Just saying hello

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

Just a quick hello to everyone in the group. My names Emma and I am completely new to all this. Like so many of you I am trying to find some support and answers that hopefully will help me understand NPD and give me some peace. It’s amazing how hearing and reading other peoples experiences can make you feel less alone.

Some of the articles and quotes I’ve read are like reading my own history - I can’t believe how predictable N’s are, then again it’s painful trying to accept that that’s who they really are. Even after reading all the evidence I am still trying to deny he has NPD. My situation was quite complicated but the effects on me have still been the same … basically pain that I never thought was possible.

I look foward to being a member of the group and will try and participate as much as possible.

Thank you

Emx

#2

Hi Emma, Glad you came here for support. It’s uncanny how our stories are all different and yet the same. This just reinforces the NPD issue. Stick around for awhile. You’ll learn lots.

Bup, isn’t it sad where N’s live? I may hurt sometimes but I’m so very glad to be me! So very blessed! And you are too. They are miserable people walking around in their miserable bodies with miserable lives. I couldn’t live like that.

#3

EM1 I am sorry you had to find your way here, your not alone and I hope we can all be of some help to you work through this. If you feel like a tornado went through your life and you are sifting through the rubble to find pieces of yourself, you have have experienced an N, no normal relationship causes so much damage and pain. We know how you feel. Hugs mamolie

#4

My N father just came to visit. First time I have seen him since May. He is trying I can tell. But conversation always turns around to him. Grandiosity gets the best of him. He can’t help it. He didn’t say anything critical or boastful to make me feel badly, but I was on my guard ready to protect myself.

On a scale from 1-10, it was a 5 visit. I am afraid of slipping back to old patterns though, but I won’t, I am promising myself that I won’t…

#5

Hi Emma and welcome. I read your story and it could have been MY story, especially the part about knowing that something was not quite right, but moving forward anyway (with an emotional void of sorts). These N’s are unpredictable with their moods, yet overall amazingly predictable when one steps back and looks at the big picture.

I was like you… single and feeling SO good about myself when I got involved and then left to feel like a shell of a person. I still see him, but we are moving farther and farther apart lately.

Take care and know that all of us here will support you in any way that we can.

Lucia

#6

Just thoughts of the day…

I think it is a chemistry reaction in the brain. My father has to “catch the biggest fish”…In every capacity…The mundane is beneath him and it is unacceptable to be mundane…My children are mundane, food is mundane, anything of feminine concern is mundane. He will only endow (in very generous ways) to those things that he may have a chance of “WINNING”.

He can “BOAST” about and be “THRILLED” about. Nothing else matters, REALLY… Although he could never admit to it… But it is SO TRUE… and my brother plays to it like a bow on a violin. Everything my father think is important in life, my brother follows and wants the accolades. I CAN NEVER WIN…And I have stopped trying to win…

#7

You are so right about them being miserable people in miserable bodies … I saw my xN a couple of weeks ago, by chance. I kept my head down so he didn’t see me. But it was like watching a zombie walk past from the living dead. I realised that he isn’t a person at all when there is noone there to perform to.

Bup, it is really sad about your father. I feel so sorry for any child who has a N parent. That was one of the devastasting blows I had to deal with when I left C. The thought of what would become of the children with such a controlling father. One example was when his daughter wanted to go crabbing with a friend and he said no because he was missing her too much and was lonely and wanted her to go home. Isn’t that really sad for a 7 year old girl and so selfish of him. That’s what he was like all the time … always about him. We had to swarm around him like bees at the honey pot. I really hope the older children in the family will look after her and give her the love she needs. I feel so guilty for leaving her but I couldn’t even look after my own daughter at that time - I was such a mess. I look back now and wonder what the hell happened?

I am finding it so hard to get him out of my head though - why is he constantly in there? How do I forget about him. I go over things time and time again with no resolution at the end. Every waking moment is spent going over what happened. It’s been 8 months and I wonder how much longer I’ll hold on to this? Anyone got any suggestions? Is this normal?

Emx

#8

We are all at different places in the healing process. It hasn’t been 8 months for me but I know it will take time to get him out of my system. Because I feel so damaged and confused I know it’s best to wait and get clear about what I need. My XN road past me on his bike this morning, he looked mad like I did something to him! See how they play with your head? This takes time to work through and realize that it’s not you. I reposted the info below, it may shed some light on your situation.

This is a chapter from the book “Help I’m In Love With A Narcissist” after reading the recent posts I thought this important.

Why breaking up with a Narcissist is especially difficult

We asked people why they thought breaking up with a narcissist was particularly painful. Here are some of the reasons they gave:

You never really understand what happened or why it didn’t work; you lack a sense of closure.
You don’t understand why your partner refuses to do anything to save the relationship.
You can’t figure out why your partner seems angry with you.
It feels as though nothing that happened between the two of you was real.
Your partner acts as though he/she wants you to continue to be loving and supportive even as you are being rejected.
You can’t get over the feeling that you did something wrong or that you are somehow responsible for not making the relationship work.
You feel as though your partner doesn’t see you realistically and doesn’t know who you are.
Any tendencies you have to be jealous are being fanned by your partner’s behavior.
You feel as though he/she is the only person who can make you feel better.

#9

Thank you for posting this, this is how I feel!

Why breaking up with a Narcissist is especially difficult

We asked people why they thought breaking up with a narcissist was particularly painful. Here are some of the reasons they gave:

You never really understand what happened or why it didn’t work; you lack a sense of closure.
You don’t understand why your partner refuses to do anything to save the relationship.
You can’t figure out why your partner seems angry with you.
It feels as though nothing that happened between the two of you was real.
Your partner acts as though he/she wants you to continue to be loving and supportive even as you are being rejected.
You can’t get over the feeling that you did something wrong or that you are somehow responsible for not making the relationship work.
You feel as though your partner doesn’t see you realistically and doesn’t know who you are.
Any tendencies you have to be jealous are being fanned by your partner’s behavior.
You feel as though he/she is the only person who can make you feel better.

#10

Hi Doubledee,

Thank you for posting your message about why it is difficult ending a relationship with a N. It is so true. Not having closure - they don’t even say goodbye… Also the feeling that you have done something wrong and they are angry with you, even when you’ve done nothing to deserve it. It’s very hard to come to terms with. Plus the whole immature nature of the relationship you have with them. They are unable to act like adults or discuss things in a mature or sensible way.

Hi Lucia,

Thank you for your support - it really helps to know people have experienced the same things and feel the same - I don’t feel quite as insane.

I read your story too - and they don’t care - they cannot give any support. The N I knew once said to me “I need you to be happy” - it was as if I couldn’t have any emotions at all - I had to be happy for him alone and keep him happy!! Even when his children were grieving for their mother he couldn’t offer them any support and was cold and clinical about how he dealt with their emotions.

They completely trash you head and you feel you have to withold any emotions in fear of upsetting them.

Hope you keep up your fight to recover - you are not alone

Emx