I need to stop being in love with my N

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I am very sad and heartbroken because I thought I had found the person I was supposed to be with. It was the first time in my life I ever felt truly connected to someone so fast.

The scary part of this story is that my N’s traits started coming out RIGHT AWAY. I had been with him for 2 months LONG DISTANCE when I read Sam V’s book and felt like he had witnessed my relationship. I don’t know my N well enough (5 months now) but we would spend weekends together and he would be so wonderful and great and then slowly he would turn into this person who was so mean to me and emotionally abusive and said hurtful things. But then he’d act like nothing was wrong and went back to being his wonderful self.

His whole MO was to not rely on anyone for anything, people couldn’t be trusted, he hated his family, hated his “psycho/emotionally needy” exes, he doesn’t know how he is supposed to feel when someone dies, he would go from being this moral authority to someone who would declare himself as selfish and be proud of it!

He had a morbid sense of humor…a few things added up that felt like red flags…like one time he asked me what i would do if he hit me over the head with a frying pan he was holding. one time he jokingly put a pillow over my face for a second…

He could get angry and closed off and could be loving and warm, I just didn’t know when to expect Jekyll or Hyde because they were so interchangeable.

He has an amazing side: His charity work, he is so smart and funny and really when he is great he has the best personality out of anyone i have ever met.

Again, I was only with him in total for 2 months and it was long distance and now he lives all the way across the country and dropped me like a hot potato for about 6 weeks but recently has resurfaced again like nothing ever happened and wants me to jump on a plane and visit him.

My friends, family: They all hate him, think i should never talk to him again and are concerned for my well being. All I want is to get over him, to not miss him, to stop ADMIRING him. I think part of me is in denial…like I think his good side is really who HE is and maybe one day he can change, he’s still young…there is still hope?

It’s like he has some kind of hold on me and it’s frustrating me so much because I know I deserve better but I’d rather be with him than anyone else.

Thanks for listening.

#2

please listen to your family and friends, if you read Sam’s book, he can’t be fixed, they don’t know or think anything is wrong with them. Belive me if love and compassion could cure one, mine should have been cured 20 years ago. I had what is called magical thinking, I will find the right words and get through to him, no one would want to be like him, we will find out what happened to him and then we will be ok. I look back and wonder what was it I loved so much about mine, he treated me terrible, I guess the hook, is the crumbs of kindness, that you get, you think you will end up with that one, if you try hard enough to please them, and that you can never do, they have the serious problems not you. Write down all the mean and terrible things he has said and done to you, then when you think about seeing him, read it over and over, your life with him will be nothing but torture, they are not capable of loving or caring for any one but themselves. keep the warning signs in you head, seems like there are more out there, you need to run as fast as you can and as far away from people like this, they can only bring pain and suffering into your life, never Love they can’t love or feel. You can’t change or fix him, ever. If you have weak moments, I can tell you what your life will be like, 41 years of stories and pain, you don’t want to live it. I can’t figure out yet how they get into your head and get such a hold on you, it is amazing how they do that. Hugs mamolie

#3

I think we can all say that when the narcissist is great he’s amazing. Mine was an excellent cook, funny, intelligent, effectionate, entertaining. Everyone loves him at first. I can even say he’s giving, though I think his giving is about winning freinds. Then one day he invited me out for dinner with his friends (2 guys). I had a couple glasses of wine and became a little touchy feely with him, I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the check and rubbed his thigh. Later when we got home he tore me up. I embarrassed him! His friends are single and I made them feel uncomfortable! How dare I treat him that way!!! I was confused. I have my share of dates. I’ve had my share of wine with dates. And no MAN has ever been upset because I showed him affection under the influence. I remember apologizing and feeling bad about it. A narcissist will always make you feel like this. There could be nothing wrong and they will FIND something wrong. Take Mamolie’s advice and run for the hills. You won’t be the same if you continue a relationship with this person. You don’t even need to officially cut it off. Change you number, don’t take his phone calls. Because sometimes when you talk to them they manipulate and pull you back in.

#4

I swear this story is so much like mine! Beanie when its good it doesn’t get any better and when its bad it is the worst. The feeling of love you have is real but the hold he has you give him. I still “love” my NPD guy but when I start to miss him-the good him-i just go back and start reading all the stories so similar to mine and remember I never loved the real him I loved the ideal man he pretended to be. I once asked a counselor since he is seemingly two different people which one is the real him the good guy or the bad? Without hesitation she answered the bad. We our all on our best behavior in the beginning but that soon fades and the real us emerges. Remember every bad thing he has said to you, about you. Remember every bad way he has made you feel and know that to be with him means all those things on a regular basis.

Reconnecting on a friendship level opens the door to the relationship restarting. The cycle repeating…I know been down that road with this guy myself. Now besides reminding myself of what could have been my life in a few years had I stayed or reconnected by reading others horror stories I also ended my friendships with mutual friends, moved over 2000 miles away, blocked him from my email and changed my numbers. O contact is a must. It won’t be easy but it will be a lot easier then getting back into a relationship with this guy.

#5

femat40 You are truely an amazing woman, you are a survivor and and an example of how we can be beat down, but they can not kill our spirt. We think our experience is unique, and we blame ourselves and believe that we had something to do with what has happened to us. How could we possibly know there are people who can not feel like other human beings? This site and another has saved the little sanity I had left. Reading your life some times written word for word by a stranger is sad that anyone one else had to live it, but validates all those feeling you have , this is what happenes to anyone who comes in contact with a narcissists, it was and is not you. Recognizing that gets you on the road to recovery, which we can’t do when we keep thinking there is something wrong with us. I wish you well on your journey, it will be a little easier, now that you know people like this exist. Hugs mamolie