Help and hope and need advice

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I feel so messed up and so scared and so lost and so depleted and angry!

I have been dealing with a N for about a year and a half or so… we bought a condo together after about 4 months of dating, we did not live in the same state. He comes here when he feels like it, we have seen each other about every 2 weeks and now only last les than 24 hours before we fight and then he packs his bags and leaves me. I just want to talk about our relasitonship and how he hurt me but he says it is in the past and I am heartless and emotional abusive. I have developed a rage and anger to the point where I don’t recognize myself… the more i fight back the more mean he is. i hate him but i love him. i feel like i am underhis control. i just want to be in a good relationship and feel like i will never find one. i feel like i am such a good person and always take responsibility for myself and i am never good enough for him. i doubt myself all the time. i have hit such a depresssion and some days i wish i was dead. but i would never kill myself. i really would not. last night i slept on a cement balcony, i wanted to hurt him and beat him… he laid in bed and made love to me… told me he loved me amd then wanted to me to forget all of our problems becasue they are in the past and that we need to quit fighting and i should go date someone else becasue i am not a priortiy and his work is a priority and i cried and he got up to eat crackers… i cried all night long and then at 4 am i had such a rage and threw a temper tantrum and kicked him out and i just want to hurt him as bad as he hurts me. i want him to suffer. i feel bad, this is not who I am. i am so giving and have spent a year stuffing myself aside for his immaturity and making excuses for him. he does nice things for me. but then cuts me down. i am scared.

i don’t think he will hurt me except i don’t know how much more i can take. i wanted to punch him last night and i pushed him for the second time.

i hate him.
i hate me.

i am so angry.

i wish this would end.

he has control over me with money, starting my own business about to be homeless and lose my company.

somedays i feel ok, somedays i feel like i am dead inside.
somedays i just want to give up
somedays i feel like i am going to find someone better.

i feel so alone.
i feel so so alone and

how did this happen?

#2

hopetoday

I am so sorry you had to end up here and feeling so bad. You are not alone in all your feelings. You certainly sound like everyone else who has come in contact with an N. Read all you can about the disorder, it will help you understand why you have all those feelings and feeling so angry and depleted. Do you have family or friends around you that can help you? You could try some time apart to get your mind and thoughts clear about what has been going on with him. You are a good person, no one would be good enough for him, it is not you. You can try to talk to him about this disorder but he most probably does not think he has the problem, he thinks you do. They always blame everything on you to make you feel responsible and work harder to please them, that you will never do. He is the only one who has the rules to the game, and they can change from one minute to the next, you can not win. Please read all you can , we all know how much this hurts and how hard it is to end a relationship like this but it can and has to be done. You will find support  here from others that are in the same place you are. You are not alone.        Hugs mamolie

#3

Thank you so much! yes, I have friends but they are so sick of me. They are so sick of hearing about it. They can’t help me.

My mother told me not to tell her about it becasue she can’t help me.

I swear, I feel like i am losing my mind.

I just want to hurt him right now.

I just want this to end.

I just want someone to love me and treat me with respect.

thank you so much, it really helps that you took the time to write and it really helps reading what you have written. I really want to know how you survivived and I hope to be in your spot someday and then help someone in my spot.

#4

Keep the line taught ( my therapist said). Now that you know about
this disorder, he can’t use you as a doormat, you will not allow it.
Just neutralize and know that you are lucky to know what has been
going on. You have to love
and respect yourself and just say NO all the time… My new
word now is NO…No thank you, instead of yes please.
On Sep 16, 2007, at 7:03 PM, hopetoday wrote:

#5

I hear you, I wore out my best friend, if you have not lived it no one can understand what it is like. Friends and Family, if you needed a place to stay or some financial help. You will have to do your talking on here, we understand exactly how you feel. I have barely survived,I too felt insane and lost a lot of brain cells, but I am hopefull of recovering some day, I am a work in progress. I am here to help you save your sanity and all your brain cells. hugs mamolie

#6

hopetoday - One day at a time. You cannot let yourself stoop to the level at which he is playing - you are better than that. I absolutely understand feeling like you’re losing your mind - it was unbelieveable how, in the middle of one of his rages, I’d look at him and realize that he had completely twisted the entire argument and was blaming me for whatever! It was uncanny! Within a matter of seconds or just a few sentences - no sane human being can keep up - of course you have to feel like you’re losing what marbles you have left. They are truly masters at the blame game. Know that that behavior is typical and your reaction completely normal. As suggested, read, read and read some more - you will see yourself and your N in every word, every story and every post. THAT should give you the comfort that you are okay and you are now in a place where you can be heard, understood and helped. Prayers for your strength - it ain’t easy (getting away), but it will be worth it. You will have your whole life ahead of you.

#7

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR EMPATHY!!! I really need this right now and can’t go to my friends. I feel so sick to my stomach. I maybe should not have done this but I just wrote him the longet email holding nothing back saying everything on my mind … he probably will not understand and will probably tell me I am messed up but I had to do it to move on. I need to stand up for myself and I feel so crazy! I do feel like I have lost all of my marbles. I feel rageful and violent and I am not either of those things. I feel like I have lost myself. I just hope that I can figure out why I am attracted to this an dnot let it happen again. I truly want to find someone who is not narcissistic. I swore that when I found N that he was not, my boyfriend before that was and I alsomost died it was so bad. I guess I should be proud of myself that I am realizing it now and not 5 years from now. ugh. i feel like i am in HELL. I know that I need to do things to make myself feel better but I feel like crap! and really do not feel like anything will help me.

#8

hi; hopetoday

I understand and have felt these feelings just as you are and I can tell you one thing for sure will work. This is 100 % fool - proof those are the only things that work for me, anyway, start doing something for yourself today, and everyday after that continue to focus on yourself and not the N, you cannot get what other people don’t have. When I was experiencing the worst pain in the world I realized this person was incappable of loving in a healthy way. Love yourself today, how, don’t interact writing long emails if you reduce the interaction you will reduce the pain. The problem for me was the reality of intensity of love was not there becasue this person didn’t have it to give. I realize today I cannot get something externally that can only be gotten from me internally, this had to do with loving myself, protecting myself when someone treated my inappropriatly. In short the answers are in the internal spirit of our hearts and souls. this is a inside job which I have to begin to pull my needs of being loved from my self first and then work my way outward, all process, you are in my prayers hand in.

#9

I agree with everyone here. especially chuck - this has to be about you. The entire relationship, whether you realized it at the time or not, was about him. The healing has to be about you. Do a little every day for you and to get a little further away.

I totally understand the feelings of rage - I would like to caution you here. Please understand that this is only MY experience I speak from, but I think that they have so many similarities that it is very possible yours will react like this: the first time I really, really became angry and “raged” back at him, he did the most amazing thing (the story is in one of my many posts here, maybe you’ve already read it) and, as soon as he’d screamed all he needed to , immediately - IMMEDIATELY - calmed down, completely changed demeanor and smiled and wanted to go “get ice cream” - it was the most unnerving, eerie thing. He switched on the charm and was nicer than he’d been in a while. I tell you think only to warn you that, perhaps (hopefully not), he will react to your email in a manner that you won’t expect.

Take care
Angie

#10

I have to agree with everyone…its all sound advice…

Look after you first and foremost…

Reading your first post and the way you wrote it reminded me so much of me…not all the content but I was reading thining…yes yes yes…I know it well too, sadly.

Tell us anything , you wont wear us out…I know some of my friends are sick to death of it all a couple are very patient but mostly people seem to get fed up and must think…why dont you just leave the relationship or stop the friendship etc etc…for those of us going thro it we know its not that simple…if only…

HUGS

#11

You can not talk or reason anything out with an N, you will never get a light bulb moment, or spark a normal response from them, no a ha moments. I know, I tried so hard this entire past year, I read everything on the disorder, but I had not accepted that, I thought 40 years of marriage had to count for something, IT DID NOT and I finally accepted that there was no hope of ever getting through to him, their minds are not like ours. If you have things on your mind that you need to say, emailing or a writing letter, has to be about you feeling better, getting things off your chest and I see nothing wrong with that, that can help your healing. If you think you will get through to him, you will only keep hurting yourself, your recovery will take longer and he will remain in your head. There are so many questions but there are no answers with this disorder, you keep them in your head if you try to make sense, you have to concentrate on yourself and moving on. It is not easy, but it can be done, one day at a time.Chuck is right they have no love to give to anyone, there is nothing wrong with you, it is him. hugs mamolie

#12

This was my " AHA" moment of NPD. I know I have told it before, but
this relates to what we are talking about.

My bro had had taken a family heirloom for $50,000 from our summer
home ( A HUGE NO NO) and sold it with out my other brother and I
knowing. My NPD brother did the old “switcharoony” and reversed
blame on me by saying that I always saw myself as the “victim”.
MASTER MANIPULATOR! I started to believe him as usual because he had
created such an insecurity in me for 39 years, but I went to THERAPY
instead. He told my other brother (ex alcoholic and codependent) in
a manipulative manner. He offered him some of the money, but then
told a sob story to make him feel guilty. My brother declined the
money as he has plenty of money. They all shook on it not to tell me
about it., Then seven months after my mother in law (my husband’s
mom)died of lung cancer (this took place during her demise), my dad
decided to tell me and told me and the justification was because my
brother’s son was the "cutest “grandchild and my brother had the
"greatest taste”. His superlatives of the “golden boy” made me CRAZY.
I almost drove off the side of the road leaving his house. He thinks
that I am just insecure in my reaction to his superlatives because he
believes them as TRUISMS. (Meanwhile I had two boys 8 and 6 who have
never received any attention and I am an artist). It was not about
the heirloom anymore, but the constant comparison of how wonderful my
NPD brother was.

I resorted to emailing my NPD dad and brothers in our family feud. I
did not know about NPD at the time. My dad just ignored them and
never responded and told me to “GO TELL MY SHRINK!”. He did give me
white roses on mother’s day, but I don’t think he even knew why. No
verbal apology was ever given. My mother is dead so they are aloud to
do what ever they want like a bullying frat pack. My step mother is
afraid to rock the boat as well, for her own fear.

They twisted the whole situation around and basically blamed me for
being selfish and for trying to take money from my poor brother (who
needed the money for a projector screen TV as he went in debt buying
it). Now I am viewed as if I have mental problems (I had a stress
breakdown (becuase of NPD), I have PTSD ( because of NPD) and
Voicelessness (because of NPD) )and that I ruined the family
"dynamics"…But I clearly have a grasp on NPD and realize what I
am really up against…THE CRAZY PART IS I CAN’T TELL THEM THAT I
KNOW ABOUT THE DISORDER BECAUSE THEY WILL NEVER CARE AND NEVER AGREE
WITH ME.

My dad and brother are broken fences with huge spikes surrounding
them. I can’t go up to them and say, “Hey, you are broken and have
spikes”…Or else they will use them again…I just have
to climb another fence and avoid their spikes. THIS IS MY MORAL OF MY
STORY. DON’T CLIMB THE FENCE AGAIN, BECAUSE YOU WILL BE SPIRITUALLY,
MENTALLY AND AND PERHAPS PHYSICALLY HARMED.

On Sep 17, 2007, at 8:13 AM, mamolie wrote: