I'm Hurting

This paragraph has been on my mind lately:

He infiltrates her defenses, shatters her self-confidence, confuses her, demeans her. He invades her territory, abuses her confidence, exhausts her resources, hurts her loved ones, threatens her stability and security, involves her in his paranoid states of mind, frightens her out of her wits, withholds love and sex from her, prevents satisfaction and causes frustration, humiliates and insults her privately and in public, points out her shortcomings, criticizes her profusely and in a “scientific and objective” manner. Very often, the narcissist acts sadistically in the guise of an enlightened interest in the welfare of his victim. He plays the psychiatrist, he acts the guru to her need of guidance or the father figure, the teacher, the old and the experienced. All this in order to weaken her defenses and to lay siege to her disintegrating nerves. IT CAN DRIVE ANYONE TO THE EDEGE OF THEIR SANITY.

I took out some of the words to get right to the point of what bothers me.

My Ex-N recently told me he loved me and wanted to try again. I really wasn’t sure about that. It was a 70/30 split. 70 against 30 try again. I guess that 30 can be powerful because I waited and tried to avoid the issue. So he comes to me and tells me he’s not ready and that he needs time to get himself together. I said OK, good luck, no problem. So we don’t speak for a week then he calls me yesterday to ask if I went out last night. I said no, why? Then he asks if there’s anything I want to tell him? No, why? Well that friend John who ratted him out called to ask if he was in the neighborhood last night. He said no and John hung up the phone. In his paranoia he wondered why would John do this, he deduced that I must be out on a date with John. I wouldn’t go out with John if he was the last man on earth. So naturally I was offended. Then he tells me I hope we can be friends and get a beer sometime. I told him I don’t know if I want to be his friend. I told him that I understand he needs to work on himself but I have some questions that need answering too. Like why would I stay with someone so long who disrespects and abuses me emotionally. Then he starts giving me advice on life and relationships and how I need to look within myself and answer those questions. I said no offense but the last person I want relationship advice from is you. I tried to talk with him about how I was feeling and he kept interrupting he would’nt listen. Said he couldn’t hear what I had to say and that he wanted to get off the phone. Then he says what’s the reason for this conversation am I trying to convince him to get back together with me. I said no I just need to talk. He said he wasn’t ready to listen. I said I always listen when you need to talk to me. We go back and forth a bit, then he says the thing that finally got me off the phone. “I don’t want to be with someone who is emotionally unstable”. WHAT I said! That was mean of you! How dare you, you’re really good at talking and very bad at listening. And I hung up the phone. I went home and cried. I know he said that just to hurt me and it hurt like hell. After I had a good cry and calmed down. I was glad that I didn’t go back and I remembered the paragraph above and decided to repost it and read it again.

That comment really bothered me especially given everything I’ve been through this year. I know it was said to hurt me. And it really does.

doublede
i am sorry that he has hurt you again and even sorrier that any of us are emotionally tortured in this way. i hear your pain and we all validate your feelings even if he will not or cannot. your are right, read this over and over again and rememeber that when he calls or wants contact it is not to make you feel good in any way. i know this is painful but if you can rememeber that he is only feeding his own needs by making sure he can draw you back in then maybe next time that 70/30 will be a 99/01! they are so good at throwing out hope only to twist they say around to amke you feel as if you are groveling. he called you! he wanted to contact you! do not give him the control. you know and he knows… still, i know it hurts. you are growing stronger and each time he hurts you it will add another layer of strength to your armor. each time will make the next time easier to say no. stay strong and grace to you for standing up for youself!
peace

He is manipulating you,he’s counting on you being the way you used to be.Now that you have figured him out and can see the game he loses control.You are seeing things clear,it’s not you it’s him.Of course he does’nt want to listen to you because he lacks empathy.It’s not about you to
him,it’s about him having control.Your’e ganna be fine, you are getting you back, doesn’t that feel good?N’s say things and do things out of crazy nowhere.You’ll be so much better without him-remember all the up and down bullshit and fliping everything around as if it’s you.You wont need to go through that any more.Stay strong honey. Mary

Just sent you two hugs!!! I would send more but figured you will get the point. :slight_smile:

Thinking about you!

I know… it makes you crazy and I want to scream and I have the same conversations but different subjects!

The part I hate the most is when I am told that I don’t try and that I don’t have empathy and I don’t know how to love or be in an adult relationship!

And then what’s worse when he says’s he can’t be that and then says I hope you find someone who can!

Have you read the book DANCE WITH ANGER? I read it 3 times in one week. Not cover to cover but to end that craziness!

DoubleDee, I know it hurts and we know that you are the caring emotionally stable one! Wish I could help you more…

just know he is a big poo!

You are the greatest!!!

Lots of hugs your way!

Thank you for quoting my work (though without attribution).

The paragraph and much more can be found here:

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq56.html

Sam

Sorry Sam I didn’t know that was your work. Thanks for posting the link.

Hope, Jacy & Mary, Thanks for all the love. I really needed it. I barely slept last night and at some point I stopped crying and started getting really angry. I told that coward what I was going through, I confided and he used it against me. I’m trying to avoid him and he managed to create drama out of nothing! I finally hit bottom with him after almost 4 years. I am initiaing the “NO CONTACT” rule. He’s dead to me. What kind of man takes your worst experience and turns it against you? He disgusts me. I will never speak with him again. He’s an evil subhuman succubus!

I am so proud of you for getting angry with him. I think that helps so much to put things into perspective. You sound like you are very strong and I really commend you for that. I hope you are feeling better and totally back in the drivers seat. They are so good at messing with the mind but it sounds like you are really understanding him and realizing how important it is to just get away and stay away. Good for you!!

Thanks Photomems, I do feel strong and very angry. And I should be. I read over some of my entries since I found careplace. I could see my growth and how I’m going in circles trying to be kind to my Ex-N. He has proven time and time again that I cannot show him kindness. Spiritually I try to come up to a higher level. Letting go and letting God takes practice and being new to the spiritual relm I loose sight of what’s important sometimes I loose my peace. Perhaps the best way to show him kindness is to stay as far away from him as possible.

So strong Double Dee.

I told my very good friend about what I am doing with my brother…I am at peace withhis pathology. I am indifferent to his snubbing. It is finally over. I will never win. And I don’t care to win. My dad I just feel for the man. He has had a rough road. And it has corrupted his thinking. It is like a rusted battery. But I have come to peace with it as well. They will never hurt me again. I will not let them and I think my dad knows that I have changed. I don’t think he knows why I have, but I think he knows that he can’t abuse me anymore. I won’t accept the abuse is a more clear way to describe it.

bup, good for you. Who cares if they understand or not. The changes you make are for you and you alone. If you want peace you must strive for it. My stepfather is an N with BPD and I never talk to him and neither do my siblings. They can’t stand him. Thank God I have no severe N’s in my immediate family. I can’t imagine what it’s like, but I’m certain you will find balance. You are well on your way.

Thank you DD…It has only taken me 39 years… : > }.
I am proud of myself too…