How to be a good wife in 1954

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

Excerps from a home economics high school textbook, 1954 You will love this.

 Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned ABOUT HIS NEEDS. Most men are hunry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 MINUTES TO REST, so the you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a little ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. HE HAS JUST BEEN WITH A LOT OF WORK WEARY PEOPLE. BE A LITTLE GAY AND A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING. "HIS" BORING DAY MAY NEED A LIFT.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys paper, etc. THEN RUN A DUST CLOTH OVER THE TABLES. LITE A CANDLE. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, AND IT WILL GIVE YOU A LIFT, TOO.

 Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces(if they are small), comb their hair and if necessary change their cloths.THEY ARE LITTLE TREASURES AND HE WOULD LIKE TO SEE THEM PLAYING THE PART.

 Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noises of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacum. TRY TO ENCOURAGE CHILDREN TO BE QUIET. BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM. GREET HIM WITH A WARM SMILE AND BE GLAD HE IS HOME.

Some don'ts: DON'T GREET HIM WITH PROBLEMS AND COMPLAINTS. DON'T COMPLAIN IF HE IS LATE FOR DINNER. COUNT THIS MINNOR COMPARED TO WHAT HE MIGHT HAVE GONE THROUGH THAT DAY. Make him comfortable, have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes,

Speak in a low soft, soothing and pleasant voice. ALLOW HIM TO RELAX AND UNWIND. Listen to him, you may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. LET HIM TALK FIRST. Make the evening his. NEVER COMPLAIN IF HE DOES NOT TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER OR TO OTHER PLACES OF ENTERTAINMENT. INSTEAD, TRY TO UNDERSTAND " HIS" NEED TO BE HOME AND RELAX. Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can RENEW HIMSELF IN BODY AND SPIRIT.

This was my mother raising my sister and I and the attitude of society when we grew up. Then all of a sudden because of alcoholics, we crossed the line of care taking and became enablers and codependents, is it any wonder we started to talk about dysfunctional famlies,Dad was the king of the castle, then domestic violence and abusers, but again we are the codependents and enabled the abusers. Did I go into a time warp and missed all the vital information about my changing role, The information starts comming out and I am to instantly completely turn myself around, like I knew all of this and be blamed for bringing it all on myself. I line was drawn for nurturing and somehow I was now crossing it. Women have been changing, no wonder men are slow to give up their reign, they had a good life for a very long time. We educate and prepare our children for the work force, to be productive citizens, we fail to teach them about the types of abuse and the damaged people they will encounter in the work place and in their relationships. This is why I feel so strongly about getting more attention and changing the definition of domestic violence to focus more on the emotional damage done, the wounds and scars you can't see or measure. More needs to be known about the personality disorders which are at the core of most of the abusers. We need to focus on the problem, the abusers, narcissists, and what to do with them. If we can't do anything thing, we certainly need to educate and warn everyone of their existance. We need more compassion and understanding for the victims, men, women and especially the children who suffer at their hands. Hugs mamolie

#2

Woa… Yes, Mamolie, your mother was my
mother…She wore a moo-moo and pink lipstick. Took 1/2
hour out to listen to his struggles at work, and somehow stuffed us
away … God only knows
what we were doing…shopped for dinner, .then made dinner, then
cleaned up dinner, then bathed us, then put us to bed… Not a
finger lifted by my father…

Alcohol and cigarettes were definitely prevalent on my mom’s breath
every night.

On Oct 2, 2007, at 12:22 PM, mamolie wrote:

Excerps from a home economics high school textbook, 1954 You will
love this.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him and are concerned ABOUT HIS NEEDS.
Most men are hunry when they come home and the prospect of a good
meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take
15 MINUTES TO REST, so the you’ll be refreshed when he arrives.
Touch up your makeup, put a little ribbon in your hair and be fresh
looking. HE HAS JUST BEEN WITH A LOT OF WORK WEARY PEOPLE. BE A
LITTLE GAY AND A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING. “HIS” BORING DAY MAY NEED
A LIFT.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks,
toys paper, etc. THEN RUN A DUST CLOTH OVER THE TABLES. LITE A
CANDLE. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and
order, AND IT WILL GIVE YOU A LIFT, TOO.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s
hands and faces(if they are small), comb their hair and if
necessary change their cloths.THEY ARE LITTLE TREASURES AND HE
WOULD LIKE TO SEE THEM PLAYING THE PART.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
noises of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacum. TRY TO ENCOURAGE
CHILDREN TO BE QUIET. BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM. GREET HIM WITH A
WARM SMILE AND BE GLAD HE IS HOME.
Some don’ts: DON’T GREET HIM WITH PROBLEMS AND COMPLAINTS. DON’T
COMPLAIN IF HE IS LATE FOR DINNER. COUNT THIS MINNOR COMPARED TO
WHAT HE MIGHT HAVE GONE THROUGH THAT DAY. Make him comfortable,
have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his
pillow and offer to take off his shoes,
Speak in a low soft, soothing and pleasant voice. ALLOW HIM TO
RELAX AND UNWIND. Listen to him, you may have a dozen things to
tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. LET HIM
TALK FIRST. Make the evening his. NEVER COMPLAIN IF HE DOES NOT
TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER OR TO OTHER PLACES OF ENTERTAINMENT.
INSTEAD, TRY TO UNDERSTAND " HIS" NEED TO BE HOME AND RELAX. Try to
make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can
RENEW HIMSELF IN BODY AND SPIRIT.

#3

WOW! I giggled through most of this. It’s hard to believe how much times have changed and how much the haven’t. My Ex boyfriend (not the N) had a second job during the holiday season on weekends. I would cook, clean and be ready when he came home. When he walked in tired I took off his shoes prepared his plate gave him his glass of wine turned on the TV and handed him the remote. Sometimes I would massage his feet. My girlfriends thought I was crazy and I thought they were selfish. If my guy has two jobs trying to keep the bills paid I’ll rub his feet, no problem.

In today’s two income households I think men and women need to care for each other in this way. Be more sensitive to each other’s needs. I think it would make happier families and healthier relationships.

And people definately need to be more aware of the various emotional disorders.

#4

Cost of Living in 1954

Gallon of milk .92
Loaf of Bread .17
Dozen Eggs .76
Postage .03
Gallon Gas .21
Dow Ind. Avg 403
New Home 22,000
Avg. Income 3,960 equals 1.90 per hour for 52w/40h
Min. Wage .75 per hour

Just some perspective on life, then and now.

Dawn :slight_smile:

#5

The way narcissists (and psychopaths) interact with others makes them
extremely potent manipulators. How potent? So potent that their
powers of manipulation are spooky and seem downright magical.

How does the way they interact with others make them such expert
manipulators? Because practice makes perfect, and they have been
practicing the art of manipulation in every interaction since birth.

Indeed, in playing to the mirror of your face, that’s what they’re
doing, isn’t it? Manipulating you. Everything they say and do is
entirely for effect, to get the reaction they want from you. That IS
manipulation.

They’re regulating, manipulating your reactions. But you aren’t like
them. Your reactions come from within. So, what are they ultimately
regulating and manipulating? Your thoughts. Manipulation is mind
control.

Manipulation is a subtle thing. So subtle that we are usually unaware
of being manipulated, unless the manipulator blows it and breaks the
spell. So, manipulators are putting thoughts into our heads that we
think are ours. A very dangerous thing. 
Since a narcissist isn’t acting on normal human premises, since all
he is doing is playing you for the reaction he wants, truth is
irrelevant. Truth or lies — it’s all the same to him. Whichever
works. Usually that’s lies.

It would be more correct to say that there is no such thing as truth
to a narcissist. Because there is no such thing as truth when playing
Pretend. That’s why narcissists and psychopaths beat lie detector
tests. (In fact, so do many people from “shame” cultures where lying
to save face of oneself, one’s family, one’s tribe, and one’s
religion is considered morally necessary and expected.)

Psychopaths are known to get so good at manipulating people that, by
the time they’re teenagers, they routinely fool and manipulate mental
healthcare professionals, judges, prison officials, parole boards,
and social workers who know they are psychopaths, are on the lookout
for attempts to manipulate them, and should be immune to manipulation.

It isn’t a matter of intelligence: it’s a matter of practice,
experience. This is because most of what transpires in interaction
happens too quickly to think it through.

In playing to the mirror of your face, the narcissist receives a
steady stream of your feedback to the steady stream of words and body
language he sends. He continuously reacts to every nuance of it in
"real time," if you will. A sideways glance from you might make him
alter his choice for the next word in the sentence he is saying. Or
his facial expression or tone of voice. Or it might make him take a
step closer to you.

So, no matter how cunning a manipulator is, he isn’t consciously
analyzing your every slight reaction and fine-tuning his act to it. I
say that because he can’t be. That would be impossible, because no
one could think that fast.

He must be relying on a lifetime of experience at this game, reacting
habitually in certain ways to certain things he observes in you on
the fly. In other words, this manipulation must be rather like the
act of hitting a forehand in tennis.

You cannot consciously think your way through the stroke. Too many
things are happening too fast. In fact, you will botch your stroke
and be lucky to even connect with the ball if you try to consciously
think your way through with “Watch the ball … bend your knees …
keep your arm straight … keep your head still … step into the
shot…et ad infinitum.” Well, that’s exaggerating a bit, because
there are only about 100 instructions I could list for hitting a
forehand :wink:

You can’t think that fast. No one can. So, you must practice that
stroke enough under varying conditions to program the unconscious
centers of the brain to execute it virtually automatically. When you
net your shot or hit it out (provided you note how far off the shot
was), your “program” is revised to get the bug out.

This phenomenon is called Natural Learning. It’s how we learn to walk
and talk.

That “program” isn’t just a fixed set of muscle commands from the
brain. It’s an interactive program like a computer program. Because
no two forehands are the same. Yet the more you practice, the better
your forehand program, and the more effectively it faithfully
produces a good forehand under widely varying conditions. You have
only to make the major decisions, such as where and how to hit the
ball: speed, spin, and placement. But Natural Learning is so powerful
that even tactical decisions become virtually automatic in advanced
players. Hence the best players in the world do very little conscious
thinking while the ball’s in play.

The power of Natural Learning is also illustrated by comparing
experienced drivers with young drivers. Young drivers have no
experience, so they must think their way through problems. Result?
Crash. But with the same problem an experienced driver has no
problem. He or she spontaneously makes an intuitive, instinctive move
faster than the speed of thought. Result? No crash. 
When playing to the mirror of your face, that must be what a
narcissist is mostly doing — relying on a lifetime of experience
that allows him to instinctively react to every bit of feedback he
gets from you. That’s how he fine-tunes your reactions into the
feedback he wants. This is manipulation. And it’s occurring faster
than the speed of thought, because a narcissist has had so much
constant practice at drawing the look he wants that most of his
"moves" are virtually automatic.

This is why, I think, narcissists seem like machines with their knee-
jerk reactions to things. But those reactions aren’t knee-jerk
reflexes: they are learned through experience to the point that they
become habitual as second nature.

This is also why, I think, we tend to overestimate the intelligence
of narcissists, psychopaths, con artists, and other manipulators like
dictators who con their way to power. We think they must be brilliant
to be so manipulative. But even a stupid narcissist I knew was
extremely manipulative. Their skill is the fruit of constant practice
at manipulation in every human interaction.

But it doesn’t pay to underestimate them, either. That same practice
makes them extremely observant and perceptive. Over time that will
improve their intelligence, at least some aspects of it.

In fact, they are much more observant and perceptive than they seem.
That’s because all they’re interested in is what they can use. So,
though they block out much, what they do choose to see, they see very
well. They are interested in your reactions, not you. So, they
probably are more aware of how you react to things than you are. But
the only information about you they’re interested in is what that can
use to exploit you. The rest they filter out of consciousness = forget.

So, never think that you are too smart to be manipulated by a
narcissist, psychopath, or con artist. You aren’t. And you surely can
never beat one at his own game.

That’s nothing to be ashamed of. It just means that you are an
innocent who hasn’t spent his or her whole life practicing the black
art. So, you won’t win that game.

On Oct 2, 2007, at 5:16 PM, dlpatterson wrote:

#6

What that excerpt implies, is those ladies had absolutely nothing to do all day. They watched their black and white TVs, not a lot of stations or programs back then and ate bon bons all day. Women didn't have anything to do to be tired from, just his hard day at work.

 I was surpised watching home and garden show that they had those modern appliance back then. We must have really been poor, my mother didn't have any of those modern appliances. I remember her first wringer washer, you had to hand crank the wringer part by hand to put the cloths through, then she got an upgraded electric wringer washer model that you just had to feed the cloths through, what a convience, no more hand cranking for her.Wonder if my Dad told her how lucky she was he bought that for her?

She stretched lines all over the back yard and hung all the cloths out to dry in the warmer weather, hung in the basement on lines in winter. It took all day to do the laundry.She dressed up in an apron with all the cloths pins held in a large pocket on the front of it, later a bag of them that hung on the line, that she moved along to each line. She had cloths props to get those sagging lines back up. Our laundry was a work of art flapping in the breeze, everything hung in rows, all the socks,all the underware and bras, shirts and tops, towels, sheets perfectly hung, many things had an extra step, startch for shirts and pillow cases. Ironing was a chore, everything cotton, no permanent press back then. She also made jellie and canned fruits and vegetables at the end of summer. They came out of the depression, nothing was wasted, everything was used, nothing was thrown away and no science projects in her fridge.

 She endured abuse from my father, nothing she could do about it and took good care of my sister and I. She was my Dads property, wife, homemaker and mother, wonder what went through her mind about her place in life, if she thought she deserved more. Did she develope outstanding survival skills or learned how to detach to get through it all. Can you imagine the lives that women like my Mom and before her endured,abuse and hard work all they knew and had to accept, we have come along way, but we still have a ways to go. I am better off than her with all the modern conveniences, but I have been just as emotional damaged as my mother, only I know it she did not. Hugs mamolie

#7

Mamolie:

Perhaps, just perhaps, (hear me out on this one), the brainwashing
that these women seemed to
be under the spell of, was a good thing. Perhaps when you see the
light at the end of the tunnel, it
gives you hope. There was no light, nor tunnel back then. And no
one really had it any better… As Camille Paglia suggests,
perhaps women’s lib was a mistake. Which I certainly don’t agree
with, but we HAVE ALL
THIS HOPE FOR EQUALITY, and ARE WE REALLY GETTING IT? I mean WE DO
EVERYTHING NOW.
Perhaps the narcissistic reaction is to keep a BIT OF THE CAVE
MAN left…BAM BAM…
On Oct 2, 2007, at 6:32 PM, mamolie wrote:

On Oct 2, 2007, at 6:32 PM, mamolie wrote:

#8

The 50s wife advice was just perfect for serving, living and surviving life with an N. It was all about taking care of your man.

This is the updated version I found for women of the 90's

 Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been lousy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

This does not work with an N, call and ask him if he wants to eat out, You will need his permission to do this, you will be able to tell by his tone of voice if you better get your ass home and cook him a meal, your day could never be as hectic or lousy as his ever, refer to women of the 50's, change your mood, and give him a warm welcome when he comes through the door.

 Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the LANCOMB, counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he bleches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card)

 Make sure you are not taking time away from him and you are using your money, do not use his credit card. Never become irritated with his belching, Be happy and a little more interesting, especially if you bought something at LANCOMB.

Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

You may be able to get away with the housekeeper if you are paying for it. Go through the house making sure that nothing on the floor belongs to him, before the housekeeper comes, there will be hell to pay if something of his is thrown out.

Prepare the children: Drop them off at Grandma's!

This can work, unless he hates your mother.

Minimize the noise: When he arrives home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy( but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile.....this way he might fix it faster)

 I would try to read him for the best time and mood to bring this up, washer most important, could get around the disposal for awhile.Never tell him it is driving you crazy, nothing will get fixed, his purpose is to make you crazy. Always greet him with a warm smile.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughtout dinner. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and clean up.

 First part right, don't ever greet him with problems and complaints. Always let him speak first. Never complain if he is late for dinner, you always do the cooking and the clean up period.

Make him comfortable. Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he is cold. This will show you care.

Make him comfortable, get that warm fuzzy blanket for him, it's your fault he is cold.

 Listen to him: but don't let him have the last word.

Listen to him: He always has to have the last word.

Make the evening his: A chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.

Make the evening his: Feel him out, check his mood, see if it is a good time to bring this up yet.

The goal: To try to keep things amicable with out reminding him that you make more money than him.

The goal: To keep his life as stress free as possible, never remind him you make more or do more than him ever. Never remind him of anything, keep smiling and serving.