Help for my daughter

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

Hello, not sure where to begin here, but I am so glad I have found a starting place… :slight_smile:

My 15yo just recently moved back in with us after being beaten up by her NPD father who she chose to live with for the last 2 years. She is now back in my custody and with us(her 2 sisters, me and my new husband). We had her in counseling from the day she came to us and through her Psychiatrist and Counselor she has been diagnosed with severe depression(already threatened suicide once), PTSD, and BPD. Her counselor shies from labeling her BPD, but is more and more convinced that she is just the victim of her father’s abusive and narcissistic behavior.

Which is where I am at a loss, so much of her behavior is just like her father’s and the reason why I finally divorced him.

Does anyone have any references or resources for helping teens recover/cope with NPD parents?
As if teenage life itself isn’t hard enough!!!
What can I do to help her heal?

Malignant Self Love has been ordered, just not read yet, but I am still wondering what else is out there.

Thanks in advance for any advice… :slight_smile:

#2

" she refuses to acknowledge that she did anything wrong!!! It’s never, ever her fault and always someone else’s.
Her motto seems to be, deny, deny, deny and they will eventually believe you! AUGH!!!

It’s at this point that it get s so difficult to empathize or nurture her. She takes it and runs with the victim idealization."

I read this thread with real interest. I dont know about you, but mydaughter did not become a stranger in respect of hitting teens and changing, ther have aways been probems.

Her dad is npd too and she chose to live with him, despite a horrendos history between them. “He changed” - of course he did (NOT) he just got a new girlfriend, he just realised that the money would come in handy (I have to pay the national maximum, and way more than she costs him per week with her well paid part time job with tips!)

What made your daughter choose her dad? Desperate for his love and respect? Wnating to make him happy? My daughter became her dads great confidante - he “shared all his pobems with her” basically did a great big poor me and got al her empathy and sympathy votes. He’s good at that - they all are, its all about them of course.

the other problem when faced with nism behaviour in our kids - its like having our ex back in our lives and in our faces. the very thing you ran a mile from still haunts. it drives me to distraction. I cant bemyself with my daughter, she uses everythingagainst me that she can, puts her own spin on everything and uses it for her defence arsenal.

I sympathise with you on many levels, but I am glad you have her back, I am glad his mask slipped, my hubby still seems to be managing to keep his in place, but then he is back to breeding again, and cant be seen to be a bad daddy when he’s bagging his next victim and ensuring that the ball and chain is in place before the nonsense really starts.

Please keep letting us know how things are going and vent or rage as much as you need to when she does your head in, as whe inevitably will.

xx

#3

Susanna,
The first two responses are awesome.Love and your families support will get her through.

#4

I concur with everything Ohmicah said.

I would also recommend the book Trapped in the Mirror, but perhaps read it first before giving it to your daughter…and I think the therapist who knows your daughter is probably the best person to ask for resources, support networks, and courses of action you can take specifically that are fitting for her.

#5

I think you may have stumped the panel here. I was hoping someone else would jump in first.

All I can think of is what if I were in her shoes? What would I want to hear? This is all based on very few facts keep in mind.

I would want to hear that I’m loved, I’m normal for what I’d been through, the situation was not my fault and that mistakes were made from both parents.

I really don’t see the need to rush and find a label for her quite yet. Maybe you could label her “on the mend”.

Mike

#6

this is awful…its so hard for children to"handle"these types…its hard enough for adults!
From what i know…kids weither"internalize"the parent or rebel…perhaps that is why your daughter acts like her father?
still…away from him she can "find herself"
Beat wishes.

#7

no, I meant Trapped in the Mirror, there is also a couple of Nparent/child stories in People of the Lie

I only know what I did with my son which was make sure routine, expectations limits and rules were kept the same

plus I also ask my son often "how do you think I/he/she/they feel when you/he/they do those things?

and love my kid up, loads of affection, eye to eye contact, listen carefully and ake interest in his life.

I do those things with my 12 yr old son but I also do them rgularly with the at-risk teens I work with, many of whom have addicted or disordered parents (and may be disordered themselves).

good luck

great good luck to you both.

#8

Thank you all for such kind responses. Suffice it so say, my marriage was a long, painful journey. Oh how my X can play with your mind!

Her counselor has offered many books for both of us to read. I beleive that Malignant SL is really what I need right now.
This week has been like feeling the sun after years of clouds and rain… Everything just make so much sense now.

Question though- How do I nurture her and not the NPD tendencies? Hope this make sense…

#9

Oops, Phoenix did you mean Lost in the Mirror? Just checking… that was one book that has been recommended for her to read…

#10

My 2 cents? Lead by example. If the other children are “ok” then that’s the guidelines for her too. After a little transition period treat her no different. What’s right/wrong for them is right/wrong for her too. My guess is that those guidelines got a little blurred for her.

If she’s got the NPD she is going to work you hard. You’ve got to recognize when you’re being played and not buy into any of it.

This is really territory where very few people here are really qualified to answer. I’m no different. So take what I say with a grain of salt.

#11

Thanks, Mike. Here’s hoping time will heal. I have so much to learn in order to help her. In some odd way, helping me also. I am just amazed at how many survivors of N’s there are that willingly share what they have gone through.
I tried to spend some time today reading posts and “catching up”.
My heart goes out to all survivors!!! I wouldn’t wish my X on my worst enemy.

#12

RE nurturing her and not the npd tendancies…basically make her feel that its ok to’feel"and that no-one is going to hurt her…and hope to God that the defences come down and she learns to trust

#13

You are so very right, I think right now I tend to over analyze every little thing she does. Like everyone has stated, I just need to nurture her and help in any way I can…

I have and always will be very emotional so I tend to lose sight of the goal. Yep, just need to nudged back towards the right direction.

In the words of my 14yo. “I can pay perfect attention, oooh look at the puppy!” That would be me… :slight_smile:

#14

I am coming to the conclusion, that she very well may be NPD herself. This is with a heavy heart but lots of hope that with time, therapy, and lots of boundaries, she will find herself.

This weekend we had a scary moment, seems she has been chatting with men online and one of them contacted her via her sister’s cell phone to “meet” that night. She knows no boundaries or acceptable types of conduct. I was very leery of letting her on the internet, but chose to not listen to my instincts and this is what I get for not listening…
Her stepfather was furious as am I. The anger is not that she did it, but that she refuses to acknowledge that she did anything wrong!!! It’s never, ever her fault and always someone else’s.
Her motto seems to be, deny, deny, deny and they will eventually believe you! AUGH!!!

It’s at this point that it get s so difficult to empathize or nurture her. She takes it and runs with the victim idealization.

Another day…

#15

make sure you support yourself too

pain, confusion and frustration have a very effective way of scattering us

#16

I’m not going to hazard a guess about your daughter, you would know her better than anyone.

I do want to tell you though, I came from a solid immigrant family, hard working, honourable and still at 15 I “fell into the deep end”. I was victimized by an adult male stranger. I didnt tell anyone because I was ashamed and blamed myself. But I acted out in extreme ways for more than a year during which my clueless parents told me they were worried I’d end up in jail or dead.

I ran wild, hung out with questionable people, climbed out of my window in the middle of the night, drank a lot, did drugs,
pursued other risky behaviours, took out all my displaced anger on my poor parents, skipped a lot of school, failed a whole semester and on and on.

My parents to their credit never gave up on me, they had high expectations, and escalating consequences that were clear and followed through on…and even though I was angry at them ALL the time, I at least continued to know I was valued and cared for enough they werent going to let me self-destruct without a fight.

A year after I came to my senses again.

I guess what I’m saying is, a 15 year old not only becomes an alien from another planet because of hormones, but traumas in all forms, including having a N parent can amplify an already difficult adolescence.

I’m just hoping you hold a space for the possibility she may not be a N, she may just be hurting, confused, hormonal, rebellious, or who knows what else.

As well as that, all I can offer is, nurture your support network, that of your partner, your friends, other family members. Bolster your own sense of solidity, take a break from the stress and indulge in some fun and pleasure, pray if youre religious, and love your daughter with your firmness as well as your affection.

Parents, especially mothers have more impact than we know.

#17

That is one of my sayings…"i wouldnt wish my ex on my worst enemy"lol…strange isnt it.
Love the dog pic by the way…its gorgeous!

#18

OMG! Nic, I am always still amazed at how much alike every N out there is. I always thought that my X was just some rare species that evolved quietly through society. I identify so much with so many people, so far especially you and Phoenix.

Yes her father played the head games with all 3 girls and my middle was the only one to fall for it. He evoked the sympathy while encouraging her to rage against me and her sisters for leaving him alone out in the cold dark world. All he wanted was for us to be a happy family and “your mother” destroyed all of this, all of our dreams…etc.
She chose to go with him because she felt that he needed her, that she needed to be there for him, with him, to care for him. Her T noted to her that she acted more like his spouse and caregiver than his daughter.

At some deep seated level I worry that more happened or God knows what else will surface but I just go on.
Yes, in the beginning she was his greatest confidante, then when he “had” her the evil vileness of his existence came out and he started stripping her of herself and molding her to be his angry, negative, hateful “mini me”.
Visits with her were literally as if he had sent her to our house with a bomb strapped to her, causing all of us to sigh in relief when she left and feeling like we needed to disinfect (or maybe exorcise?) the house…

And yes yes yes!!! At first it was like allowing my X to live in the house with my husband also. She had been trained to spew even more anger and spite to my new husband also. Although she does better as time goes by.

He forced her to exist in his “world” of victimization and dettachment from all that is normal. Soon just abandoning her while he found a new victim, the girlfriend. Then , as time went by and she began to see him for who he was and the things he did, she became his emotional/physical punching bag being told things like “they(his family, his mother is the ultimate N) all hope that she grew to marry someone that beat the shit out of her because that is what she needed”. All because as a teen she was striking out to find her identity and began to see her father was not who she thought he was.
She freely admits that she immediately regretted the choice to live with him and always wanted to come back, yet would NEVER admit to him that she wanted to come back out of fear.

Her father’s personality is truly terrifying to look back on. He is type that walks into a room and is the life of the party, everybodly loves him. Then in the privacy of our home, unleash a rage for anything he might have percieved as unjust or defying him. I guess that describes it. I tend to think of her as being under his control for the last 2 years, but as we were married for more than 14 years, it’s more like her whole life, I tend to lose that perspective.

She is doing better, and I hope, finding herself more and more every day. I am the one who gets so frustrated with her dad like behavior. She and her T spoke yesterday about the internet incident and are working on that too. I took her for a haircut yesterday and for the first time since she can remember, she could make the choice about how to cut her hair( because according to her father and grandmother, only lesbians and men wear short hair, whatever!!!). So, she took off over 6 inches of it!!!
Wow, it made her feel so good about herself. She just keeps touching her hair and talking about how much she likes it… Hopefully the start of her finding her true identity in herself, not what others want her to be…

#19

I would call in support if I were you. I would contact any all men or women that you can trust to help protect you and the girls and tell them exactly what has happened at what is going on. I would also get in touch with as many law enforcement professionals as possible who will help interceed on your part. He sounds like a bully. If he feels like there’s a lot at risk, that it will cause big problems for him, or that he MAY have someone in HIS face, he will probably backoff like most bullies. Call in support, freinds, family, community. You said he will soon go into a rage of some sort…if he does an you witness it or are threatened in any way call the police immedately.

#20

There’s absolutely no way to diagnose on a forum like this, but I would hazzard a guess that your daughter is first and foremost suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, and rightly so. People having gone through trauma will exhibit all sorts of unpleasnat survival based behaviors that can lookand feel very narcissistic. Being narcississtic is a primitive defense mechanism. What she has been through is a horror and is trumatic and she is responding in an attempt to survive, in a primitive fashion, just as any organism would. Drowing victims often fight off rescue and bring the rescurer down with them; they are in a primitive defense mode, they are not using logical throught processes. Boundaries? This girl has been beat up by her father! Why would she have a clue about boundaries? How could she possbily know or understand she has rights to her own mind and her own soul much less her own skin? She will need a long time of love, safety, security, stability and modeling to move on from this. If she gets those things in abundance, she has every chance of healing and moving on.