Hi Lori,
Cannot write anymore on usual thread don’t know if there is a problem so trying this, in case, you are also having a problem!
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
Yes, I am okay. I hope you are, too. It’s been very strange here lately. Jul got a restraining order on Cache when he broke into her email & discovered she left him for a new boyfriend. Then, after the court hearing, which he didn’t attend…she’s been emailing & calling him…apologizing & asking him to reconsider. I’m trying to stay out of it. I’m not happy about what she put him through, & he’s already started dating someone new. I’d like to see him break free of the past & head in a better direction…but he’s back to drinking too much & I worry about his safety.
I’m not one to talk about getting over the past! It is easier not to think about my ex-husband & home that I lost here, being 1800 miles away, but his new fiance has sent me cards & nasty notes since last October, so I got fed up when one was forwarded here. I sent her Thank You card back to him! I don’t think he knows she’s been sending me crap all this time & he has a restraining order on me!!! So, all I said was, “Welcome” (for not bothering my ex for the past year) & enclosed $20 so she’d mail me a brass candy dish my parents had given me when they used to travel the world. I don’t expect they’ll mail it to me, but it’s on their conscience now.
We have finally gotten the other lease arranged & will be moving this Friday. I wanted to spend Saturday with my friend, who’s son is having a biker party that day…& I met a man through her who I’d like to spend some time with & get to know…but Cache says, “we’re in this together!” as far as the move is concerned & he wants me to be around. (Which I think translates to I’ll be the one to pack & carry all the final boxes & clean the apartment. Then, I’ll have to unpack & get us settled, although he has 2 young male friends who can lift all of his furniture. Cache said I should invite Mark (the new guy I met) to help us move! I think that’s like asking for help before I even get to know him much…but maybe it’s okay.
I’ve been feeling pretty down. The weather here has been very odd & gray. I also dread moving away from the northern part of CO…farther from my friend & getting stuck in a rut. Money, of course, is always a problem…although I’ve been able to pay down my credit card debt a bit more. I have to come up with a 2 year plan! I think it’ll take me another year to be debt-free…& it would be nice to be on my own after that & think about taking care of my own needs & desires (right now I don’t have any desires & I wish I had more passion about life in general.) I think about joining a yoga class, or Thai Chi, & taking an art class. I guess my time to enjoy those things will have to wait. The flip side of mania is that I don’t spend money on even little things! That’s where I am right now.
What ever happened with your house? Are you there sometimes now, or out of the lease? You should be tending a garden about now…I wish I had that opportunity!
Well Anne, as always, I think of you, too, & pray you’re doing alright. Have you written anymore on your “book?” I sure need a creative outlet!!
Hope to hear from you again soon!
Love Always,
Lori
Hi Anne!
Do you have a “Messages” section on the left side of the screen when you sign in? I thought I looked your profile up once & wasn’t able to write to you, but we can do it this way!
On the other part I think we were up to page 18 or something…so I imagine it’s time to change to a new topic (even if it is just you & me at this point!!)
I hope we aren’t annoying anyone else!
Oh…I feel a little guilty, but I only worked my new job 1 day & then quit. They didn’t want me just part time & they wanted me to work 10 hours on Saturdays. I’m no way ready to start Full time employment/early morning hours & wake-ups/& a Saturday as well. Hopefully I’ll find something with fewer weekly hours soon! I sure hope so!
I guess there isn’t much other news. I drove to Denver by myself today because Cache hadn’t gotten all the right peices to my antique bedframe & I wanted to look for them in my friend’s garage. Of course I found every single siderail/bottom braces/ & even wood for the insertable shelves in the armoire! So in time…a mattress & boxsprings will have me doing fine!
Cache finally set up his computer & it’s a desktop (I prefer that to Jul’s lap-top…plus she’s on it an awful lot!) Anyway…I’m hoping that means I can keep in touch with you more frequently again!~
Take care & I’ll write more soon!
Love,
Lori
Oh My Gosh Anne!
I just read your other email & lo & behold you’ve found a new home & will be moving soon! I am just so happy for you! We both had to get out of where we’d been living. I think somethings just bevome intolerable & in my case that usually makes me crazy!
I’m sure Emma will help you fix up your next home & you will be able to enjoy her companionship in doing so. I enjoy my time with Julianna when Cache is gone…although there are times when I feel like an old woman & I too think after a year I’d like to be in my own place. (Right now they are arguing & it’s usually something silly & immature. They’re young…so hopefully they’ll outgrow it, but it can make me feel out of place. I better get to bed so I don’t overhear anymore…I think they need their privacy!)
More soon!
Love,
Lori
P.S. Congratulations on the new place!!! If I was there I’d have to buy you an housewarming gift! But oh! What fun I’d have picking something out.
Hi Lori,
Hope all is well with you? I am ok…still anxious about the move but coping! My main concern is it says on the paperwork ‘Strictly no pets’ so I am worrying about that. I am still ‘moving’ peanut in but will be very upset if the agents somehow ‘find out’. My friend said she will take him back, then I suppose it will be up to me to decide the ‘house’ or the ‘dog’. I guess I would have to look for someplace else, unless I could somehow offer to pay for any damages eg carpets, fixtures that get damaged. Why is there always a problem? I have enough worrying about sorting out the rent, utilities etc. I am trying to stay ‘strong’ but every now and then I feel so ‘weak’. I never slept at all last night with everything going round in my head. I tried to think ‘positive’ but by the early hours of this morning, with no sleep, I was becoming ‘negative’. I keep thinking of all my little bits that I have bought since I have been here and how it will be fun unpacking them and arranging them. I also think how I can make the yard (concrete) into a container garden. I have been and bought some pretty ceramic outdoor pots in blue and white. I have bought some little stone animals to ‘dot’ around.I am also getting a patio table and chairs. It will be so nice to make my mark on the house. I am, also looking forward to being able to do my own washing again, at least I can wash my ‘comfy fat’ clothes on a regular basis.
I need to buy a second-hand car and I have seen some that are a reasonable price, but will see about that next week. I am ringing the agent tomorrow to try and get the contract signed by Monday when I have an appointment with the housing officer, to work out my benefits. I hope I sleep tonight because I feel totally whacked!
Take care
love
Anne x
Oh Anne!
You have come such a long way! I know the sleep issue is upsetting, but hopefully it will pass!
I’m sorry about Peanut & the restriction on pets where you are moving. Yes, it is always something! Cache isn’t supposed to sub-lease his apartment (have someone living here that isn’t on the lease) but if I had signed the lease, they were afraid I’d have tons of financial/background checks that may present a problem. Since they wanted me in right away, they just never mentioned me. Cache also opened a P.O. Box for his company mail & so that I could receive mail there instead of at the flat (so as not to alert anyone that I’m here.) It’s a big complex, so I’ll probably go un-noticed, but I still feel sort of strange about “hiding.” Maybe you can still work out something with Peanut (or be sneaky?!)
I only worked one day at the car dealership & they wanted me way too many hours, so I’m back to looking for employment. I’ll be dropping off an application today at a convenience store close by & the hours are from 3pm-11pm. I like that, since I hate to get up early, but it will be a change since I now go to bed around 10 & get up shortly after 7am. I just think it will be better for Cache & Julianna’s hours, giving them more time alone in the afternoons & evenings.
I’m not used to all of the arguing that Cache & Jul seem to do. It’s always about petty things I think, & Julianna cries an awful lot. I feel bad for her & although I know they don’t seem to mind my being here, they will be happier when I go to work & give them that alone time. I’m finally settled, although I have a long way to go in getting little things for my own place & eventually moving out on my own. It’s just so expensive here! I found a nice used t.v. yesterday & think I’ll go get that later today when I run errands. It’ll be my first real purchase (other than towels & things for the bathroom.) I’ll need to get a new mattress & boxsprings for my antique bed & of course a computer of my own…but that can wait awhile.
I know what you mean about doing your own laundry! When I lived with the room-mate in Georgia I felt obligated to do his laundry & had very little of my own. His work clothes were so greasy & oily that I ruined a few of my clothes before I started tiny loads for myself. Here there is a washer & dryer in every unit & I do my own whenever I need to. And in the event that I can move into a one-bedroom flat of my own right here, I’ll be happy that I don’t have to go to a laundro-mat or laundry facility on the premises (which I’ve had to do in the past.)
Gizmo sleeps in my room most nights & I take him out every morning, & sometimes a time or two during the day. I don’t stay out long with him because it’s so damn cold! (Snowing again today!) But when spring finally hits, I hope to start going on longer walks with him.
I better close for now. Still have a few job applications to fill out & some clothes Julianna & I compiled to take to a second-hand clothing store (they buy them!)
Take care & keep me filled in on your home progress! All of the pots & things you’ve described that you’ve gotten for your home sound lovely! I am probably way too tidy for Cache & Julianna even, but I’ve always been that way. It will be fun to get into my own place…eventually!
Love Always,
Lori
Hi Lori,
I get the keys to my house at 10am tomorrow…so tonight I feel excited. Emma is coming with me to the house to drop off some things and then we are going to look around the shops for furniture. There is a little second-hand shop that I know that sells good quality suites and other furniture, so that will be our first stop. I bought a kettle and toaster today both in country cream. I also got tea, coffee and sugar jars in cream with peaches on, and a matching utensils jar. I have started packing my things up here and have found things I had forgot I bought. I will take some of my things tomorrow to the house and unpack them. I am feeling very positive today and intend to continue being positive.
It will be good for you if you get the job from 3-11…like you say it will give Cache and Jul’s alone time and it will get you away from the ‘arguments’. They are both young and I guess ‘petty things’ are what we find to argue about in our youths.
Its is sweet that Gizmo sleeps in your room, your very own ‘little friend’. It will be nice for you to walk him in the spring. The weather here is quite nice and that makes me feel better.
I am looking forward to tomorrow and spending time with Emma, she is so sweet. She text me the other night to say she and Ben will always be there for me like I am for them…that makes me feel wanted and also needed and thats good.
Well Lori, I will write you tomorrow night and tell you about my day and my new home. I hope to be living there within a fortnight. I have a computer that Ben gave me so will get connected soon as.
I love hearing from you and I am so happy you are my friend.
take care, love and hugs
Anne x
Hi Lori,
Glad to hear you got some clothes from the ‘thrift’ store. I personally love shopping in second-hand shops. I always feel I get a really good bargain. Well! Emma and myself spent all day at my new home doing bits&bobs. I had bought (second-hand) two oval framed pictures ( a long time ago) and I put them up on the stair wall and they exactly match the coffee coloured paint under the dado rail. They look lovely and created a feeling of ‘home’. I will be buying many things second-hand and I am looking forward to ‘hunting’ for the right things. I ordered a second-hand washing machine today and that will be delivered Monday. It looks like new and is guaranteed for 6 months. I am going today to order my bed and bedroom furniture. One negative, there is a lot of rubbish in the back terrace that I have reported to the letting agent. I hope they move it soon. I cannot get out the back gate because of it. Otherwise, I am happy with the house and know I can make it into an home. Peanut is of course coming with me. I will just hope that the agents do not find out. I love him Lori, he is my little mate!
I finally ‘bit the bullet’ and went to a ‘plus size’ shop today and got a new pair of trousers and a top! I am determined to lose weight though and said to Emma “Its no good buying to many things in ‘big’ sizes I’ll be slim by summer”. Emma is so sweet and of course straight away said “you don’t look that big to me”…awww bless her. I know I am and I am determined to do something about it.
I hope you get the right medical plan (seems strange to me all our health services are free) so that you can feel confident in your GP and Pdoc.
You must let me know how your ‘relationship’ with the guy you have met on-line goes (please be careful if you meet). I use to ‘meet’ guys on-line and met a few. I only had one ‘bad’ experience and now I no longer want to be with a guy (too many problems) That may change in the future, you never know! All I want for now is to spend time alone and build my new nest. I intend to take long, hot bubble baths and gernerally ‘pamper’ myself. I will start an healthy eating plan and keep up to date on my meds. I hope I can get some sleeping pillls from my new GP, they help me so much.
Ben, is going to bring some step ladders to my house this weekend and help me get my curtains up. I am blessed that Ben and Emma live so close and I look forward to meeting Emma in the shopping centre for coffees and chats. There are so many cafes near my home (think you call them diners?)
I’m typing this at 4.15 am because I was dreaming and that woke me up! Plus I’m excited and still a little bit anxious with my ‘big move’. I will write again tonight and tell you all the juicy details…lol.
take care, love and hugs
Anne x
Oh Anne!
How exciting that you will be picking up keys & getting into your new home! I am so happy that Emma is there for you & text you about always being there for you as you are for them! I sometimes feel closer to Julianna than Cache…that may be because she’s a female…but I suppose alot of it is because she also has bi-polar disorder & often goes through mood changes.
I browsed through about 5 antique/thrift stores today & didn’t get anything but a backache (Lol!) My Mum sent the check she usually sends me to Cache (as I had asked her to in order to help with the extra rent.) She sent an extra $100 for utilities or food & Cache took that money out & gave it back to me. I spent $60 of it on clothes at thrift stores (mostly for work) & I also got an ironing board & a “dustbuster”, hand-vacuum for the house or car. Today I deposited the rest in my new local bank account (in case my SS check doesn’t go to the new acct. & I have a bill that will be automatically withdrawn.
I think I will be getting that medicaid (supplemental) insurance…although there is currently a “close acct” posted on it instead of initiate! If that happens I can get into a GP for things & maybe some counseling, but I really like my psychiatrist & would rather continue seeing him (in the hope that Medicare will reimburse at least 50% of my costs. I don’t know yet…what I’ve had at low to no cost in the past hasn’t been very good…but I still might go to the clinic if it’s cheaper.
It snowed a bit yesterday & I’m looking forward to spring like you’re having! Walking the dog will be so much more convenient & nicer. (And that job at the convenience store said they’d call me back on Monday…so if I get that it’s only about a mile from the house & I can walk that, too!)
Your cannisters & kitchen things sound so very nice! I am just thinking about getting a bed to begin with. I suppose I’ll have to save up for things because I wouldn’t have much room to store them here. The furniture place you mentioned sounds really great, too! I think I’ll have to start off with a bunch of used/mismatched things…but I don’t really mind that. Just the thought of “starting over” is both exciting & scary! You seem to be in very good spirits & I suppose that’s from a combination of good weather, family, & finally finding your new home!!!
I feel like I haven’t really done much except unpack & get my bearings as far as the main streets. Maybe I should join a church so I can meet people or at least feel some sense of inner peace. I met a man online here in CO. I haven’t yet talked to him on the phone…but he left me a message last night & I guess I should call him today. He reminds me of cache’s Dad & his name is the same (although it’s spelled differently.) Cache & Jul are leaving to rent some DVD’s. I suppose I’ll see if that online man is home (again: excited, but nervous!) I’m trying to be normal & it still feels as if I’m just getting used to that idea!
I cherish our on-line friendship too, Anne! And I am just so very happy about your new place! Have you decided to keep Peanut? I’m sure you would miss him if you have to leave him with your friend…but of course you have to come first when it comes to a big move like this!
You keep having fun with the new place & keep me filled in on all the juicy details!
Love & hugs to you, too!
Lori
Hi Anne,
I am so happy for you that you’re getting your house in order! When the time comes for me to move into my own place, I imagine Cache will have to help me with moving furniture & putting it together. Yes, I have applied for social housing. There are many apartments in the town I live in & the other 2 cities nearby. It will still cost me a portion & when I am working I qualify for the nicer places.
I was frustrated by the jewlery store (making me take a silly opinion survey in person & then again at home on the computer. Then they called to say it didn’t work & I’d have to retake it online again.) The convenience store is supposed to call today with a schedule for next week…but a clothing store beat them both out! I got called in to come fill out my tax information there yesterday. I even got paid for doing that! Then because next week’s schedule is already complete, the manager said she’d try to get me a few hours at least & I would have a fuller schedule the following week. Because of the pay (it’s better than the other 2 jobs) I can only work about 23 hrs/week without losing my social security income. I’ve never explained this to a prospective employer before…but I was asked to fill out a form regarding supplemental income (for the company’s tax refund) & when I admitted to receiving that I asked if I could keep the hrs as close to 23 as possible in order to keep my SSI. They didn’t have a problem with that, & what I like about that is that it will be easier for me to work shorter shifts. I’m excited & already like the ladies I will be working with (although I’m the oldest one there…most of them are university students.)
Yes…catching up with my old friend has been nice. She is so physically disabled from multiple back surgeries that I feel I can help her out & that makes me quit focussing on my own problems so much. Tonight we are going to an auction for fun, but maybe I’ll find a mattress for my bed! That would be great!
I completely understand about you waiting to move until the end of the month. Bills do get in the way sometimes! I believe I will have to have a savings when I move into my own apartment because it is still a month’s rent in advance (at minimum) with a 1 yr lease.
I feel okay with my mood now…but I wonder if the altitude is getting to me?! I have almost a constant headache! It is still rather cold here, although very sunny. It’s been windy, too…& I really don’t care much for that! I’ve got all of my medical insurance things squared away now & have been assigned a new therapist at the clinic. She’s supposed to call me to set an appointment with her & then she’ll set up an appointment with the psychiatrist for me. So long as I don’t run out of anxiety medication…I guess I can wait.
Well…it sounds like you will have a nice evening with Ben & Emma tonight & then work with Ben on your furniture/home this weekend. Enjoy yourself!
Take care,
Love & prayers!
Lori
Hi Anne,
I started writing after your last email & “the kids” needed the computer so I had to stop & couldn’t save all my writing. Now I see it’s been a full week since I’ve written & I feel terrible about that.
Are you in your home yet, or are you waiting to get some more things moved in? I think the washing machine is a great idea! Always the first appliance I would need, since I’ve had to go to laundromats with my ex before he joined the military. It made me cry at our last house, I was so happy to have a washer & dryer! I even considered it more important than furniture! After I am working, if I move into a 1-bedroom flat right here…they come with a washer & dryer & that’s probably better for me, even though it’s a bit more expensive. (I guess the alternative would be to wash clothes in the bathtub…& I’ve done that before, too!)
I have now applied for 20 jobs! Only a few on-line. I much prefer going in, speaking with a manager directly, taking an application home to fill out & going back to hand it in (& hopefully get an interview!) I have an interview at a jewlery store (diamonds!!) today. I suppose if I got that I’d want to save to purchase my own jewlery (since I miss having any wedding ring, etc.)
I also interviewed at a clothing store & they said they needed help right away. She said she’d call by Sunday, so I hope she does!
My social security deposits went to the old (wrong) bank acct. & now I’m waiting for replacement checks. I’m feeling terrible about that because I usually automatically pay all my bills at the beginning of the month & somehow deal with the rest of the month as well as I can. Now I’m down to 1/4 tank of gas & I still have that interview today & would like to attend a church service on Sunday. I might make those trips…they’re not far. The checks should arrive in another week…but if I get hired somewhere I may have to borrow money from Cache for gas & that bothers me. All of his invoices usually come in randomly, so he flucuates with money (although he makes a tidy sum each month.)
I had to cancel my pdoc appt. because I didn’t have the money to pay upfront today. The receptionist was very good about it. I suppose if I got the extra medicaid I would go to the county clinic to save money…but now there is a problem with that (they claim I’m not a CO resident, even though I got my driver’s license within 3 days of my arrival.) So, I’ve explained my name change, address change, phone number change, & gave them my ID to make a copy for their files. It may still take up to 6 months!
Julianna was born in England & has dual citizenship! She said that the medical system there is so much further advanced than what we have in the US! Just the way it works is so much better for all of you! Be very glad!!
I went to a depression/bipolar peer support group meeting last night. It was okay, but I don’t know about going back. I guess if I’m going to go to something…it should be “therapy.” I’m really winging it on my own right now. I guess the meds work because I’m doing alright. I get worried if I think my bank deposit won’t go through & I’ll run out of meds before I can get in to see the doctor. But the anti-anxieties are like sleeping pills to me, so at least I’m getting a very good night’s sleep every night now!
The date with the man on-line was weird! He looked so much like Cache’s dad (the one husband I adored!) but he had no personality & wanted a woman who would move in & help him pay his mortgage & bills so he didn’t have to work 7 days a week! I’ve been told I’m too dependent on men, but I certainly don’t want to be with someone who would expect me to pay 50% of his bills! I’m not making enough for my own yet! He was also a little too chatty about sex, & my mind just isn’t running along those lines right now. I’d rather become self-sufficient, & probably keep it that way. Maybe it’s age…maybe I’m disillusioned with men…but I vascillate between being lonely & wanting to be alone! So…meeting someone from a dating site won’t be happening anytime in the near future again! If I’m feeling “normal” I usually haven’t had any problems finding a date…but I don’t think I have that “happy, good-natured, flirty side” back yet. Maybe I won’t even get it back! I know I’m not too depressed…but I am far too serious & non-trusting of new people.
I’m happy you went clothes shopping! I’m still not pleased with my size (I gained back the few pounds I lost while driviong out here!) but I still needed a few things to look presentable for work. Next it will have to be some comfortable flat shoes! I had a bone spur removed from my left big toe a little over 2 yrs ago & heals just wear on the scar & really hurt after just a couple of hours!
I can’t even think about all the fun it will be to get things for my own place! I have to start here with simple things like a mattress for my bedframe, a tv, a computer…after that it’ll be cooking utensils & towels & not until I’m absolutely ready to move will I get to purchase furniture. But I’m pretty good with saving…so when social security isn’t all I have to rely on, maybe I can begin to save for my own place. (Cache has said they’re willing to help, but he has also added…“it won’t be forever.” So, I know he won’t kick me to the curb…but I feel as though I should be in my own place within 6 months at least (certainly not staying here as long as I overstayed the old room-mate’s!) That somehow scares me because until I’m working…I can’t even remember what it was like to live alone & work 3 PT jobs simultaneously! It’s been 7 yrs ago since I did that! Now I’m older & should be wiser…but actually I think I’m even more timid than yrs ago. But…the reason I don’t think I’ll be attending the peer counseling meetings anymore is because so many people w/this disorder are NOT working & I need some incentive! It’s much easier to look at Julianna working 24-36 hours a week at the hospital…making a good wage & content with her life. I need to be around folks who are doing well like that. (If I was married or had the luxury of not working for some other reason…I probably wouldn’t. I might then go back to school. But that’s just not my reality.)
Well…I’m so sorry it took so long to write again! I gave cache a webcam a few yrs ago & it works! I saw a soldier I used to know on it (he’s in Iraq now.) If you get one later on…let me know because they are so much fun & we can see each other for the 1st time! (You set it up with yahoo messenger…for free!)
I’d better close I greet my day here. Hope all is well with the new home! If I know you…you may even tackle that back yard if it’s still a mess!
Take care!
Love, Lori
Hi Lori,
Good to hear from you. I am having a bit of a ‘down’ day, today, think I have ‘overdone’ things a bit. Ben and Emma came to the house yesterday a/noon and Ben put my bed together while Emma hung curtains. I am getting there but feel like I say a bit ‘down’ today. I did not go to the house today, but go tomorrow for delivery of my 3 piece suite…so that will be one more thing done. All I need to get now is bedroom furniture and a fridge/freezer. I need to ring the utilities tomorrow and get them arranged in my name. Just a short message this time Lori…will write again tomorrow and tell you about my day.
take care
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
Maybe there’s something in the air…I feel as if I’m having a down day, too.
It’s sounds like your plans are all coming together where your new home is concerned!
I guess once I get my mind on something, I don’t let go (like driving back to Colorado.) And yet it’s as if I can’t always appreciate things as a positive change.
A peer support group meeting the other night & even church today (after 8 years away) didn’t seem to brighten my mood. I don’t know what I am expecting, but I feel a kind of “let down” in my mood.
I guess I have to wait & see how the new mood stabilizer will work since I am just very slowly increasing the dose.
I feel so tired much of the time. Do you experience that too?
Well, perhaps we’ll be in better spirits tomorrow. Hope to hear from you then!
Love Always,
Lori
Hi Lori,
Well, I went to the house at 2pm to await delivery of my 3 piece suite…and they did not come! I was so dissapointed, although it is from a charity, so I cannot get too angry. Hopefully, I will get it delivered today.
I don’t know whats wrong with me these last few days I have gone ‘down’ and hope it is a temporary state. I sat at the house yesterday and thought “have I done the right thing?” and all kinds of negative things. Guess I am just getting last minute nerves. It was restful sitting in the dining room listening to the birds and I would like to get a rocking chair for in there. It is a big house for one person, but I figured that would allow me to ‘potter’ and do some of the little DIY jobs that need doing e.g Bathroom tiles need re-grouting,yard wall needs re-painting. I guess once I am living there I’ll be ok.
I am still worried about living alone but Ben and Emma are just up the road, and I’ll probably go shopping with Emma at least once a week, plus they will be coming for a meal once a week. I’m hoping to lose some weight and have done really well and not had any chocolate for a week. I have also been walking alot. Since I came to live here 14months ago I have hardly ‘moved’, spending days just sitting and smoking, what a life! I guess I just ‘gave up’ but since I have been back on lithium I feel much better. I do feel tired a lot though…thought it was just me!
I have to change GP’s again and I am going back to a GP I had some years ago, he is excellent. When I was with him before he use to give me my sleeping tablets, no problem, so I hope he does again. I guess that is one of my big worries about living alone…not sleeping!
I am going to get my bedroom furniture at some point today and also some net curtains. I want to make the bathroom real cosy so that I can get long bubble baths. Like I said earlier the tiles need re-grouting, otherwise the bathroom is quite nice, it just needs a few bits and pieces and it will be ‘cosy’.
I am excited and scared all at the same time. The house is nothing like my old home and I have to keep being stern with myself and tell myself “its different, but you can make it into a comfortable home”. I do a lot of ‘talking to myself’…lol.
How are things with you? Hows it going ‘sharing’ with Cache and Jul? I think about you often and hope things are well with you.
Write again soon.
take care
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
I had my doubts about making a cross-country move, not only while I was on the road…but also as soon as I got here. I really was uncomfortable at K’s. I’m much happier here with Cache & Jul, but it’s not without it’s problems.
Sometimes in the mornings when I go out on the deck for a smoke & there’s snow on the ground or it’s very cold, I say, "I could just pack an over-night bag & drive back to Georgia where it’s still 80 degrees! But of course that’s just silly!
I located my old girlfriend I hadn’t seen in 17 years & she is moving from her son’s into low-income housing. Her place isn’t the best…but it’s hers! (She’s on disability as well…but for back surgeries.) She is only 4 yrs older than me, & it hurts me to watch her try to walk & get around. She’s hunched over due to the curvature in her spine & surgeries for it. That makes me feel bad because I’m perfectly capable of walking & since I’ve been at Cache’s I just don’t do it (too cold!) But my friend Dawn & I ran errands yesterday for her utilities, etc…& she showed me where the housing authority was, so I filled out an application there & will fill one out in the nearby city I live in now as well. It took her a year…so I will expect a long wait.
I should hear back on the sales position at the jewlery store today, & in about a 1/2 hour I go in for an interview at the convenience store. I like the idea of being close (the convenience store is 1 mile away) but I think the sales position at the jewlery store would mean a higher salary & nicer atmosphere. It comes down to what sort of hours I’ll have (I only want PT) & which job I believe I could last the longest at!
Your home sounds very peaceful (birds singing as you sit in the dining room!) Try to enjoy that & don’t confuse it with loneliness or insecurity. You’ll have the place fixed up in no time…just the way you want it! And with a nice bath with bubbles & candles (as well as maybe a sleeping pill once in awhile from your new doctor!) I imagine you’ll sleep much better than you have in a year!
I tried to sleep last night without a sleeping pill, but Cache & Jul were fighting so loudly & I had to take Gizmo outside to get away for awhile. (I could hear them from outside!) By the time I got back in the flat, they were winding down…but Cache slept on the sofa. Of course I caved & took that sleeping pill at about midnight because by then the “kids” were sleeping & I wasn’t! It is still nice to be staying here, & since I’ve found my old friend I am able to go visit her often to get away. A job will be even more time away from the apartment & I’m hoping Cache & Jul can benefit from that (not that they fight about my being here…just because they’re young & they need privacy.)
I have to take a very quick shower & get to that interview. As always, it’s wonderful to hear from you! Have no fear, Anne! I truly believe you’ve made the right decision & after some adjustment, you’ll be heading towards happiness again!
Take care.
Love ,
Lori
Hi Lori,
Did you hear from the jewellery job? How did your interview go at the convenience store? It will be good for you when you are working and like you say it will give Cache and Jul time together.
I am ok and got my 3 peice suite delivered yesterday, it looks nice in the lounge. I also, got my bedroom furniture delivered. It is an ‘hard’ slog but I have got everything except a fridge/freezer now.
I continue to feel apprehensive and suppose that is ‘natural’. I have felt that many different moods and emotions over the last 5 years, it is hard to know what is a normal response.
Ben is coming to put my bedroom furniture together this w/end. Emma is going to visit her parents for the w/end.
I intend to move into the house at the end of this month. It is simpler in terms of bills that I pay here.
I am pleased you have got back in touch with your old friend and it is nice that you can go visit her. Good also that you have put your name down for accommodation. Is that social housing?
I am going to visit Ben and Emma tonight and will be taking peanut with me. Ben loves him to bits, and peanut enjoys the visits.
Will write again soon Lori, you are in my thoughts.
take care
love
Anne x
Hi Lori,
So pleased to hear you have got a job, sounds good…when do you start? I wish I could work even just a few hours a week, not for the money but from the ‘boredom’ point of view.
Ben came to my new home on Saturday to put together my bedroom furniture. We went for lunch first, and then spent the rest of the a/noon putting together an antique pine wardrobe…still got a set of drawers and 2 bedside drawer units to do!
I have only to get my fridge/freezer now and I have got all my furniture. It was not too hard to do…I had been dreading it (I lost some nice things) but I was able to if not replace at least substitute some of them.
I am still very apprehensive about it all and have spent today feeling quite anxious. I think the main thing I worry about is the fact that I am renting privately and do not feel so secure with that. I know, however, that I would not get anything very good off the Council (social housing) so this is my only way.
I think once I am ‘in’ and have got all the rent payments and utilities sorted I will feel better. I am going to go each morning for a coffee to a little cafe round the corner and if the weather is fine I can sit outside and have a smoke also. I am going to get dressed every day ( my friend does not and I admit I have not, at times whilst I have been here).
I am looking forward to being able to do my own washing and there is a long washing line outside + I have the radiators inside. I thought about getting a tumble dryer but there is no place for it.
I am also looking forward to getting long bubbles baths…I have missed having a bath so much.
I keep telling myself to be strong and ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’…that is what is getting me through!
The dining room needed a rug (its laminated) and I bought a large silk rug for £120.00 but it looks very good. My 3 peice suite is very comfortable and matches in the living room very good. I want to make the house real comfy and relaxing and can spend time pottering about.
Let me know all about your new job. I am so happy for you. You are in my thoughts.
take care
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
I started my new job today in ladies clothing sales. I only have 3 five hour shifts this week, which is probably a good thing since my feet are killing me from wearing heals!
I also met my new female counselopr today & I really liked her (so far…so good!) I got my anti-anxiety prescription renewed today because I’m almost out (& would have been if I took 2 a day as directed, but usually I take only one (half) at bedtime.) I took one before going to the counselor & then on to work, & will take another here shortly for sleep.
I am feeling so lonely. I have gone on a couple of dates with the same man (coffee, then dinner, & last Sat. for a 3 mile walk around his property in the country that he’s getting ready to sell.) I’m getting picky in my old age. He’s attractive for 50, but he wants to sell everything & live like a gypsy in a trailer. I’ve had my hippie days & after living with the ex-drunk-room-mate, going through my divorce, & now living with Cache (Jul left to stay at her parents today because they aren’t getting along) all I want to do is get out on my own & establish a little piece self-sufficiency. I need stability…not to live like a carefree gypsy!
How is your new place coming along?! I’ve been helping my friend, Dawn, get settled in her new apartment. Well…I do dishes, take out trash for her & help her run errands. She’s got more belongings than she has room for…so I’m not helping her unpack. (Don’t want to confuse her!)
My car has been giving me problems again & Cache bought a new fuel pump for it & we had it installed. But then yesterday it started “chugging” again & died out twice. Cache said it’s vapor-locking. I put in higher quality gas & some fule injector treatment. Still acted up briefly after that, but it was fine today when I went to the counselor & then drove to work. I’m truly praying it doesn’t die on me!
I’m really tired & need to get some sleep. Let me hear about the new place! I’ll try to email again soon since I don’t have to go back to work until Thursday morning.
Take care & don’t forget you’re in my thoughts & prayers!
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
Pleased your new job seems to be working out. Sorry, to hear about your 50 year old wanna-be-a-gypsy friend.
I am ‘freaking out’ about moving it all seems ‘too much’ and l know that while I have lived here I have just ‘give up’. Now, I will have to ‘live’ and, I fear, I have forgotten how to do it!
All my furniture is bought and I am due to move in on the 1st… Ben put all my bedroon furniture together it is antique pine and with my white and brass bed looks very good. I managed to get a fridge/freezer second hand with a 6 month guarantee.
I guess being busy getting all my things stopped me feeling too anxious and now I feel anxious about it all. I just want to feel like I use to before all this started and I don’t!
Let me know how your job is going.
You are always in my thoughts.
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
I haven’t heard from you in so long…I hope everything is going alright for you. I should say I hope everything is going better for you than for me right now.
I started working last week & will only be doing 15 hours a week for these 1st 2 weeks. After that I’m supposed to get closer to 20. I kind of like it…but my feet are killing me after 5 - 7 hours of standing, & after foot surgery 2 yrs ago…I know I’ll run into problems if I don’t buy some more comfortable shoes.
Julianna broke up with Cache & moved out last Monday, although I’m quite upset that it seems to be a back & forth thing. Cache was so upset, he got into a fight with a close friend & broke his ankle on Friday night. He’s not supposed to drive, & yet he dropped everything & went to a mountain hotel when Jul called & said she was lonely. I just feel like neither one of them is mature enough to be independent & certainly not responsible enough to have a mature relationship, but I’m just the Mom…what do I know?!
Today I’m going back down to low-income housing to see if I can get them to expedite a place for me. This is also a difficult living situation…& I really want to be alone. Other peoples’ arguments & stressors hit me too hard. I may be “safe” as far as no longer living with an alcoholic, but I don’t feel very secure…& if I can’t count on my family to be responsible & keep their lease & lives running somewhat normally…I feel added pressure. If I can get into my own place…I won’t have much, but I’ll have peace, quiet, & a chance to live my life without too much pressure. I hope I don’t sound as a constant complainer, but I haven’t lived alone in about 7 years, & I think I’m getting tired of trying to be someone I’m not. If I want a pj day or a no makeup day, or to sleep or read or just be still…that’s all I’m asking for. The kids just don’t understand how tired I feel & physically drained. They seem to be chasing something & life has to be about stability for me…not just pipe dreams. I think I need to create that for myself.
I hope your place is coming along nicely! I also hope your friend wasn’t too upset about your moving out.
I was told yesterday that in the event C & J break up, the dog will be given to me. I truly like the little one, but he’s still very frisky, sheds alot, has to go out alot…& I want to get out on my own & even see if I can afford to take care of myself. I would love to have a dog later on…but I’d like to pick it out myself & develop my own little bond with it. (I’m the only one this weekend taking him out. I kind of resent that because C wasn’t even supposed to walk & I didn’t mind, at 1st. Then he goes & drives on his broken foot!) Well…I’m off to run errands. Hope to hear from you soon!
Take care,
Love,
Lori