Although she has never been sought diagnosis or treatment, I am pretty sure my ex-wife suffers from NPD. I didn’t know what to call the problem until now, but I now recognize that it is adversefly affecting both our children and me. I am seeking better handling and coping skills.
What are good techniques for handling someone with NPD who seriously affects you, but over whom you have no control?
HRW, the number 1 question is how is she with the kids? Does she behave as badly with the kids or just you? How old are your children? How ofen do you have the kids and how often do you have to have contact with her. You can set up some boundaries and keep conversations only about the kids and don’t let her drag you into anything else. Hang up, cut it short, or walk away. Do not try to reason with her about anything, do not think you can get through to her about anything,They can only think about their needs and no one else will ever matter. Has anyone ever called her on or noticed her behavior other than you? What does her family have to say about it? Do you have any support from your family or friends. Could you give a little more information about her behavior and who left who. Mine is Mr Wonderful to the outside world, no one would believe me if I tried to tell them, you have to live it to know what they are like. If possible, find a therapist that knows about this disorder and maybe they can help with what you need to tell your children, at some point they will need to know, there is nothing wrong with them.Do a search for therapist that specialize in personality disorders in your area, many are not qualified to help us, even interview to be sure. There is no help for a narcissist. There is nothing wrong with you, keep that in mind when you have to be around her. They have a way of making you feel responsible and guilty for everything. I am here if you want to share more. You are not alone, in this, others know exactly how you feel. Hugs mamolie
Mamolie,
Thank you much for this note.? I have the kids about half time and they are aware something is wrong with Mom, but don’t really have a name for it other than outbursts of anger.? I am working with a therapist to address my own assertiveness and to find a way to communicate to the kids that mom’s behavior is not normal or apprpriate.? If I can’t keep them totally out of the enviroment, I want to provide them one healthy environment and let them know it’s not right and they should not model their own lives out of it in the effort to be professionally and financially successful (as mom is).
The therapist previously helped me with my fear of flying.?? She taught me that fear of flying is typically not really related to flying, but rather some other problem that has jumped across the brain to be manifested as such.?? Using EMDR, we were able to identify my real problem as post traumatic stress disorder related to my marriage to the kids mom.? I am now flying fine (and a big advocate of EMDR), and trying to address the underlying PTSD and dealing with mom.
It’s a long road. I’m really happy to hear I am not alone.
HRW
HRW Good to hear she works, limits her time with them. Just make sure they think Mom had a bad day or something, so they never think they are responsible, till they can be told what is really wrong. You are right on with providing the healthy enviorment and emotional stability, especially in shared custody. Give them lots of love and attention, and it will be ok. Once I found out mine was a narcissists, I was finally able to release and make sense of so many awful memories, that just could not be explained through the years. It was such a relief to know it was not me, it was the disorder that caused all that crazy making and pain. I am sure you must have been questioning your sanity along the way,such a relief to know it is not you and accept that there is nothing you can do to fix it. That is when the journey to healing begins, it is not so easy but can be done. You have your kids to help keep you busy and focused on what you need to do. I wish you well on your journey, any questions check back in, hugs mamolie