HELP! I cant keep myself from not obsessing about my Ex N

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

Hello me again,

I am 31 with twin girls and am losing my mind. My Ex N is a huge jerk (duh) and I keep being nice to him and wanting him to to be nice to me. I even went so far as to the other night to send text messages to him, then we got on aim where i was saying “do you love me” , “i miss you” and he would say “well shit with all this bullshit we are going through i don’t know anymore” or “yeah i miss you, sometimes” why do i keep asking stupid questions. he is a horrible person, why do i care what he feels, i don’t want him anyway, i am driving myself crazy.

what we are “going through” is him taking me back to court so he doesn’t have to pay childsupport for his twins. He has an attorney and I don’t. he is unemployed but used to make a good income as of last dec. he has 3 other teenagers that he doesn’t pay for either and he barely sees. What i don’t understand is why i keep trying to win him back, i hate that i am rejected by him, that he doesn’t love me anymore but then sometimes acts like he does. i am the one pursuing him, it’s nuts! and i can’t tell anyone because they know how awful he is to me and would think i am hopeless which i think they already think i am. i am so lost! i cry at the drop of a dime, i am having to fight him in court again and if he wins i will lose my home or my car, i don’t have it in me anymore. i just think that i keep being nice because i want to feel wanted and i want things to be normal so it won’t be so hard for me. but he doesn’t care, he will always be mean or only nice when he will get something. just recently i begged him not to take the girls for his tues overnight (he has never done this and we have had the parenting plan in place for 9 months) he was only doing it to spite me, he took them anyway and of course they didn’t sleep well which is what i was worried about. long story short, he was a huge jerk to me today basically made me pay for making a comment to him like an I told you so, and is now going to never tell me anything about the girls when they are with him so that he doesn’t have to hear bittching from me. i can’t take it anymore. everytime i talk to him, he hangs up on me when he is finished with what he has to say. it drives me mad! everytime he does these jerkish things i cry, my hands shake and i focus on it for the rest of the day

when is it going to end? how can i cope? i went to a psy today but my next apt isn’t for 2 weeks since he is going on vacation. i feel so trapped in all this and because we have kids together i don’t see the light, he will always be mean and lie to me and i can only imagine what he will do to the kids

any insight is helpful. i hate feeling like this.

yvonne

#2

Yvonne, This man has no feeling for anyone but himself, he is a narcissists, Your wanting him to love you is a normal feeling only he can’t love anyone but himself. He has a very serious mental disorder and he will torture you. I know from years with mine if I asked or said not to do something, that was exactly what he did. You have to be very carefull what you say to him, they turn into sharks at the smell of blood or weakness. It is like they enjoy inflicing pain. When you begged for him not to take the girls, it just made him more determinded to do it. I don’t know where you live but have you checked on line for child support laws. How in the world can you go to court and get away with asking not to pay child support. Can you get an attorney? Can your family help you get the attorney. Did you work out visitation with him or the courts did. Have you read all you can on line about narcissists, you can not ever reason or talk things out with them. Please read and believe what you read about this disorder. They look and act human but they are not. Can you try to avoid talking to him and keep it only about the kids, till you can get a little stronger.Don’t tell him anything, he will use it against you, they are masters at doing that. There is nothing you can ever do or say to make this man human, you will never get a human caring response from him.This may sound cruel to you right now but you need to hope this man moves on to his next victim and leaves you and your girls, so you can have a normal life. You will all be better with him out of your lives. Is he ok with the kids, write everything down if you see anything that makes you uncomfortable. I am so sorry that you and your girls have to endure this. Do a search for dealing with a narcissists and custody, there are some sites that have great information on what to do and how to handle them.He will always be mean and lie but it does not have to be to you. It was not just with you, it will be with everyone he comes in contact with. There is nothing wrong with you, or the love you want, he just can’t give that to you or anyone else. I know it has to be hard being a single mother, but your life will be so much worse with him in it.Look at your beautiful daughters and reach in and find the strength you need to get through this. You and your daughters deserve so much more in life. I know that tiny thread of hope you carry that maybe you can have a relationship, maybe he can love you but it will not happen. You have to give up that hope, it will never happen, I tried for 20 years, they are not human feeling beings. I am here if you want to talk or vent. Hugs mamolie

#3

LISTEN TO ME! I am going through the same thing right now. And it’s hell! It really is! But you will get through it! I’m reading a book on Codependency and it’s helping me see how my own behavior perpetuates the cycle. FIRST, you gotta stop hurting you by extending yourself emotionally. Asking him if he loves you puts you in a vulnerable position! Honestly, you gotta feel like crap when he says he doesn’t know! Well he should know shouldn’t he? How long have you been together? How much have you put up with and sacrificed??? Why doesn’t he know? Mamomlie is right, you’re dealing with an empty vessel. And he doesn’t care about your sacrifices, or your feelings. Think of him as a cracked pot, and all the love and energy you poor in falls right out the hole in the bottom. You must understand that he doesn’t care and he can’t care. What you see is not what your getting. Next you must go out immediately and rebuild your life WITHOUT HIM. It’s going to be scary, I know cause I’m terrified. But l realize that loving him is killing me. I’m not happy with him, but I have a chance at being happy without him. Call your friends get busy (very busy). Visit your freinds, take your kids to the park. Get out get away from the house and your computer. Join a support group, it sounds like your headed in the right direction. I know that if you could snap your fingers and make it all go away you would. But that only happens in fairy tales. People take drugs and drink to get away from themselves, and the drugs wear off and the drink is finished. The only way out is through, have courage and keep reminding yourself that he’s a cracked pot, he can’t receive what you have to give.

#4

I pray we all just lose that desire for these poisonous people. I pray we soon come to the place we say “I LET GO!” or “I GIVE IT UP!”…to where we, from the very innermost part…relinquish the desire to hang on to the very thing that steals our freedom, our joy, our peace, our LIFE from us!
Soon, soon, you will, we all will come to a place where it’s just gone…that need, that desire to make it work. We will let go, we will give up the fight, and start fighting for things worth fighting for!!!
All the parts of you (us) that have died, or went to sleep, they will start coming alive again. What’s impossible for us, will become possible…by blind faith. And I mean “blind”…because you will not see the indications…but they are there. Every one of us say similiar things, and you know what…had we totally given up our will to fight, we wouldn’t be here, looking for someone who understands, seeking some type of consideration of the current conditions.
I don’t know how, but momsoftwinscolorado, you are SO gonna make it out! It’s only a matter of time! Mark my words! It will be a process, but it’s already underway!
You have what it takes…because this is YOUR life and not another’s. Your girls are going to be strong women of character and strength. You are going to be a pillar of strength and stability for them. No matter what falls apart, no matter what shakes turbulently…you will stand!
I know you will.
You hurt and may feel hopeless…but it’s a facade, it’s only a threat. Your ex is so tormented that he doesn’t understand how to function in the real world. He is wearing the shoes of a taker. He is not your responsibility…and even if he deserts his position, know that you are not alone!
My heart and prayers are with you. Your latter days WILL be greater than your former…your BEST days are ahead!

#5

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I think what makes me feel the worst and so weak is that it seems that most of the people who are with Narcis is because they keep wheeling them back in. Mine doesn’t seem to, like he will be nice and do stuff like yesterday he brought me pictures he had taken of the girls, this is something he never does. Yet, I am the one who is the pursuer. I see myself practically begging him to come back, it doesn’t make any sense. I think this is from being co-dependent, i am so afraid of being rejected yet i set myself up to get continually rejected. He doesn’t love me, yet I keep telling him I love him. Yet I don’t think I do, it’s just that I don’t want him not to want me. it sounds so crazy. has anyone done this? Just even yesterday, I practically begged him to come to my house and stay the night. He did and then i found myself begging him to stay again and his answer was “no I can’t” then i was saying “why not?” he said “i don’t know” then told me after a few more times of asking him to stay he told me because he didn’t have any clothes. then i said fine, you can wash them. but here is the thing, i can see myself from the outside saying “stop stop stop yourself, you are making a fool of yourself” yet i keep doing it. if he wanted to stay he would. but he doesn’t and i have learned from him that if i ask him enough he will so i keep asking. it’s so pathetic. i wish i could have some self control you know? i think the other reason is i am so scared of him dating someone else and how i will feel inside. i think it will devestate me because when you break up with someone it hurts, it sucks! but when you have kids, you still have to see them and talk to them and it hurts! So like an idiot i asked him to move in, i don’t want him to and i can’t imagine what all my friends would say, they would dis-own me. and i know it would be a HUGE step backwards. yet, i was asking him over and over and he was laughing because it seems so ridiculous that after all we have been through, how much he has deceived me with his legal actions, with another women that i still would keep coming back for more. this is so embarrasing that I am doing this. you are right, i need to be strong and i want to look back and think THANK GOD! i made it and i am strong and i am ok. but i don’t see the light! especially when i have all this great advice, even my own advice says to stop it but i can’t. has anyone done this too? keep trying to keep them when they don’t want to be kept? it’s so humilating.

#6

The reason I kept going back to my ex was because I was afraid of him seeing someone else and I was afraid of being alone. Guess what? He was seeing someone else. 2 someone else’s and me! There is nothing you can do if he wants to leave, there’s nothing you can do to make him stay and there’s nothing you can do if he chooses to lie and be cheat. All you can do is LET GO no matter how scary it is and take steps to take care of you. It’s going to hurt and the pain is unavoidable. But you must LET GO.

My Ex-Narcis was treating me like crap. Nice as pie, then crap, nice as pie, then crap. I began to doubt myself, my own thinking got all screwed around. I thought I was the problem, I thought I could fix it. Emotional abuse is very sinister. I still don’t completely understand it but I see it now. You need to take your power back, you need to reconnect with who you are. Nobody can do that for you. And you can get all the advice in the world but life will not change until you take the first step. No one can take that step but you, and no one can tell you when the time is right. For now take little steps, read some empowering books, go to church (don’t let the devil lie to you and tell you there will never be another man for you). Keep working on yourself on valuing who you are and loving you and one day you’re going to look at him and say “you know what, you SUCK” and you’re really going to mean it. And you’re really going to be done. I know because it happened to me. I went back with him after finding out about the other women, I tried to keep it light and easy, just have fun. Then I started having anxiety attacks. REALLY BAD. And they got even worse when I was around him. My chest would tighten, my stomach would turn, I was nervous and shakey. So I went to my Dr. to find out what was wrong and he prescribed Xanax (for Anxiety) Lunesta (Sleeping pills). I was shocked, I didnt’ want to take this CRAP!! My Ex was sitting across the table looking at me while I was staring at the pill bottles. I could hear his voice saying if you need them take them blah, blah. Then I looked up and said, “I can’t do this anymore, look what I’m doing to myself”. He got pissed off and left. Now he sends me dramatic text messages about how awful he feels. Whatever man! honestly. You didn’t feel awful before, why now? I hope you don’t get to this point, I hope you don’t waste anymore of your precious and valuable time. For now, work on you. Love you and work on yourself the lies and deception will surface. When my heart accepted the lie my body wouldn’t let me.

#7

This is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do, I know how difficult it all is. We can share our stories and tell you what you need to do, but hoping in your heart that he can love you back is a “dream” that is hard to let go off. You are feeling rejected, but it is not you. He can not love anyone, not anyone that comes after you either. I lived through 20 years of drunken abuse, he would be so mean and threaten to leave me and our two kids. I was not thinking about how badly he abused me, the next day, I cried and begged him not leave me, I was more upset about the threats to leave me then the horrible abuse he put me through. I did that over and over for 20 years, blaming the abuse on drinking. I did not know about all the kinds of abuse, or narcissism, I knew something was wrong with him, but believed with time, patience and love, he would become a human being, the nice guy that showed up once in a while. I got to where I put so much time and effort into this relationship, that I told myself just when you let go, someone else will get that good guy you were trying so hard to get, so don’t give up now. Well that was never going to happen, he has no love to give anyone, they would be treated the way he treated me, He has no heart. People who are capable of love don’t abuse you or treat you badly in the first place. Try reading more about narcissists and ther behavior, and keep telling your self, it is not you, he can not love anyone. You have to work on getting your heart and mind in the same place. You are atleast aware that something is wrong, be patient and don’t give up working on your self, I am here for your weak moments. You do not want to live my life and you do not want to put your girls through this. You can get through it, you and your girls desverve so much more in life, don’t settle for less, ever. Hugs mamolie

#8

double dee—you’ve hit the nail on the head again…When you get to the point that you can say to yourself “loving him is killing me” you know it’s time to go. Get out, get away, stay away and start loving yourself again. These posts are so helpful…I wish we could all get together and support each other in person…wow, what a kick-butt support group we could have.

I thought I had removed myself from my N…I did something that I’m embarassed to admit, so I’m back on the “loving myself” wagon again. Everytime I deal with him, I see how incapable of love he is. It’s like mamolie says…they go through the motions, they look real, they can say and do the right stuff, but it’s like they are play acting. They are doing it because they have learned it or something…it’s not coming from the heart. They are so empty emotionally, there’s no sincerity in their words… It makes myself sick that I allowed myself to get sucked back in…again.

#9

momoftwinscolorado, I just wanted to address this specifically:

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I think what makes me feel the worst and so weak is that it seems that most of the people who are with Narcis is because they keep wheeling them back in.

Something told me to come back and address this. I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. For me the relationship has gone back and forth. He breaks up with me and I go back. I break up with him and he comes back. I can’t tell you how many times we have broken up and gotten back together. I can’t tell you who comes back to whom more. I think we’re about even. Right now as you know I broke up with him, but that was after he broke up with me and wanted to keep me around as a fcuk buddy (sorry if i’m offending anyone). Are you confused yet? It’s really hard to ignore the phone calls and text messages. It’s really hard to put my foot down and say NO MORE. I can’t talk to him because I’m afraid of what he might say. I want him to beg me to come back. And knowing him he will say that he was just having a moment of weakness, that he doesn’t want to be in a realtionship. I’m not strong enough to open myself up for that. I wouldn’t be able to take it. And in the end it’s not the point! I feel broken, I feel used, I cry, I shake, I feel weak and I want to pick up the phone. But what difference would it make? He’s a lie! I’m in love with a lie! The only difference between me and you is I made the choice this time around. I said no more. I can’t allow myself to go another round and get crushed again. I try to hang on tight during my bad days. And I’m sure if he never called or texted me I wouldn’t be feeling so bad. It’s like it throws me into chaos. I know what I need to do and I need to summon my courage to do it again! Because this time there’s no going back for me. My Mom told me that when you’re really through with a man, it won’t matter if he has your cell, job #, house address etc. Because in your heart you’re done and there’s no going back. There’s no feeling, you’re not pissed, you’re just done. I guess there’s that little piece of me that’s not quite done. That’s the part that I coach everyday. I say he’s not worth it, you deserve better, he doesn’t really love you and you know it. And it keeps me off the phone one more day. I just wanted you to know that.

Wondering, I wish we could all get together too. Getting sucked back in again is part of it. You sound strong and realistic about your situation. Keep on movin.

#10

Thank you!!! you’re words are encouraging girls, really they are. It’s good to know that I am not crazy, that this has happened to other people out there, unfortunate as it is. I think finding out I am co-dependent is very helpful too. I think if I can help myself with that I won’t be as afraid that this will happen to me again.

On another note, this is where I feel so crazy. I don’t know if I made myself clear earlier? or maybe i did. I am horrible at typing when it’s coming from the heart. My question is this, has anyone ever begged their N to come back? and they don’t really want to? i see myself acting like a fool and I can’t or haven’t stopped myself. i focus my day on him and then when i see him like yesterday i was asking him if he wanted to get back together, if he wanted to move in, and he just kept shaking his head and smiling. so i said “is that my answer”? and he said "no i am not saying anything’. so here is the thing, he doesn’t want to, obviously, and really i don’t want him to either. but i keep playing the game so that i know he wants me and then when he does kind of come back although he won’t say we are together but he will stay the night or whatever, i start the feelings of guilt and wanting to be able to stop the cycle. for example last night, he got a new job 15 minutes from my house and 60 minutes from his. i asked him if he wanted to stay the night and he said hmm maybe i don’t know. he doesn’t want to! but i keep asking him. then today i was thinking god let today be the day i move on. let today be the day, my heart and mind say “no more pain”. after reading your story about sitting there with the bottle of pills, i felt like man i need to get out of this, i need to make the cut. but then what if he comes tonight? or now he knows i put it out there i want him to move in, so he will always think it’s an open invitation. but if i say ‘you know what? i am done’ i think i will freak out and call him and take it back. see, he never pursues me, i never give him the chance. that is why i feel so different and think maybe he isn’t really an N and I am just obsessing. BUT i never used to be like this, it’s so humilating and awful. i just want to wave a magic wand and bam i am looking back and saying “thank god! that over, i am so happy now with my life”

p.s. i found a great saying “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

#11

YES, I have begged, here’s the story. His friends were dropping hints about other women. I would confront him with it and he would deny it. So when he broke up with me, he said that all I do is work and I don’t pay enough attention to him. He said there were plenty of women out there who wanted to be with him. He said all I talked about was my freakin house and decorating. We had a big fight. When it was over I felt all this remorse. OMG! He’s right all I do is work I never have fun, all I talk about is the house and renovating. And I called him and begged him to come back. Please don’t go I said. You’re right about me I cried, he said he would think about it, that he was used to the idea of being single. Then he called a few days later. Came over and spent the night. While he was sleeping I went through his cell phone and looked at his text messages. There was one woman who sounded real romantic. Honey, baby I miss you. My heart caught in my throat. When he woke up I asked him again. Are you seeing anyone other than me? And he said NO. HE FLAT OUT LIED. And still I wasn’t mad. I thought she was new, we broke up, I have no say what he does. Then I told him I went through his cell and it looked like he was seeing someone. He became very angry, I violated his privacy. Yelled and screamed at me, told me not to “mess up his shyt”. I was floored. I had no intention of contacting this woman. I just wanted the truth. We had another big fight and I begged him to stay. I’m sorry, I love you, don’t go. I thought it was my fault! I thought that I worked so much that I neglected my relationship. And I deserved what I was getting. Now the story leads back to the anxiety meds that my Dr. prescribed and me getting a “GRIP” and telling him to F-OFF. Then his friends told me about the other women. So there are 3 including myself and he was courting one more. The others have been around since last year so their text conversations were not sappy. The new girl “honey-baby” had the sappy texts. Apparently he also gets jealous when he thinks one of the women in his harem is seeing someon else though he has not officialy committed to anyone. Like he was doing with me and making it my fault, I’m wrong, I’m bad. Writing this stuff hurts. The lies and betrayal. The lack of empathy, selfishness. Realizing that not only is he a huge lie but that he manipulated me too. Staying this long and accepting all that crap is my codependency. The lack of empathy, lies and control, emotional abuse etc. are his Narcissist behaviors. He’s a “Somatic Narcissist”. Understanding the N issues helps me move on and realize that it’s not me and was never me. That he had nothing to offer me and has nothing to offer another woman. Understanding my codependency explains why I would obsess about him and why I would stay! Knowing that I deserved better. Even the people around HIM thought I deserved better. It was his friends who spilled all his dirt. When I was begging a part of me would say “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!! LEAVE HIM ALONE, HE’S CRAZY”. And still I would beg and try to fix it. Keep studying, keep reading and eventually you will find the courage to leave your N alone. I haven’t heard from my ExN for a few days. He called late sunday night, I was sleeping and didn’t hear the phone. I expect he will call again eventually. But like I said before, it means nothing. He’s empty, a cracked pot, the father of lies. Whatever love I poor in flows out the sides. (Ha, that rhymes!) I deserve a man that says, honey you’re working to hard, let me take you dancing. I want you to have a good time! Now that’s healthy love.

#12

Ahhh… (sighing) ladies.
I agree, wondering, we would be so awesome in a support group, in person! How cool would it be, to come through all of this and eventually help others get through!?
I know, by experience, now I can almost make a call on the next thing that’s gonna happen with an N…yet, the addiction lingers. Like, DoubleDee says…there comes a place when not just in our heads, but in our hearts we say “ENOUGH!”.
I think all of us will be getting there soon, we’re closing in on the home stretch…even if it doesn’t look like it! Our sweet Mamolie might even adopt her own culture in her home and put Mr. Selfish in his place so he can shape up or ship out. lol!
MomsoftwinsColorado, I also want to address wht DoubleDee did…about being the only one who keeps begging back. I am not sure how long you’ve been dealing with your fruitcake…but it’s been since I was 20 years old…and I will be turning 29 in a couple of months.
There was about 3 years, maybe longer…that my life sounded just like yours.
My ex-N was only rude, unloving, unsupportive, taxing, taking, using and abusing…there were at least 4 affairs that I know of. Two of them while I was pregnant with our first child. How sick!! I only had suspicions at the time, I din’t find out until after all of them. Beleive it or not…I prayed like a mad woman for God to reveal the truth to me…I felt like God wanted me to pray for him to prepare me because the news would be devestating. I prayed for almost 2 weeks for him to prepare my heart to be able to cope and make it through once I found out.
Then, out of the blue, I recalled a client of my husband;s who had called my home asking about him. He was so furious that someone would call his personal number.
Long story short, I called this woman back and flipped her lid when I told her I knew in my gut she had slept with my husband. She probably believes in God now, if she didn’t before. I told her God told me. She spilled her guts!
Even after all of that, Mr. N didn’t show care, little remorse, mainly anger and rage. He let me play the role of the provider and keeper of the home. I made everything happen. He was basically a free-loader who happen to be married to the person he was using. He was cold and unloving and all I did was beg and beg for love and acceptance.
Everything I did was critisized and he always made remarks and scenes play out where I looked stupid and worthless.
The man screamed at me because he was mad for his truck being stuck in the snow because he HAD to make it to work. Come to find out, it was because he had reservations at a hotel with a married woman at his workplace…planning to bang her all day while his pregnant wife stay alone in a cabin in the middle of a blizzard! (Sorry, how crass, huh.)
I believe you are not any different than any of the rest of us, nor is your ex-N any different than any of ours. There are just different stages, I believe. It’s like a cycle, and you have been in this particular cycle for a while, just like I was. Geez! When I read what I just wrote, it makes me want to puke thinking that I have ever let him cast his shadow on my doorstep again!
You are gaining freedom, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I keep thinking of how so many people can tell us all so many practical, logical things…that we KNOW to be true…yet, they are not in our shoes, and we are the only ones who have the power to make a change.
I think of how I want to be the one to say “Get away from me, if you want a part of your children’s lives…go to court” and not feel as if I have to explain myself. I always want to be understood. How stupid? There’s no way people in the frame of mind that these “takers” are in could UNDERSTAND anything unless it’s in their language…“ME” language.
It’s all about them. The only people who would even wind up with them are people with low self esteem or people starving for affection. That’s exactly what I was when I met this guy. We are better than this, we deserve better. We should never allow anyone to steal our peace, and that’s the bottom line. These “takers” are peace theives.
Momsoftwinscolorado,
You may still be hanging on right now, but soon you will find that something will rise up on the inside and what’s in your head will have made it to your heart (at leat partially, it’s a process)…you will do like DoubleDee. You will let it out, and let it go. You will be relieved to do so. Blind faith, girl. What seems to be from out of nowhere, it will come…but know it’s the strength of God, giving you grace to do it.
Stop beating yourself up, it’s ok to feel the way you do, for now…you are learning to let go. When you’re reay, you’ll know. You’re a super champ!
Oh, we’re gonna see these things in the right prospective…we’re all getting there. Thanks girls, you’re all so great. Glad to have you.