Loving someone with AS

Having realized recently that my boyfriend has traits of AS, I am beginning to understand things that were confusing me.
At this time, we are not seeing each other, but we still email - stiff, to the point messages. He lives 60 miles from where I live, the nearest town.
The last 7 months (maybe years!), he has not had a dependable car. So I drive out to his place. Then he will drive back to town if he needs to buy groceries, or if I “insist” on us spending time at my home. Usually twice a month, I end up traveling almost 300 miles over the weekend. He does the driving when we are together, which is nice.
I don’t feel that he has been “using” me, as my friends say. This routine happened because I needed to get away from my abusive live-in bipolar son. He thinks my request for him to drive to town to see me is based solely upon money and has said he would help buy gas when we go places. But still using my car and me having to drive out to his place to pick him up.
When he is not working around his place, we talk & discuss things, watch movies - enjoy each other’s company. He does not understand that the rest of the time is “wasted” from my point of view. I read, surf the internet, draw, nap, walk around, but it is not the same as being at my home to work on my own projects and chores.
So, he is “out there” and I am “here”. I miss him terribly, want to see him, but know that if I make the commitment to be with him again, I have to give up a lot of my needs, socially as well as physically & mentally.
Can anyone make suggestions that he would understand???

I love many whit AS. they are just the best

Hi Wildflower,

I am impressed that you are figuring out the AS effects and understanding the situation rather than remaining confused. Keep learning about it!

Men with AS do not have the social needs of most people, and do not understand that most others do have many social needs. So he is clueless, but not bad. I feel you need to get his undivided attention, and just let him know your needs in a very simple and blunt way. Don’t threaten, but lay it all out. It would probably help him if it is written out, perhaps in a list, so he can consider it a number of times. It may be a new territory for him to think about. Then offer guidance, perhaps with detailed examples. I bet he will try hard, but it is new for him, and he will mess up some, so be nice.
If it offends him in some way, just blame me!

For the time you see as wasted when he does his own things, plan for that. I don’t think that will change completely. Bring things you need to do, like grocery planning, bills to pay, a favorite book. Plus, if your are bored, let him know. I bet if he sees you reading or something, he thinks you are content, and will leave you alone because he thinks that is what you want.

Who decided his car was unreliable? If you know it breaks down frequently, coach him toward fixing what breaks and get it to be reliable. If it actually goes down the road, but you feel it is ugly or noisy, he is probably just being very frugal, but the car is actually reliable, and you can learn to ride in it or not, your choice. If he is the one who thinks it is not good enough for you, but it actually gets places, then you have the choice to use your car, or learn to ride in his junker and convince him that it does not offend you.

It will be hard, and you will need your own separate social outlets if you stick with this guy. My wife works at a restaurant for the noon hour, knows the whole town, and it helps her a lot. I rarely go there.

Good luck.


My little and only brother has Asperger’s. I barely know anything about it. He has a few REALLY good friends but one of his best is moving away. I’m really worried about him because he’s still in Middle School and having such a hard time. He’s talked about suicide before and it’s really scaring me. He’s a really smart kid with a passion for military history, tactics, weapons whatever. He goes nuts over that kind of stuff. I’ve never heard of Asperger’s before now and I’ve never met anybody with it either.