe me.

I didnt enjoy any of the feelings I had, but it seems I needed to feel them all.

I wouldnt lecture myself if I were you.

Feel what you need to feel, do what you need to do, chew what you need to chew and get to where you need to be.

#27

You right, the lecturing myself has been encoded into me for so long, I just automatically start doing it. Some of the feelings are so strong that I feel bad for being so angry with someone I love, especially for something that they aren’t really in control of.

I have a hard time letting myself feel anything really intensely because I feel like I’ve been trying to stifle everything now for a while to avoid getting hurt. It is scary to let go.

#28

I've been trying to stifle everything now for a while to avoid getting hurt

Yeah well thats exactly what I did for more than a year, and look where I ended up with it?

But then I needed to hold myself together for reasons that were important to me too.

I dont know, I'm starting to think we'll all get to where we need to be, its just a matter of the when and how.

#29

I can only imagine that it is even more difficult anna if you live your life in god. Compassion and forgiveness is such a big part of that.

It makes me glad in some ways that I did not know about NPD, and had just decided that he was basically extremely thick, and that I had had enough. Too tired to keep doing it all while he played and malingered at my physical, emotional and financial expense. Year in year out, same old misunderstandings, same old arguements, just increasingly more resentment and deeper hurt on my part, and increasingly bigger tantrums on his.

But then again, if I had found out about it 10 years ago, might I have left him years before I did? I really dont know what I would have done with my knowledge.

Pheonixx, I have copied your first paragraph and may quote it in the future, hope you dont mind, but its bang on accurate. Those words clarified something for me.

xx

#30

cymbele

“he occaisionally has taken care of me and my child when absolutely necessary but recently I found that he has resented it.” I can identify with this, basically it gets thrown back in your face, thats just standard issue ammo with N’s.

I am sorry about your daughter, its sad and difficult to have these concerns. So much to come to terms with.

thinkin of ya,

#31

Nic, I think that my faith has helped me get through more than it has really caused any heartache. Yes, I do believe in the “deep-down good” in people (sometimes too much) which makes it very hard to believe that someone is being so terrible even if it IS right before my eyes. But, I can’t really seperate “me” from “my faith” if that makes any sense. What I mean is that I think believing in the good in people and having compassion (even for people who really do me wrong) is more a part of my personality and my nature than anything else.

On the other hand, my belief in the omnipotence and all-loving nature of God keeps me hoping that a miraculous recovery is possible for my N. I know that may not be part of the plan though, in which case, I need to get healthy inside myself so that I can live happily.

I believe God wants us to be happy and healthy. I know that He wants me healthy and that very likely includes leaving and starting anew where I can use my experience and suffering to help others.

Anyway, I am not saying that my faith hasn’t waivered and that I haven’t felt “punished” at times.

“Remove the rock from your shoe rather than learning to limp comfortably.” ~Stephen C. Paul

This quote is interesting because for most of us, it’s trying to unlearn the limp that is the hardest part.

#32

Nic - your comment about “throwing things back in your face” took me back. My N would ask enough about me to gather ammo - never because he was really interested. Whenever we were arguing, all of a sudden he’d throw something painful from my past in the middle. It would loosely fit the argument, but wasn’t the sort of thing “normal” people do. Once he yelled at me that I was never able to hold onto a man - I was married 3 times - so what the hell was wrong with me - obviously it was me! Okayyyy - I’ve been married ONCE and had one 9 year relationship and he’s yelling misinformation at me (ps - he’s NEVER been married!). But, it was enough to rattle me, have me defending myself and completely derail the argument! Very, very effective manipulation…(hmmmm - I feel sorry for him why?)

As far as being glad that you found out: I was speaking this weekend to the girlfriend of mine who actually led me in the NPD direction when my N was at his worst. We had never seen anyone display behavior like his and she started doing research and first told me to explore Narcissicism. Now, I’m no professional and I hate amateur diagnosing - but, we all know that “if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck…”. He ended up fitting the NPD criteria to a T - 100%. It SO helped me look at him in a different light those last couple of months and allowed me time to play enough manipulation “games” to be sure I couldn’t fix (nor deal with) him and walk away. I told my friend that I was so grateful to her to lead me to you all here.

Annabanana - The lecturing myself and stifling emotions continues with me to this day and I pray it doesn’t last that long for you. I have always been “okay” with myself, but now my “self - speak” is atrocious! I recognize it, but can’t stop it. It’s attached to stifling my emotions as well, I think. I have always had goals and hopes and enthusiasm for life. I had a co-worker ask me yesterday what was “wrong” with me? I am clearly not myself and haven’t been for weeks - I don’t know if it’s a temporary thing or permanent because I actually feel like I’ve given up on love, life and happiness - that’s NOT me!! Never has been!! Still, I can pray that this doesn’t happen to you. Now, that being said, I think we all probably go through phases of negative self-speak and dead emotions - I pray they don’t last long for you. (hmmm - I feel sorry for him why?)

#33

Somehow I think it may be easier if he would go off and find himself a new source of NS. It would be easier and less stressful to leave- less feeling responsible.

I know exactly what that “feigning empathy” looks like. In fact, my H makes a specific face when he is doing it, like his mind is elsewhere and wants to get onto whatever he was thinking about. It is the same face that comes right after he asks me “what’s wrong” if I’m upset. Its like he knows that is what he is “supposed” to do so he does it even though he thinks it’s an annoyance.

I know that I would never want to live his existence though. No matter what, I would rather have terrible REAL feelings than feeling nothing but self-hate. At least we are lucky that those feelings come and go. Ns have them all the time, which is why they need to look to those around them for their NS.

#34

It has been seven years since the separation from my ex-husband. It has been debilitating going through the grieving. The grieving was a combination of losing a family and the realization of loving an image of a person who never could quite give all of himself, and in-between, constantly up against the on-gong vindictiveness and destruction against me for being me, if you know what I mean. During these seven years, I have been in and out of court. I have been told how “bad” I am. I have been demeaned, devalued, humiliated, and punished from afar. I have been hung up on, blocked from email, and accused of things that my ex-husband has done. I have had a private investigator pose as a person giving a spa survay to try to entrap me to sign the man I was living with’s name on the line where it said “husband” so he could get me for “common law marriage”, and I have been cut off financially just because. It has cost me a lot, both financially and emotionally. If I didn’t have the strength I do, I may not have come this far. However, even after the hundreds of books I have read on this subject, the thousands of hours I have spent in therapy, and the river of tears that I have cried, I still, from time to time feel very bad for this man whom was once my husband of 23 years, and the father of my two sons. I feel bad because I think I know him better than he knows himself. Having NO communication with him puts these feelings into perspective in a healthier way. The one thing to remember with these people is that while we do tend to feel badly or sorry or empathize, they do not think there is anything wrong with them, and that it’s all YOU, therefore they move on. As quickly as you leave them, they are able to pick up, actually even during the transition, they are looking for that Narcissistic Supply, and once they find it, you are replaced, just like that. It is so very strange to us because we are ever so feeling. We can’t still understand what it’s like not to be able to empathize. We know the feeling of temporary numbness, but that too is not the same. So we can only imagine, and even during the imagining, we can tend to lose sight of the true nature of that beast. When wasted youth said that Narcissist’s can empathize to an extent, I do not believe a true pathological narcissist can. He can fein it, but I do not believe he can feel it. Empathy is or it isn’t.
My ex was sick a few weeks back. It was a little scary for my sons and even I was a little worried. As my son was on the phone with him, I mentioned in the background, him going to the hospital, and proceeded to show signs of concern. Before I knew it, my son hung up and said, “Mom, dad hung up because he didn’t want to hear your voice!” And so goes the feeling of empathy…

#35

Hi everyone…I’m new here…but not new to the issue. I’ve been reading all your posts for several hours now and I want to thank you for sharing all the pain so openly and honestly. It has validated and confirmed much for me. Isn’t it wild how we victims all come out of this feeling like we did something wrong? My XN (feel like I’m getting ready to write an algebra formula here)…finally left a week ago after I did all I could to turn the tables and make him miserable for a change. …miserable enough to leave at my request. I now sit here and think about all the nasty trash he is spreading to friends and family concerning the nasty “bitch” that put him out on the streets. The poor baby…No…I don’t feel sorry for him…I used to…he of course took even those feelings and used them against me. Like a good friend once told me…Its a matter of survival, you or him. He only cares about him. Who cares about you? You have to care about you, and not feel sorry for him. You need your life back, and you need to feel human again. The question is…how long will the process of recovery take…will we ever really recover? Will we ever be able to trust again? I hold on to Jesus, he is the ultimate healer. Again, thank you everyone for being here. God bless.

#36

I have no idea how long it will take to get back to normal. I’m starting to feel like this may be the new normal for me.

I dont know that I’ll ever trust again. I know I dont have the capapcity to trust now, but I’m willing for that to be different.

Hopefully that willingness will be enough to make the ground fertile over time.

Its a long walk, but I’m glad I’m on it rather than having fallen down and not been able to get up again.

Soemtimes progress was so slow I felt stuck or incapacitated, but if I compare myself to this time last year, the improvement is easily tangible and visible and BELIEVABLE.

good luck to you

#37

Welcome ChrystalRose and hello to everyone else who have so bravely shared their personal struggles…After some years of therapy. I do feel a great deal of forgiveness and compassion towards them…Much like other members have stated, letting go of the anger, fear and pain is a little bit scary, like losing my protective armor in a sense, but how can I hate people who didn’t choose to be this way and can’t really help the way that they are?? While the initial shock was a bit of a free fall, in time I’ve found my bearings, the ice melts and the healing begins, largely due to the invaluable people on here…