I feel so isolated because He is so wonderfull outside, no one understands the duel personalities. I can’t even get my older children to understand how bad it is.They accept him as is and think I should just move on, without validating my life. Searching on line, I realized this past year, I am married to a narcissist.I could finally make sense of what I have lived. I am still grieving all the wasted years. We have gone for help 3 times in the past ten years and I did not get the right help. I am still married to him, I am a mental mess and he is fine and getting along with our kids, so they think I should just move on. Even my best friend has a hard time becasue he has always been so nice to her. How can I possible explain to any one including my kids. Thank mamolie
Hi -
I am sorry for you pain! I can fully emphatize.
But: that is not going to help you…
what IS going to help you is making yourself less vulnarable for his antics. His manipulative play and sick behavior is something that has NOTHING to do with you. You didn’t CAUSE it, you can’t CURE it, and you can’t LIVE with it unless you are willing to loose yourself.
NO ONE, few exceptions, will fully understand and comprehend what you are going through. Unless you talk to ‘us’!
This is something I can recommend, look for supportgroups! Online, but also offline. Read up on the subject.
If anything, get a psychiatrist on board. Lure hubby into seeing one. Get smart and cunning yourself.
After my kids and I removed ourself from HIS life, it took about 2 yrs before they told me: ‘mom, we always thought YOU were the crazy one, crying, being angry, sad and ugly all the time, because daddy was always ‘easy going’. NOW we understand what really happened and how scary his behavior was’. The boyz are 14 and 16 now…
His whole family is in denial. Even though he has abandoned 4 kids, and has at age 43, 3 divorces behind him. Lost a promising job in the civil service because of his sexual deviation (of course I am the blame…). Even so…it is still MY fault, I am the crazy one. As the wife before me and the wife before HER were the crazy ones…
Who cares what others say or think…educate them, tell your story in an objective way…you’ll see…they will understand eventually!
Hang in there!
Dutch
Hi, Dutch,
These may be of help - click on the links:
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse9.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse2.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal62.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal63.html
Take care.
Sam
----- Original Message -----
From: “dutchkosmikgirl” npd-cpt2571@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2007 10:15 AM
Subject: Re: [npd] how to tell people your partner is not Mr Wonderfull
In the process of getting over my relationship with my NPD, I was commiserating with music and quite by accident, heard the following song by Kelly Clarkson…it pretty much described the whole mess. Thought someone else out there could relate…
“Beautiful Disaster”
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right
It just ain’t right
Oh and I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
He’s magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with more damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight
Oh 'cause I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
I’m longing for love and the logical
But he’s only happy hysterical
I’m waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long
He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end, he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he’s more than I can take
Oh 'cause I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
I feel your pain.
The best I can do for you right now is to empathize. One thing that has helped me is going to Dr. Irene's website
http://www.drirene.com/
It has helped me A LOT. Search for narcissim (sorry always spell it wrong lol) and there is a lot of good advice there to deal with coping and how to handle yourself around friends and family....it has helped me deal with my situation.
Just know that I am here too and I really do feel your pain....
I am continually amazed at how “Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde” operate. They are two totally different people…Mr. Mean at home and Mr. Nice Guy outside the home. It’s so hard to try and tell anyone how they really are, they are so nice, caring, and giving to everyone but the one they say they love. On the rare occasion they slip up and let the real person come out, they are so good at covering it up, that the outsider never catches on. I’m having a hard time understanding how deluded they must be. What makes a person this way???
I visited Naples last August. While there my Narcissist found out. He had just gotten back from Tennessee where he visited the girlfriend before me. She’s very deep into this guy. If anything happens to her, she will leave her cabin and land in northern Fl. to him. He couldn’t get over how she was “clinging” to him. After seeing him a couple of times, he made the remark that if she found out that I was seeing him “she’d die”. I knew at that moment that he was trying to manipulate me. He was once again trying to use me. He kept pushing the point. He had often used her to get back at other people that he hated. She became the most hated person where he worked and lived. He got her to do all his dirty work. I wanted no part of it. I knew better. So the last day I was there, I ignored all his calls. With each call his voice got more and more angrier. He never changes. They never do , no matter how old they get.
Mamolie— I got on this group several years ago after my encounter with a Narcissist. I was in a million pieces. And there you were. What’s bothering me is that you don’t seem any better. I don’t understand that at all. You seemed to be able to give so much help to everyone at that time. My God woman, isn’t it about time that you start to fix you? There’s a saying, “life is brief, time is a theif”. Stop thinking about what the children or friends think or say or feel about him or you. GET A DIVORCE! My ex husband wasn’t a Narcissist but we were married for 34 years. I didn’t think that I could get out of the marriage. I was scared, but I did. And you can do it too. You don’t need anyones permission. MOVE ON WITH WHATS LEFT OF YOUR LIFE. Stop putting it off. You are stronger than you think. Believe me there is a life after marriage. Your kids will come around. But things won’t change until you make it. Again, if I could do it , so can you.
Even tho I am empathic to Mamolie, Victim is right. Its time to quit caring what they all think. Take control of YOUR life and move on. I, as well, was on a site and remember Mamolie. And, Yes , she still seems “stuck” in why land. Move on and take care of YOU and he will take quite good care of him. Trust us…
this place is so messed up now, could not even get back on as mamolie.
This site was brand new and no one was even here for months, when I was waking up to NPD and asked this question way back in 2007, only know the date from a post of Sam's, so you guys have gone back in time not me.
Nothing is dated or organized here any more.
Glad to hear you ,victim and cricket are doing great. I am doing ok now too. I too would help any one who needs help so they don't waste precious seconds of their life on a hopeless cause. hugs Mamolie