Hi. I have been dating my girlfriend on and off for 3 years. She is bipolar. She has very fast mood swings where she is quick to anger and/or sadness, but mostly anger. When she gets this way, she’s completely illogical, unreasonable, says very hurtful things, says things that aren’t true, and the problem is that she’s thinking that it’s all reasonable and that it makes perfect sense. So afterwards she’s actually defending what she does or says and it putting the blame on me when she’s the one that started and continued the whole thing with her irrational behavior.
For me, it’s very hard to deal with because I have never had to deal with anyone acting completely illogical and unreasonable in my life. Like for example, this evening we got into a huge argument and she left the room a couple of times. A bit afterwards, she tells me that she left the room to cut herself and that I should have stopped her. But I didn’t know that she was leaving the room to cut herself so how could I stop her when I didn’t know that she was doing it? So I tell her that, but as we argued she continually kept repeating " If you loved me you would have stopped me from cutting myself!" So I had to constantly keep repeating myself that I didn’t know that she was cutting herself so that doesn’t make sense. That’s just one example of what I mean when I say once she gets upset she becomes completely illogical and unreasonable. And something happens like that, or worse, every time we argue.
So, I’m a logical person. I’ve never dealt with someone being so crazy or illogical or whatever you wanna call it, that they can’t think rationally and continue a conversation outside the realm of sanity. I just have no clue what to do or what to say to get through to her, nothing helps! So hopefully you can imagine how, as a human being, I react to this kind of behavior. Not well.
Over time, this relationship has become very tumultuous. When we first got together she started yelling at me, cussing me out, pushing me, hitting me, degrading me, and throwing things at me and at first I just couldn’t understand why she was doing all this but I never lowered myself to the same level. But after awhile, I began to crack under her constant abuse. Now, I yell at her, I throw things back at her once she throws something at me, and yes, I have hit her. It’s been a long time since I have because I don’t want to cause her harm and I promised I wouldn’t do it anymore. I’ve never been a violent person though! I’ve haven’t got in a fight, or hit another human being since I was a little kid! I want whoever reads this to understand that I’m not a woman beater, I never meant to hurt her. It was just as if something in me snapped, and since she’s unrelenting(she never drops the argument) and controlling(she blocks doorways and keeps my socks and shoes away from me when I try to leave and diffuse the situation) when we argue I just feel like I’m trapped and I need her to just leave me alone and like the only way I could get her to leave me alone is if I hurt her physically.
What makes these arguments so bad, is that not only is she unrelenting about it, and controlling about it, but it’s the fact that it’s all about something COMPLETELY insane and irrational! So it’s like all this trouble and strife and stress, all of it is for something completely nonsensical and trivial!
I need help. I’m not violent anymore, but I still get very angry and frustrated because I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with her when she gets this way. I love her so much, and I want this relationship to work. But how does a rational mind deal with a completely irrational mind?
I read some other posts and someone said the first thing that should happen is she needs to actually take her medication. I agree with that, because when she is on her medication we rarely get in arguments, and when we do they diffuse much quicker than normal. But she hasn’t been taking her medicine for a long time now.
But I also need some help learning how to deal with her when she gets this way. Are there any techniques or something I can do so I don’t get furious so quickly.
And also, is there anything I can do to get her to calm down and stop acting the way she’s acting? Because the longer she keeps going, the better the chance I’ll get frustrated and angry. I always felt the best way to deal with it was to just leave to diffuse the situation. But she will block the door, or keep my shoes from me or both so I don’t leave. I don’t manhandle her because I don’t want to hurt her, but should I? Is it more important that I leave and diffuse the situation, so snatching my shoes out of her hands and grabbing her and throwing her away from the door is ok? Or is it the latter?
Like I said, I really need help, serious help. I know this was a very long post, but I just hope someone has the heart here to read it all and help me because I just don’t know what to do. I just feel like I’m gonna snap.
Please help me.