I'd like to vent please

Depression
#1

Thank you in advance for listening…

My mom is currently in a physical therapy rehab facility due to a series of strokes, 2 major and a series of mini ones. No one knows for sure how many mini ones she has had.She can talk without much slurring, which is a big improvement.

To back up a bit: She graduated in February to an assisted living apartment.Hubby and his best friend moved her in, and my friend and I straightened up her apartment for her. I bought most of her things out of my own pocket except for her furniture.She got 3 meals a day and a snack, all her laundry done, and staff was in the building 24/7 in case she needed anything.They even handed out meds to the residents.

Well,Mom didn’t like the rules, which mainly was to go down to the dining room on time for meals and keep her apartment straightened up.Someone was in once a week to do light housekeeping, and she was given a shower 4 times a week.For the first few months,I was at her beck and call-my fault I know.My visits dwindled to once every week and a half to 2 weeks, because frankly I couldn’t take her demands.I called her a few times a week to make sure she was ok and stuff.I kept in touch with Donna ,the head of nursing, who my mom despises.My mom decided to fake 3 falls-yes they WERE faked and they pretty much have proof.We all think she’s trying to get back in the nursing home because she was pampered there and waited on hand and foot. See, all the nurses loved her and would give her special treatment.

Now she called me a few days ago from rehab(she got my machine),demanding some clothes from her apartment and some candy.I just called her a little while ago.I haven’t been to see her since she went to the rehab center.I needed some time to cool off, and then I explained to her that I was sick with a cold all this past week.

She stayed on the phone about a minute and a half saying she had to go to the bathroom.Do I believe her?Maybe.

I’m just feeling used and taken for granted right now. She again demanded some clothes and candy.I don’t have money to put gas in my car, let alone trudge to her place and go to store for her.She really doesn’t care.I could walk to the place to see her if I had to, but why should I when I’m going to have demands put on me that in the long run are going to make me feel useless and guilty.She started to get some counseling since the nurse Donna thinks my mom has some psych issues, but her insurance wouldn’t cover it,I couldn’t pay the $27.00 co-payments myself, and then she went into rehab.I can’t even talk to the nurses about my mom’s care-they need her permission and she keeps avoiding the subject.I have power of attorney over medical, but I was told that’s it’s only if she’s mentally incapacitated. UGH!!!

At least today we’re actually going out as a family,using hubby’s car which has gas-lol.This is a rare thing for us.I’m going to have a good time and try and put these negative feelings behind me.

My gods I wrote a book.I’m sorry for that,and I thank you all for listening and caring about my feelings.

Huggs and thanks again,
Cleta

#2

gosh, you’ve got a lot on your plate…she’s lucky having a caring daughter like you. do you get on well with her husband, can you discuss these things with him? it sounds like you could do with some more support. HUGS xx

#3

it is hard as parents age they go from caring for us to us caring for them been there still am there really

#4

Our aging parents are hard for us as children to face and deal with. The roles are reversed but how hard it is on them to surrender their roles as leader and nurturer to the children that once were so incapable and small and in need of their care.
I can relate to you so easily.
My Mom is in dementia and you just don’t know one day to the next how she will respond. Hugs to you for all you do for your Mom and for remembering YOU need care too.

#5

Hi Yellow,

My step-dad passed away in 2005.After he died is when she went
downhill,shirking her responsibilities including blowing off her job and having her
water,power and phone shut off.The firemen actually had to bust the door open on
one ocassion and break a window in another to get into the house to take her to
the hospital.The thing is,she’s been cared for all her life,first with my
biological father(he left when I was 7),then my step-dad.She doesn’t seem to
realize that I can’t/won’t perpetuate the cycle.I’m not the doormat that I was
just a few months ago,and slowly but surely I’m starting to grow a backbone.

Another thing is,she doesn’t care about who she’s hurting,whose toes she’s
stepping on.To get her own way she’ll lie like a rug,then lie even more when
she’s caught.The assisted living people saw through her within about 3
months.It’s gotten so that my kids don’t want to see her because she’ll talk to them
for about 10 minutes theen ignore them and watch her tv for the rest of the
time.All of us are sick of busting our butts for her.I can’t do it anymore.
Another thing that was brought to my attention is that she’s making
inappropriate sexual comments to staff,including male physical therapists.I can’t
really control that,but the lady at the rehab wanted to make me aware of it.What
the hell am I supposed to do about it-take away her dessert?Give her an
earlier bedtime?Ugh.

As for home,there’s not really much support.Hubby is wrapped up in work and
other things.My kids are 12 and 15,and I can talk to them but it’s not the
same as an adult obviously.My mom was an only child,as I was,and family is out
of the question.My mom’s mom has Alzheimer’s and I’m keeping an eye on her
too.I know it sounds like a lot,but I’ve learned to take it all in stride.It’s
not worth making myself sick when I can’t really change the situation.

If there’s anyone else that can give me advice on aging parents or would
like to share stories,please feel free.I’m almost to the point of blowing her
off for a long while just to keep my sanity.

Thanks everyone for the warm wishes and the support.I’m glad and very
thankful I have my CP family here for me.

Huggs and cocoa(another chilly night here!!),
Cleta

#6

It is probably also her demensia that is helping along her behavior start by talking to your mom about this respectfully and try to understand set some ground rules but take some time by your self but try to be there as much as you can for her key word as much as you can

#7

I feel for you, I am sure that it is hard with your problems and two kids. This is your mother that you are talking about and she did take care of you and raise you, though. She has had a series of strokes and has some mental health issues and apparently needs your help. I will pray that you have the strength and patience that it takes for you to tend to your mother’s needs. We never know how long we will have our parents or other loved ones with us. I am grateful that my mom is relatively healthy and is still with us and thank God every day.

#8

hi cleta, oh i see…your mother’s husband passed away…i misunderstood you. maybe changing how you deal with this will help…being a little firmer with her…do you think? a lot of women around that age have been used to being looked after by their men, i know that my mum, for one, will have a lot of problems with dealing with the admin and decision making side of things if my dad were to go first… it must be very difficult for you seeing your mom like this - and the burden of looking after everyone else. are you able to take time off for yourself sometimes? maybe get the children to help round the house? do something for * you * ? us women often neglect ourselves in looking after everyone else. but YOU are very important too… anyway, good for you for standing up for yourself…turning your life around is not easy! : )

#9

Cleta, I understand where you are coming from.
The worse day of my life was when my mother died. She was sick for a few years but never bedridden. I had two sisters and a brother to help me. Even when my mother felt very bad, she was very kind and sweet. Her death came sudden. It changed our life forever.
I am sorry you are going through this. I too, will pray for you.
For God to help you be strong through these difficult times.

#10

Cleta-God, I so understand! Caring for my parents is the hardest thing I have ever done. I worked in nursing homes for five years and loved every minute of it, even the times that broke my heart but now that it is my own parents it is a whole new ballgame. I get so frustrated and it seems like nothing is ever quite good enough and it makes me crazy!!! But then I feel guilty and think what a bad daughter I am to get aggravated…but you know what? We have the right. This is one thing I have been really working on very hard and I am certainly far from mastering it, but we are only human…We are allowed to get frustrated and aggravated, especially when our parents are being unreasonable. It doesn’t make us “bad” daughters…it makes us human beings doing the best we can…

#11

Cleta,

Hugs to you, hon…I understand what you’re going through. I was a part-time care-giver for my mom (who had Alzheimer’s) and now my dad, after my mom passed away. My dad is not at all demanding, but he’s just lonely and sad all the time. So if I say that I’m not going to be able to come for dinner, or something, he just looks very sad and lost. Then I feel so guilty for having a life of my own.

All I can suggest to you is…Does the assisted living place have any kind of socializing activities? Maybe your mom would be less demanding to you if she had things to do…Play cards with other residents there, etc. I finally got my dad involved in some senior activities, with other seniors, and it seems to have really perked him up and made him less dependent upon me.

As others have said here, remember what a good and caring daughter you’ve been/continue to be! You deserve to have a life of your own, too…You can’t be at your mom’s beck and call. Don’t feel bad about that.

Hugs to you!

#12

Seems like your moms attention span lasts for only a short while. So utilize that to your advantage. Sometimes small doses is better than a fustrating long one. You can only do what you can do . It’s not due to lack of care but its a matter of just being practical. And DO NOT take on any guilt trip for not doing more. Place her in Gods hand , what you can’t do He surly can…

#13

Thank you so much to all who posted to me.I felt more love and support than
I have felt in a long time.Right now with my world so upside down,with my
marriage,my family,my mental health,trying to keep the balance is so hard.I now
have three special friends for support that I never had before which is
great.I heard in a movie once(my fave movie,The Dark Knight)that it’s always
darkest before the dawn.I totally believe in that.Right now I feel like I’m in a
black hole,but I know there’s a light at the end,because I have been to that
light.It’s a struggle but I know I can do it.A big thing going on is that I
haven’t had any self-harm issues which is a big step for me.Also I’m realizing
that I shouuldn’t feel guilty,and little by little I’m getting stronger.I
also told someone off the other day,and the last words I said were’I’m not as
stupid as I look,and I’m not as weak as you think I am.'Very liberating for me
and a huge step in my life.

Ok,I’m done for now-lol.I hope I wasn’t just rambling,although it made me
feel much better.

As always, thank you for listening.

Love and Huggs to allllll my friends,
Cleta

#14

Cleta,

It’s not easy taking care of someone with dementia in any stage. It’s extremely frustrating!! I take care of my father in law, who’s 82. He has early stages of dementia, there are times when he gets angry, argumentative, etc. I walk away at those times, like your mom, he has a very short attention span. Usually, i just try and change the subject, make a joke, get him laughing, or something like that, and he changes and forgets about it. Not always though, but usually. It takes it’s toll, and it’s not easy to deal with. He also refuses to take medication for it, refuses help w his medications, and refuses to admit he has dementia and blows up and the mention of it. So we just have to do the best we can, and the best thing you can try to do is just walk away when you get frustrated. Try to turn her attention to something else if you can, that works well for me. I feel for you, because with having everything else to deal with, sometimes it is just too much. But I find that humor works extremely well in my situation, and for that I am thankful, at least so far!!! Good luck with it, it’s a continual battle! Just remember there are quite a few of us here at CP that are dealing with older parents with dementia that do completely understand!

Also, those nurses at the home must understand that your mother has dementia and her making sexual suggetions to some of her male therapists and stuff, that is pretty normal for older people that are senile, have dementia, have had strokes, etc. I know my father changed dramatically after several strokes in that way. It was very embarrassing to me and completely out of character to him and I didn’t understand, but I did after I did some research on it and understood how strokes and things affected different parts of the brain.

Hugs to you ~ Bon

#15

Ego centerism is part of the Alzheimer's decline for many folks.  How her behavior affects you isn't even on her radar screen.  She can only sense or act on her own needs.  If you remember, before our children learned to ask nicely, they tried demanding stuff from us.  When people invariably respond to her demands, the behavior is rewarded. 

Another problem is that once a patient is considered to be an attention seeker, staff will actually spend less time with her/him than others, sometimes to the point of neglect. 

For many caregivers, it's not only the unreasonable demands, but also the implication that the patient's needs are more important or urgent than those of the person providing the care. 

Caregivers are often offended by patients who bully them around through the use of "emotional blackmail," such as guilt or dramatic expressions of anguish.  It's hard to feel respected when being pushed around or manipulated. 

In nursing, "The family is the patient," is the concept most often used with Alzheimer's victims and their families.  Besides the troubling decline witnessed, and the caregiving challenges, the patient usually knows how to "push the buttons" of the caregiver.

It might be helpful to go out in the backyard and screeeeeeeeam once in a while!

Consider that as she declines in function, perhaps her method of trying to find reassurance that she still has some control of her life, is this bad behavior. 

Absolutely, above all, don't take her stuff personally.  Don't be offended by her attitudes and behavior toward you.  She's not entitled to that much control of your emotions any more than a child would who's throwing a tantrum. 

The only way you can care for her effectively is to maintain your own physical and emotional well being.  Don't try to do more than is reasonable for her.  She may actually calm down a bit once she's convinced that you won't be manipulated, but will care for her anyway. 

It's still possible for delightful and precious interactions to occur between the two of you, so be on the lookout for those opportunities. 

My prayers are with you,

Aaron

#16

Cleta,

Every time you feel that nudge of strength inside you, you are stronger. Way to go! You can do this. It’s hard, and it’s painful, but you’ll just get stronger by the day. & You just keep telling off anyone who needs to be told off…T

hat’s what Buffy would do. nod :slight_smile:

#17

It sounds like she’s going into Alzhiemers, or whatever, and it’s a horror for everyone involved. It’s also anyone with older parents probably has to deal with one way or another. There are no answers unless you do the Eskimo thing and put her on an ice flow and let her go to die. The only thing you can do is decide whether you’re going to be with her or not, and there will probably be a point where she doesn’t even know it’s you who is there. To me it’s one of the most horrible things a child can go through – watching a parent deteriorate, wanting to help, but not being able to.

#18

That’s true cheq. I watched my father waste away. It was awful. I wanted so badly to switch places with him. I felt I would have gladly died to spare the man that took care of all of us and was waithing for us to grow up and move away so he could begin to live out his dreams. He died at 49 years.

#19

That’s so sad, Olelady. I am so sorry. My dad left this earth at 44 years old. We were all devastated…he went quickly, though. I was so young; too young~~

#20

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all the warm posts.It’s nice to know I have friends here!! =)

I have been thinking that Mom is getting early dementia,either due to the
strokes or family history-her mother has Alzheimer’s.The nurses that I speak
with all say she’s sharp as a tack but I can see differences in her that if you
knew her you’d pick up.I’m done with trying to fight her,the nurses,etc to
get any answers or anything.It’s not worth my getting sick over.She was in the
middle of getting some psych work done and then she got sick.I talked to the
head of nursing at the assisted living facility last week and she said she
was going to try to see what was up at the rehabilitation center.I’ll have to
call her this week,along with dealing with everything else going on.Meh.

Thanks again for listening and the suggestions-I don’t know what I’d do
without you all.

Huggs and lots of chocolate,
Cleta