PS…you may want to read Malignant Self Love, but I would NOT suggest your 15 year old daughter read it. She’s been through enough horror…the last thing she needs is a dose of Sam Vaknin. There are many many books written by skilled professionals on the topic of domestic violence and how to survive trauma for all ages.
Hearing that you wouldn’t wish your XN on your worst enemy is both interesting and very uplifting. Uplifting: because I see that it is possible to come out of this and look at things clearly enough not to be completely jaded to the world. Sometimes I find myself slipping and thinking that my critical sister could understand what I am going through if she just went through one day of it, but then I catch myself and realize that I would not want her subjected to these atrocities no matter how much she judges me or has trouble relating to me. Interesting: because sometimes my worst enemy is my NH and yes, I would wish himself upon him so that he could have a taste of what I go through, then I realize that he has turmoil raging in him that I may never comprehend, that of a small child in the middle of the street just struggling not to get hit by the cars whirring by.
Anabanana- I wish I could say that I am over it but I am not, just when I think I can communicate with him, he changes tactics and sends me off all over again. There is hope though, we have been divorced 5 years and with time I begin to see things less emotionally. He does engage me but not like before. Time heals…? My thoughts go out to you…
smg-I hear you. This is where my frustrations begin, I am all about change now. I keep needing to remind myself that this will take a long long time… You know, I am finding myself more and more reluctant to read Malignant Self Love due to the exact same things you have said. Will this book help me to help her through this? And yes, through 2 Psychiatrists and her Therapist, she has been diagnosed with severe depression, PTSD, possibly BPD, but all Psych’s and T are more and more satisfied she imprinted off of her father’s NPD as time goes on.
I am leaning more towards Trapped right now(thanks to Phoenix)
Interestingly enough, true to character X has reared up today.
We have not heard from him since I called to tell him she had to be hospitalized because of suicide threats mid June… Even then he never called once to check on her, but did start ranting about our “sham marriage”. Note: this is the same conversation with me telling him our daughter wants to kill herself.
His attorney recieved T’s letter yesterday stating it’s in the best interest of the girls that they have no visitation with him until she feels they are ready.
So, today he tells me he expects to enforce visitation with all of the girls. This means another out of control rage is coming…
I just want to throw my hands up and scream sometimes… How can you have any type of mature conversation with an N??? This is my biggest frustration factor, how do you communicate with them. Or how do I but yet still protect my girls? Will they ever have a normal relationship with him?
AUGH!!!
the communicaton thing is interesting…its like having to talk in another language isnt it…contradictions,lies,half truths etc…like cracking a code.
i can now"communicate"with my gather…but its alwaysvery frustrating…tiring and 'steered"by him…my partners also liked to’play mind games "too…it ispossible to relate to them on a child like level,i found anyway.
True, they seem to speak their “own” language. And yes, I can remember those days when we would argue about something and hours later, he had me so confused about my own feelings I couldn’t even remember what caused the argument.
Yes, I do have people that know and understand, especially H right now. He is so supportive, yet protective of all of us.
Yes, a storm is coming. My attorney emailed the custody paperwork to me last night to proof. The letter from T stated that its in her best interest that none of the girls have contact with Ndad, that our daughters mental health was compromised by living with him!!!
The order is not only prohibiting him from any contact with any of the girls, but also forcing him to receive counseling and show proof to the courts every 90 days, yeah good luck on that…
Now the “fight” begins. NX cannot bear to have his name sullied or look like the bad guy.
Nothing we haven’t gone through before, guess you could say each time brings better tools on dealing with NX.
Attorney is standing by with the next restraining order, police will be called, etc… we just do it by rote now.
I do have to say that the good side of this has been that this has allowed me to help other women with what to do when he does this or this scenarios. If it helps others so be it.
Hope everyone has a good day.