Is it POSSIBLE to hurt a narcissist?

Narcissistic personality disorder
#21

Where have I been striving to deny his humanity for so long? I don’t get this? I’ve never denied he was a person, and I always have said that I hope he has a good life, and is as happy as he can be. I’ve never called him evil or demonspawn or anything. I just know that the only way I can be happy and healthy is away from him.

He has a lot of problems. I know that. He even knows that. He often told me, “You’re lucky. You can get out of here. I can’t.” I have always said that I hope for the best for him. I’m not optimistic. But I do hope for the best for him. So how am I denying his humanity? I told everyone about his injury and stroke and how “to be fair”, this is why his impulse control is so messed up. I’m not hiding anything about how he is. I have always said I could see the lost little boy inside there. I have told him that I hope for the best for him.

I don’t get it. Do you only see what you want to see? All this time we have all been arguing back and forth because you thought I was denying him his humanity? I went through a period of grieving over that relationship, and I will not deny, for about four months I was not nice when describing him. But I knew all along the damage he had suffered, and I began to see him as a tornado. We don’t get mad at the tornado, we keep ourselves safe from that tornado. Its not the tornado’s fault. Its just what is. So I have never demonized him. I have always been honest about the damage he has done. But I have always said that he is a damaged person and I do not want bad things to happen to him.

wahela

#22

CZBZ, Sandahl and I , no longer give a fig for the abusers and their ways. We are trying to help the victims of abuse move forward and let all that crap go.

wahela

So you are a trio. I never would have guessed. And your “abuser” actually suffered from brain injury which underlay his behavior, and you are a nurse seeking to give compassion to others on the board, instead of those in your real life you claim to have loved? Or are you actually seeking the compassion and attention that he more appropriately merits?

I am curious why are you not in a support group for those experiencing traumatic brain damage in loved ones?

#23

lets call a man who plays the piano the pianoman!

but lets not call a narcissisic man narcissistic!

i would love to hear from diagnosed NPD’s, as i am sure all productive members here would. My god would we.

Nobody is demonising them.

i would agree that it is easy to label a person unfairly, that happens every day in every way, so get over it. but respect the fact that many of us DO know better than therapists who can not get close to people like my wonderful exH to work out what he’s about. Mamolie has been up close and personal for a lifetime!! She has been BY HER MAN, not in a one hour a week session. That deserves respect. too many of us identify only too well wor you to tell us we are ALL wrong (no matter how often you say it)

I dont see anyone complaining about this board and what gets discussed here except you, o and susiejo.

i cant put things in to words as well as many, and am sure i am not alone, but i wont just shut up and put up. there are peoplse out therer who want to post, and cant, because of what goes on here. i am here for my reasons, you are here for yours, but i do not wish to engage with you and i do not care to read your posts any longer.

please, if you are going somewhere with your nonNPD stuff, get there soon. Or do you want this forum just to cease as it is full of people like me, who RECOGNISE similarities in what has happened to us and have found people who understand, empathise and can offer support?

i am a bit pathetic and needy just now, facing fact that i did a frying pan fire job on myself but i have been stronger, and i will be again, I get sympathy and empathy here, people seem to know how it feels. thats good enough for me, but am not sure if you are seeking help/support or offering them. either way, this board is not about sam, who is as welcome as the next guy, tho gets slapped down when he gets too up there in peoples faces with links and links and such the like. Thats allowed, you do it all the time. And hence i dont feel in any way bad about telling you how i feel. I dont know whats eating you apart from sam V, and frankly am not sure i care.

dont mean to be horrible and do your worst in response. this is my final word to you.

#24

(shaking my head)

How long all this arguing, insulting, crap been going on here on this forum? And for what?

People not believing others, people outright calling overs “Liars”, sockpuppets. Saying, “You are lying. It is not this way.” Does any of this yelling get anything done? No, it doesn’t. There are a lot of people on this forum that believe only what they want to believe. They take nobody’s word as truth, unless its their own version of truth. I think there are a number of people here that have been disbelieving people for so long that they automatically assume everyone around them is just as bad as their past people. You take nothing at face value. Everything has a bad side, and you are not going to be hurt by believing anything.

I don’t care whether you all think I am lying, being a sockpuppet, denying someone’s humanity. You all can think what you want. I am amazed that so many people in one spot do not believe other’s words. It doesn’t change my world if you do not believe me. The only thing that matters is that I believe me, because it is my life, and my truth.

Get real.

wahela

#25

No, we are not a trio. We all speak for ourselves. I have known CZBZ and SAndahl for almost 5 years. I once went to CZBZ’s forum, we got into a heated discussion and I called her a Nazi (actually I said “spoken like a member of the Nazi party.” but ohwell). I hadn’t spoken to CZBZ in a few years. So we are definitely not a trio.

Sandahl, CZ and I go way back to when I was a hurtin’ unit, trying to find some sense in this world.

And Susiejo, for the record, if I stayed with the ex abuser, I would probably be dead by now. He was a violent abuser, a violent drinker and I kick myself in the azz every day that I saw that lost little boy inside there for so long I gave up myself to help him. Until I realized that my future looked exactly like my past and the past wasn’t all that good. Taking care of the ex abuser and two psychopath stepdaughters (diagnosed) is not my idea of fun or even living.

wahela

#26

Wahela, nickinstant and others,

because there is one overindulgent unit thats being very loud and very vocal in crying “liar” over and over ad nauseum, does not a group of disbelievers make. :slight_smile:

Trust that your stories, opinions, thoughts and feelings are believed by many members.

The sniping from a lone gunman in a clocktower will continue. I have no hope at all that she will ever get what she needs and feel satisfied. Its clearer to me everyday this is a life or death fight for her, with an insatiable urgency we have no hope of neutralizing. So please accept that there will be posts everyday that shout “liar”.

But the ongoing fighting is because people react to “liar”…and so the diatribe continues, gaining frenetic energy as it goes.

I like that this forum is open to differing viewpoints. Its why I am here and not on a Femfree board, although as each day goes by I’m gaining more and more understanding why she made the choice to enforce censorship .

This place doesnt have to be bedlam if we dont want it to. And I dont want it to. The sniper can post, and she will. And we can watch her posts like water flowing around us in a stream. Stand confident, its extremely easy for people to see sincerity, kindness, support, openmindedness where it is present.

Theres never any need to defend it.

Even if a gunman yells “liar”.

Who are people going to believe? The kind heart? or the crazed pole dancing chick in the clocktower???

lets go have a picnic in some other thread shall we?

#27

wahela

I never suggested you had obligation to stay with the man whether he abused you or not.

I rather question if you in fact are a nurse as you claimed, why you would be into NPD groups as opposed to TBI groups, and why you persist in calling him an “abuser” rather than TBI.

As a nurse, it seems you should comprehend that he had one of the worst things that could possibly happen to a human being in having his brain damaged and that underlay his behavior towards you. It seems you should also should have more awareness that his outbursts could have very possibly been much better managed with medications. That does not mean you should have continued with him but rather that you do not exploit his misfortune for your own emotional and personal gain. Which of you is the real victim, which of you is the real abuser?

So which one of the trio is the new member on the board calling herself Victim?

#28

Wahela said:

CZBZ, Sandahl and I , no longer give a fig for the abusers and their ways. We are trying to help the victims of abuse move forward and let all that crap go.

And that would be really nice if I could find one single reason to believe that was the truth, but I can’t.

Nickinstant said:

but lets not call a narcissisic man narcissistic!

Oh no, by all means call the genuinely Narcissistic man Narcissistic…just leave it at that and don’t can anybody ELSE “Narcissistic” just because you don’t like them.

Phoenix Said:

The kind heart?

Ok, I give up, WHO are you suggesting has one of those?

(BTW, last time I checked, “pole dancing” was a sport, not a pathology :o) )

GD

#29

Oh Jen…

That is SO awful for you…I don’t think it ever helps to dramatize things too much but I bet you could have lived as well without 5 years of false hope?

You sound really on top of things though (which says nothing about the bfeelings underneath) and ready to be as caring as you can possibly be.

I have heard, and do believe that people can heal from NPD, but not when it is caused by brain injury…all you can do you are already doing…

I just hope the poor sod gets something out of life now other than a steady down hill spiral that you can’t do a thing to prevent and certainly shouldn’t consider accompanying him on.

GD

#30

Wahela,

You ended up with a real mixed bag of goodies with the ex…both the closed head injury and the stroke are considered TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURIES. TBI often brings out NPD traits…and, skews them with its’ own brand of illogic and confusion.

TBI survivors, even those who DON’T end up with NPD, are often terribly difficult to deal with…add the mixed bag that is NPD, and it’s impossible.

How do I know? My ex is a TBI survivor who was diagnosed N post-accident. In his case, the brain injury CAUSED him to be NPD (and PPD)…I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it…and hope that this group can help me learn to negotiate with him, as we have young children, under the age of ten.
----- Original Message ----
From: wahela npd-cpt6701@lists.careplace.com
To: ukneeqstuff@yahoo.com
Sent: Saturday, November 10, 2007 10:46:16 AM
Subject: Re: [npd] Is it POSSIBLE to hurt a narcissist?

#31

Sh*te Jen…

That is a REALLY tough hand to be dealt, for all of you…

What are you doing so far, are you still with him or what?

How long ago did it happen?

Does PPD stand for Paranoid PD?

Sorry, that’s such a battery of questions but I am really staggered at what has happened to you and not too sure what else to say yet.
GD

#32

The accident was almost 7 years ago. The head injury wasn’t diagnosed until 2005…he had a myriad of internal injuries that had to be addressed first…his TBI is “MILD”…and according to his doctors, 80% of MTBIs are missed.

The TBI behaviors he exhibited were written off as side effects of the medication. I kept hoping that once he got off the meds, once he had one more surgery (he’s had 25 so far), he would be better…back to his old self…but it didn’t happen.

Then, in 2005, the TBI was diagnosed. (VERY LONG STORY). Once the TBI was in the picture, I knew we were over…so I began the long process of extracting myself. Then, this past spring, his behavior worsened, and the NPD/PPD (paranoid personality disorder) was diagnosed.

We cohabitate, but only for a few more months. There is no marriage. I tolerated much out of care and concern for him, but I know enough about Narcissism to know that I am unwilling to be manipulated THAT way, as well as all the manipulation that comes with TBI.

My knowledge of NPD is slim, my knowledge of TBI much more comprehensive. But what I DO know about NPD makes me determined to get as far away from him as possible.

The goal is to get him into an inpatient BEHAVIORAL TBI rehab after the first of the year. He had some medical issues that prevented it from happening this fall, so hopefully, January will be the time that I am free of him.

When he leaves, I am filing for divorce, and a restraining order. Then I’m done.

We do have young children, and I want them to have a healthy relationship with their father. This wasn’t his fault. I understand that it was an accident which resulted in mental illness, but…I’m not willing to destroy myself and my children for his sake.

If I can help him, I will. But that’s the limit.

----- Original Message ----
From: blitzen npd-cpt6701@lists.careplace.com
To: ukneeqstuff@yahoo.com
Sent: Sunday, November 11, 2007 12:28:11 AM
Subject: Re: [npd] Is it POSSIBLE to hurt a narcissist?

#33

"Is it possible to hurt a narcissist?"

Well, from my own experience with my own unhealthy narcissism, I'd have to say "Yes!" Though there is a distinct difference between a humbling and a humiliation that will be defended against by pathological defenses.

If we have the emotional resiliency and healthy-enough narcissism to tolerate insult, we'll end up with a much-needed humbling grounding us in the reality of our limitations. If we don't, if narcissistic defenses protect us from facing our limitations, we'll end up with an irresolvable humiliation. That's how I'd define it anyway based on the past few years.

"I hadn't spoken to CZBZ in a few years. So we are definitely not a trio." ~Wahela

I'm smiling ear-to-ear right now, Wahela! Little did any of us know how distruptive a shite-stirrer could be, be it an online relationship or face-to-face.

I'm so grateful we've been able to reconnect while allowing one another the dignity to maintain individual differences. I appreciate your friendship so very much since both you and Sandahl have seen me at my very worst. ha!

Hugs!

CZBZ

 

#34

life has been a lot like hell for six long years..now i realize it wasn't me, it was him...i tried hard to fit myself according to his needs for so long until lately when i realized his happiness lies in confusing me and putting me in anxious state that would quench his hunger for ego...i was sure that there was something wrong with him but i didnt know he is a diseased person and can not be cured and even if given a choice now i would not want to invest a single more minute on that worthless person...it is such a relief now...i had been longing for so long to breathe a minute of air without ever thinking of him n now i know how it feels...it feels great to b back n meet the old me...