I think I'm at rock bottom

Depression
#1

Hey all,
You’ve probably noticed my absense… I’ve been supposedly busy packing to move to my new house.

Truth is - I haven’t done shit. I sit in my recliner and don’t move for most of the day unless I absolutely have to. My husband has done just about every single thing. Litterally, everything. I don’t say a word about how he’s doing anything, since I have no right… after all, I should be doing it myself.

But, I just don’t care. About anything… my new house, my husband, my life. Nothing. Well, I care that my kids are going to turn out fucked up because of me and the way I am. It’s inevitable, isn’t it?

I have this beautiful new house that has been the most stressful journey getting to. It’s still not actually ours yet… the closing is on the 30th. The house should be all packed but it’s not. It’s always a disgusting mess too. The kids trash the house and I don’t care. As long as I have Pepsi and cigerettes… that’s my only concern.

I think my husband may be cheating too. Who could blame him though? We sleep in the same bed but we never touch. The only time he touches me is to give me the obligatory kiss goodbye before he goes to work.
No hugs, no other kisses… nothing. I can’t remember the last time we’ve made love… 6 months??? 8 maybe?

A while ago, I asked him to help me with something. Remember when I first got here and I was Sue Who??? Well, i asked him to help me find sue. i asked him to write me a letter reminding me why he fell in love with me. I asked him to tell me the things about me that were good. Well, that was too hard for him. he ignored my request… like I never asked.

So I have no idea why he’s with me. NONE. He’s happies when he’s leaving. To work… to the gym. I don’t know if he’s getting his “Male satisfaction” somewhere else or not.

HOW CAN I GET BACK TO CARING ABOUT MY LIFE??? HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF WANT TO DO THE THINGS I SHOULD WANT TO DO.

I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT DIFFERENT. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE MYSELF GET OFF MY ASS AND DO THINGS.

IS THIS THE BOTTOM?

#2

Sue,
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I have had the cheating spouse, the best thing for me was to just confront it. As far as being bottom I think everones is diffrent. Work on getting you better it may be time to email the doc again. I am here if you need me. Love ya much.

Kel

#3

hi sue i feel for you. i felt that way too a few years ago when we moved into our house. it is our first home. i was scared ,panicky, wanted to find a hole and crawl into it. my kids are older than yours young adults but am always worried they are going to catch this feelings of depression, anxiety, whatever i have. but they haven’t yet and if they do get depressed they know who to come to. make a game of it with your kids to help pack, have them grab a bag and put stuff animals in it and tie it with a special colored ribbin they like each one has a different color. then when you get to the new house put a colored paper of their ribbon on their bedroom door and then they know which room it goes to and they can take it their. do it with some of your stuff also. put color paper on the boxes then in your new home where you want them. put numbers on them 1to whatever one opening now others later. there is also another site that is good to go on called flylady.net she helps you clean a little at a time just look at the site you might like it it helped me alot. i was very much like those people you see on tv on clean sweep but i am alot better now. because of that site and here give it a try i have faith in you. i am here to listen write me any time. i know i am older than you but i have been there. much luck to you and big big (((((((hugs)))))) to you love ya racy

#4

Sue, i’m so sorry for you! I understand how frustrated you feel right now. Things are extremely stressful for you…busy…and overwhelming…you’re life is changing.

I wish I could be there to help you…picture me trying to pack this whole house by myself…and then picture me driving that big uhaul for 8 hours…funny pic huh??? (and where do i put the kids??? )

things will get better…things will be less stressful for you and phil and the kids after the move and everyone gets settled in…

keep your head up…i’ll pm you…we’ll chat more!

#5

SUE, I AM SORRY TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH SUCH HARD TIMES. I THINK EVERYONE AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER HAS HIT ROCK BOTTOM, OR HAS FELT THAT THEY HAD. FIRST THINGS FIRST. STOP BEATTING YOUR SELF UP. IT IS NOT HELPING THE SITUATION AT ALL. YOU ARE A NICE PERSON WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE DEPRESSED. MOVING INTO A NEW HOUSE IS STRESSFUL AND WE ALL DEAL WITH IT STRESS DIFFERENTLY. NO ONE WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY. MAYBE IF YOU WROTE HOW YOU WERE FEELING IN YOUR JOURNAL YOU WOULD FEEL BETTER OR LESS GUILTY. JOURNALS ARE GOOD WAYS OF UNEARTHING TRUE FEELINGS. WHEN I GET OVERWHELMED I ALWAYS TRY TO FIGHT IT. I KNOW EASIER SAID THAN DONE. BUT I WAS ONCE AFRAID OF GOING OUT OF THE HOUSE. I GOT TO THE POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I WAS TIRED OF HIDING AND BEING SCARED. SO I WAS DETEERMINED TO FIGHT. I STARTED OUT SLOW. I WOULD TAKE A WALK OUTSIDE FOR ABOUT 2 MIN.S AND GRADUALLY BUILT IT UP TO AN HOUR. IT TOOK HARD WORK AND DETERMINATION BUT I DID IT. MAYBE YOU COULD ALSO DO IT. PACK ONE BOX, JUST ONE BOX FOR THE DAY. NOTHING MORE. THE NEXT DAY MAKE SURE YOU DO A LITTLE MORE. IT DOES WORK AND IT HELPS BUILD CONFIDENCE. GOOD LUCK, MY FRIEND. I HOPE I WAS SOMEWHAT OF A HELP

#6

Sue, darlin, its that ugly monster rearing its ugly head! Again! Damn this thing! hun all I can say is …hang in there, I am here too for you.

Clover

#7

Hi Sue…Its gettin late for me and I dont think all my brain cells are in gear today cos Im way tired but I just wanted to give you a quick response.

First of all…MOVING…listed as the third most stressful life event, right after death and divorce. So…tack onto that a few other mitigating factors like ah…depression, living with chronic pain and marital discord and yeah…quite a nasty combination really.

Stop beating up on yourself, stop thinking so much and just do something! Like grab one box and start packing…then give yourself a pat on the back and pack some more. Even doing a little bit is going to make you feel a lot better than drowning in helplessness.

You have every right to feel overwhelmed by it all…you have a helluva lot on your plate right now…but if you just focus on one thing that you can deal with, maybe you will have a bit of extra juice to deal with more tomorrow…and the next day

Thinkin of you
xx

#8

SUE, JUST REMEMBER THE THINGS I WROTE YOU. YOU ARE A SUPERSTAR IN MY BOOK. YOU KNOW I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU…SAMMI

#9

Sue-
Just wanted to ask you if you have looked into your feelings. Do you think that you maybe feeling this because you are just waiting for something to go wrong? (i get ultra depressed in the times that i should be uber happy) It’s almost like you expect something to go wrong. When it doesn’t, it almost pisses you off. that is how i react to things anyways.
If, in fact, this is rock bottom for you, the only way for you to go is up. Good luck in that journey as i know that it can be just as hard to climb back up sometimes. The strength is there!
Hope that you feel better soon.
Bubs

#10

Thankfully, it’s not the bottom. But it’s close enough. What “should” you do? Why should you want to do anything? This new home has been a high-tension struggle for you, and you still have not secured it. It appears that you have an emotionally empty relationship with your husband. I suspect that the kids are making a mess, and just walking away from it. You are dealing with chronic pain. Over all, it seems that your life is pretty bleak.

But your life is not at rock bottom. If it were, you would not have written to this board. Even though they may appear ungrateful, you still love your children. You still care about your husband; otherwise you would be indifferent to the absence of affection. What’s the big deal about a new house? Will relocating change anything?

If you put down your cigarette and Pepsi, and approach any chore, or try to do any packing, can you anticipate any good feelings as a result of your actions? When is the last time you have taken on any project, and felt that you performed up to your own standards? When is the last time anyone has given you encouragement or praise?

The good thing about being at or close to the “bottom,” is that you can begin looking up; in large part because that is the only direction you can do so. Imagine a room filled with priceless art, vast stores of knowledge, and images of all things beautiful, and in the middle of it all, the most gorgeous, multifaceted jewel known to humanity. Now, turn the lights off in this room. What do you see? If you try to navigate this room in the darkness, you may stumble and hurt yourself by the very things that could give you pleasure. This room full of beauty can be likened to the person you are inside. Depression makes the light disappear, and although you continue to be filled exquisite beauty, knowledge, and have the brightest, and most precious jewel known to humanity, which is the ability to express and feel Love, you can see none of it.

You don’t need anyone’s approval. You need not concern yourself about what you “should” do. Self-recrimination or guilt is inappropriate and a waste of time. Depression is a shroud, which obscures the reality of your true worth and beauty. You have loved unconditionally, and in the face of rejection, continued to love. You have cared for and nurtured your children, as well as others. That bright jewel of Love that exists within you is connected to the Divine, therefore it cannot be extinguished. It has been written, unreciprocated love will flow back to you, and will soften and purify your heart. That’s because one aspect of Love IS forgiveness of self and others. Allow the Love in your heart to counsel your thoughts.

Instead of thinking about what you should do, take a walk, or a bath, or fly a kite, or anything that will liberate your mind from repeating patterns of despair. Start each day with a prayer. Visualize good things happening in your life. If the horse bucks you off, get back in the saddle. Get back in the saddle every time it happens. Eventually, you’ll find yourself in the saddle most of the time.

Hugs, Aaron

#11

Sue,
I’m sorry your feeling so badly. You have some great people here rooting for you with some great words of wisdom.

  • When you are feeling immobile, frozen - unable to move or pack-function, it sometimes appears in your mind as simply being depressed about everything. However, when we are under stress, we sometimes overlook it, because to look at why we are stressed, brings on more anxiety and fear - probably about the future. It is like a meery - go round that we can’t get off so we just stay or going around and around.

Our thoughts also go around & around “What will happen in the next house - it is supposed to make everything so great - but will a new house make me happy - are my kids okay - will things be better between me and my husband just because we have a new house”

Those kinds of thoughts can make us want to get to the “bottom” of things and question why we are making a big move at all.

I have felt it - not wanting to go one way or the other for fear of making the wrong move - so you just stop. The act of packing is preparing to move. I’m sure you want to move and you originally wanted to move but there is always a question when moving out of one’s “comfort zone” . Your subconscious may be having these questions without you even realizing it - so it is kind of putting you into slow motion. If you really have a handle on what you are questioning and you are stopped because of it - it has been called analysis paralysis.

Try to focus on what you will enjoy in the house - one particular room, or the yard or the town. Don’t think of the whole move all at once. That can be too overwhelming. And you are moving in the summer so no switching schools for the kids in the middle of the year (maybe you are in the same town anyway). The move and the house must have appealed to you at one point.

Remember not to take on “the whole move” in your head all at once. You still have 30 days. Go slowly if you need to and figure out what the most important things to pack are (that you can pack early). Obviously, you have to live in your current home for 30 days still so you can’t pack everything yet. that is also usualy a dilemma - what can I and should i pack first?

A lotof people throw out things when they are moving so as not to have to move too much. If you are trying to do some cleaning out that way at the same time - ask yourself - “is this important to me 7 will I miss it”? If you can say no to both of those questions, toss it - get rid of some extra baggage. that will feel good too - less weighing you down and cluttering thinigs up - (as well as cluttering up your head)

Sue - i know you helped me back quite a while ago with some posts you put out there and some private messages. You are a good person and I thank you for that. You have a lot to offer. It is sometimes so hard to see that when we are feeling overwhelmed.

You are a great person. I can feel it just simply when I read your posts. Be easy on your self. Before, you do anything at all, allow your self to go slow and try and remember what it is that is good that you are doing for your whole family about this move. Breathe it in. Take deep long slow breaths and really believe it. Do this in quiet time and place and allow it to emmanate with you.

xoxo, Pam

#12

Sue, I’ve been there, done that and could swear I was on rock bottom. I even told my hubby I would be better off dead than to stay in a constant cycle of ups and mostly downs. I talked to my pdoc about what was going through my mind and how I was feeling all the time. My body hurt all over to the point of feeling I had the flu all the time - it even hurt to walk, my stomach was in turmoil, I felt guilty for not having the energy or desire to clean the house, cook and take daily showers - sometimes not even getting out of my pj’s all day. I also felt my hubby was cheating on me and was sorry he married me. It wasn’t all true…it was a result of my depression, anxiety, insomnia and bipolar disorder.

My pdoc kept adjusting my meds monthly until he got the right mix for me. Finally, no more pain pills for the aches and pains, no more stomach upsets, no more feeling sorry for myself and those who had to endure my chronic negativity about everything and everyone. The meds made a TOTAL difference and now I’m out working in my garden again, cleaning the house, cooking, socializing and not having panic attacks and anxiety issues.

I suggest you ask your doctor for some new meds, and you’ll need less pain meds. Depression hurts (literally) ALL OVER. I learned through psychotherapy that my guilty feelings were really pented up anger and some ways to stop harmful thoughts. Have you tried psychotherapy along with head meds? Perhaps it’s time. Good luck … be sure to see a good psych doc who will take interest in helping you.

#13

These days I’m feeling robotic. I get up and go sit in front of the tv… only WHEN I HAVE TO do I get up and do something.

I’m trying to get through the next few days and this move. Once I do this I’m going to go see a shrink. Hopefully he will get me on some medication that will allow me to have feelings again…instead of just this blahness…

Once in the new house i’m going to FORCE myself to do things a little differently… NEW HOUSE, NEW START… that’s how i"m trying to see things. I’m going to force myself to take a shower and get dressed everyday… and i’m going to force myself to spend sometime outside in the sun shine…

Those are my first two steps to trying to change. Hopefully I will be able to force myself to do these things… because in the recent past, I haven’t been able to force anything.

Wish me luck… and thank you for everyones great advice and words. I really do appreciate everything everyone is saying.