Healing childhood wounds?

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I would like to share this.
Taken from book about imago theory.(Harville hendrix)
Healing childhood wounds

“it makes theoretical sense that the deeper levels of healing of childhood wounds occurs when a Partner who resembles our childhood caregivers and who therefore is capable of eliciting similar feelings in us,is willing to grow beyond the limitation of his or her defensive character structure in order to fulfill our unmet needs.It also makes sense that a committed partnership,challenges us to change our defensive character structure,in a way that a less committed relationship would not.
imago theory provides an elegant and appealing reformulation of the"repetition compulsion"for imago the reexperiencing of childhood woundings in our romantic relationships,provides us with new possibilities for healing and growth.the nightmare can become the dream.
It is only when we receive in adulthood what we did not get from our parents in childhood,and from someone who"looks like"or acts like our parents,we are able to grieve over what we lacked in childhood,and to accept with compasion,that our caretakers did their best,but none the less wounded us”

any opinions on this?

#2

Yes,getting what we did not get from our parents in our childhood…only from a healthy person who is capable of truly loving us, looks and has the good characteristics of our parents.We heal and realize that our parents did their best.

I heard it said many times that in partners we look for our parents.

Could it be that when we are at our personal and healthy best,possibly after doing some soul searching,we can attract and choose, all of the above and reccognise unhealthy partners who act,look and/or have characteristics of our parents?This partner may have had a childhood rendering them healthy enough to give and receive love,or they have also worked on themselves and are introspective.

I like where these recent threads are going.We are going beyond our knowledge of NPD and looking at ourselves.

#3

I think the answer lies within ourselves too and that we want to"put something right"perhaps? as it seems uncanny the way that most people who fall for Ns seem to have opposite sex Narcissistic or borderline parents… or is this just pure coincidence?

#4

Ourselves yes.I admitt that i had to take a good look at myself.This is not something that can be done until we are at a certain place.It took me getting over my ex n,to finally get to this point of accepting that the power to attract,choose,connect with,date,hookup with,marry etc,lies inside of me.

For a wonderful,caring,loving,beautiful,thoughtful,assertive human being to have multiple unsatisfying relationships that after the first 3 months,turnout so badly,then suffer the consequences,have such a difficult time letting go,come to the realization that he or she deserves better,yet cannot move on;there has to be some self assessment.

#5

Gosh healed1 I thought you were writing about me there for a minute. When I divorced my first husband after 6 years I was devastated. He wasn’t a bad guy…just wasnt the right husband for me. I did not give myself time to heal. I immediately started running around desperately looking for someone else to make me happy and 6 months later I found that and 9 months later we were married. His kids were 4 and 6 and I loved being a stepmother. One accomplishment I’m extremely proud of. I still have contact with them now. After 10 years of marriage I discovered that he would rather screw the skank working graveyards at the Shell Station. It absolutely destroyed my world. His mother was like a mother to me. His kids were the only kids I was every going to have. This time I wanted to do things right. I got back into therapy…therapy that I started when I went through the first divorce. I worked on myself and was actually doing well living alone…going out…having fun friendships…a few with benefits, but all in fun. All that to say…I was feeling good about myself. I had a list of requirements that a man had to have if he wanted “in”. THEN came my N. I foolishly let him know what those characteristics were…communication, core values, common interests. He had to have a job making more money than me…I was tired of insecure egos when I made more. And they had to be well travelled and be able to pique me mentally. Well, my N is a master a morphing himself apparently into whatever you want. I foolishly let him sweep me off my feet and married him 3 months later. Didn’t take long to realize that I had really fucked up…BAD! OMG I had married my stepfather…only Daddy I had known most of my life though. I thought I was doing everything correctly, but boy did I get fooled. So almost 3 years in I’m finally back in therapy again…and on this wonderful website. Spiralupwards has been a Godsend to me…honestly. This site has helped me so much. So now I hope to heal my childhood wounds once and for all so i will quit this cycle of attracting men that I need approval from.

#6

I read that the dysfunction in our childhoods,contribute to numbness and failure to reccognise and stay attuned to our own needs.I now remember my father to be emotionally unavailable and my stepfather not liking me,supposedly because i did not look like him."Hello!you’re not my biological father,and i’m glad that i look like me.I’m a beautiful woman"
No wonder i had such a hard time choosing men.

#7

its the old making you feel’not good enough’which in turn breeds rebellion and perhaps a need to prove otherwise?
When in’reality"it was THEM that didnt feel good enough to be our fathers and in our adult relationships i truly think it is/was the same story!
these men (or women) didnt feel’good enough’so projected their own self hate onto us…we became perhaps their mirrors so they could hate something “out there”…it was NEVER our fault…apart from the fact that we were taken in…we were just substitute used for’acting-out"unresolved parental issues?i really believe that one!