All,
I just sent the “no contact” e-mail to my N yesterday. I have all feelings after being in a relationship with him for 3 years that he will take my request with little to no response. I don’t see him as having the traits of begging for forgiveness and buying material things to get back the door.
Does this mean he may not be NPD? I feel like he is textbook in many many area but this doesn’t seem to be him.
Any ideas?
2 hours ago, Lor wrote:
All,
I just sent the “no contact” e-mail to my N yesterday. I have all feelings after being in a relationship with him for 3 years that he will take my request with little to no response. I don’t see him as having the traits of begging for forgiveness and buying material things to get back the door.
Does this mean he may not be NPD? I feel like he is textbook in many many area but this doesn’t seem to be him.
Any ideas?
Lori,
I can’t say if your guy is NPD or not. From what you have said, it sounds like common male issues where he is training you to let him do as he pleases - its a power game. My father did not have NPD but he did the same to his second wife. He was not going to be owned or controlled. He was going to walk in and out of the door when he felt like it. His dad had died young, he ended up raising his younger siblings, than had six kids with my mom. He worked his ass off in his career and with us kids. Came a point after they divorced and we were grown, when he wanted to go to his ranch, he was going to go regardless of what social event or need his second wife had. She divorced him and they became boyfriend and girlfriend. He bought a house halfway down the block from her. He then provided her company when he wanted, or did whatever else when he wanted. He won and got exactly what he wanted.
From earlier posts if I got them right, you were trying to cover your feelings and he knew exactly what they were anyway and he knows exactly why without you telling. And he has not conceded, not reacted back - he is winning. In NPD, they have great difficulty in perceiving others feelings. It would be more like an N to not have a clue as to why you would be mad, or to not even comprehend that you are mad.
Diagnosis of NPD should be done by a professional. And then, no two are going to be exactly the same and react the same in all situations. They are still uniquely human with their own personalities.
"All, I just sent the "no contact" e-mail to my N yesterday. I have all feelings after being in a relationship with him for 3 years that he will take my request with little to no response. I don't see him as having the traits of begging for forgiveness and buying material things to get back the door. Does this mean he may not be NPD? I feel like he is textbook in many many area but this doesn't seem to be him. Any ideas?"
I don't think that is an indicator either way if a person has NPD or not. There were times my ex would have probably done anything to keep me around, and there were times when she couldn't care less. When I finally went no contact with her she gave in to it with with little resistance. She knew I was serious about it and gave up. Her response also had a lot to do with whether or not she had a replacement at hand. Anything was more desirable to her than me not wanting to be with her.
Susiejo,
He doesn’t have a clue as to why I would be mad, or to not even comprehend that I am mad?
Very well put - I guess he could be cluless but I guess it’s just hard for me to believe that someone is that delusional/out of touch!
Thanks,
Lori
Lori I better understand your perceptions and situation. It’s hard to express stuff writing, even verbally. If he does not comprehend what is going on with you beyond just being a selfish ass, get rid of him or accept that that he is that way. My step mom fought it but then accepted it because she got money to pay her bills apparently that was worth it. Of course, she had like 7 husbands in her life and my dad was her true love - probably the richest of all
Wastedyouth - your last paragraph is right on the money - same here.
Glad I could help!
I agree with SusieJo. Its the same way I felt about my relationship. If I didn’t like it and didn’t want to be there, then I had a responsibility to myself to not accept it an leave. My other choice was accepting her for who she was and dealing with it without being bitter. Or, I could have played the lottery and hoped she was the one in a billion who gets better, or changed my behavior and double my odds to 2 in a billion, but I didnt like the odds. The only way I could have anything at with her was to withdraw from the relationship and attempt to be a friend.
Lori,
Lori, It is very true that some really are out of that touch. What I was trying to express is that my dad knew, and chose differently. That is not the same as someone who is out of touch and not choosing. To those, there is a click not processing right in their brain. If you see that, then know that it is beyond you and most medical doctors. They have made tremendous gains the last decade but only can solve a some problems. Just trust your instincts as to whether he is choosing or has lost the freedom of choice due to brain dysfunction.
My ex was like that, as far as not being able to choose. She was wired to be defiant, even if it meant disaster for her. She was very out of touch with emotions of other people and her own and her affects on the outside world. She might feel compelled to do something that she knew would hurt somebody but had no comprehension of why doing such a thing is wrong. She was incapable of making the connections between her reactions and how the outside world reacts to her.
I never believed anyone could be so out of touch until I witnessed it first hand, and even then it took me a long time to accept. In her world nobody else really mattered and she wasn’t capable as seeing them as individuals. She was only really narcissitic because her brain didn’t allow her not to be.
I’m not sure I think there is a typical NPD either. There are so many things I had to deal with that I never hear anybody else mention, and things other people talk about that I didn’t have to go through.
I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out the what and why’s in that relationship. Does she have it? Why does she have? Why does she do that? It was better when I stopped labeling the behaviors and finding excuses for them and just realized that I didn’t want those things to be a part of my life and moved on. Even if I found out today she was never disordered, it wouldn’t change that I wasn’t happy and wanted something better.
Relationships with narcissists peter out slowly and tortuously. Narcissists
do not provide closure. They stalk. They cajole, beg, promise, persuade,
and, ultimately, succeed in doing the impossible yet again: sweep you off
your feet, though you know better than to succumb to their spurious and
superficial charms.
So, you go back to your “relationship” and hope for a better ending. You
walk on eggshells. You become the epitome of submissiveness, a perfect
Source of Narcissistic Supply, the ideal mate or spouse or partner or
colleague. You keep your fingers crossed.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal78.html
Question:
What is the mechanism behind the cycles of over-valuation (idealization) and
devaluation in the narcissist’s life?
Answer:
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/devaluationidealization.html
Thus, paradoxically, the worst his anguish and unhappiness, the more
relieved and elated such an abuser feels! He is “liberated” and "unshackled"
by his own self-initiated abandonment, he insists. He never really wanted
this commitment, he tells any willing (or buttonholed) listener - and
anyhow, the relationship was doomed from the beginning by the egregious
excesses and exploits of his wife (or partner or friend or boss).
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse14.html
Thus, on the one hand, the narcissist feels that his freedom depends upon
re-enacting these early experiences. On the other hand, he is terrified by
this prospect. Realizing that he is doomed to go through the same traumas
over and over again, the narcissist distances himself by using his
aggression to alienate, to humiliate and in general, to be emotionally
absent.
This behavior brings about the very consequence that the narcissist so
fears - abandonment. But, this way, at least, the narcissist is able to tell
himself (and others) that HE was the one who fostered the separation, that
it was fully his choice and that he was not surprised. The truth is that,
governed by his internal demons, the narcissist has no real choice. The
dismal future of his relationships is preordained.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html
In his quest to find new sources, he again embarks on ego-mending bouts of
sex, followed by the selection of a spouse or a mate (a Secondary
Narcissistic Supply Source). Then the cycle re-commence: a sharp drop in
sexual activity, emotional absence and cruel detachment leading to
abandonment.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq29.html
Narcissists are afraid of intimacy and commitment.
Click on these links are read the articles:
It is an established fact that abuse - verbal, psychological, emotional,
physical, and sexual - co-occurs with intimacy. Most reported offenses are
between intimate partners and between parents and children. This defies
common sense. Emotionally, it should be easier to batter, molest, assault,
or humiliate a total stranger. It’s as if intimacy CAUSES abuse, incubates
and nurtures it.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/intimacyabuse.html
Intimacy Retarding Paranoia
Paranoia is use by the narcissist to ward off or reverse intimacy. The
narcissist is threatened by intimacy because it reduces him to ordinariness
by exposing his weaknesses and shortcomings and by causing him to act
"normally". The narcissist also dreads the encounter with his deep buried
emotions - hurt, envy, anger, aggression - likely to be foisted on him in an
intimate relationship.
The paranoid narrative legitimizes intimacy repelling behaviours such as
keeping one’s distance, secrecy, aloofness, reclusion, aggression, intrusion
on privacy, lying, desultoriness, itinerancy, unpredictability, and
idiosyncratic or eccentric reactions. Gradually, the narcissist succeeds to
alienate and wear down all his friends, colleagues, well-wishers, and mates.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal60.html
The narcissist does his damnedest to avoid intimacy. He constantly lies
about every aspect of his life: his self, his history, his vocations and
avocations, and his emotions. This false data guarantee his informative
lead, asymmetry, or “advantage” in his relationships. It fosters
disintimisation. It casts a pall of cover up, separateness, mystery over the
narcissist’s affairs.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissismintimacy.html
The narcissist divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it difficult
to have sex (“dirty”, “forbidden”, “punishable”, “degrading”) with feminine
significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy
are mutually exclusive rather than mutually expressive propositions.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq79.html
People with Personality Disorders (PDs) are very afraid of real, mature,
intimacy. Intimacy is formed not only within a couple, but also in a
workplace, in a neighborhood, with friends, while collaborating on a
project. Intimacy is another word for emotional involvement, which is the
result of interactions with others in constant and predictable (safe)
propinquity.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq69.html
Narcissists have no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation
by significant others. Such feedback is perceived as a threat. Significant
others in the narcissist’s life have very clear roles: the accumulation and
dispensation of past Primary Narcissistic Supply in order to regulate
current Narcissistic Supply. Nothing less but definitely nothing more.
Proximity and intimacy breed contempt. A process of devaluation is in full
operation throughout the life of the relationship.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html
Inevitably, the sexuality of patients with personality disorders is thwarted
and stunted. In the Paranoid Personality Disorder, sex is depersonalized and
the sexual partner is dehumanized. The paranoid is besieged by persecutory
delusions and equates intimacy with life-threatening vulnerability, a
"breach in the defenses" as it were. the paranoid uses sex to reassure
himself that he is still in control and to quell is anxiety.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders47.html
http://samvak.tripod.master.com/texis/master/search/?q=approach-avoidance
----- Original Message -----
From: “Lor” npd-cpt7296@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Monday, December 31, 2007 10:01 PM
Subject: [npd] Have to have this trait to be NPD?
Susie/Wasted,
Thanks for all the input on whether or not this is a choice or that he is totally aware of his condition. I believe he may be self aware and wouldn’t at all be surprised is he’s read Sam’s book.
I’m very analytical and I believe intellengent - I have for the past year read everything I could get my hands on to determine what was happening. The reason I believe I know he knows the deal is that one day as he was leaving my bedroom he saw a book on my sidetable. Now I always tried to conceal these in draws when he was around I guess for several reasons but mainly to make sure he wasn’t on to me like I was on to him.
The way I think I know is that the book “Dance with Intimacy” was the one in view - he picked it up - looked at it and said “You’re wasting your time”. He then told me he didn’t like the perfume I was wearing and left.
So, I believe this may be a choice and he just plan doesn’t care that he is this way. How on earth do you get it professionally diagnosed? I can’t imagine the majority of Ns going to the doctor for this condition just because they don’t want to.
Have a great day and wishes for a good 2008
Lo
My N would become enraged at the fact that I was on
the internet reading, gathering information about HIM,
his alcoholic rages and PD. He would creep up on me
and see what I was reading, and I often told him and
excerted my opinion about the context of what I had
read. I stated it is a “free country” and I could read
whatever I pleased, reading on the internet is the
same as going to the library and reading a book. Of
course I also had many books in the house, which I hid
from him. In his alcoholic rages I was referred to the
“Internet Whore”. He simply hated the fact that I was
becoming more and more aware of his disfunction and
why he was so ill. Part of the “control” issue. He
didn’t want me to become educated about his disorders.
In our arguments, of course he ALWAYS had the last
word. I was the crazy one, nothing wrong with him at
all. Looking back, I wasted so many years trying to
figure him out, and still am to a degree. This forum
has confirmed many things for me (between the
disagreements)I can see so many similarities between
our situations, they just all meld together in many
areas.I am getting stronger, and now looking back can
only say, that getting out of my marriage was the best
thing I have EVER done. I am living in peace and
serinity now, of which I am so deserving.
— Lor npd-cpt7296@lists.careplace.com wrote:
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~-~ Lor posted the message below in the Narcissistic
Personality Disorder Forum.
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text below this line will be cut off in your replySusie/Wasted,
Thanks for all the input on whether or not this is a
choice or that he is totally aware of his condition.
I believe he may be self aware and wouldn’t at all
be surprised is he’s read Sam’s book.I’m very analytical and I believe intellengent - I
have for the past year read everything I could get
my hands on to determine what was happening. The
reason I believe I know he knows the deal is that
one day as he was leaving my bedroom he saw a book
on my sidetable. Now I always tried to conceal
these in draws when he was around I guess for
several reasons but mainly to make sure he wasn’t on
to me like I was on to him.The way I think I know is that the book “Dance with
Intimacy” was the one in view - he picked it up -
looked at it and said “You’re wasting your time”.
He then told me he didn’t like the perfume I was
wearing and left.So, I believe this may be a choice and he just plan
doesn’t care that he is this way. How on earth do
you get it professionally diagnosed? I can’t
imagine the majority of Ns going to the doctor for
this condition just because they don’t want to.Have a great day and wishes for a good 2008
Lo
__
To control the emails you receive from CarePlace, go
to http://www.careplace.com/account-notifications
____________________________________________________________________________________
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.
From my understanding they only get diagnosed when the show up to a doctor for some other reason, such as depression. Thats how I got my diagnosis! My ex was never capable of recognizing she had a problem and would never have gone to see a doctor for it. I don’t think I could have it gotten it diagnosed in her unless I had her forcefully commited.
I think most aren’t aware and are oblivious to their condition, but there are those who are aware of what they are doing and continue to do so. Some know perfectly well what they are doing is wrong. Although my ex never talked about what diagnosis I assumed for her , she knew. She caught me on a support group one day and shouted at me “those people don’t know what they are talking about!” I asked to explain what she was talking about, but it turns out she didn’t even know what view those people held. She seemed to be aware though that pepl thought there was something abnormal about her.
Misha - it really is interesting how their behavior changes when they realize that we are catching on. It started to completely “throw” mine off when I said no or disagreed that I wasn’t always the one at fault. I mean, I know he TOLD me he was perfect and never made mistakes… wink. One of the most obvious (to me) indications of his condition was how he reacted when I called him on one of his ongoing lies. Once, he was claiming to be in his condo on the beach in San Diego and I steered the conversation to how beautiful his view must be and how I wished I could see it with him. He agreed - so, I asked him to take a few pics on his phone and send them to me - he suddenly had to take another call and I never heard back from him until he was “safely” back on the east coast. They are unbelieveable!!
Angizee,
My ex did thing like that and it annoyed me all the time. I’d call her and ask her what she was upto and she’d tell me she was at home all alone watching TV. In the background, I could hear the wind rushing past her windows in her car. It is unbelievable. I’ve study NPD for years and I have lots of theories, but one thing I can never seem to grasp is why mine thought I was so absolutely stupid and clueless that I would fall for some of these things.
She didn’t like being called on her mistakes being perfect and all. There was one time she was writing a letter and a pointed out a misspelling. She snapped at me and said “thats how they spell it in England.” I can’t believe how sensitive they can be.
What “got” me even more was that he lied about all kinds of things…big lies, little lies - everything was a lie. But most were just stupid things that he didn’t need to lie about!!! I don’t even know how he kept up with all of his stories.
My ex was like a textbook patholgical liar. She lied about anything and everything too, even little things that didn’t need to be lied about. 99% percent of the time she’d look me right in the eye and say, “I never lie!” I’d love to make a list of all the lies and share them, but it might crash the server. There never seemed a purpose to it.
The 1% she didn’t, all she could offer was that she was a perfectionist and that was why she did it.
My ex kinda kept all her lying and stories straight, but we’d always run into scenarios where two stories she told completely contradicted each other. She’d get flustered and I’d get that “deer in headlights” look. Even despite the blaring fault in logic, she would continue to support both lies like a compulsion. It was like she couldn’t tell the truth.
In “Streetcar Named Desire”, Blanche, the sister in law of Marlon Brando, is
accused by him of inventing a false biography, replete with exciting events
and desperate wealthy suitors. She responds that it is preferable to lead an
imaginary but enchanted life - then a real but dreary one.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal23.html
This is where the narcissist differs from others (from “normal” people).
His very self is a piece of fiction concocted to fend off hurt and to
nurture the narcissist’s grandiosity. He fails in his “reality test” - the
ability to distinguish the actual from the imagined. The narcissist
fervently believes in his own infallibility, brilliance, omnipotence,
heroism, and perfection. He doesn’t dare confront the truth and admit it
even to himself.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal75.html
I lie to your face, without a twitch or a twitter, and there is absolutely
nothing you can do about it. In fact, my lies are not lies at all. They are
the truth, my truth. And you believe them, because you do, because they do
not sound or feel like lies, because to do otherwise would make you question
your own sanity, which you have a tendency to do anyway, because from the
very beginning of our relationship you placed your trust and hopes in me,
derived your energy, direction, stability, and confidence from me and from
your association with me. So what’s the problem if the safe haven I provide
comes with a price? Surely I am worth it and then some.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/kenintro.html
Question:
How can I expose the lies of the narcissist in a court of law? He acts so
convincing!
Answer:
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq78.html
The dissolution of the abuser’s marriage or other meaningful (romantic,
business, or other) relationships constitutes a major life crisis and a
scathing narcissistic injury. To soothe and salve the pain of
disillusionment, he administers to his aching soul a mixture of lies,
distortions, half-truths and outlandish interpretations of events around
him.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse14.html
But these lies - both outright and borderline - are known to me as such. I
can tell the difference between reality and fantasy. I choose fantasy
knowingly and consciously - but it doesn’t render me oblivious to my true
condition.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissistreal.html
The narcissist claims to be infallible, superior, talented, skilful,
omnipotent, and omniscient. He often lies and confabulates to support these
unfounded claims. Within his cult, he expects awe, admiration, adulation,
and constant attention commensurate with his outlandish stories and
assertions. He reinterprets reality to fit his fantasies.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal79.html
The narcissist often pretends to know everything, in every field of human
knowledge and endeavour. He lies and prevaricates to avoid the exposure of
his ignorance. He resorts to numerous subterfuges to support his God-like
omniscience.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq3.html
The abuser’s biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements -
incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition
is evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the
abuser’s lies or fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and
appropriates other people’s experiences and accomplishments as his own.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse8.html
Yet, deep inside, the narcissist is aware that his life is an artifact, a
confabulated sham, a vulnerable cocoon. The world inexorably and repeatedly
intrudes upon these ramshackle battlements, reminding the narcissist of the
fantastic and feeble nature of his grandiosity. This is the much-dreaded
Grandiosity Gap.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal74.html
The False Self is nothing but a concoction, a figment of the narcissist’s
disorder, a reflection in the narcissist’s hall of mirrors. It is incapable
of feeling, or experiencing. Yet, it is fully the master of the
psychodynamic processes which rage within the narcissist’s psyche.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq39.html
One of the most important symptoms of pathological narcissism (the
Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is grandiosity. Grandiose fantasies
(megalomaniac delusions of grandeur) permeate every aspect of the
narcissist’s personality. They are the reason that the narcissist feels
entitled to special treatment which is typically incommensurate with his
real accomplishments. The Grandiosity Gap is the abyss between the
narcissist’s self-image (as reified by his False Self) and reality.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal91.html
The narcissist then resorts to self-delusion. Unable to completely ignore
contrarian opinion and data - he transmutes them. Unable to face the dismal
failure that he is, the narcissist partially withdraws from reality. To
soothe and salve the pain of disillusionment, he administers to his aching
soul a mixture of lies, distortions, half-truths and outlandish
interpretations of events around him.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal42.html
A Grandiosity Bubble is an imagined, self-aggrandising, narrative involving
the narcissist and elements from his real life - people around him, places
he frequents, or conversations he is having. The narcissist weaves a story
incorporating these facts, inflating them in the process and endowing them
with bogus internal meaning and consistency. In other words: he
confabulates - but, this time, his confabulation is loosely based on
reality.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/grandiositybubbles.html
Question:
Why does the narcissist conjure up another Self? Why not simply transform
his True Self into a False one?
Answer:
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq48.html
The irony is that narcissists, who consider themselves worldly, discerning,
knowledgeable, shrewd, erudite, and astute - are actually more gullible than
the average person. This is because they are fake. Their self is false,
their life a confabulation, their reality test gone. They live in a fantasy
land all their own in which they are the center of the universe, admired,
feared, held in awe, and respected for their omnipotence and omniscience.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal68.html
The disparity between the accomplishments of the narcissist and his
grandiose fantasies and inflated self-image - the Grandiosity Gap - is
staggering and, in the long run, insupportable. It imposes onerous
exigencies on the narcissist’s grasp of reality and social skills. It pushes
him either to seclusion or to a frenzy of “acquisitions” - cars, women,
wealth, power.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/grandiositygap.html
The narcissist rarely admits to a weakness, ignorance, or deficiency. He
filters out information to the contrary - a cognitive impairment with
serious consequences. Narcissists are likely to unflinchingly make inflated
and inane claims about their sexual prowess, wealth, connections, history,
or achievements.
All this is mighty embarrassing to the narcissist’s nearest, dearest,
colleagues, friends, neighbours, even on-lookers. The narcissist’s tales are
so patently absurd that he often catches people off-guard. Unbeknownst to
him, the narcissist is derided and mockingly imitated. He fast makes a
nuisance and an imposition of himself in every company.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal59.html
The “modesty” displayed by narcissists is false. It is mostly and merely
verbal. It is couched in flourishing phrases, emphasised to absurdity,
repeated unnecessarily - usually to the point of causing gross inconvenience
to the listener. The real aim of such behaviour and its subtext are exactly
the opposite of common modesty.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq36.html
Question:
Why is there no connection between the behaviour of the narcissist and his
emotions?
Answer:
A better way of putting it would be that there is a weak correlation between
the narcissist’s behaviour and his professed or proclaimed emotions. The
reason is that his emotions are merely professed or proclaimed - but not
felt.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq41.html
Narcissists, like children, have magical thinking. They feel omnipotent.
They feel that there is nothing they couldn’t do or achieve had they only
really wanted to and applied themselves to it.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq45.html
The signs are here, the gestures, the infinitesimal movements that you
cannot control. I lurk. I know that definite look, that imperceptible
twitch, the inevitability of your surrender.
Continue to read this short story here (click on this link):
http://gorgelink.org/vaknin/conman-en.html
----- Original Message -----
From: “angiezee” npd-cpt7296@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Wednesday, January 02, 2008 1:49 AM
Subject: Re: [npd] Have to have this trait to be NPD?
Thanks for the info Sam. However, my question now would be if they feel unshackled and free and move on to another partner then how is it they try to get back in the door since they are slow to leave? How do these two interact with each other. How does a N determine whether or not to continue or to know to just let it go and move on to the next?
His response to no contact for a couple of months was whatever I thought was best. He said he wishes me no less or worse than he wishes for himself - what the hell does that mean? This tells me he’s movin on - should I be so lucky?
Many times in my relationship I got the “devalue thing.” My ex acted like she could walk away and leave me at any time. I’d fight with her not to go, and it hurt a lot having to convince someone to stay with you or love you.
Oddly enough, it got to a point where I grew tired of the pushing and pulling. I figured out it would hurt me less to let her go cheat on me and destroy the relationship that fighting to save it all by myself. She still acted the same, but you could see… most of what she did was to attempt to get me to stop her from going… and to fight for her.
It makes me laugh a bit… that time she walked out the door and acted as though she’d never come back. like she’d go down her phone contacts and runaway with the first guy that agreed. And I just told her to go. I meant it too. And she glared at me and huffed and said, “Fine, I wont go.” Then she went and complained to her friends how controlling I was and wouldn’t let her go. All that fighting I did for so long… and she actually bluffing. When I stopped caring wether she was faithful or not, she starting being faithful. When I stopped believing in her she tried really hard to get me to belive again. It was all for naught though… you cant destroy someones trust like that and expect to get it back so easily.
When she actually found a guy to replace me I felt sorry for him, and not jealous at all. Finally, somebody to take her off my hands.
Did anybody ever want to get rid of an N and have problems? Or is that just the borderline in my ex doing that?